posted April 24, 2007 08:16 PM         

I feel like such an ass right now. Mr. Taurus just called and left a message. Haven't heard his voice in a year and a half. I REALLY didn't think he would call. The last email I sent him was very brief, and not typical of me. I was hoping that would be the end of it. Nope. No such luck for CrankyCap. The message he left was sweet. That typical soothing, sexy Taurus voice. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

You guys, I felt GOOD about this. I felt, and still feel over him...but just that voice....I was eating dinner when I listened to it, and once I finished listening to it I had to quit eating. UPSIDE down stomach...completely. WTF???? WHY does he still affect me like this??? And NOW, I'm the giant as*hole b/c I started this up again. I'M the one that said we could be friends. I can't talk to him, but I can't NOT talk to him. WHY did I put myself in this position??

posted April 24, 2007 09:10 PM         

You're not being an "a**hole" or "not smart"...you're just feeling something deeply...which equals major vulnerability.

What would happen if you actually, deeply talked to him?

posted April 24, 2007 09:15 PM         

Why are you avoiding everyone, CC? Now really how long could/would you ignore this/him?

posted April 24, 2007 09:26 PM         

This is the last email I sent to him:

Hey,

Yes, I did get your last email...just kind of slipped back into one of my introspective, reclusive phases. Haven't felt much like socializing. Which, I guess answers your second question...no, it wasn't me that called. Don't even think I have your work number.

Things are going ok. Just taking each day as it comes. Glad to hear things are going better on your end.

Much love,
S

In his voicemail he said that he had a funny story to tell me and some good news (about a legal problem he had), but that most of all he just wanted to talk to me and see how I was doing. He ended it by saying that he hoped to talk to me soon, left his number, and said, "Take care Babe."

posted April 24, 2007 09:28 PM         

give youself a break---dwell in the present, what is here and now...

posted April 24, 2007 10:09 PM         

And enjoy being wonderful and loveable, instead of being perfect? (It's a cliche that no one is perfect, but...no one is.)

You want to have done (meaning: completed and achieved) ideal things with your life already...AND you see it as your responsibility to hold your family together at an impossibly tough time...AND you force yourself to act "upbeat and perky"...when you feel lost and rotten, you try to pull away instead of letting everyone comfort you...AND if you love some guy (sorry) and the sound of his voice gives you butterflies, you punish yourself for being in touch with him at all, "wasting" years wishing for things, being an "a**hole" for caring...OUCH! Having read your posts, I bet you would never hold a friend, including Mr. Double Taurus, to such impossible, exacting standards. Maybe take a day off, let yourself be a watery-mooned weepy lovestruck totally human mess who can't hold everything together for everyone, and let some friends comfort you?

I've never had a romantic Taurus entanglement, but both parents are Taurii, and my dad always makes me feel like I've failed, even though he never says anything mean or critical, ever. It's something about his Taurean response, when I'm like, "Dad, I just got my doctorate/won an award/ published work I'm proud of," and he's like, "That's great," like he doesn't mean it...he also makes me feel bad in the same way when I have bad news or news of my failures...I learned last year, through a weird accident, that he was super-proud of me already!! And, didn't/couldn't show me. Since then, it has worked to give him precise instructions about what I want from him emotionally...because, his Bull-y heart is in the right place, and he's just kind of leaden and clueless about it.

Like you say...your Mr. Double Taurus isn't going to change. But it's clear from his phone message in response to your email that he wants to make you feel better. A "funny story"? He clumsily loves you, doesn't he, and probably has for a long time? And you love him in the quivering, adorable heart under your flawless Cappie facade. I think it's okay for you to go to this scary, vulnerable place with him, even if he isn't going to change, and even if you FEEL more than you wish you did...it's just being alive.

Your fantasy might've already come true like, four years ago, but it played out in his Taurean way and you didn't even know about it. You know how he thinks and feels...might I be onto something? You're scared to admit it, because you don't want to warm up and get a little gooey and get hurt. Which is very understandable. But your description of the phone message sure sounds like a Taurus with his heart in the right place...

posted April 25, 2007 12:22 AM         

Now, whether or not I take your (very good) advice is another story. Don't know where it came from or why, but for some reason, I have the HARDEST time showing weakness/vulnerability around women in general, and ALL family members. I have this strange internal responsibility/obligation/whatever to always take on a masculine, leadership, tough-girl role around females. I've never in my life let anyone comfort me that wasn't a boyfriend. Even then, there have only been a couple that have seen me "lose it." Those instances were rare, and the Taurus was there for most of them.

Last weekend, when I was really ready to snap, I sent a myspace message to my Gemini ex (one ex that I'm actually NOT afraid of). It was one of the only times in my life that I've seeked out comforting, and was basically asking for help. He responded the next day asking how I was, and said he was worried about me. I told him I was feeling a little better, and then he pretty much blew me off! The ONE time I ask for ANYONE to console me. Of course, all this did was re-inforce my already ingrained bad habit of consoling myself, and believing that you can't count on anyone but yourself. I'm sure that didn't help matters for me psychologically.

As for the Taurus...I don't know. Perhaps if he lived nearby things would be easier. Along with being a double Taurus, he's got venus/mars in Aries. He is "masculine" personified. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I fell so hard. I never felt like I had to be tough with him. I felt more feminine around him than I ever have with any other man. I felt safe, protected, comforted, and nurtured by him. If I'm going to let loose, and get all of this crap out that I've let build up inside me over the last year, he'd be the one to get it out of me. But...he's not here, and it's not something I would ever open up about over the phone.

I can't tell you how many times over the years I've put my feelings out there as openly as possible for him to see. All I ever got from it was a shredded heart. We can go along smoothly when we write to one another, but in person, or over the phone, the relationship tends to be much more "atomic." An explosion of some sort can happen at any second.

Lucia/CG, thanks for your condolences regarding my dad.