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Author Topic:   Need to VENT!!!
CrankyCap
Knowflake

Posts: 598
From: Powell, Ohio, United States
Registered: May 2006

posted April 24, 2007 08:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CrankyCap     Edit/Delete Message
WTF Did I Do???? Swerve gave me the CORRECT advice a couple months ago, albeit too late, and I probably wouldn't have taken it anyway at the time.

I feel like such an ass right now. Mr. Taurus just called and left a message. Haven't heard his voice in a year and a half. I REALLY didn't think he would call. The last email I sent him was very brief, and not typical of me. I was hoping that would be the end of it. Nope. No such luck for CrankyCap. The message he left was sweet. That typical soothing, sexy Taurus voice. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

You guys, I felt GOOD about this. I felt, and still feel over him...but just that voice....I was eating dinner when I listened to it, and once I finished listening to it I had to quit eating. UPSIDE down stomach...completely. WTF???? WHY does he still affect me like this??? And NOW, I'm the giant as*hole b/c I started this up again. I'M the one that said we could be friends. I can't talk to him, but I can't NOT talk to him. WHY did I put myself in this position??

UGGGHHH!!!! Should have left it alone!!!! NOT SMART! WTF is wrong with me? I should not feel like this anymore...and I swear I didn't think I would. What the hell am I gonna do now???

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CapGirl
Knowflake

Posts: 397
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006

posted April 24, 2007 08:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CapGirl     Edit/Delete Message
**** -- you're afraid of getting hurt again, no? You really think this is all bc. you're over him and wish you hadn't started up again? What is really going on deep down? Are you wanting to run bc. of fear? Fess up... We're here and many are going through similar stuff.

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CrankyCap
Knowflake

Posts: 598
From: Powell, Ohio, United States
Registered: May 2006

posted April 24, 2007 09:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CrankyCap     Edit/Delete Message
Oh yeah, CG, I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of talking to him!!! I have no problem admitting that! LOL!!! He scares the sh*t out of me! I know I'm the one that has given him all this power over the years, but I don't know how to change that. Emails I can handle...actually conversing is another story. The worst part is, things in my life are NOT going well right now in general. The last thing I want to do is make things worse for myself.

Right now I am MOST tempted to fall back on my Pisces moon avoidance tactic, but I know that's a shi*ty thing to do. I can always just "email" him an excuse later as to why I didn't call him back. Wouldn't be that much of an excuse really...I'm avoiding EVERYONE at the moment.

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Lucia23
Knowflake

Posts: 21
From:
Registered: Feb 2007

posted April 24, 2007 09:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lucia23     Edit/Delete Message
CrankyCap, just because this brings up really, really strong feelings doesn't mean you did anything WRONG. Are you beating yourself up a little because the alternative feelings...the ones truly out of your control...are just too scary?

You're not being an "a**hole" or "not smart"...you're just feeling something deeply...which equals major vulnerability.

What would happen if you actually, deeply talked to him?

Edited to add: Oops, I was posting while you were posting.

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CapGirl
Knowflake

Posts: 397
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006

posted April 24, 2007 09:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CapGirl     Edit/Delete Message
Oooo, I find this in part interesting bc. I think YOU are like how my Cap GUY is with me... Why does he terrify you? And why is the phone so scary? Your initial contact was by email & up till now all email? What did his vmail say?

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CapGirl
Knowflake

Posts: 397
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006

posted April 24, 2007 09:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CapGirl     Edit/Delete Message
Good points, Lucia.

Why are you avoiding everyone, CC? Now really how long could/would you ignore this/him?

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CrankyCap
Knowflake

Posts: 598
From: Powell, Ohio, United States
Registered: May 2006

posted April 24, 2007 09:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CrankyCap     Edit/Delete Message
Lucia, what's hard is that I've known him for almost 7 years, and I know him REALLY well. I know how he thinks, acts, speaks...EVERYTHING. Even HE knows how well I know him. So, before the conversation even takes place, I'm pretty sure of exactly how it will go. He'll be upbeat and perky, and I will PRETEND to be. Hiding my vulnerability as usual. I think there must be some leftover bitterness/competitiveness inside me. One of those piscean moon fantasies I've always had where one day he would see me or talk to me and see how much I've done with my life and how great things are for me, and WISH he could have me back...but of course, in the fantasy I tell him he's too late and I just walk away. I'm not ready for that...I haven't done SH*T with my life yet, and for some reason he REMINDS me of that. I always admired him and truthfully I was probably always envious of his drive and determination...wished I could be more like him in those ways.

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CrankyCap
Knowflake

Posts: 598
From: Powell, Ohio, United States
Registered: May 2006

posted April 24, 2007 09:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CrankyCap     Edit/Delete Message
CG, Don't know why I'm avoiding everyone, but I have been for several months now. Ever since my dad passed away, my family has just CRUMBLED, and I feel like I'm the glue trying to hold things together. I honestly thought last weekend that I was going to have a breakdown...I REALLY did. I don't want to see or talk to anyone because I feel lost, and I feel like an outsider and very misunderstood at the moment.

This is the last email I sent to him:

Hey,

Yes, I did get your last email...just kind of slipped back into one of my introspective, reclusive phases. Haven't felt much like socializing. Which, I guess answers your second question...no, it wasn't me that called. Don't even think I have your work number.

Things are going ok. Just taking each day as it comes. Glad to hear things are going better on your end.

Much love,
S

In his voicemail he said that he had a funny story to tell me and some good news (about a legal problem he had), but that most of all he just wanted to talk to me and see how I was doing. He ended it by saying that he hoped to talk to me soon, left his number, and said, "Take care Babe."

UGGGGHHH!!! I feel like such a fool for opening this up again.

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hippichick
Knowflake

Posts: 1238
From: The Ether
Registered: Jan 2006

posted April 24, 2007 09:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for hippichick     Edit/Delete Message
~~~it is called be-ing human~~~

give youself a break---dwell in the present, what is here and now...


blessings

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CapGirl
Knowflake

Posts: 397
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006

posted April 24, 2007 09:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CapGirl     Edit/Delete Message
Gosh I asked alot of questions... Sounds like you're stuck in old behavior patterns as well as falling into the typical Capricorn doom & gloom of predicting/expecting the same or worst outcome. Why not change YOUR behavior- not act superficial and not make small talk- and try a new more real approach? Also, hope for and envision a different, better outcome, OR not even play out the whole ending in your mind? Keep yourself open to the positive & unexpected.

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CapGirl
Knowflake

Posts: 397
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006

posted April 24, 2007 09:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CapGirl     Edit/Delete Message
I'm very sorry about your dad passing away, CC.

[ I posted my last not in any way in reply to your last post.]

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CrankyCap
Knowflake

Posts: 598
From: Powell, Ohio, United States
Registered: May 2006

posted April 24, 2007 09:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CrankyCap     Edit/Delete Message
You know CG, if he was any other sign/signs I MIGHT try a different perspective. But...double Taurus that he is, he's VERY predictable, and has NEVER changed. I spent, well, WASTED, so many years with him wishing for better outcomes that never happened. That's why I'm so afraid now, and that's why I'm fearing the worst.

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Lucia23
Knowflake

Posts: 21
From:
Registered: Feb 2007

posted April 24, 2007 10:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lucia23     Edit/Delete Message
Maybe there's a silver lining to this happening--can you forgive yourself for not being perfect?

And enjoy being wonderful and loveable, instead of being perfect? (It's a cliche that no one is perfect, but...no one is.)

You want to have done (meaning: completed and achieved) ideal things with your life already...AND you see it as your responsibility to hold your family together at an impossibly tough time...AND you force yourself to act "upbeat and perky"...when you feel lost and rotten, you try to pull away instead of letting everyone comfort you...AND if you love some guy (sorry) and the sound of his voice gives you butterflies, you punish yourself for being in touch with him at all, "wasting" years wishing for things, being an "a**hole" for caring...OUCH! Having read your posts, I bet you would never hold a friend, including Mr. Double Taurus, to such impossible, exacting standards. Maybe take a day off, let yourself be a watery-mooned weepy lovestruck totally human mess who can't hold everything together for everyone, and let some friends comfort you?

I've never had a romantic Taurus entanglement, but both parents are Taurii, and my dad always makes me feel like I've failed, even though he never says anything mean or critical, ever. It's something about his Taurean response, when I'm like, "Dad, I just got my doctorate/won an award/ published work I'm proud of," and he's like, "That's great," like he doesn't mean it...he also makes me feel bad in the same way when I have bad news or news of my failures...I learned last year, through a weird accident, that he was super-proud of me already!! And, didn't/couldn't show me. Since then, it has worked to give him precise instructions about what I want from him emotionally...because, his Bull-y heart is in the right place, and he's just kind of leaden and clueless about it.

Like you say...your Mr. Double Taurus isn't going to change. But it's clear from his phone message in response to your email that he wants to make you feel better. A "funny story"? He clumsily loves you, doesn't he, and probably has for a long time? And you love him in the quivering, adorable heart under your flawless Cappie facade. I think it's okay for you to go to this scary, vulnerable place with him, even if he isn't going to change, and even if you FEEL more than you wish you did...it's just being alive.

Your fantasy might've already come true like, four years ago, but it played out in his Taurean way and you didn't even know about it. You know how he thinks and feels...might I be onto something? You're scared to admit it, because you don't want to warm up and get a little gooey and get hurt. Which is very understandable. But your description of the phone message sure sounds like a Taurus with his heart in the right place...

Sorry about your dad, too. No wonder you're feeling a little self-protective.

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CrankyCap
Knowflake

Posts: 598
From: Powell, Ohio, United States
Registered: May 2006

posted April 25, 2007 12:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for CrankyCap     Edit/Delete Message
Wow Lucia, that was incredibly insightful. Never would I have thought about it that way. You know what is funny, is that I often don't see myself as much of a Cap, but in that first paragraph you wrote, it sounds like I could be the Cap poster girl! It's always good to get an outside opinion. Sometimes you really need a different perspective...

Now, whether or not I take your (very good) advice is another story. Don't know where it came from or why, but for some reason, I have the HARDEST time showing weakness/vulnerability around women in general, and ALL family members. I have this strange internal responsibility/obligation/whatever to always take on a masculine, leadership, tough-girl role around females. I've never in my life let anyone comfort me that wasn't a boyfriend. Even then, there have only been a couple that have seen me "lose it." Those instances were rare, and the Taurus was there for most of them.

Last weekend, when I was really ready to snap, I sent a myspace message to my Gemini ex (one ex that I'm actually NOT afraid of). It was one of the only times in my life that I've seeked out comforting, and was basically asking for help. He responded the next day asking how I was, and said he was worried about me. I told him I was feeling a little better, and then he pretty much blew me off! The ONE time I ask for ANYONE to console me. Of course, all this did was re-inforce my already ingrained bad habit of consoling myself, and believing that you can't count on anyone but yourself. I'm sure that didn't help matters for me psychologically.

As for the Taurus...I don't know. Perhaps if he lived nearby things would be easier. Along with being a double Taurus, he's got venus/mars in Aries. He is "masculine" personified. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I fell so hard. I never felt like I had to be tough with him. I felt more feminine around him than I ever have with any other man. I felt safe, protected, comforted, and nurtured by him. If I'm going to let loose, and get all of this crap out that I've let build up inside me over the last year, he'd be the one to get it out of me. But...he's not here, and it's not something I would ever open up about over the phone.

I can't tell you how many times over the years I've put my feelings out there as openly as possible for him to see. All I ever got from it was a shredded heart. We can go along smoothly when we write to one another, but in person, or over the phone, the relationship tends to be much more "atomic." An explosion of some sort can happen at any second.

Lucia/CG, thanks for your condolences regarding my dad.

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