posted July 26, 2007 02:04 PM         

Good Reasons Not to Sleep with Her.

You'd like a friend with benefits. But have you considered the benefits of a friend?

By Lynda Gorov, Men's Health

Source:http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=5013472

The night Leo climbed on top of me and pleaded, "Come on, baby, please," I didn't know whether to be amused or offended. Granted, we'd been drinking. And I was in his bed, wearing a T-shirt and teeny panties. But we'd been friends for a decade. I was in town to catch up, not hook up.

"Get off me, you idiot," I demanded.

In the morning, a contrite Leo was bedside, breakfast tray in hand. "I am such a pig," he said in his adorable Peruvian accent. "Forgive me. But I am a man."

Man. Pig. Whichever it was, Leo overcame what he swears was a onetime urge. He never touched me inappropriately again. Fortunately Leo and I moved past way past the awkward part of a male/female friendship. We're still pals to this day.

That's right. Men should be friends with women even without the benefits. We need to expand the notion of what those benefits are. After all, inside information from your female friend can be put to good use. And that's hardly the only perk of remaining platonic.

You'll See Things Her Way

That is, you'll receive the female version of events. Over the years, I've commented on Leo's encounters with women of all types. Sound unpleasant? It's not. "Men ask questions, and they get answers," says Kathy Werking, Ph.D., author of We're Just Good Friends: Women and Men in Nonromantic Relationships. "That's good for them."

You Can Emote Fearlessly

Talking with a female friend means there's usually no game to distract you, and little chance of embarrassment if you bring up hidden thoughts. We love that stuff. Share. Compare. "The literature is really clear on this: Women gain from male/female relationships, but in terms of intimacy, sharing, and communication, men gain so much more," says Don O'Meara, a professor of sociology at the University of Cincinnati who published a benchmark study on cross-gender friendship in the journal Sex Roles. "It's to the man's advantage."

You'll Become a Master Listener

And women love that. You'll experience intimacy without getting, you know, intimate. All her talking will train you in the invaluable art of listening, which I can guarantee this will coax the pants off some woman in your future.

Sure, there are obstacles to having a female friend. Turning a woman from, say, casual coworker into after-hours confidante can take time and effort and often involves another sort of urge altogether.

As Jeff, a close chum since junior high school, explains, "You like her. She likes you. You get along great. You're both unattached. So why not take the next step?" How about because you can't take it back. Or because platonic love doesn't always work in the bedroom. And why the hell didn't Jeff kiss me in junior high?

"Men have a difficult time separating friendship from romance," says Werking. "They don't get the subtleties of relationships. I hope this is changing." (Werking's research shows that sex-free male/female friendships are more common among 20-year-olds than in older generations.)

Here's what she says men can do:

Think through your attraction. Is it physical? Intellectual? Emotional? All three? Might you actually love her (as a friend) rather than lust after her (as a sex partner)? Figure it out. You don't want to hurt her, or be hurt unexpectedly.

Talk it out. That's what this is all about, right? Learning to use your words, not your body? If you can't move past your attraction or you worry that she's attracted bring up the subject. But be a good guy about it. That's how friends behave. Werking says, "I've interviewed a lot of people about their friendships that didn't last, and the primary reason was they didn't deal with the romantic undertone... You just have to take a deep breath and broach the subject. You have to hit it head-on without worrying that it will ruin the relationship."

Tease but don't touch. Once you're both on the same relationship page, it's okay to flirt with her. Just don't feel her up. Don't risk what you have for one night of fun unless, of course, your aim is to turn your friendship into something else altogether. Besides history, I mean.

Treat her like a man. She can ask you to a movie. You can pay for dinner. No one needs to worry about mixed motives. "You don't have to be in control in a friendship relationship," says O'Meara, whose own best friend of 25 years is a woman, something almost unheard of among men his age (60). "It goes to the whole notion of what a friendship is, and the more intimate it is, the more real and the more equal it has to be."

Know what she wants. Jan Yager, a sociologist and the author of When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You, advises that you make really certain your idea of friendship isn't her idea of sexual harassment, especially if you work together. Given clear signals, go for it.

And you're still not home free. Besides facing down family and friends who wink-wink are sure something hinky must be up between you and your buddy, there's a second woman to contend with: the one you're dating or the one who's your wife or the one you haven't met yet but hope to introduce to your friend one day. Let's call it the "girl friend" vs. the "girlfriend."

"In this society, there's an expectation that your spouse or romantic partner should be able to fulfill every need you have. Third-party jealousy is a huge problem," says Michael Monsour, an associate professor of communications at the University of Colorado and the author of Women and Men as Friends: Relationships Across the Life Span in the 21st Century.

But don't give up just yet. Wives and girlfriends can, and do, accept their men's female friends. It helps if those friendships have a history all their own, or if your leading lady is a friend of your friend, too. Again, it behooves you to behave in an up-front manner from the get-go. This means you have to introduce a new girlfriend to the "other woman" without delay. Make your friendship the opposite of extramarital. And while you're at it, don't talk her up too much, and by her, I mean your friend. But don't ignore the subject either. This is a balancing act. Mystery arouses suspicion.

And finally, don't discuss your partner with your female buddy. Therein lies trouble. "Be careful not to use your friend to vent to or as a sounding board about your romantic partner," Yager says. "That's where I've seen platonic friendships head into trouble. It can lead to cheating, or leaving spouses."

For his part, my old friend Leo promises an introduction to the new woman in his life. He says he can't wait for us to meet. But he'd rather I keep quiet about the night he forgot we were only friends. After all, he'd like us to stay that way.