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Author Topic:   I'm only on the outskirts... and on the fringes..
Motherkonfessor
Knowflake

Posts: 999
From:
Registered: Oct 2003

posted September 23, 2007 04:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
Its so hard, sometimes...

to always be the watcher.
to always wonder.. when-who-maybe-someday.

I am sick of always being the benevolent wise one, the dispenser of logic and advice, the healer and the caregiver.

Someday, maybe, will someone turn to me with shining eyes that say "you are the One. you are the One I Want."

I can feel, I can see, the electricity between people. I know. And I know, its never for me. Never.

Its been so long.
Why?

What have I done so wrong?


I just don't understand.

MK

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yourfriendinspirit
Knowflake

Posts: 623
From: California, USA
Registered: Oct 2006

posted September 23, 2007 05:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yourfriendinspirit     Edit/Delete Message

The very best advice I can offer is to make yourself available.
This means mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Another thing I've found is that we never find love while we are
looking for it. Get yourself busy, busy, busy with other interests.
Put yourself out there, where you can be found!

My heart goes out to you.
I just know that when the time is right it will happen
and it will have been SOoooo worth the wait.

------------------
Sendin' love your way,
"your friend in spirit"

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Virgo/Aries75
Knowflake

Posts: 68
From:
Registered: Jan 2007

posted September 23, 2007 11:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Virgo/Aries75     Edit/Delete Message
MK - I've been feeling the exact same way lately.

People will rely on me. They want me in their lives for what I can do for them, so I can be their "rock" but I don't have anyone in my life that is doing for me. That's there to be my rock.

I want all the romantic things as well - the loving, the touching, the electricity, the fun times going out & staying in. It seems like I can have some of what I want with someone I don't want it with -or- I can have virutally nothing but feelings & electricity with someone that I want everything with.

It makes me wonder:

How do people attract others that love them in the same way that they love???

I attract and can get almost anything out of someone I don't have that electricity & love with, but I get nothing from the men that I do love & want to share everything with, grow old with, share life with, have babies with, etc.

Sorry for the long ramble. Just letting you know, I know how you feel.

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 5145
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted September 23, 2007 12:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
I feel ya, MK
That “electricity between people that’s never for me” ?? Yeah. Check.
YFIS is right – ‘putting yourself out there with no thought of finding someone special’ is the way to go, that’s where I’ve found partners in the past. In a way, it’s both harder and easier to find someone special as you get older. The easy part is that you know what you like, you know what you want, you know what your personal red flags and danger-signals from your mind/heart are, so it’s easier to pass by potential train wrecks. The hard part is that there’s fewer possibilities out there.
But you gotta get out there – they just aren’t going to come knock on your door some day saying, “Here I am.”
I muse about my parents who were (mostly happily) married for 49 years until Dad passed away. And here am I, with a maximum of 5 years in any of my committed relationships.
The ‘what am I doing wrong’ is a valid concern here too.
I do well on my own – I’m independent and self-supporting and I like it that way. But when that poignant yearning rears its head, for someone special who thinks being with me for awhile is the most important thing in his day, it’s difficult to keep from feeling shorted.
Perhaps you could think of the “being the benevolent wise one, the dispenser of logic and advice, the healer and the caregiver” as either putting deposits into – or paying off – the Line of Credit at your Karma Bank
Until that Someday, then – I’ll join you in Watching, MK…..
I can be sincerely happy for others who’ve found joy in a special partner, but it sure brings home the fact that I don’t have it…..

{{{ hugs }}}
Z

**edited** PS: I read you loud and clear, VA75 It's a real challenge to be everyone else's rock, yet have limited (or no) spirits to lean on oneself. Recharging your own batteries can be problematic sometimes.....

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Motherkonfessor
Knowflake

Posts: 999
From:
Registered: Oct 2003

posted September 23, 2007 01:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you all for the lovely replies.

I must admit I was waaaaaay more drunk than anyone needs to be last night- but the sentiments still hold true this morning.

These past rounds of eclipses on the Virgo/Pisces axis have changed my life so much that I am reeling a bit.

My 10 year non-relationship...I know I have mentioned it at times...is SO over, over over. Its been over for years, but we would still hook up, hang out, talk on the phone, etc...

Not to go into details, but it was 10 years of emotional, tragic bullsh!t that only is interesting to me. Its great fodder for cynical stories however.

I kept it- because no one else wants me. And now, really and truly, no one wants me. I am not trying to turn this into a pity party for me, but I have reached the stage of life where everyone I know is a couple...buying the houses, having the kids...and I am still the SINGLE FRIEND.
Always and forever, Amen.

I am busy, and I do socialize, and I have a great job that I love and I travel 3 months of the year.

I understand and I get it- the statement "you have to get out there with no expectation of finding love."

BUT-

can we appreciate the inherent irony of it? "shhhhh... go forth and look but don't act like you are looking..."

I just assumed that by now, at this point in my life...things would be different. I was overlooked and left behind during all the stages of life- high school, college, the early twenties. I am 34 now- and nothing.

Just 10 years of sh!t and bitter memories.

MK

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 5145
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted September 23, 2007 01:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
I understand and I get it- the statement "you have to get out there with no expectation of finding love."
BUT-
can we appreciate the inherent irony of it? "shhhhh... go forth and look but don't act like you are looking..."
THIS is why I hope someday you'll add "Published Author" to your resume, MK -- your observations are wryly hilarious!!

Ah, but there's the dilemma: "don't look like you're looking" has to be shortened to "don't look." Being out there doing what YOU like to do -- whether it's taking some kind of classes, joining some group, working with others to develop some skill -- brings you into contact with people who have things in common, who could be friends at the very least. And most good love-partnerships start out as friendships.....

Just as an example, there's an Astrology/Occult bookstore over in White Bear Lake (a suburb about 15 miles away from me) that I'd like to go hang out at on a regular basis and talk with people. Who knows what that interaction could bring?? But here it's end of summer (and easy travel), and I have a major caregiver role to fill, so I don't have the time to invest in traipsing around the countryside looking to make new friends.....
My contact with "new" people right now (as well as a major part of my entertainment) is pretty much limited to typing into this electronic box.
But Someday, I will be free to get out there.....

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Motherkonfessor
Knowflake

Posts: 999
From:
Registered: Oct 2003

posted September 24, 2007 01:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
Wise words as always, 'Zala...

I have heard of White Bear Lake- I think I may have even driven through it at some point in my wanderings..

"Published Author" sounds so fantastical- while I do well at short sprints of intellectual prowess, I don't know if I have the build for endurance..

You speak of the very crux of my issue- I don't have the luxury to get out and pretend to not meet people

Its 250 miles one way to the nearest mall. This doesn't lend itself to joining a book club or belly dancing lessons- much to my chagrin, I TOTALLY want to take dance classes..

I am trapped in the wilds with the same 150 people for 6 month stretches. My "dating" scene is fueled by alcoholic binges, 20 something college kid hormones, and exotic international girls looking for green cards.
We even have a new style of dating- its called "camping."

Its weird, let me tell you. it also doesn't help that I am Ms. Manager Pants to most of these kids. Its a VERY limited pool for me, stuck between the Millennials and the WW2 Veterans.

Literally, its my job or my life. And I love, love my job. But if I ever want to meet someone, I am going to have to leave, and that sucks.

I do my own thing, and I am not "looking," per se. When I was with/not with Big Loser Guy, I didn't want anyone else. Even though technically there was no commitment, and I could have hooked up with anyone I wanted (and did, occasionally) I never found anything that would stick anyways.

so, when I wasn't looking, I didn't stumble into Great Romance, and now that I am truly an island, "hoping" or "looking" or "being open" are also self defeating mechanisms for a single girl.

D@mned if you do, d@mned if you don't.

And d@mn Sex and the City for setting the bar so high

MK

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