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Author Topic:   Help??
cancerariesgirl
Knowflake

Posts: 6
From:
Registered: Oct 2007

posted October 11, 2007 08:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerariesgirl     Edit/Delete Message
Alright, This might turn out to be a novel.

I'm a cancer and I am in a wonderful marriage with an amazing virgo man. We have a beautiful, sweet, funny little leo daughter. You could say I have everything I could ever need to be happy. I do!! But there's a nagging little thorn in my side that won't ever go away no matter how hard I desperately try. My first love, a beautiful pisces boy.

Believe me, I'm not the cheating type. My mother cheated on my father and it was so devastating. Sometimes however when my thoughts get away from me, it might as well be cheating. My husband even knows and he is so sweet to put up with it. I think it gives him something to try and conquer. It's very unfair of me. I married my husband because I love him deeply and knew he would take care of me and be the perfect man to start a family with. But most importantly I married him to move on from a heartbreak that I sometimes feel I will never get over. But life goes on and so I try.

I met my fish when we were both 15 through work of all things. I know it sounds completely crazy but I had this dream about him before we met that was so powerful. I woke up and declared to my mother that the only way I would ever have a chance with him is if I learned how to play guitar. He was a musician and I was at the time a singer planning on being a music teacher when I "grew up". A year later after a long serendipitous turn of events he heard my demo tape and immediately I got invited to go on tour with him. I got a record deal offer after my first show and have been a recording artist ever since. We became very close the next few years. I didn't want to be aggressively pursuing him. I knew he knew how I felt. It was pretty obvious. I felt at the time if I established my relationship with him as someone he could trust then I would be far better in the long run. As we got older and sex seemed to occupy our minds it got more and more difficult but I stood by and watched him go through different girlfriends (and visa versa) and he always came back to me. We were both working so hard that we would rarely see each other in person but there were always emails and late night phone calls. Then he got his first serious girlfriend. I was crushed, so what did I do? I dated a string full of guys (I always compared to him) and no one came close. It was my passive way of rubbing it in his face. "Look what you could have!" as if somehow it could remind him that I was a woman and not just his friend. It finally worked. He and his girlfriend were having troubles and he came crying to me. "You are so much more mature than her. Why was I ever with her?" So began our shy courting process. We had been friends so long that moving into a romantic relationship was not an easy thing to get used to, for him anyway. He comes from a very religious family, you know "no sex until marriage" b.s. He was so scared of his family and doing the right thing. He was also very insecure. The dynamic he has with his family is a strange one. I remember one night him running into the street yelling, "we're gonna set the world on fire!!" what a thing to hear from your lovers lips. I believed it.
I had to leave town for work over Valentines and was going to be gone for a few months. I was so comfortable with our relationship I never thought I had to worry. We would catch up here and there but things were definitely weird. I felt like I was put directly back in the "friend" seat as soon as I left. Without my knowing he had ran into his ex. They started having sex and he got her pregnant. Remember I told you of his overbearing family and their religious views? Well a shotgun wedding soon followed. All this was happening and I had no clue. I was out of the country. The night before his wedding I got an email at 3 in the morning from him saying "Be careful with the boys, don't pull on their heart strings too much. One day you're gonna hurt someone." What the hell did that mean?? Well I found out the next afternoon when people slowly started to hear words of their wedding. When I found out I was physically ill for weeks. Months later we happened to be in the same city an we finally met up. His eyes lit up at the sight of me and I tried to pretend that I never loved him. What a mistake. He invited me to dinner to meet his wife. I walked in on a seven months pregnant Capricorn. Ooooh was she cold to me! She knew exactly who I was and probably womanly intuition she knew I loved him. She paraded that belly around. Keep in mind, I had no idea she was pregnant before I walked through that door. He could barely look at me. He stared at the floor. I got up to go to the bathroom and cried. On my way out he stopped me to say "I'm not saying what I did was right but I am going to try and do the right thing."

I'm not over him but I want so badly to be. When he first met my husband he pulled him aside and said, "Don't ever hurt her or I will have to track you down." Well my husband almost killed him then and there! We are a part of each others lives. It's hard to avoid. We are still in touch. He'll call and tell me he thinks about and misses me. He runs into mutal friends and gushes about me saying he wants to meet my daughter. I can tell he is miserable. He loves his children (yes, he has more than one now) but it's my instinct that he feels the same way I do. Every time I feel like I am over him something will happen and he gets his spot right back in my heart.

Again, I would never cheat on my husband. But you have to imagine the guilt I am carrying around. Secretly loving someone and holding hope for the right time when we will be together.

I feel like everything happens for a reason and it's just too much of a coincidence how tightly our lives are intertwined. I would not be doing what I do for a living had it not been for him. Is that all he came into my life for? or is there more?

Help. He's in town soon and wants to "catch up."

My birthday is July 2nd, 1983 Phoenix, AZ at 1:32 P.M.

His is March 14th, 1983 Tulsa, OK birth time unknown

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Go vegan for climate change!

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 5241
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted October 11, 2007 09:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
Hi cancerariesgirl ~

I'm sad that you're in the situation you find yourself.....
I haven't looked at the charts, but have some thoughts to share. You may still love your Piscean, and he you, but the reality is that your lives have diverged and your paths have separated. You are both married to other people, and you both have children with those other people -- that commitment to the next generation needs to take priority over any feelings that remain between you and the Piscean.

IMO you should tell the Piscean not to call you or contact you any more. My perception from your story is that there doesn't seem to be any way that either of you can be "just" friends. It hurts *everyone* (your hubby, his wife, him, and you especially) when your heartstrings get plucked again and again. As an outsider, and not the one enduring these feelings, it's easy for me to suggest to you "let him go." It won't be easy for you. And also tell him that he needs to let YOU go. No catching up. No contact. You are married to a man you say you love. The Piscean is married too -- whether happily or not is his issue. You both made choices and chose other people to make vows to.

If I have misunderstood anything from your story, I apologize. Wishing you luck and blessings,

Zala

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cancerrg
Knowflake

Posts: 2494
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted October 12, 2007 04:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerrg     Edit/Delete Message
what is love ?
isn't it commitment too?

so what i get from your story - you srely loved him - you had great wavelength ,but the man wasn't man enough to keep his commitment ?
love is great , love him to the core , cherish the feeling nothing wrong with that but should you destroy yours and family life for such non commital person ?

iam not blaming him or something but you got to realize love in practical terms is a two way street not just one !
thats why i said , love him -cherish the feeling but dont destroy your life ?
i wouldn't faith that person !
but i salut your husband!

my apologizes if i have misundrstood you or was harsh in any which way .

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cancerariesgirl
Knowflake

Posts: 6
From:
Registered: Oct 2007

posted October 13, 2007 12:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerariesgirl     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you everyone for your replies.

You know, sometimes you know what to do deep down but until your hear someone say (Or type) it out loud it doesn't hit home quite as much.

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Go vegan for climate change!

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