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posted March 20, 2008 08:33 PM         

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I'm starting this thread because I want to talk about something, but I hope others will use it to explore their own relationships now and in the future.

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posted March 20, 2008 08:46 PM         

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I don't feel close to my father. He wasn't there, I always wondered if he loved me or couldn't stand me. My parents didn't hug. My siblings came 10 years later so I was the practice child and most of my happy memories of my father have to do with being proud because he told me to get him a beer when he and my uncles were watching the baseball game. He didn't drink when my sis and bro were growing up but by then I was a teenager and most of what he said to me had to do with telling me to put some clothes on when I was just wearing generic not too short shorts. I used to think I hated him.
I've figured things out from learning about his upbringing and family history etc and I don't hate him and we try to hug now, and with both of my parents a quote about "you never think you can love someone based solely on how much love they have for your child" comes to mind, but it is almost like I can love them simply by watching how they lovingly treat my daughter.

So my aunt came over about 4 hours ago to say that my father had a stint put into his heart today so he was saved from actually experiencing a heart attack since a test caught the blockage early and it seems like it isn't that big of a deal but it is really bothering me and tears and sobs keep erupting at different intervals and I can't control it. And I have homework due tonight and I'm not focused. And I don't even know why it is affecting me so strongly.

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posted March 20, 2008 09:18 PM         

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I just called the hospital. It really is not a big deal. I think it has to do with sadness I feel over losing my grandfather (my father's father) when he was so young. Maybe facing stuff about your parents also triggers issues with your own mortality etc. Or I'm just paranoid and fearful. But it is really strange. Like there is some sort of bond that I don't see or feel or understand. And soul mates and soul groups and families etc... I just think there is a key there so I'm throwing all of this out there and waiting for whatever understanding to come, whether it is a response here or a response in my heart or mind or a book or movie or song or whatever.
Or maybe just writing all of this will be enough.

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posted March 21, 2008 05:45 PM         

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My prayer was answered and my angel dispatched immediately... for anyone's future reference if you are troubled or confused by a similar situation... or any situation.

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From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted April 01, 2008 01:28 AM         

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Just dropped in to see some posts and came across this.

Thought I'd bump it up with a hug.
Love comes in all shapes and forms and no matter how or when, It is legitimate. Guilt or limitations are placed on too many things!
Understanding how someone loves is perhaps deeper than loving.
If you can love them through logic, then you have surpassed self and entered compassionate love.
That is healing.
You are always allowed to sob uncontrollably about your parents.
Always.

*Hugs*

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posted April 01, 2008 02:05 AM         

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Pixie, at this moment I see love as the self-serving illusion it really Is. I will consider your words. Thank you for sharing them. I need some guidance at this time.

*edited to remove aspects because they don't matter, and to say that I appreciated your response very much

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From: england
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posted April 01, 2008 05:50 AM         

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perhaps you are crying for the relationship you should have had. well done for forgiving him and stopping the cycle of negativity. big hug to your inner child. x

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From: bombay, india
Registered: Aug 2005

posted April 02, 2008 04:34 AM         

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"perhaps you are crying for the relationship you should have had."
i totally agree...maybe souls are forced to be together as families so that we can learn to love and understand one another even though it is really difficult..i dunno..
i've had some difficult times with my dad...not because he does'nt love me...but because partly he's made some really foolish decisions financially and partly he's had bad luck due to which we(my family) has really suffered...on top of that he's an alcoholic and we've all tried very hard to get him to kick the habit. he's now cut down on it. we've had some really ugly fights in which i feel i'm breaking my head against the wall because he refused to understand. its also caused us a lot of embarassment. but that does not mean we dont love him...maybe it means we love him more than we realise...

and like you i feel scared fr my parents health..they are absolutely fine, but they really need to change their eating habits and lifestyle. they need to exercise...

so i think you are feeling what any normal daughter/ son would feel..

take care

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posted April 02, 2008 10:18 AM         

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Robyn and Light,
I think that is an excellent theory. I think you are right. Interesting how I still don't feel the desire to take some sort of quick action to remedy the relationship. I think it is because it took so much time and so many instances to create the relationship that it is that I don't feel any hope in making any huge changes. I will remember to make small gestures of love.

Thanks for the amazing thoughts.

~m

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