posted April 02, 2008 07:25 PM         

In modern society, "true love" has come to be equated with chemical connection. People talk about love at first sight, being hit by the thunderbolt, knowing instantly that they'd be "the one." And while all of these notions are incredibly romantic (and easy to express as absolute truths through rose-colored hindsight glasses), lasting love - the sort that makes a real relationship - is much more complicated than feeling the sparks of attraction.

Till death do us part
A lasting connection requires mutual dedication, open communication and a willingness to weather the times when the attraction is less than electric (since those times are bound to come). It goes far beyond sexual compatibility - though the desire to get it on with each other is certainly a contributing factor to romantic success! The problem is, none of these love logistics makes chemistry any less real - or exciting. It can be very easy to be fooled into thinking you've met your life match when you meet a match in the bedroom.

Sexual soulmate or life partner?
As with most questions, the answer is that these things take time. And oftentimes, the problem (or the reason we can't tell between sexual soulmate and life mate) is that we get ahead of ourselves. Here's how it usually works (see if this sounds familiar):

Love at first sight
You see each other across a room and think, mmm… that person looks interesting (or funny or sexy or smart or something). One of you approaches the other and - wham! You feel that familiar feeling in the pit of your, um, stomach? You know you'd like to see this person again… You go out for coffee/drinks/dinner and it either does or does not click. Say it does… in a big way. You like each other. Then, whenever it happens, the sex is so hot you don't know what to do with yourself - well, you do know what to do, but there aren't enough hours in the day for the amount of time you'd like to spend doing it.

Trouble in paradise
Here's where the trouble starts. Your brain, in a frenzy of elated hormones, ceases its work as information decipherer in favor of lust-drunk fantasizing. As a result, you become blinded to any and all of this person's true characteristics - for better and worse - and imagine only the sheer romance or days spent rapturously in each other's arms with no regard for time, responsibilities or life outside of never ending sexual bliss. You think only of the future, and how even your days in the rocking chair on the porch will be… well, rocking. You miss the getting to know each other phase in favor of the getting to know each other's bodies version, but time continues to pass absent of a reality or compatibility check. Then, in three or six months (or however long it takes) you break up, unable to fathom how or why it all went awry. How is it possible to be so intimately connected to a person and not maintain true, long-term intimacy?

Fate
People come into each other's lives for different reasons. One of them can be to awaken sexuality. Another can be to work out past life karma. To change each other and then move on is a third, less palatable, but very real possibility. In short, just because you get "that feeling" around someone doesn't mean it's about them. In fact, reality is quite the opposite. What someone brings out in you is really about you - and your capacity for feelings.

We are all mirrors for each other. So consider, perhaps, that the lover you've lost, to whom you felt so intensely connected, was there to show you a side of yourself you didn't know existed… to teach you a lesson about what is (and isn't) important to you, and how to have it healthily. To show you what you really want, which is some combination of the chemistry you had with them and many other things that were probably missing if you really think about it.

In the end, pure passion is wonderful, but it is just one component of lasting love, and only when it is added to the right relationship (you know, the one with mutual dedication, communication and commitment), will it make all the difference in the world.

posted April 04, 2008 07:45 PM         

Why do people perpetuate these myths? Consider that everything does *not* happen for a reason and that some things just happen because they just happen. It's great to put a positive spin on a negative event, if that's what you need to feel good about life, then more power to you...but why are the answers often unclear and not forthcoming? For that very reason...someone is generally spinning something.

posted April 12, 2008 01:09 AM         

This was so useful and relevant... I'm sure I'm too stubborn for it to change much, but for a fleeting moment...