posted December 23, 2008 02:45 AM         

So, I travel to see the Cancer. A long way. We have a great time. The kissing. Oh gosh. Like, when we kiss it's just, PHENOMENAL. It's like the most natural thing--our mouths just fit. And then, just being with him is like, I don't ever want to leave him.

So...

I get on an airplane and return to the west coast. And right away, I'm missing his presence. And the reason I traveled to see him, has been soldified. I do feel strongly for him, and venture to say, I could let myself fall fully and totally more in love with him than I already am.

So...

I tell him. KNOWING--he didn't do or say what he should've if he wanted me.

I write him this email. And I tell him. How I got on an airplane and traveled to sacrafice two days of pay and money I didn't have to go see him. How, also, during that trip, I felt he didn't feel the same but it didn't matter because I had to tell him how I felt. How, I have these huge communication problems and I should've told him while I was there with him that I felt this way.

And so...

I thought, he'd go into his crab shell for a couple of weeks and not answer me right away. But surprisingly, he didn't. He answered me early the next morning, said he just read the email--which i don't believe, he's always on that computer because it's human contact in his lonely world. But nevertheless, he says to me, "Whuat" and that he'll answer me on the weekend--three days later. So, me being the the intiutive Virgo that I am, who knows him very well, I know I just put him in a deep quandry. On top of ALLLL his existing QUANDRIES. And he had to think.

Sigh.....

So, there was no doubt he was going to tell me he doesn't feel the same way I did, it's just how he was going to say it. And what he was going to say...

Sigh...

So, he does get back to me on the weekend. But he calls me. Which shocked me. But I like it. And we talk. Sigh...First, of course, the Cancer man, small talk--LOL--to try to gauge where I am or how the blow is going to effect me.

But I prepared for that moment. I broke out, "He's Just Not That Into You". BUT, truthfully, I just didn't know what to do, how to feel or react to him, EVER.

Really...he's such a beautiful person. Though he doesn't think so. He wonders why any woman would want him. He went through a lot and is going through a lot. And I knew that BUT I'm impulsive and my heart wants what it wants. Even if it doesn't know what to do with it quite yet. I just, wanted more of him. I guess.

So, he says to me, "yeah, about that," which leads me into explain more. It's a hard conversation to have. I've known him for 5 years or more and it's the first of it's kind. So, I tell him that somewhere along the line, I felt stronger for him. He asks, when, and I tell him more when he moved out of California and we talked more. And the funny thing is he said, yeah, he felt closer to me during that time.

Side note. Now let me just admit that he started screwing around with a married woman and now she says she's pregnant. But she's staying with her husband--you know it's just a mess. And I know him, and it's just another thing to mull over. Along with his financial situation. But let me just say, he has overcome some much. And big time. Like, he's got a great job and a great mind and I love that I can talk to him about things like this current financial crisis and he has this expert insight. He so SMART! Sigh... Sarcastic. And he opened the car door for me all the time. All the doors, everywhere we went. And did I mention his kisses??? His lovemaking...His voice. His aurora. And that sarcasm?

And so, he asks me during the conversation this weekend. "Now what?" What are we supposed to do with my revelation because he likes it just the way it is. Friends. I guess, friends who have sex. He gives me the, I'm not really in a position to be with anyone right now. But I think if a guy wants a woman bad enough, if he loves her, then there's no position he can be in to stop him from wanting to have her. But then, he's totally right, and he knew this one thing--I didn't think this through. Hence, the question, "now what." He knows me too.

But I'm confused. I'm not hurt. But we are just friends now, for real. And this distance will help us keep the sex element out of this whole thing. But this whole telling him how I feel thing is part of the new me not being afraid to hear no or dread rejection. But, he kept asking me if we're cool. And the truth is, our friendship is solid. Like, with the Scorpio a couple of years ago--after he REJECTED me in classic Scorpio style, asked if we're still friends. HECK, NO. I could never be myself, really, with him. I was always editing myself, trying to be what he wants me to be so he'll like me, like the other Scorpio, which is truly a Scorpio trait, I think, even with one of my girlfriends--be what I want you to be and we can be friends, not who you are. All the scorps I've known have dropped by the wayside for that reason, because I can't be a perpetual actress. Anyway, the Cancer really likes ME. And I would hate for him to belong to someone else one day. I think that's why I told him. It was an impulsive move.

Anyway...what am I saying???? The book says, "He's just not that in to you," so move on. And I'm doing that. I guess in 6 months, I'll forget I ever loved him. I told him, i "liked" him.

OH, and do you know what he said to me. I should've told him that I had these feelings for him before I traveled to see him. I asked, "so would you have told me stay home." He said, "yes, but not because I didn't want to see you, but because I wouldn't want to hurt you."

Geesh...and on that memory, I know exactly what to do--MOVE ON.

Oh, Cancergg, you were wrong, though, he doesn't love me :-(

posted December 23, 2008 12:58 PM         

I hope the pain goes away. I'm quite sure it will, and when the worthy one comes along, you won't even have the fear of telling them how you feel, because you will already know they feel the same...

posted December 23, 2008 04:27 PM         

Love and light!!

posted December 23, 2008 11:40 PM         

It felt good to write that out and not be effected by pain or anger or dislike (for myself mainly). I'm sure my affection for him has more to do with the choices I made for myself in the last seven years. Meaning, he has some lovely qualities but NOW as I make healthier choices for myself, I'm sure I'll find the same things in other men. I do like the sarcastic type that just GETS IT. He's like that. And we can disagree. Like, he thinks we should drill for oil in Alaska, and I don't. Though he can rationally explain his reasons why and I get it and agree but I'm too much into protecting the possibility of what can happen to the environment. And there's mutual respect for both our opinions. But we both voted for Obama. Well I did. He, never voted a day in his life. I think the day he votes will be the day, he allows all the QUANDRY he's in to dissipate. That was clue right there that he can't love right now. He always said, he never cared enough for anything to vote. Never had a plan. And for him to have an opinon on a candidate this year is a huge step but not the final step. The day he votes, will be a life changing event for him. For real...Anyway...And we have optimal make out sessions and pleasurable make love sessions. BUT, he does smoke. I'm more healthier than he his. Like one of my girlfriends is 22 and she just discovered I'm 39 and nearly choked off her exclamation. She wanted me to hang out with her and a bunch of 22 years old, and I told her don't let appearances fool you. I'm a true 39 when it comes to my social space and time. Time just preserved me because it took this long for me TO GET IT. But, it's also because I'm healthy. AND HE drinks a lot, beer, wine, I think he drank water once when I visited him. Oh, and he did drink coffee in the morning. But he's always drank more than what I'm comfortable with. But he is Midwestern--man they can drink. But he did like my baked chicken and brown rice :-) He didn't eat the salad...hmmm... Anyway...He's a friend. With the right sort of distance I'm sure the attraction will be curtailed. Thank goodness he's in Missouri and I'm in California. One day, I'll look up and won't even want to kiss him. Once the female get's over it--she's OVER IT. So now I'm living to get over it....And I'm just loving that I've chosen to get over him with my rational head, and not from a broken heart. Because that makes it "dissed Cancer style". He didn't even break my heart :-) But at the same time, I accept there's no future with us.

Got a love them...right????

posted December 24, 2008 11:31 AM         

well , may be i missed it, did he tell you in clear words - he doesn't want a relation ?

posted December 24, 2008 11:21 PM         

And i disagree with your logic that people put thier pics for the 'i am prettier stuff ' . i agree there are people who take it as ego boosters but its not the same with all .

Its a community ,remember and everyone has a curiosity to see who they are interacting with .
wouldn't you like know how cancerrg (and its rg not gg ) looks like .
i am sure i would . (btw, i have my pic in some thread - i dont remember the thread - and it wasn't done for the 'i am good looking stuff bcos i know i am very normal looking )

Coming back to my cancer bro , i actually went back and checked the last thread and i am sure of what i said i earlier .
see as far as i understand he likes you but there might be other reasons -he doesn't want to commit .
I'll give my own example , i met a gem girl sometime back ,good wavelength ,got physical as well but i didnt want to commit bcos of the family responsbilities (on her side )that freaks me . ( i am an Indian and here families ties are strong - just to give you background persepective for better understnding )
She proposed but i rejected very respectfully and we are better friend today .
(your cancer will always be respective bcos we make relations based on mutual respect (and this respect will make it harder for you to forget him))
Deep down i know , i might never get a better girl . But i am being practical at the moment .
Thats what is happening with you people too .

And as you say , you are getting over it , do you think its that easy .......
not easy for cancerians i believe . they actually never get over anyone . period .

posted December 25, 2008 01:30 AM         

Nah, I like the anonymity.

I do love him. That will never change. But I do have to get over wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. I just have to. I'm not over him today. But for women, it's different. I must release. If we allow ourselves to crave someone who's told us no, then when the guy we're supposed to be with comes along, we won't be able to see him. I've been there before, and probably have missed some pretty good guys because of it. I won't let what I feel for him do that to me again. But truthfully, it's because I was craving someone who didn't want me that I met the Cancer. Actually. And stuck with him. I didn't expect to fall in love with him. This past year, we've connected more and in the right way. Anyway...

Thanks for the Cancer insight. Time will tell if he loves me enough to claim me--I know him, and he's still mulling over my recent confession...He loves to feel emotions, he's like addicted to emotions :-)

Anyway, have a Fanastic New Year!

Do you live in India, Cancerrg? Two of my loveliest friends are Indian. Both have given me two perspectives on the culture of India. One is more traditional than the other. The traditional one is a Taurus and she's cute...so???? :-) She works at UCLA. She's a good girl, "loves her mama, loves Jesus, and America too"...(Tom Petty song) Though she's Hindu (I think) No she's a different religion, I can't think of it right now. She doesn't cut her hair, so she has this long beautiful hair, and this cute little figure. She's so cute :-)Interested yet??? Oh, and I think she's like 30 or 29 or something.

posted December 25, 2008 12:49 PM         

So we are back to agreeing on the basics .
you said it way more beautifully that i could .
He will be a part of you ,always .
So i agree with your practicality ,infact i did too .

Yeah i am Indian , Hindu and in Delhi.
Your frined might be sikh .
Oh and why did stop describing your friend midway, the tempo just started building .

Go on Lady............. (tell you something .. i get along with taureans quite well ....hahahahah... )
Ask your freind if she is interested ?

posted December 25, 2008 03:51 PM         

I saw her like, three months ago. When I did a temp job at UCLA, across from my old department.

You're so well adjusted :-) Wise, and sweet. Classic Cancer. So....I'm thinking this is a good one. She needs someone to be gentle, I would think. Because she's so gentle yet strong. I can go on all day about her. I have two friends I place on high pedestals--three, actually. And she's one of them. All three bring their cultures with them actually. One is a Scorp and she's Chinese. The other is a Taurus and she's Mexican. And Harmeet. Oh, and she explained India to me exactly the way you explained it. And YES! that's her practice Sikh. She was very patient with me in answering ALL my questions abuot the culture and educating me. I read a few short stories from Indian writers, and they were so modern and non-stereotypical, strong women. And I loved it! So, her and I used to just spend hours talking about the culture. Anyway...

Sure, email me and I'll send you to my facebook. I have a picture posted there.
And thanks again, for insight on my Cancer :-) I just don't know about him...But hey, what can I do :-)