posted June 06, 2009 12:23 PM         

A male friend of mine says it is impossible for members of the opposite sex to be *just* friends. There will always be something more (at least for one of them), and there will always be some form of "mate guarding" involved. And that she is always the one that has to say no, or else the friendship will not work out, because the guy will see every girl he meets as a potential partner. That was his words. What do you think?

I think it is both possible AND beneficial to have friends of the opposite sex, because they see things from a different perspective. And I don't think there always have to be something more..

posted June 06, 2009 03:39 PM         

It all depends on the dynamics between two people. Sure, there's more likely to be a sexual charge or some tension in opposite sex friendships, but that kind of chemistry can show up in same sex platonic friendships too, where the people would never actually want to sleep together.

There are infinite kinds of relationships possible in the world--each connection between two people is unique--and sexual tension is not mutually exclusive with a deep, open platonic friendship in which the two people never hook up.

posted June 06, 2009 04:53 PM         

There is an old thread here with the same topic. Go to: Can straight men and women just be friends?

posted June 07, 2009 01:35 AM         

Adriana, it has been my experience that a man may start off saying or behaving as though he is cool with the notion that there will never be anything hot between him and the woman in the scenario, but eventually he will make it known through word or deed that he is open to playing with fire.

But a physical, as well as emotional mental and spiritual relationship may not be what both parties want. One person may be able to enjoy the physical aspects without so much of the emotional while the other may need the emotional to be there in order to be open to the physical. Or a trillion other combinations of the four aspects above (I am sure what defines “relationship” for each individual can also consist of an infinite number of aspects.)

The most important thing in my opinion is that everyone involved be open and clear about what sort of relationship they are entering (or want to enter) into. Obviously the best case scenario is that it be a “perfect match”.

And I agree with Lucia23 – it sounds like your friend is interested in adding another “aspect” to your relationship.

P.e.a.c.e.

posted June 07, 2009 04:42 AM         

And oh, the friend I was mentioning eventually told me that he doesn't look at me as a friend. And I was really dissapointed, because I thought we were good friends. He says it's something more, and in a way something less. Because he doesn't value our friendship as I do, and that he feels attracted to me. So then I had to deal with him in a totally different way. I asked him if we couldn't just be friends, but he didn't want that. That hurts in a way, because I know how wonderful a cross- gender friendship can be!!

Do you think that to be just good friends and nothing more is "better" than having a physical attraction where you don't even like the other person's personality? I know these are extreme cases, but it would be nice to know!

posted June 07, 2009 02:26 PM         

Adriana,

quote:

---

And oh, the friend I was mentioning eventually told me that he doesn't look at me as a friend. And I was really dissapointed, because I thought we were good friends. He says it's something more, and in a way something less. Because he doesn't value our friendship as I do, and that he feels attracted to me. So then I had to deal with him in a totally different way. I asked him if we couldn't just be friends, but he didn't want that. That hurts in a way, because I know how wonderful a cross- gender friendship can be!!

---

If someone said that to me I would take it to mean they do not like ME but are pysically attracted to me and would sleep with me - nothing more. I would definetly appreciate the blunt honesty - it would help me realize that this is not the stuff that real friendships are made of and that I needed to remove myself from the situation immediately before I got my feelings hurt any further.

Peace

posted June 07, 2009 06:36 PM         

I guess that the confusion is due to people wondering if they are in love with each other whenever they are having great times together. But just coz we are getting along greatly, it doesn't necessarily mean romantic love feelings.

Well, me and my best friend have been close friends for years, but we clearly know (specially now) that we don't really see each other as potential bf/gf. ^_~;

posted June 07, 2009 10:04 PM         

Note that this does not mean he'll never feel attracted to her--looks are not a big part of personal chemistry and magnetism, at all--but if she is very far from his physical ideal (for example, she's fat and he only sees himself as attracted to lean, lithe, Victoria's Secret model types), he can more easily swallow down his attraction and chalk it up to a fleeting feeling of the moment, instead of beginning to build a fantasy where they're a couple.

In every case, it's not that an attraction never arises, is just that one or both people decide that they want to build a platonic friendship instead.

Adriana, your friend's desire for "more" doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't value you as a person. He might just be really physically attracted to you and really badly want to sleep with you. I feel that way about one of my platonic guy friends and I am deciding to supress it (he is very attracted too, but I see 180 reasons I do not want us to hook up physically, and I adore him as a friend and want him in my life! complicated), and that doesn't work forever.

posted June 09, 2009 05:02 PM         

Another thought just sprang to mind:

What if I'm misreading the situation? What if she's the one thinking that I'm trying to get together with her? What if she's avoiding me, because she's trying to get me to keep my distance while I find whatever next relationship I have in store?

I don't really think that this is the more likely of the two scenarios, but it's possible. I don't think this is the more likely of the scenarios, because once she got a little tipsy on wine, and asked me hurt-girlfriend kind of questions regarding my long absense from her life while I was with my last girlfriend. When talking about that girlfriend initially, this friend tried to make her out as crazy, which I took to mean that she was willing to subtley undermine that girlfriend if she could, which is not something a friend does as much as someone who is jealous.

With regard to the emails, they're something she's told me she liked in the past. She just enjoyed reading them. Since we're not communicating any other way and since I don't have reason to shut her out of my life at present, I don't see why not email. Though if she's thinking that I'm going to disappear on her again if I get into another relationship, she may be right. Women don't seem to be good with their men having female friends unless they can keep an eye on the relationship without giving the appearance that they're watching.

posted June 09, 2009 05:53 PM         

184
INITIATING/REACTING

To initiate a conversation or project is risky- You don't know where it will lead or what will happen. You may fear your idea will be rejected or your play may fail. Most people don't take much initiative in their lives. Rather, they live life at a minimal risk, waiting for others to take the inititative so they can react.
Unless you are willing to take the risk of acting first, you will live life with one foot in saftety zone. This limits your potential joy. By playing it safe, you can never enjoy life as an optimal experience.
Taking the initiative requires, but also generates, enthusiam and energy. Maybe you won't win every time, but at least you become an active participant and know you gave your best. Your odds of winning are certainly better than for those who wait. When you're unafraid to initiate, you'll meet more adventurous people and open the door to challenge and aliveness. Take the risk. Go for the daring adventure. Be the one to initiate the meetings, ideas, projects, and proposals.