posted August 12, 2009 06:28 PM         

i was reading the thread about professing your eternal love for someone and was thinking of a less scary and intense spin-off version of that topic.

i was watching this old making of video from youtube about michelle branch's video for "all you wanted." the concept for the video was what if time could stop and everyone was frozen except for you. in that moment of time freezing, you could say anything to the man of your dreams.

if time stopped and you could walk up to that crush or someone like that who means a lot to you just you haven't ever put yourself on the line and admitted it, what would you say? would you need time to stop or would you actually go for it?

my super meek and shy friend did it once in university, but she was turned down in the end. i've actually done it (not profess my love or actually say i like you) but it was sort of leaning that way. i seriously thought i was going to die. i wasn't coherent and i wasn't polished. i was like a stuttering wreck.

it wasn't a moment i had planned on or even the stuff i said was stuff i intended to say. i don't even know how i thought to say the things i said. i was like this regular mortal girl walking up to this like idol and being all like hey...and ramble, ramble, ramble...

the circumstances of that day forced me to set the record straight and i basically had to face the music and face the bullets. after the moment, i wandered away (ending my ramble abruptly and just wandering away) and tried not to laugh or think about what i had just done. i went home that night and hid underneath my blankets and held onto my stuffed animals hoping i hadn't done what i had done. and i'm like a grown adult too so yes i'm lame.

but i did it. and the results were really positive. it made me wonder how come i didn't do it earlier? but i was scared. but i only did it because he was worth taking that risk. i would rather time stop and i can have my polished confessional but time didn't stop for me. time was running out and i was forced to do something. my friend who had come with me but disappeared when i had to do my speech was really proud of me. he said he was nervous for me and he said he's never nervous about these things.

posted August 12, 2009 08:26 PM         

I don't know what I am going to say, or even how... when...

Back then, I said, "I'm into you."

This time I am going to speak as if time has stood still, with no pretense, or pride. I am not going to speak from a fearful place, but from a celebratory place. Yeah... I have grown since then, come to think of it. I look forward to it this time, which is unlike the last time because I dreaded it then.

Also, the people are different, and I'm more comfortable with this person than I was with that other guy. This guy is based on what I know and the other was based on what I wished.

Hmmm... thanks stopandstare... I am all so contemplative now, comparing the two situations and deriving some well needed significance of what is about to happen.

posted August 13, 2009 12:40 AM         

my first and only time...it was definitely from the heart. i didn't get to choose when i could start spewing my babbling but it was like the more i delayed it, the worse it would be. it was like facing the music. going to the principal's office. facing the judge. i kind of felt as if it was show time and someone shoved me onto the stage before i was ready despite having plenty of time to get ready. it was that kind of feeling of someone's waiting for you to say something and you better not let one more day pass by or the hurt and confusion will just mount and mount.

the irony is that i'm a cancer and i'm not that kind of person to just walk up to another and start talking to them. i spend too much time agonizing about being proper and being respectful and being worried about ofending someone that i psyche myself out.

but for this person...if there was one person who made me eat all my pride and fears and just go for it, he's the one. and i'm not exaggerating when i say i was literally stuttering and at a loss for words and all over the place with what i was trying to say. and before it was show time, i really had to gather myself and concentrate because when things get tough and scary, i start to giggle and try to hide myself like a little kid.

i started off with a certain angle like being normal with a basic acknowledgement, but then dropped it and started speaking from the inside of me. i still don't even know how i found the courage in me to do it. i knew i had to do it, only i didn't know i could do it until i did it. i had imagined my friend being there with me as he had come with me so i could say something but we lost each other and i was on my own. i guess it would've been weird if it was me, the guy, and my guy friend hahhhah.