posted December 14, 2009 09:05 PM         

I am only 21 and, apart from being a really emotional person anyway, I have had quite a few bad experiences with guys when I was younger which completely ruined my confidence. Since I was 16 I have been trying to work my way through these issues which I realise have had quite a bad affect on me. I think my self confidence has suffered quite a lot, but mostly I find it very hard to have any real trust in men now. Even those who I do feel I trust and prove themselves as worthy of that trust, there is still sometimes underneath which is sure they are going to run from me and abandon me. Everything I feel is bittersweet. I am the happiest I've been in a long, long time with someone right now - maybe ever. But the happier I feel with him, the more scared I am. It's as if in my head, I can't see the option of things ending well. It's as if I'm waiting for something bad to happen, so it's not that I don't trust him; it's that I don't trust my life or myself not to make him want to leave.

I am trying desperately to control this but the better I feel, the more it seems to be surfacing. My man is a Capricorn and though he is being lovely, I do know that I am wanting the same reassurances from him over and over and I don't know how much longer he can repeat himself before he feels as if he can't help. And I really don't want that.

It's not only about that side of my life - but obviously romantic things have a big toll on my sensitive feelings. I would say I try not to be over-dramatic just for the sake of it as much as I can, but when something really really upsets me, it's like it completely disables me. I'm a student and I find it so hard to concentrate on work even if I have a crucial deadline for the next day. I try, but my mind is just tangled and I start to cry.

I just wish maybe someone could help me understand what to do, or just tell me anything which could explain this to me.

This is me:

Thank you for reading this big story and for any insight you might want to share.

posted December 15, 2009 05:44 AM         

Plus Saturn is squaring your Libra moon. Pisces Sun and Libra moon is a lovely combination, warm, fair, balanced and gentle. But your Sun and Moon don't aspect each other, so it is hard for you to think that what you feel (your Moon) is supporting your Sun. Also, Saturn is squaring your moon, so your own feelings don't sit with you too well. You should try to celebrate the fact that you are emotional, God knows the world needs people like you, it is who you are. The Moon/Saturn aspect makes it hard for you to accept yourself and your emotions but you must try. In fact it is your life path to be more Piscean (your north node is in Pisces). There's a wonderful book about North Node called "Astrology for the Soul". I recommend it and I know a few other people around here have got a lot out of it too. This means that your South Node is in Virgo (it's not symbolised on the chart) but you must try to leave behind self-criticism and accept yourself for the compassionate being you are. It is ok to be emotional but try not to do yourself in, try to relax.

More about Saturn - it is conjunct Uranus. Saturn and Uranus don't get on too well. Saturn's all about restriction and boundaries. Uranus is about chaos, genius out-of-nowhere ideas, inspiration, lateral thought. Saturn doesn't like this. Saturn's placement and aspects represent what we fear. So if you have these genius wild ideas, Saturn sort of stamps on them because Saturn wants to know what's going on all the time and isn't too tolerant of change.

So Saturn and Uranus square your Moon. And look here, you also have in your first house Neptune and Mars, which are also squaring your moon, so it could feel like your effort and will (Mars) are working against your feelings and vice-versa. I don’t know much about Neptune square moon, it could mean possibly that your feelings sometimes seem unclear, and combine that with Neptune conjunct Mars - could make you feel what you should actually do about those feelings is not clear to you either. Neptune clouds things, can make your Mars feel quite fuzzy and nebulous. But it could also mean that your action and will is a very compassionate sort, but that sometimes you might act against your own interests. This is all very generalised, I do apologise. You can look up these aspects and read in more detail, or I'm sure someone will come along to share their reading too.

So you have a lot of tough squares to your moon. It's a Libra moon which could make you overly conscious of being fair to other people and while this is all well and good it is sometimes confusing (Libra Sun here!). So I am not surprised you feel like this.

You have Cancer ruling your seventh house - Cancer is hugely emotional, needy, clingy sometimes. But loving, very loving, and a HUGE worrier! The 7th house represents your relationships with other people. Cancer fears loss like no other sign. There are no aspects with the Moon as there are no planets in the 7th house, but the Cancer (ruled by the Moon) and Libra (your actual Moon) are square by sign so your feelings of fear at abandonment, loss, rejection etc - this can feel very very frightening, and as if you are "wrong". It is ok to feel these things, everybody does, but they can get out of control and you may not know how to handle this. The lesson is to gain control of your emotions and not to let them rule you (ha! She says - as if it were that simple!). The 7th house is also where we project our feelings on to another person. So you might feel, in your Cancerian approach to relationships "He will leave me, this will not end well". That doesn't necessarily mean it is true. Give him a chance before assuming that this will happen.

Astrology aside, you seem aware of how your own actions and endless need for reassurance can be a damaging thing. You were very clear in talking about this (your Moon is trine Mercury - nice!). Believe me I know, I am 36 and still facing these same issues right now in my own relationship, as we all do from time to time. Do you understand how unique and beautiful a human you are? This man of yours wants to be with you. Put yourself in his shoes and understand that you fundamentally disbelieve that he actually cares about you and will want to work through these difficulties with you. You should believe, it is not fair to disbelieve him (I'm calling on your Libra moon here!). He chooses to spend his time with you - what greater gift is that? Relax. You have been hurt before for sure, but have faith. Pluto in Scorpio is a powerful thing, it trines your Sun and North Node. Pluto will support you, if you have faith. Don't be afraid. You are already putting yourself through hell fearing that you will lose him. What have you got to lose in thinking it might all just be alright? It might you know. The goal of astrology is to understand and overcome the conflicts in your chart. This is a new opportunity, grab it. You have a right to be happy with your life if you accept yourself for who you are and what you can give. Pisces people are very special, I should know, I am deeply in love with one myself but they are conflicted at heart by all this emotion. Let it flow, that is your gift to the world. You won't need reassurance from him so much if you know deep down this is true. No person in this world can make you have belief in yourself (and you know because you have said that you feel this need is bottomless, and no amount of reassurance from another will satiate it). You believe in yourself and all else will follow.

Are you talking to him about your fears? Talk to him. Use that Moon/Mercury trine. Frightened people can seem very spikey and unapproachable, especially those with so much Saturn - it is ok to admit you are afraid, to him. He might get the opportunity to know you better. His Capricorn Sun is conjunct all of your first house planets and is shining through the haze and the conflicts, and you feel happy with him, which is great. Capricorns know all about fear, bless them, I'm a big fan of Capricorns.

posted December 15, 2009 06:34 PM         

I could'nt do near a job as wheels has done for you, but I was with a Capricorn for many years, and had three children with one.

Thing to bear in mind, is Cappy shows love through actions, and those are shown in a protective sense.
They are not ones for constant reassurances with words (unless they have some mushy, gushy other stuffs, and even then, the Cappy Sun is a strong one, cuz mine had Cancer Asc, and Cancer Moon.)

I was tortured in our early years wanting these sweet nothings, and I only got them during courting. He once said, "I told you I loved you once, when I quit, I'll let you know!" Partly that was tongue and cheek, but the message was, and never wavered, that he wasn't the guy for verbal kudos and the hearts and flowers type stuff.

I feel something more to your story and if you need a reading further then what you have gotten, let me know, I will try and help you... just email me, I'll leave this up for a day or so, and then take it down.

*GOT IT*

posted December 15, 2009 07:20 PM         

Thank you so much for your huge reply! all your comments seemed to make a lot of sense to me. In particular your references to my Libra moon - Even though I am aware of the moon's importance, I have never really given mines enough attention. I am pretty aware of Libran tendencies but have always felt I have quite a 2D understanding of them. I never think of myself as particularly argumentative, but then at the same time, I would admit I am never happy and always trying to weigh things up in my mind. I find it difficult coming to one straight decision.

What you said about Cancer in my seventh house also makes a hell of a lot of sense. You basically described my greatest fear - abandonment, or to be more particular, to be abandoned completely out of the blue, when I'm feeling happy, like before.

I think all the Capricorn in my chart is one of the reasons why me and my man get along so well, but I think it jars slightly with my dreamy sensitive inner nature. What you said about getting my emotions out properly makes sense. I always have a strong need to put how I feel out there, and have never neglected that need, but though I recognise that in myself, I often feel as if my emotions are too much for other people, and that people may think of me as over-dramatic or see my overemotional nature as weakness.

Thanks for what you said about my Moon trine Mercury. never heard that before so that's quite nice to know! I have spoken to my boy about how I feel endlessly. He knows me and I have opened my heart to him. But because we are closer, than almost makes me feel more scared of how I feel feel if he was to go.. that it would hurt more. I know that this isn't due to anything he's doing though, and I need to learn to let it go.

Thanks for all your thoughts!!!

Ooooh it's horrible up here. I'm in Glasgow, and it was so foggy you couldn't see five feet in front of you at the weekend. Now it's just freezing, and wet. Again!

posted December 18, 2009 01:56 PM         

It's the Pisces side of self-undoing, I think. The only way I know how to deal with it is grit my teeth and bear it. I promise myself that if I don't seek reassurence today, I can tomorrow. And then eventually, when I see that nothing bad has happened, I stop feeling the need for that constant reaffirmation of love.

Pisces can either suffer becuase they get so involved and overwhelmed from our problems OR you can be the strongest person you know. The strongest people I know are Pisces people who overcome self-undoing.

I think the cancer aspect as well (which I also have) has more anxiety in the ANTICIPATION of bad things happening then being scared when it actually happens. With that I just remind myself of all the bad things that have happened before and how my life, in fact, didn't fall apart ... no matter how much I thought it would before they happened.

posted December 18, 2009 03:06 PM         

When I read your post, I related to it SO much! It's hard because it is difficult for alot of other people to 'get' it ... I think the only person who's ever understood has been my Scorpio friend ... it's a water thing, I think, lol.