Lindaland
  Soul Unions
  Confused, terrified and wanting to do the right thing

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   Confused, terrified and wanting to do the right thing
seeker3030
Knowflake

Posts: 78
From: UK
Registered: Dec 2009

posted January 31, 2010 08:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for seeker3030     Edit/Delete Message
This is just a bit of an outpouring to get things off my chest and in some kind of perspective really.

The situation in a nutshell is that I feel now that I should probably end my relationship with my partner of 5 years. We have a 2yr old son though and that's the main reason I've held out (and am still holding out) because for his sake above all, I don't want to make any rash or selfish decisions that could affect him adversely in the long run.

The relationship is an amicable one really - no huge scenes or rows, no violence and no enormous catalyst to hold responsible for my growing discontent. It's built up over years. My partner is an Aqua sun with Aqua Moon, Venus and Mars and on the surface we get on great but it's become more of a friendship over the years as we have very different methods of expressing affection and his are simply too cold for me and mine too emotional for him. I would guess that we feel the same in that we love each other and care deeply but are not in love. I'm not 100% certain he feels as I do but I can only go on his manner with me and there is no passion, no physical demonstration so as I say it's more like a house share between 2 really good friends who have a child together.

The problem is I don't know whether I could make it work financially if I left with our son, and there's a lot I have to reseach to see if it would be possible. I know there are benefits available and my partner would help out with paying towards our son however it's all a rather frightening prospect at this moment. I'm not frightened of being on my own because I'm usually on my own anyway thanks to different shifts and sleep patterns but I'm frightened of being solely responsible for rent, bills, council tax etc etc just because I've never done it before. More importantly, I'm frightened of making the wrong decision on my son's behalf and that I've perhaps not tried as hard as I can to make things work for him.

There is someone else I have very deep feelings for but that's come about long after I started to feel my relationship was over. I don't think the feelings are reciprocated really (difficult to pin down) and there's about 150 miles between us so it would be difficult to make it work anyway. It's just another dangled carrot that's been whisked away and has served to pepper the mix with yet more confusion.

So... what to do? I'm just throwing that question out into the cosmos in the hope that the answer and the way forward somehow present themselves to me over the coming weeks. I know one thing - I want to act as honestly and as fairly as I can with the minimum of hurt and upheaval caused to everyone. I also know it's not possible to make an omelette without breaking eggs so that's where I start scratching my head and wondering what to do next! Anyway, act with love eh? That's the only truth. Thanks for listening and sorry to have rattled on.

IP: Logged

Ami Ann
Knowflake

Posts: 132
From: US
Registered: Dec 2009

posted January 31, 2010 08:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Ann     Edit/Delete Message
This is just pure intuition. I don't think the other man is good for you. I feel this quite strongly.
Are there ANY warning signs with him which you are ignoring b/c you want to leave the father of your child.
My feeling is that your current relationship is the better of the two choices.
I am not saying it is good or that you should stay but I have a bad feeling about the second man.
Did he grow up in a violent home but does not SEEM violent?
Please take care. You are making big choices for yourself and your son.
My choices were mostly wrong so I speak from experience. Ami

IP: Logged

seeker3030
Knowflake

Posts: 78
From: UK
Registered: Dec 2009

posted January 31, 2010 09:16 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for seeker3030     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks for your thoughts Ami.
The man is my oldest friend (known each other since we were 3) and yes he did grow up in a violent home but because of that he's the very last person who would ever be violent - it really upsets him and funnily enough he actually shuns anything to do with it. He's a very gentle, kind soul. Interesting that you picked up on the violence in his childhood though.

Just don't think we will make it work for many reasons but certainly not violence - and I wouldn't want to live with anyone else anyway for the forseeable. My present partner is also a good man but we're just not right for each other sadly. Thank you though - I do appreciate your concern and will try to do the right thing

IP: Logged

eskimono
Knowflake

Posts: 87
From: uk
Registered: Dec 2009

posted January 31, 2010 09:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for eskimono     Edit/Delete Message
I had to take some time to think about this reply.

I guess there are 2 aspects, the astrological one (which I can't help with) and the practical one.

I could have written your post myself. It is exactly what I went through. We split 4 years ago, after an 18 year relationship, our daughter was 4 at the time. Prior to the split I spent 2-3 years with the same dilema as you raging within me.

We somehow managed to make the split amicable, I think we both felt the sense of having come to end of a road, and despite how scary it was, we each needed to find a new path. He would never have made this decision, but accepted the need for it to be made.

We tried our utmost to ensure there was no impact on our daughter, but there is no getting past the fact that losing a nuclear family would affect her, and in some way shape the person she is and will become. I don't know you, but you sound like your aim would be similar - to minimise the impact on your child. However, be under no illusion, you will always suffer a sense of guilt for the decision you make, and at times feel like the most selfish person on the planet.

I was in the lucky postion of being the primary earner in the household, and having an extended family close by. This enable me to maintain a stable and nuturing environment for my daughter. I think both the financial and childcare aspect are important considerations for you. I would not in any way suggest that you stay in this relationship because of these 2 difficulties, but if you and your partner can work with the same goals in mind this might be a solution?

I recognise the place you are in. I think you have made up your mind, but are too afraid say this, as then you have to do something about it, and then the train will be set in motion and you may not be able to stop it.

As regards the other party - please don't make the same mistake I did, and consider this person a future, a seamless link from your past. If it doesn't work out the way you wanted it could make one of the most traumatic periods of your life a whole lot worse. Put him to one side, at least for the next year.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that my 'other party' was merely the catalyst to make me see that my existing relationship was dead, and to give me the kick up the arse to do something about it. I wish I had recognised this at the time.

Noone can make this decision for you, or even offer advice on what you should do, but I am guessing you are beyond that? I think you just needed to say this out loud?

Maybe you should say it 'out loud' to your partner, it might help you see a way ahead?

I hope this helped x

IP: Logged

seeker3030
Knowflake

Posts: 78
From: UK
Registered: Dec 2009

posted January 31, 2010 10:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for seeker3030     Edit/Delete Message
eskimono you are so right I could cry!!! Yes to everything in that post. I did just need to say it but at the moment I'm not sure I have quite the courage and the strength to say it out loud to him. I love him and want him to be happy and alright and don't know where to start really. Feels like it would come as such a shock to him even though I'm fairly certain he feels it's not a love affair anymore.

You're so right about the other man. I don't really know that we'll ever be any more than friends really because there are so many things that just seem to get in the way, but I think we'll always be friends which is wonderful. I don't really want anything apart from peace and happiness and the best outcome for my son and partner right now anyway.

Thank you so much once again - you've really helped me xxx

IP: Logged

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright 2008

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a