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Author
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Topic: 95% there?
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Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake Posts: 62
From: Royal Oak, MI USA
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted June 11, 2010 05:38 PM
 
Let me preface this by saying I have been with my fiance Brian for 4.5 years, engaged for nearly 1 year. Tony is a long-time close friend that I had a 5 year crush on prior to the start of my relationship with Brian.I need to talk about some stuff in my head and there's really no one I can talk about this to in person, so here goes: Why do I feel only 95% involved in my relationship with Brian? I know I'm holding back, and always have but I've realized more in the last week or so. I feel bad not being 100% there and I told him from the get-go that I'm either 100% there/in the relationship, or 100% gone. Part of this stems from the recent direct admission from Tony that he did have feelings for me back when I was in love with him, but didn't want to do anything that could hurt our friendship. Even though I am deeply grateful for Tony's maturity in valuing our friendship above romance, part of me is still annoyed that the conversation never came up back then, and I had no say in that decision. I wanted so badly to ruminate in the feeling of attraction I never felt entitled to as long as he was vague about reciprocating. It was almost like because he never said he had feelings for me that way, I felt shame or over-romantic/idealistic for placing these designs upon our relationship. I sought for so long to acknowledge the sexual tensions that I could always feel between us, and to touch him for more than a few seconds without parents looking at us like we were going to jump each others' bones, so to speak. I fantasize about him still and that makes me uneasy because I do not know in my heart of hearts how I will ever feel when we meet again. My Aries-Rising nature wants to just jump a train/plane/car and find out, like right NOW! I know logically that's beyond unfair to everyone involved, especially both of these guys I love because no one deserves to feel like second choice or the object of forever-unrequited lust. I've never been 100% alone with Tony so I'm not even sure how that would all pan out if I were to visit. Wow, I just said if "I" visit...is that my subconscious saying I wouldn't want Bri to be there? Yeesh, I surprise myself sometimes. Do Tony and I really have only this deep friendship vibe at this point in our lives, or is there still the unspoken chemistry and sparks floating around us that must be sorted through first? Will I ever know for sure? IP: Logged |
Nephthys
Moderator Posts: 303
From: California
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 11, 2010 05:53 PM
Your answers are right here: quote:
95% there
quote:
no one deserves to feel like second choice or the object of forever-unrequited lust
If you are not 100% sure with Brian, are you going to have red flags waving at you as you walk down the isle? There obviously IS chemistry and sparks between you and Tony or you wouldn't feel them. Fantasy or not, there are planetary urges there that you can't deny. Chemistry and sparks don't mean that he is the one or that it is meant to be with Tony or that it would even work out. But think about being fair to yourself as well......follow your heart.........take your time, there is no rush and if need be, you might have to hold off on your engagement until you know for sure. (since you didn't post charts I gave a philosophical reply opposed to a synastry-analyzed one) Best wishes   IP: Logged |
bunnies
Knowflake Posts: 204
From: u.k
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 11, 2010 06:12 PM
I honestly believe that if you are with the right person you would never be asking these questions.
I think the issue is not even about Tony. I think deep down you are unsure about your engagement and now you have an excuse to voice those doubts.
What you need to ask yourself is "Why am I not ecstatic to be marrying my fiance?"
This may bring screaming hordes out of the woodwork but why don't you just find out beforehand?
Better now than being dissatisfied two years down the line.
Are you with your fiance because deep down you fear you may be left on your own? A perfectly normal fear.
And that he is "good enough"
I am not being judgemental but for some people "good enough" is fine and they can live reasonably happy with it.
And for some it's a disaster.
I suspect for you "good enough" would be a disaster.I have never seen love put down to percentages before! I was 90% certain that one of my ex husbands and I wouldn't make it but I still went ahead because I was crazy about him and no one else would ever have been in the picture till I took it to the wire.
I think subconsciously you are hoping Tony will save you from a life and a future that you really deep down don't want.
Not being harsh sweetie. It's easy to stand back and look hard at a situation that I am not in but just try to be honest with yourself.
Uncomfortable, but always better to be your authentic self.IP: Logged |
bunnies
Knowflake Posts: 204
From: u.k
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 11, 2010 06:15 PM
Ha! I must have been replying the same time as Nepthys.
There you go. We both think similarly!  IP: Logged |
Nephthys
Moderator Posts: 303
From: California
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 11, 2010 06:42 PM
 bunnies  IP: Logged |
Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake Posts: 62
From: Royal Oak, MI USA
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted June 11, 2010 09:34 PM
It is hard to hear what you are saying...the whole not wanting to be alone stuff. That is a valid point. As a Virgo, I do tend to rationalize things as well, so for me the thinking in percentages works. I do love Brian, and in some ways yes, you can say it's a safety thing. He's not the type of man who will ever leave me (and yes, my father did walk away before I was born so I know that plays in), and he will be a great father someday, and I want that too. He's warm and caring, and would do almost anything in the world to make me happy and he's stood by me through some pretty rough roads so far, including going back to school, starting my own business, several moves together, etc. He's everything I've ever wanted in a long-term partner and we work so well together. He's affectionate and stable, and we care so much about each other, and I know I can have everything I dreamed of with him, the house, kids, loving family. Our relationship doesn't have the high passion and drama of some, but for the most part I'm cool with that. If I were to ever date myself, there would be homicide involved  I do think we should wait til Spring to get married, not rushing into it like I was contemplating for the Fall. I only get in these doubtful spells every once in a great while, I wonder sometimes too if I'm trying to self-sabotage...? Here are our charts:
Tony's chart-
 My chart-
 ] Brian's chart-
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Nephthys
Moderator Posts: 303
From: California
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 12, 2010 10:47 PM
Sorry I don't have time to analyze charts right now but just wanted to say this:The only limits we have are those that we set upon ourselves. If you, truley feel, in your heart of hearts, that you don't need or want true passion in a relationship, that is your prerogative. I just dont' want ANYONE who is so young, (yes all you people in your 20's and 30's) thinking that you are on a "time limit" where you feel you have to settle for less ~ when there is a whole world out there and you *can* find true, passionate love, if only you will be patient and believe. There are so many wonderful people out there and you never know who you might meet next......... IP: Logged |
bunnies
Knowflake Posts: 204
From: u.k
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 13, 2010 03:56 AM
Beautifully put Madame Mod and can I just add.....and I am speaking from a world of experience here...That living a life with that underlying feeling that you are living only half a life is the most soul destroying existence ever.
Even a bad existence sometimes can feel more acceptable because you live in hope...hope that things will get better.
The realisation that this is the best it's ever going to be and you know it's not enough is your inner voice yelling to be heard.
I hate to sound twee and "new agey" but I now know what living an authentic life is.
It came as a shock to me what it ACTUALLY was. Certainly not what I had led myself to believe.
But there you go! Who knew Have you considered the radical option that neither of these men are what you need?
That maybe you should step out of the frame, look from a distance and endeavour to not hurt anyone in the process?
It might be easier than you think. IP: Logged |
pretty_uglybefore
Knowflake Posts: 54
From: scotland
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted June 13, 2010 09:08 AM
"That living a life with that underlying feeling that you are living only half a life is the most soul destroying existence ever."So, so wise and true.
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Nephthys
Moderator Posts: 303
From: California
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 13, 2010 12:56 PM
bunnies, you are so wise ~ SO MANY people who get married in their 20's are divorced now.........saying they wished they waited, now they see there was no rush back then........... Divorce is not pretty, especially when there are children involved, and $$ too ~ I know so many people who are scarred and have so much emotional baggage now, and dealing with such ugliness............ No I've never been married or divorced but I am glad to be me and follow my heart, then I know I am being TRUE TO MYSELF ~  Faith is sitting there waiting for you ~ IP: Logged |
seeker3030
Knowflake Posts: 197
From: UK
Registered: Dec 2009
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posted June 13, 2010 03:22 PM
I'm only just beginning to learn this vital lesson in my 30s. Wish wish wish I'd had the courage to say 'goodbye' with love to so many more 95% (or less) relationships... but I stayed in the hope I could make it work and somehow 'grow' the missing percentage over time. Sadly this never happened. The only thing that grew was discontentment, and in some very extreme cases resentment. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's so hard - but it's harder to live with something that's under par knowing there might be a chance of 100% somewhere out there. Good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for xxx IP: Logged |
MyVirgoMask
Knowflake Posts: 2885
From: Bay Area, CA
Registered: May 2009
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posted June 13, 2010 04:32 PM
I think Bunnies and Nepthys have given awesome insight here, among others, and I'm just going to give my 2 cents, take it or leave it:I married after 30, thinking hey!-I'm past 30, it's going to stick!
It didn't.
I was not 100% sure about him but try stopping me once I make up my mind - it doesn't happen. Just get out of the way because I will run you over. I knew things were bad but I had optimism clenched in one fist, determination in another fist, and I pummeled my way to the altar.
He looked good 'on paper', though we had problems. I just was determined to get married, period. I'm a 5th house Virgo with an Aries moon and a Taurus rising/Mars in the 1st. Maybe this is part of my stubbornness, but I don't know. I think if you want to get married, you also have to be prepared that you might get divorced no matter what, even if you're sure about the person (which by the sounds of it, you're not, but I'll address that in a minute).
I think divorce is always a possibility, because you just never know. You might think,Virgo-Aries, that he will never leave you, but maybe you will leave him. And maybe he might leave as well. I say this because no one ever knows 100% what will happen. And people can surprise us, and do.
In fact you will see often who someone really is when you divorce them. My so-called sweet husband who would have never left me and who I left because he was a pain in my ass and because we were incompatible made my life a living hell when I wanted divorce. Neither of us wanted to be married anymore but tell me, does it give him brownie points because he didn't want to file divorce but instead preferred to stay miserable? This was a man with a 6-figure income who never gave me back all of my possessions and SOLD the gifts he gave me and pocketed the profits. This man who 'would never leave me'. He wanted revenge, and all of that came out during divorce. I'm telling you this because you don't know someone until you decide to divorce them. And you never know if you will get a divorce.
So if you are set on getting married, do yourself a favor now and make sure you can handle it ending in divorce if it does. Make sure you guys talk about it. I really am not a cynical person - in fact I am the OPTIMIST. It's just that now I believe in covering my ass too. It sounds to me like your friend Tony is a catalyst for your deeper feelings of doubt about the marriage. I am not discrediting your feelings for him, I am sure they are genuine. I just think that they are also more in the forefront because you are not 100% present in your current relationship. That's a nagging doubt - and no matter how crappy it seems, your doubt is a gift because it's your intuition TELLING you something is not feeling right about all of this.
So I don't think you need to act on it right away or even make any final decisions. It sounds like the beginning of a dialogue with yourself that's starting with a hmm, I am not sure about this. Give it time and let the thought finish in its own time. I am sure it will. IP: Logged |
MyVirgoMask
Knowflake Posts: 2885
From: Bay Area, CA
Registered: May 2009
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posted June 13, 2010 04:37 PM
Also, I just want to say that I think that while divorce is a terrible thing, I also think that because it's always a possibility, we need to kind of make peace with it. Things don't work out, you divorce, you grieve, you get over it and meet someone else. It's horrible that it's a possibility, but logically speaking if you want to avoid any kind of possibility for divorce then you should not marry lol. The bottom line here, Virgo to Virgo, or human being to human being is, Don't be afraid to make mistakes.
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bunnies
Knowflake Posts: 204
From: u.k
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 13, 2010 05:03 PM
You girls are gorgeous human beings  And now apropos of nothing I wandered here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aA4HwFHiYyA&playnext_from=TL&videos=0ljk3xW7RUE
I did it the way you do sometimes on Youtube.
You start with a totally different subject and before you know it Dah dah!!!!
This is about the emotion of fear from the guy who wrote Conversations with God. Whether or not you believe him, what he says from about 4.35 about relationships is as good advice as you can get.
Talk about synchronicity! IP: Logged |
GypseeWind
Moderator Posts: 3716
From: Dayton,Ohio USA
Registered: May 2009
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posted June 13, 2010 11:30 PM
Awesome MVM and Bunnies.During my first wedding, I was screaming "NO!" in my head. Not a good sign. Before my second marriage I had to be nearly SEDATED with nerve medication and champagne, just to get throught the church doors. Again, bad sign, bad bad sign! I think if you have any doubts at all, you should just put it off. What would it really hurt if you gave yourself more time? Sometimes we must step back and really take a look at the big picture, to see things more clearly. I wish you the best. IP: Logged |
Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake Posts: 62
From: Royal Oak, MI USA
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted June 14, 2010 10:20 AM
Thank you, ladies, for your feedback!I will take a little more time before rushing into anything. We've got all the time in the world to figure this out. MVM, your words really helped, especially the part about not being afraid to make mistakes...as a Virgo that's always on my mind too. I've got to allow mys-Elf the freedom to process each moment as it comes, and create the highest version of my life possible. I did stumble upon an astrological explanation for some of what's come up lately as well:
http://ravenesque.net/2010/05/cupido-eros-bacchus-and-isolda/ IP: Logged |
comica23
Knowflake Posts: 1084
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted June 14, 2010 07:17 PM
There will always be grass that seems greener, and it's normal that we might feel attracted to someone else besides our partners sometimes. But well, we would never really know how a relationship will be 'till we start it, and the grass often seems tastier coz we're not dating him/her yet (initial passion and idealization can be illuding).Well, an attraction to someone can sometimes makes us evaluate our own relationships, but things should be fine if you do love your current partner and is generally happy. Sometimes, the loss of the initial passion or some relationship problems makes us wonder if everything is fine, but hardly any relationship is perfect, so there might always be some things missing or in need of working out. But as long as everyone is mostly happy then things should be fine (perfect relationships takes lots of effort and time to achieve). However, if this attraction gives you more than just a few doubts, then something might be wrong (maybe the relationship's doesn't really make you or your partner happy, maybe you do came to love another person, maybe committed relationships isn't what you really want, etc.). I agree with others that it's important to think carefully and only marry when you're really sure about it. *edited* IP: Logged | |
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