posted June 15, 2010 10:35 PM            

So, I was late for work this morning.... hurry hurry! rush! rush! out the door! Did you forget your... Out the door!! I dropped off my daughter, drove only a little fast the fifteen or so miles to the city I work in and then realized... I was an hour early. I had gotten so used to leaving an hour earlier that I thought I was leaving a few minutes late.
Anyway...
I had an hour to burn and decided to follow a garage sale sign even though I knew it was probably an old sign. There are some early sales that start on Wednesday, a couple more on Thursday and many start on Friday... but never Tuesday. But I liked the address... 1311 Homestead... so I followed the signs.

About 5 signs in I noticed it said that it was open Thurs-Sat but I thought, "I've gone this far... why not see where Homestead Street is located so I can find it quicker on Thursday?" I found it but had driven deep into a part of the city I wasn't as familiar with, so I took a road that I WAS familiar with (on the other end of town) and started driving in the general direction of my job. I realized I was reaching a familiar area near the interstate I take from time to time to go to a beach on the Mississippi River and to a state park miles down the road (when I get off the interstate and go in the opposite direction... I rarely if ever travel on the portion of the road I was currently traveling) and suddenly I saw the cemetary where I attended my friend Russell's funeral when I was 18 years old.

Because most of you aren't familiar (this is like the 5th time I've said the word "familiar") with this... and because it says so much to explain so I don't have to type it again... and because I feel it is the best thing I have ever written and because I want to do it in honor of Russell...

Here is my poem,

Green

I remember his blonde hair
it was a little spiky on top
and we used to joke
that he took longer than

a girl to get ready
when we all dressed up
to go dancing
and smiling
and flirting
and laughing

smelling like perfume or Polo
and Drakkar Noir

I remember he was quiet
The other boys were loud
and he was quiet
and gentle
and he followed them

We would go to the cemetery
and Jon would run
and scale
the walls and stone
like a streak of red
and Brad and Dan would creep off alone
and jump out to scare us
to death
smiling yellow smiles
And Tim would puff up a loyal and heroic blue and tell them
to take it easy on the girls
and Dominick or Mark would give us
a hot, fun wink
and Russell would sit
still
and alone
and quiet
on a lone wall by a mausoleum

or walk quietly toward the trees,
looking up at the stars
and his very stillness would
stop the youthful frenzied activity
of one of us, who would calmly walk
to his side, drawn to the
peaceful green of his being.

When they hung out at Jon’s house
they were all redder
wilder
more experimental
even Russell
who followed

I remember the afternoon
they told me
he was dead
that Jon held him in his arms

probably waiting too long to call the ambulance
the only time he was slow to do anything

that he held his head
his blonde spiky hair
and looked into his eyes
while he convulsed
and died

I remember we went to the funeral
without knowing or acknowledging his family
as if he was our family
immaturely unaware
in our own grief

Russell lay in the coffin
still
alone
and quiet

a sacrifice on the altar of youth

We all went to the cemetery
our cars creeping along the winding drives
that scaled the hills
and ran along the walls

between the stones
and when we arrived
at the burial
Jon boldly led us
around the stones
while Brad joked nervously to relieve the tension
and Tim hovered over the girls

we walked quietly toward the trees
and stood
surrounded by green
and as Russell’s family moved away from the coffin
our family advanced
calmly
drawn to the stillness
stopping our
frenzied
youthful
activity

long enough
to say
goodbye

We tossed memories and irreverent tokens
into the grave
to our friend

slips of paper
with words of love
lighters because he always somehow ended up with ours
condoms
because that was all they had left in their pockets
to give
“Good luck up there,” friend!

We traveled
home
Well, to Jon’s
lost in the unknown depths of our tender emotions
and confused by the barrage of thoughts and insights
that had invaded our minds

We sprayed each other with the garden hose
laughing until we cried
so glad to be alive
dancing in rainbows under the cool blue sky
and the red, yellow, and orange sun

as we trampled the green grass
beneath our feet
without noticing.

posted June 15, 2010 10:36 PM            

I drove in anyway.

I followed the winding roads I had driven so long ago.

I remembered a tree line. I knew the grave was near a tree line because I remember the night he was buried we came back. We sat near his grave and talked to him and got drunk and poured beer on dirt above where his body was buried and re-lived memories... our own memorial service... in the cemetery in the middle of the night. I think we slept there.

So, I got out of the car and walked to a tree line (this cemetery is huge and this will be important later on, so remember that). I was wearing my dress pants and dress sandals for work... and the grass was tall and wet. You see, it has been raining for practically 40 days and 40 nights here in the mid-west and it never dries out enough to mow. My steps squished into the moist earth and I started off trying my best not to walk "over" anyone's grave but after a certain amount of trudging and searching just began to take the shortest route while softly speaking apologies to the denizens. You know... "Sorry Gaines family... just looking for my friend's grave. His name is Russell. Can you hear me, Russell? I miss you. I love you. I've finally come back... though I know you have been with me other times... you HAVE been with me, right?? All those times I sensed you..."

I finally gave up. The bottom of my pants soaked, sandals and feet soaked... tree line exhausted. As I reached the paved road a lone white truck passed slowly and reverently by... I sensed it was someone who worked at the cemetery. A groundskeeper I supposed or the cemetery version of a park ranger. I looked down and finished trudging to my car. I was sad and didn't want anyone intruding on my "space" and I sensed he respected that.

I thought I would drive around a bit more... maybe I would see another tree line.
I saw a building and it occurred to me that maps might be available so I drove up to it. It said "Maintenance" and I stopped anyway because the truck was there and I thought he could tell me where the office was located.
Well, I peeked in the door and he was coming out and I asked if there was an office around and looking back, only my mood prevented the situation from having the flavor of a Stephen King novel... young woman stops her car in cemetery, nice old guy, slightly grizzled looking appears, girl asks for the office, cemetery attendant says, "Well, we have an office, but it isn't open." Girl says, "Well, for when I come back another time, where is it located?" Older man says, "we haven't had anybody working in it for about 3 months now..." (this is when the tense creepy music starts, right?) But anyway... I say, "Well, do you happen to have a map?" feeling stupid and wondering if he was going to say, "a map of WHAT?" and I was going to have to say, "of the dead people and where they are buried" or something clever that conveyed that query. But this good man says, "Who are you looking for?"

"My old friend, Russell Seifers. He died when we were 18."

This angel says, "Oh, he's right over there" and gestures behind him and to the left.

My mouth drops open and tears immediately spring to my eyes and I practically sob, "You know where he IS???"

And he basically says, "A-Yuh" (which is what the Stephen King cemetery keeper character would say because most of his characters are from Maine) and I say, "Will you take me there?" with look a child might have when coming to the realization that someone might be taking them to Disney... astounded and not so sure it could be real and feeling the joy and the deep sadness if it's not real all at the same time... and this dear, sweet man is already headed for his truck to take me there and tells me "sure" or "of course" or "no problem" or something reassuring and then something about turning around his truck because it's that way etc and I am plopping into the driver's seat of my car in a daze and telling myself to pay attention and drive and don't hit anything.

And we just drive less than 100 feet and we get out and start walking toward a tree line and I say, "I knew it was by a tree line..." and he says, "Your feet are going to get wet" and I say, "They already are" and he walks with me in silence and I say something about not being able to mow and getting lost in my own yard and he says something about the rain and we near the tree line and he is just walking on all sorts of graves, I assume he's already made his apologies. I asked him how he knew where Russell was... he said that he was young and he stood out... committed suicide? and I said, well, no, it was more like a drug overdose in a way and he said oh yes, Butane. Because that's how Russell died. The boys were inhaling butane. And I didn't stop them. I even tried it. Might as well have encouraged them to do it. Might as well have given it the big ol' stamp of approval.

"Here he is."

I feel this joy, like a reunion. Like I finally found something I had been looking for... for so long. Thank you thank you, I say. I stare at the gravestone for a moment and then look up at my angel. He knows I want to be alone... he "has worked here for a long time" like he said on our walk across the grass, and he says, "Well..." and starts walking away and I say, "Thank you SO much, thank you SO much" with emotion just pouring out of me and he says kind words and fades off across the grass
and
I'm left
standing there
surrounded by green.

posted June 15, 2010 11:23 PM            

and I can't stop saying I love you.
and we talk for a long time... or I talk.
And I tell him that his death changed my life
shaped my life.
And I cry because I wanted to help troubled teens for a job and that's not what I'm doing now and finally I'm convinced that I should go back to school and that I can handle it now and Russell will help me and it is the right time and I say all of this out loud because I am in a misting rain on dreary day alone in the cemetery... except for Russell and anyone else living there who is listening at the time and I have all sorts of thoughts about time not existing and how Russell's soul can be there with me while simultaneously being in a new body, reincarnated as something even MORE beautiful and I am wishing him joy and blessing him with all of my might and I told him about my poem and it being the best thing I ever wrote, even though I believe he already "read" it one of the dozens of times I have read it and felt every word so deeply....

and I can't even do the experience justice but you may have gotten a taste of it...

and then I trudge (a little lighter) back to my car and beg for the Holy Spirit/God/The Universe to speak to me through my music and then I drive to work in a daze listening to what is communicated to me.

Russell told me I was beautiful. And oh it meant so much to me. ♥

posted June 15, 2010 11:46 PM            

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Others they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted don't be shamed to cry

You gotta be, you gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save the day

Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Read the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My, oh, my, hey hey hey

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save the day

Time asks no questions it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning can't stop it if you tried to
The best part is danger staring you in the face
Whoa

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save the day

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Others they may cause your tears
Go ahead release your fears
My, oh, my, hey, hey, hey

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save the day

You got to be bold, you got to be bad
You got to be wise, don't ever say it
You got to be hard, not too too hard
All I know is love will save the day

Love, love, love will save the day
Love, love, love will save the day
Love, love, love will save the day
Love, love, love will save the day

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save the day

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save...

The day

Oooh, oooh
Oooh, oooh, oooh oooh, oooh

posted June 16, 2010 09:33 AM            

I think it is funny that I am writing to "Mermaid" and "Bunnies". It is like we are in an innocent world where we can all be 7 again, like my daughter. "What's YOUR name?" Mermaid "Oh, I'm gonna be Bunnies. That's a pretty name, don't you think?" Oh yeeees.

Again, thank you. It means a lot. Mermaid, your supportive words are such a blessing and I didn't think about familiar being a comfort word but you are right. I still have so much to think about with this experience coupled with other events in my life (both recent and past). An exbf from just before the time Russell passed contacted me which is bringing up even more memories of the past. Mars (ORBM) said I would be revisiting the "me" from when I was 18 and he isn't kidding. Saturn square Pluto maybe? I'm not sure. Maybe someone will tell me.

Bunnies, thank you again for reading, I'm so glad you found it worthwhile. ♥

posted June 16, 2010 11:16 AM            

HE brought you there yesterday morning.

Everything happens for a reason...........your rushing in the morning, then having the extra hour..........then going to the cemetary........it was planned. He planned it.

posted June 20, 2010 11:02 PM            

Then there are the birds who nest in my carport and always throw their babies out of the nests every year to die horribly on the ground starving to death while baking in the sun. Every year my daughter begs me to help them and I try and fail. This year the worst started today... a few had fallen before but were small and dead when they hit the ground or soon after. Today, two darn near full grown ones were dropped out, but not cared for by the parents all day, and by afternoon my daughter was feeding them rolly-pollys (or however you spell that) and I got upset and told her to leave them alone in case the parents found a way to care for them etc. and she just sat with them after that and then came running in the house crying and hysterical that Muffin (neighbor cat she loves) just came up to her with a dead bird in his mouth and was going to kill her birds, she just knew it and would I get the cage from last year and here I am growling about how FINE I'll get the cage but they are going to die anyway like every other year and they have a better chance on the ground in case their parents come back and the first grader version of how she basically signed their death warrant if she puts them in the cage. Then I go sit on the back porch and call a friend to vent so I don't get my daughter more upset and to make a long story short, they are now sleeping in a "nest" inside a clear plastic cake lid in her bedroom. :rollseyes:
So anyway, they'll probably be dead soon enough, sadly, and I told her they would probably be better off being eaten by the cat because they would be out of their misery quicker (but I so didn't believe myself because dear God, I looked over while she was putting them in the cage and Muffin was actually across the street leaping and spinning in the air over and over while batting around this small blackish thing which could only be the bird corpse... if it was actually dead, I hope so, but I smashed my mouth shut and didn't call attention to it) so it was her decision if she wanted to give them some love and attention before they passed out of this world and were reborn as something else (a squirrel perhaps we suggested) but that I didn't know what kind of birds they were and birds had different diets. We have been through this many years and I have researched taking care of them on the internet... it always says, leave them alone and let nature take it's course, trying to feed them will just give them another kind of painful death from malnourishment... but I am to the point where I figure, malnourishment or starvation/dehydration, damn, what's the difference, nature is cruel and maybe some love from my daughter will help them in their next life and my only other option is putting on the steel toes and stomping their little brains out to put them out of their misery faster (which I don't have the farmer guts to do which is why I was all for the cat until I saw the batting around like a ball of yarn display)... so anyway, what in heck am I talking about...

oh yeah

death.

posted December 03, 2017 05:51 PM            

Mermaid26 said that to me in 2010 and it is just now getting through to me fully.

Lindaland magic

posted December 26, 2017 11:54 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Mystic Melody:
"You have much Saturn wisdom that makes you a gifted minister/teacher/guide."

Mermaid26 said that to me in 2010 and it is just now getting through to me fully.

Lindaland magic

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