Posts: 261
From: UK
Registered: Dec 2009

posted February 13, 2011 11:41 AM            

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Is it for example a selfish thing to tell someone how you feel about them when they're going through a stressful time in their life? Even if the feeling you're expressing is positive? We're always taught that honesty is the best policy... but are there times when there's such a thing as too much honesty? What do you think?

Lots of questions today... pondering experiences, encounters, actions and all sorts.

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From: A Place of Pure Love <3
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posted February 13, 2011 02:47 PM            

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It depends on how you say it. In this case honesty isn't always the best policy and revealing your feelings for a person when they're going through a difficult time in their life can be perceived as selfish and may make the person feel pressured.
I would suggest you let that person know that you care for them and you have their back no matter what, then perhaps you can revisit the matter when the person is at a happier place in their life

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From: memphis, TN USA
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posted February 13, 2011 05:01 PM            

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Honesty has always been my policy. In my more mature age, it has become a tempered with a little more sensitivity than when I was younger. A little too honest,and my sun sign is given to being self-centered, so I may not be the best person to answer this. But here goes. In the long run, honesty is best. Nothing hurts more than when you don't tell someone the pure truth and someone else does, then you are perceived as untrustworthy. My question to you is...if you lie to or are not totally forth-coming with someone when they are going through a difficult time, does it make what they are going through any better?

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posted February 13, 2011 05:33 PM            

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It's too late to do any differently - I told the person and they reacted badly, said I was 'unfair to drop this on them as now they won't be able to focus on anything else without it looking like they don't care and that's not true.' Arguably they're going through a tremendously tough time and I probably could have chosen my moment a little better however there are other circumstances (things that will probably prevent us from seeing each other for a long time) which made me bite the bullet and go for it. Better to be honest than bottle up? Either way it looks like they're not talking to me now.
Thank you both for your honesty in answering

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From: A Place of Pure Love <3
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posted February 13, 2011 05:43 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by the.lamb.ram:
Honesty has always been my policy. In my more mature age, it has become a tempered with a little more sensitivity than when I was younger. A little too honest,and my sun sign is given to being self-centered, so I may not be the best person to answer this. But here goes. In the long run, honesty is best. Nothing hurts more than when you don't tell someone the pure truth and someone else does, then you are perceived as untrustworthy. My question to you is...if you lie to or are not totally forth-coming with someone when they are going through a difficult time, does it make what they are going through any better?

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It isn't out right lying, it's withholding information that as per the last post was better left unsaid until the person's situation was resolved.

You are welcome, buddy, I am sorry they reacted badly

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From: memphis, TN USA
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posted February 13, 2011 06:31 PM            

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Ever, I did preface my statement by saying I probably wasn't the best person to comment. lol

You are right, somethings are left better unsaid at least held back for a while but does it change how a person feels if it's told now when they are going through or later when they are doing better? If the truth hurts while you are going through something...does it hurt any less when you are not?

I don't advocate deliberately hurting someone's feelings now or later, but people who know me--know that its better not to ask me a question if you don't want the true answer. I guess I'm just to simple and straightforward and admittedly selfish but equally and generous. Sugar coating, pussyfooting around stuff is just too complicated.

But the people I endear and who endear me love me for it. I never encourage anyone to be brutal or kick someone while they are down but the bottom line is...it is how it is...period.

We all go through things, (some of us more than others) But I'd rather have a friend tell me the whole unadulterated truth than otherwise...even if I am vulnerable at the time. It may be just what I need. But that's just me.

If what they say hurts me and it's the truth...that's life. The true test of any relationship is endurance. I get mad at those I love and they get mad at me but ultimately, we love each other so we get over it.

So my question is still the same...Will what you say about how you feel about someone in truth make their trials and tribulations any better or worse? Really.

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From: A Place of Pure Love <3
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posted February 13, 2011 06:58 PM            

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Hi LambRam,

Seeker was withholding the fact that he/she had romantic feelings for the person, that's not really a bad thing but couldv'e have added an extra stress to the person as it being one more thing to figure out when they already have so many things going on in their life

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From: memphis, TN USA
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posted February 13, 2011 07:07 PM            

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I figured as much. Romantic feelings if reciprocated shouldn't add stress.

I say it's a good sign that it wouldn't work out for the two of them if sharing warm and fuzzies only adds stress.

IF I told a guy I had a thing for them and he was delighted at that fact and to add insult to injury he said I was "dropping" something on him AND insinuated I was adding stress to his already stressful life..me and my feelings would exit stage left. I would expect that if I was sharing something so special and wonderful as romantic feelings towards him that it should be a good thing not an added burden to his problems.

I am a typical Arian though and I fall hard and fast but I run faster. lol

Maybe next time, I'll keep my big mouth shut.

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From: memphis, TN USA
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posted February 13, 2011 07:08 PM            

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I meant WASN'T delighted.

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Posts: 954
From: A Place of Pure Love <3
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posted February 13, 2011 08:29 PM            

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Lamb Ram, I agree with you, if the person does share feelings too it probably wouldn't have caused any extra stress if they felt the same, but then again perhaps romance is the last thing they want on their plate right now.

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posted February 14, 2011 03:33 AM            

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If you know and are quite sure that your feelings will be reciprocated then no doubt you can go ahead..
But if you arent sure of that being mutual,then withholding back untill it makes sense for both of you would be the right thing to...patience is virtue especially when dealing with people who are undergoing stress..
Be careful enough that your blurting out wouldnt cause more pain to both of you and then proceed wisely.

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Posts: 261
From: UK
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posted February 14, 2011 04:00 AM            

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Yes he's having a very stressful time at work and going through a divorce. He's been separated for a year. I didn't know for certain whether he felt the same or not but his behaviour suggested he did. He was even talking about marriage and kids just after we got together. I looked back over a lot of his texts to me and the early ones do seem to read as if he felt the same but either that's changed or the stress has overwhelmed him and he can't connect with his feelings. Don't know. Either way will just have to write it off I suppose.

He's going away for a while and that's why i decided to take the plunge and be brave. He's a Gemini with an Aqua moon so perhaps I should have realised that feelings weren't going to go down all that well! I told him how I felt but made it light and kind of witty - I apologised for adding stress and said if he didn't feel the same then not to worry. I told him I wouldn't normally behave like this but because of the odd circumstances we find ourselves in (his impending deployment) I felt it was right to tell and find out where I stand.

This is how he replied...

"I need you to know I've read your email. I would appreciate the time to soak up your disclosure. It has come as a bit of a surprise I have to say. I have a lot going on right now and in the spirit of honesty while I appreciate and have insisted on your honesty this is adding to an already complex situation and a busy period. I echo the sentiment and understand the unique circumstances we are presented with, indeed I know all too well how the near future is going to present its challanges to add more to the mix.

This is really unfair of you to drop this on me. I cannot focus now on anything else as it will appear like I don't care and that isn't true."

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posted February 14, 2011 04:08 AM            

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Seems like its working...seeker...just give him the space that he requires...understand what were the consequences that lead him to separation...try to be caring about his feelings rather than yours for the momemt..
After you are convinced that there is no fault of his ...in the so called break up..then you can take a step further i guess.
U mmust be prepared to let him go...just in case they patch up..because the break period is only one year..so consider all the factors then make a move..
Ask your heart for answers...more than anybody else.

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From: UK
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posted February 14, 2011 04:18 AM            

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I don't think they'll reunite to be honest - she's with someone else and he's adamant there's no feelings left for her. I sounded him out about that a while back because like you I said it's only been a year. Yes will take your advice and give him space. I've not contacted him - he sent me a text the day after he sent that message saying he hadn't slept well but nothing since. What will be will be. Thank you x

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From: Pleasanton, CA
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posted February 14, 2011 02:53 PM            

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If you have to ask whether it's selfish, it probably is on some level. However, I think people expect a certain amount of selfishness in their dealings with other humans.

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posted March 30, 2011 07:34 PM            

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I posted this in another forum, but it bears repeating here.

Right up front, I am a woman deeply in love with another woman. Since I don't see too many posts addressing this dynamic, perhaps I can enlighten some of you. One of us is gay, the other is not. We come from different backgrounds, are both in committed relationships, and did NOT invite, encourage, cultivate this meeting. Our supervising Dean did this for us. I am her assistant. Do I say it was love at first sight? For me, it was comfort and peace at first time. Familiarity. Like we belonged together in the classroom. We are solar opposites, have sun/moon conjunction as well, as well as all the other aspects that appear to show that we met in this lifetime to fulfill something together. My love for this woman is comprehensive. It does not begin or end with sexual passion, but delves
into mental ecstacy. My astrologer will do a reading on her chart and mine. At this time, she is not aware that I have fallen for her so mightily. At this point, I don't want to risk losing her as a soul companion, and friend, because I think if she knew the depth of my feelings it would freak her. Come this Monday, I believe I will have my intial hunches confirmed. The energy is incredible is all I can add.

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