Lindaland
  Soul Unions
  Advice needed: My tolerance level is going to get ruined

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq | search

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   Advice needed: My tolerance level is going to get ruined
java
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: newark, ca, usa
Registered: Mar 2011

posted March 17, 2011 06:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for java     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am in a fairytale relationship with an Aqua man who has Taurus moon, venus and mars in Pisces. Here I am a Capricorn with Taurus moon, cappy Venus and aqua mars. Things are very stable and there is a lot of love and forgiveness between us. But I just have one complaint about him and he is completely aware of it. He complains about everything in life. In other words, except for me, everything in this life is like a struggle for him. According to my point of view, problems are a part of life. Now for about three months now, he has been going paranoid about his car which is about to hit 90,000. And I have been hearing about it every night! He got the waterpump changed at the dealership. Turned out it was defective. So the card was retaken and the device was replaced again. Things are fine now. But he has been killing my soul by again and again complaining about it. His car is fairly new since its a 2001 model. I told him how I am sick of it. I have been telling it to him for months. He feels for me for a while, but again every single day goes back to that same complaint. I have stayed calm so far. Thanks to his good psychic ability, he understands how bad I feel inside when I hear the same complaint, but he simply cannot stop it.

I know he is very sensitive inside. So I never yell at him. Also, I never argue with him. I am just staying calm. But in my heart I am exploding. I cannot hold onto the anger.
Is there any other way I can tell him to stop complaining without hurting his feelings?

IP: Logged

Lucia23
Knowflake

Posts: 2313
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted March 17, 2011 09:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lucia23     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This guy is SO FIXED. Someone I'm close to is the flipped signs (Taurus Sun, Aqua Moon), and he can get really dull and depressive for no reason. It's just because he's so cautious or something.

I wouldn't worry too much about hurting his feelings, because if he tries to change this for you, it will take him a LONG TIME. He's slow to change.

So just gently tell him you love him and you think you have a "fairytale relationship", and that it is very, very, very important to you that he start looking on the bright side more, because that helps you to feel loved.

And then you will have to gently remind him like 700 times, all without nagging. With a guy this fixed, change does not come too easily and you'll have to really pick your battles.

IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 6902
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted March 17, 2011 09:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Welcome!

IP: Logged

java
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: newark, ca, usa
Registered: Mar 2011

posted March 18, 2011 02:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for java     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks Randall and Lucia23

Yes, he is very fixed. I actually told him that, but he goes back to square one

IP: Logged

TxGirl
Knowflake

Posts: 200
From:
Registered: Feb 2011

posted March 18, 2011 06:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for TxGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hello and welcome!

Maybe tell him how it make syou feel personally. And, what it is/ could do to the relationship. It's hard to be positive with a positive outlook when all you hear about is negative things.

Or try to change the subject? Well, atleast you got a car that runs and that's more than some people can say (laugh). Or yeah my car lasted up to so and so miles, I was just glad to have it! Yu know, there is so many important things in life, like family and how important you are to me, I try not to let small things worry me. Because a relationship need nourishment and I try to keep only positive things flowing. Not that your problems can't be talked about but why don't we say things we like! I LIKE YOU!

Lol, I don't know just some ideas. Gotta figure something out. That will get old very very fast and over time I think you may feel very drained. And it wont be fun for you anymore. Maybe just be honest with him in a nice way? The toll it takes on you and your emotions, not that hearing his worries bother you, but the same one every night. Sure 90,000 is a decent amount- sh!t I'd get a car at 90,000 miles haha!

Just like that saying don't count yer eggs until they're hatched. Kinda goes. Don't worry until it's a problem. Prepare for it, and know it may eventually come but either way you can't stop the inevitable.

I could sit around and talk about how we are all going to die one day. And how nervous this makes me. It's real yes. But, there is no need for me to stress myself out over it. If it's going to happen it's going to happen.

Maybe, try to be so positive he doesn't want to say anything? Oh I'm in such a good mood today! Let's just be together and have fun, everything with you is so great and all I want to do is just enjoy your company!

I don't know dear. Gotta figure something out though!

IP: Logged

annaf
Knowflake

Posts: 37
From:
Registered: Jun 2009

posted March 18, 2011 04:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for annaf     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi Java,

I can understand that you don't want to hurt him, but considering that you have repeatedly made clear how much his constant complaining is grinding on your nerves and nothing really changes in his behaviour, I really think it would be in your (long term) best interest if indeed you finally did explode for once. Then maybe s.th. will 'click' inside of him and he'll realize that he absolutely does have to adjust this particular personality trait, if he doesn't want to make things permanently unbearable for you. I doubt he has any idea of the full extent of your frustration.

Fairy tale relationship or not, if you are already now ready to explode when you are still blissfully in love, with time it certainly will become unbearable for you if you don't take more drastic actions. I'm like you a capricorn sun with venus in capricorn and my father is like your boyfriend very fixed and like your boyfriend a chronic complainer. It sounds like nothing much, but I really think it is a trait that if left unchecked is really an utterly poisoning personality trait. In the 30+ year marriage with my mother my dad's own 'sensitivity' has always kept things nicely in his favour i.e. my mother never really aggressively called him out on his negative traits early on and has tended to tiptoe around him. End result, over the years this side of his personality has gotten worse and worse and I find it sometimes utterly suffocating to even be in the same room with him because of it. My mother is a wonderfully kind, generous and positive human being and it hurts me to see how over the years being married to my father has put a permanent damper on her own happiness. I'm not saying your boyfriend is like my father, but what I am saying is that looking out for a loved ones sensitivities is only fine up to a point. When it is starting to hurt you, yelling is sometimes not the worst option. Also, bear in mind, this side of him will probably get more pronounced over time because it does seem to be a big part of his personality. So keeping quiet will not result in him just stopping!

IP: Logged

java
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: newark, ca, usa
Registered: Mar 2011

posted March 18, 2011 06:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for java     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi TxGirl,
Believe it or not I mentioned your line, "It's hard to be positive with a positive outlook when all you hear about is negative things" last week. He got paranoid and thought I was indirectly telling him that I was gonna leave. But that was not what I meant.

So far these are some of the things I told him:
"You should appreciate what you have. There are many people who cannot even afford to buy foods. So many still rely on bus or simply walk to their destination."

I also pointed out to him that my first car was 92 Camry which had over 200,000 miles. But I still drove it and had no complaints. And the car I drove now has 114k.

He simply concluded that his car got bad reviews and now he is paranoid that it will break down. But believe me, it drives fine and has no engine problem.

Like annaf said, I guess it is really time for me to explode. But somehow I feel it will not be taken right by him. He says his Aquarian dad is also a whiner and so he has inherited this trait from him.

IP: Logged

TxGirl
Knowflake

Posts: 200
From:
Registered: Feb 2011

posted March 18, 2011 07:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for TxGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by java:
Hi TxGirl,
Believe it or not I mentioned your line, "It's hard to be positive with a positive outlook when all you hear about is negative things" last week. He got paranoid and thought I was indirectly telling him that I was gonna leave. But that was not what I meant.

So far these are some of the things I told him:
"You should appreciate what you have. There are many people who cannot even afford to buy foods. So many still rely on bus or simply walk to their destination."

I also pointed out to him that my first car was 92 Camry which had over 200,000 miles. But I still drove it and had no complaints. And the car I drove now has 114k.

He simply concluded that his car got bad reviews and now he is paranoid that it will break down. But believe me, it drives fine and has no engine problem.

Like annaf said, I guess it is really time for me to explode. But somehow I feel it will not be taken right by him. He says his Aquarian dad is also a whiner and so he has inherited this trait from him.


Well, I understand being around negative people can make one negative. But, as an adult we have choices. And if you've tried ther eis either a. exploding or b. letting him be.

Like the person above said, really it will only get worse, and if it isn't his car it'll be something else. Either he has to TRY, I mean he can't be perfect no one can. But, surely he can try. If not, eventually you'll resent him for making you feel the way you do, and he's only bringing in negativity- couldn't imagine how he'd be if something actually does happen with hsi car or anything else!

Communication is great, but I guess tell him exactly how you feel, what you are scared of and why. What he is not only doign to you but the relationship as a whole. That'd be my last resort.

Blowing up could be an answer but that isn't a way to handle any situation really, I don't think. I do wish you the best of luck though, I really really do and please keep us updated!

IP: Logged

Deux*Antares
Knowflake

Posts: 924
From: I am where I am and it's enough.
Registered: Apr 2009

posted March 19, 2011 05:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Deux*Antares     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
What I would do if I were in your shoes is give him a dose of his own medicine. Here are two things that I might do:

A) I will tell him that he is allowed only 30 seconds to complain, and I will leave the room after that. Thirty seconds is more than enough to convey a message (e.g. TV commercials). This way he won't feel that I'm ignoring him and I will still have my sanity intact. Only one session allowed per day.

B) I will record his "speech". And the next time he starts to complain, I will tell him to save his voice/energy... I will play back the recording and tell him to just listen. For fun, I might add a background music, edit his speech a bit and make it sound like he is rapping or something.

I know this is a serious matter but the best way I can think of to solve this is to laugh at it. I wouldn't force him to change but I would definitely be creative in my response or reaction to his actions/behavior.

IP: Logged

annaf
Knowflake

Posts: 37
From:
Registered: Jun 2009

posted March 19, 2011 08:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for annaf     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by java:
Hi TxGirl,
Believe it or not I mentioned your line, "It's hard to be positive with a positive outlook when all you hear about is negative things" last week. He got paranoid and thought I was indirectly telling him that I was gonna leave. But that was not what I meant.

So far these are some of the things I told him:
"You should appreciate what you have. There are many people who cannot even afford to buy foods. So many still rely on bus or simply walk to their destination."

I also pointed out to him that my first car was 92 Camry which had over 200,000 miles. But I still drove it and had no complaints. And the car I drove now has 114k.

He simply concluded that his car got bad reviews and now he is paranoid that it will break down. But believe me, it drives fine and has no engine problem.

Like annaf said, I guess it is really time for me to explode. But somehow I feel it will not be taken right by him. He says his Aquarian dad is also a whiner and so he has inherited this trait from him.


Hi Java,

I don't mean you have to get into a shouting match, get loud etc. I meant 'explode/yelling' in the sense, make clear that you've had quite enough of his constant complaining, that he is wearing you down and really has to do something about it. This can be done calmly and by starting with "I love you, but...", but then being direct. Honestly, the examples of comments you have made to him are really nothing. Telling someone who has a tendency to constantly be negative and complain that others are worth of will enter one ear and out the other. It's a general statement and doesn't in any way imply how it is really truely frustrating YOU. So my guess is, he really has no idea how much he is killing you with his act. No one is perfect, but a relationship is about give and take and it is not too much to ask for him to get a hold on that side of his personality. You are not asking him to stop discussing his feelings when there are really objective problems. You are not asking him to change as a person, just to be more considerate to you. And putting him on the spot in that respect doesn't mean you are leaving him. If you can't voice any form of criticism because you have to worry about him getting paranoid, it would be a form of emotional manipulation and certainly not healty for your relationship in the long run.

IP: Logged

java
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: newark, ca, usa
Registered: Mar 2011

posted March 19, 2011 06:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for java     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yeah, I know guys. It seems that I am not programmed to really yell at him. I just cannot be mean with him. He is driven by more of the Pisces influence he has in his chart. And as far as I know Pisces is prone to heartache more than any other signs. I mean they easily get hurt. I also heard women complain that sometimes this heartache made their Pisces driven guys swim away. Of course, I know that my Aqua guy won't do anything like that, but the "what-if" sometimes comes in my head.

Deux*Antares, your idea sounds good. He actually should listen to his own whining.

TxGirl, things have actually turned worse. In two years, not a single day went without complaints. I don't want to think like this, but somehow I am feeling that he is taking advantage of the fact that I once told him that since I am his girlfriend he can share everything that bugs him about the world. Also it seems the complaining has got into his habit--if he doesn't do it one day he might not even get enough sleep for the night!


IP: Logged

TxGirl
Knowflake

Posts: 200
From:
Registered: Feb 2011

posted March 19, 2011 06:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for TxGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lol, geeze. I know you don't want to hurt him, but you can't hide him from the real world and very REAL emotions you have.

It's got to get better because it's obviously taking a toll on you. So, either you may end up hurting his feelings by being as blunt and honest as possible, or you'll eventually have to get out due to being so drained.

IP: Logged

java
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: newark, ca, usa
Registered: Mar 2011

posted March 19, 2011 08:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for java     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am actually already very much drained. Last week, I called him self centered. He got hurt to hear it. But I explained to him that it is unhealthy to be always so negative. Complaining is not bad, but if it is about every single thing in life then it is almost life threatening! The entire world was chaotic last week because of the earthquake, tsunami and reactor explosion. My boyfriend comes to know about it after 3 days and that is also from me.

IP: Logged

TxGirl
Knowflake

Posts: 200
From:
Registered: Feb 2011

posted March 20, 2011 12:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for TxGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Seems he's a bit too into himself and not others. I don't know. I gave you the little knowledge I have. Things probably wont work if he doesn't quit though.

IP: Logged

Lyra
Knowflake

Posts: 283
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2009

posted March 20, 2011 06:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lyra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was married to an Aqua once and he was happy as Larry in public - but the complaints never stopped in private. Perhaps it's something about being born @ that time of year, but it thoroughly put me off marrying again for good. He was always complaining about my body - one minute I was too fat, the next too thin (for the record, I am a PETITE, HOT BLONDE who appeals to a lot of men) and every man I have dated since has told me how hot or pretty I am on a regular basis (not that I need it now, I am confident enough in myself NOW - but it is still MILES BETTER than UNWARRANTED negative comments!!! I.e. "you should have plastic surgery on your boobs" "Oh shut up - who listens to what you have to say anyway?" (in front of acquaintances)). When I think of the things he said and did on a regular basis - this is what has made me throroughly commitment phobic and unwilling to commit to anyone in a hurry - because I just can't trust anyone again after him. Everything I did was wrong - I ended up jibing back at him and of course there was no end to HIS hurt feelings! So I think a divorce couldn't have been a better solution under the circumstances.
He was also very Fixed - Aqua Sun, Leo Moon, Scorp Asc. Nothing and no-one could make him change - or at least I didn't think I could - although I think he did actually manage to get a job after I left him - for the first time in his life - I think it kinda hit him hard.

I feel for you.

I'm an Aries BTW - and I think, for an Aries, I was patient - I used to shout at him but I felt drained after all the shouting in the end and just wanted to be on my own.

XXX

IP: Logged

java
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: newark, ca, usa
Registered: Mar 2011

posted March 21, 2011 06:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for java     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am sorry to hear that Lyra. No, my boyfriend never complains about me. But seeing everything else with critical eyes isn't such a good idea.

Update:
I guess my boyfriend's pisces influence already smelled my post in this forum. He hasn't complained for 2 days now. He has been a bit in jolly mood and also is enjoying talks about other things.

So strange

IP: Logged

EverEvolvingSpirit
Moderator

Posts: 806
From: A Place of Pure Love <3
Registered: Feb 2011

posted March 21, 2011 06:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for EverEvolvingSpirit     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thats good, java

IP: Logged

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright © 2011

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a