posted April 15, 2011 02:36 AM            

You sound like you're adopting a good approach - and if you feel like you're slipping, just talk about it here and that might help you hold on!

Re inviting him to your birthday party - depends how shy he is. Would he know other people there? If not would he feel awkward going to an event where he doesn't know anyone? I personally don't think its too personal, but if you do it, you have to be prepared, deep down, to cope if he says he can't attend. He genuinely might not be able to make it because of logistics, he's nervous, etc.

I think there's a tug of war going on at the moment; and at some point you're going to have to decide which way you're going to let the rope fall... Am I right that the 3 things you're most afraid of are:

1) Wondering 'what if' and should you have been more assertive etc...

2) Going for it, and being rejected.

3) Getting together with him by whatever means but him turning out to be wrong for you/vice versa and it not working out.

If I've understood correctly and they are your worries, then there is no one single course of action that can protect you from all 3, regardless of his sun sign, star sign, road sign, neon sign etc. The only way to avoid no 1 is to grab the situation by the balls and go for it. Solutions to no 2 are to walk away now or wait patiently and see what happens but don't make the move yourself. For no 3, you either don't get in to the relationship or you get to know him better before you decide if it would be an appropriate relationship for you.

Are any of the above 'conditional'? That might help your filtering process... Like if he is 'in to you', presumably it would solve the risk from no 1 and 2, but would it negate number 3 for you? If he isn't in to you in that way, then no 1 and no 3 won't be a problem, but no 2 would.

I don't think I've helped much have I?

Keep talking it out though, it might help somehow.

Rachel x

posted April 17, 2011 10:42 PM            

I feel like I am tearing myself apart internally because of all these sentiments I have. I want to wait and not make a move but at the same time I don't know if I can just easily let him in and out of my life (assuming he doesn't make a real move either)

God. How depressing to think about it! I spoke to him recently via email and he kind of comforted me since I had a bad day. He's a guy I would love to get to know more...which is why I am still unsure about asking him out to coffee or inviting him to my birthday. I feel my birthday is safer because I can see how it acts around my friends he doesn't know. But that's IF he accepts the invitation and I muster up the courage to invite him....I'm just rambling aren't I? I should just not do ANYTHING.

I have hard time reading his actions, that's the main problem. I barely know the man. lol
I guess I should just let time take its natural course, right?

posted April 18, 2011 05:23 AM            

The ones you never make effort with - end up chasing you. The ones you do - don;t wanna know.

I think Lucia raises some good points here. Especially about the mixed-signal guys. But I would also say - don't work within timeframes. Because what is time really? It's immaterial. Time is to spend doing stuff YOU enjoy in. And to be honest who can tell you who to invite or who not to invite to your birthday party? I'm tempted to follow Italian and Spanish women's reaction to "The Rules" and say "why should I need a book to tell me how to love?"

A good test of who is and is not interested is to invite EVERYONE in your life to stuff and see who bites. That will give you a good feel for who is and who is not interested in doing stuff with you, and for what reasons. I know this may sound hard but don't take rejection personally (I admit I struggle with this one).

Far and away, I find single people to be more available to LISTEN and be friends than coupled-up people, who are much too interested in each other's navels to worry about anyone else. Try to get a good network of friends around - this gives you a more secure base in life, and who knows, the romance may come of your own accord when you least expect it.

I wasn't kissed until I was 20 and was a virgin until I was 23, so I do know where you are coming from...

Take care sweetheart!!

Love

posted April 18, 2011 10:35 PM            

You have a good point about time frames and being true to oneself. I also feel I should just go with the flow. If I want to, why not invite him as a friend? It WOULD give me a good idea of who's interested (I could also invite other guys I like)

I know it's been a real challenge for me to let go though. I always feel so insecure about myself, which is why I take rejection so personally. I end up telling myself it's my fault, that something is wrong with me! I'm very hard on myself, and I know it's a very bad and harmful mindset to keep. However, I'm working on improving my low self-esteem.

I have very few close friends which is why I'm trying to meet more people with my same interests. But I feel lonely most of the time. :/

Wow. I'm still a virgin but that doesn't bother me as much as never being kissed. Funny, huh? Most 18 year-olds I know don't really value themselves as generations before us used to. They'll have sex with almost anyone just so they won't have to say they're a virgin! Sad, but true. I know I'm a late bloomer but I hope the reason I haven't met the right guy is because of relationship failure. I've heard all about those depressing short-term flings people my age experience. They never really get to know the other person for themselves when all they go on is the physical attraction and then they regret not being wary and taking their time in getting to know them. I understand how important it is to relate to others and share certain interests. I guess I should be glad I've been spared that heartbreak!

But when I meet a guy that falls under that category of similar interests and ideas, and I also feel attracted to them, I can't help but want to make something work, like right now! ;o

posted April 19, 2011 09:20 PM            

One thing I notice about adult relationships is that so many people are looking for something Very Serious that they've become desperate, and they don't let things unfold naturally, with open-hearts, and it takes the fun out. It's partly because all sorts of wonderful people are still single at age 16...at 36, sometimes there's a bad reason when someone isn't in a real relationship.

An attitude of desperation---like it's such a HUGE DEAL whether HE, the man you're obsessing about and thinking about and asking strangers for advice about, instead of just getting to know HIM---usually nips things in the bud and keeps any kind of actual relationship from happening, and definitely snuffs out all the fun.

People get all heavy and obsessive and terrified of rejection when a) they are young and inexperienced (like you, Flappergirl) or b) they are fresh off of a big long relationship and they THINK they're ready for something new, but they're not (that was me!!!)....or c) they're highly damaged from abusive families and abusive relationships (sites like this attract a lot of those.) Almost none of the attractions people obsess about on this site ever lead anywhere...with the few that do, usually the person stops posting about it here, because they're busy off having a wonderful time and connecting with a real person.

I think when you're young it's a great idea to be open to a fling with someone. It keeps you from putting a vicegrip of agony on the whole experience to be open to that.

posted April 20, 2011 02:51 AM            

I am not afraid to admit I am genuinely desperate, even if it sounds bad. I do want something mature and serious. But at the same time I want things to unfold naturally with an open-heart and attitude. I know it's a contradiction but that's really the best of both worlds to me. However, I don't want to judge this man who's become my friend. I don't want to make assumptions about his private life on here. I really don't know if he has relationship issues or if he's a commitment-phobe. I know nothing because it's something he hasn't told me about yet. So I don't want to speculate on why he's not in a "real relationship" with anybody.

That being said, the only reason it's a HUGE DEAL is because being the imperfect human being I am, I want to KNOW for myself. I want to be in control and know the odds.
I do understand it's better if I just take it easy though, which is why I want to be his friend above all.

I'm sad to hear that though. I hope I am one of the rare few that succeeds. To have done all this in vain....is too depressing. Rest assured, I am open to the experience but I also want something meaningful in my life right now.

posted April 20, 2011 05:53 AM            

I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to send you a hug. You sound so conflicted and wound up, more so than at the start of this topic.

One thing is absolutely certain: there is no right way or wrong way. I don't think there is any cure for wavering. We all do it at times during our life, we want one thing but wonder about another, we think we want something but as we can't find it we start thinking we should maybe have something else instead. Maybe a question to ask yourself would be - "would it matter if the true love I really want takes me another 15 years to find?" And if it does, then how do you want to spend the interim period; having flings or waiting patiently? Neither is right or wrong, only you can know which would be better for you.

Lastly, I wonder if it would be possible to limit the hurt you would feel if a fling ended, if you knew it was just a fling all along? I don't know if it is possible to train your mind that way, but maybe?

Anyway, keep talking if it helps. You're not alone, and this will work itself out one way or another ((hug))

Rachel x