posted January 29, 2012 05:05 AM            

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Originally posted by PrettyPisces:
Ive known this boy for 10 years. Been the best of friends for 5 years. he asked me to be with him a couple years back but at the time he just got out of a relationship, and I didnt feel like it came from the heart. plus I just had left for college and I didnt know if the long distance thing was the best for the both of us.
he's direct with him being affectionate and caring and supportive but yet ambigious with his feelings towards me he has said things like:
"I need you a friend someone that truly understands me and cares, Im tired of playing games."
He asked me am I single I said YES! then he went into these huge details lol of how he was waiting for the special one to come around then Im gonna show her all my love and appreciation but until then Im gonna wake my turn every one gets a chance its just what you do with it . I WAS like WHOA! he's emotional which I love about him.
My confession is I actually love him, and I can see my life with him BUT he needs to prove himself and Im in college about to graduate. I need him to understand that school comes first, but I give reassurance that I care for him. things that bother me regarding him: He gets mad if I talk about parties, and college social life. He says he doesnt want me messing around with guys and getting myself caught out there. But hes a lil jealous. Whenever Im busy with school he feels neglected and disappears from me. I also feels he goes back to the basics...basic females that is!
He's been gone for weeks withn contact, just like its over and he always comes back, but I have to beat this cycle and let him go he's hurting me

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Honestly, he has no right to tell you who you can and cannot hang out with, and what you can and cannot do. That is VERY controlling, especially since, to my understanding, you're not even officially a couple!

Plus, he is VERY forceful about his feelings and a bit disrespectful. It feels like he thinks that you OWE him a relationship just because he likes you, and that really isn't fair or right. Maybe I am reading more into this than there is, but I just get that vibe.

I also say that it is good that school comes first for you. Guys may come and go, but a good quality education is forever and is useful not only because many jobs require (or at least want) a bachelor's (minimum), but also because a university/college education really teaches you how to think and opens your mind.

If he cannot understand and support your healthy and sound goals, and is telling you not to hang out with people while he himself is doing that, then frankly he doesn't respect you. He sounds very "machismo-minded": as in, the traditional "me man you woman" type.

I see this as an unhealthy type of Cancer.

I hope that whatever you decide is for the best.

Never compromise yourself for a man or let him take your individuality and freedom away from you, and never let him make your decisions. You are always you and are always your own self, and you belong always to yourself. Your life is yours to live as you choose and is yours to share--or not--with whom you choose.

posted January 29, 2012 11:45 PM            

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Originally posted by KarkaQueen:
Aw man. This reminds me of me(I'm a Cancer). I get angry when I see my friends talk to other people and have a close connection to them, I feel left out and neglected, so I end up being controlling.

I don't know if you should get rid of him or not. The way he acts, and I act, is very unhealthy and will case a bad relationship with him...

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I'm a cancer and I act like this, too. And I know a lot of other cancers who act like that, too. Then again, my leo best friend used to get jealous if I had other best friends. So i think it's just an indication that he really likes you

posted January 30, 2012 05:32 AM            

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Originally posted by RunAroundScreaming:
I'm a cancer and I act like this, too. And I know a lot of other cancers who act like that, too. Then again, my leo best friend used to get jealous if I had other best friends. So i think it's just an indication that he really likes you

There's no reason you should end it with him/. Have a serious heart to heart talk with him in person please

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It's one thing to be jealous, though, and it's another thing to be controlling. One thing to have the feeling, another to act on it in an unhealthy way.

Telling someone what they can and cannot do when it comes to having a life outside of the relationship and who they can and cannot be around is VERY controlling and unhealthy. Abusers do this in relationships and cut a person off socially to the point that they are completely isolated. It is not normal or good, and it makes it that much harder for the person to escape.

I have a Cancer moon myself.

I personally view this as a very disturbing situation, because I can easily see how this can lead to someone being abused. If he's the "if I can't have you, no one will" type, then that is VERY dangerous.

The other big red flag to me is that to my understanding they aren't in an official relationship! Even in an official relationship it would be unhealthy, but, (and OP, correct me if I am wrong), as I understand it, they are not boyfriend and girlfriend, even.

On the other hand, though, I do think that having a talk might be good, and it might be good to sit down and discuss things.

However, as I said, I see TONS of red flags here.

It's one thing to feel jealousy occasionally, but it's another to act on it and to be unhealthily obsessed with what a person does to the point that you try to control him or her.

I would say that it would be best to tread VERY, VERY carefully in this one and to not ignore any feeling that tells you something is wrong. In my life experience, whenever I have ignored that sick feeling in my stomach, that bad taste in my heart, I have deeply, deeply regretted it.

Love should never lead to a person giving up his or her social life--that is just unhealthy.

posted January 31, 2012 06:19 AM            

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Originally posted by PrettyPisces:
i hear you hun. I feel if I wanted to solve this I would , i actually thought about reaching out but the ball has been in his court, I get tired of getting hurt once in a while over someone that Im NOT in a relationship with. He knows where I am but yet he hasn't reached out. I guess now is the ? what do I do when and if he does contact me, Im tired of getting my feelings hurt whenever he feels insecure.

His ex broke up with him because he was stressing her out while she was away in school, he cried about it too

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It seems like this is a pattern with him, if he did the same thing to his ex.

To me, this suggests that he is simply insecure and controlling, and not that this is something new that his relationship with her started. The fact that he acted in a similar way with his ex shows me that this existed in him before she came along.

And again, you're not in a relationship with this person, and he is THIS insecure and controlling. How much worse would it get if he felt like you were actually "his" officially? He already seems to consider you to be his possession. Imagine how much worse it would get if you were his girlfriend, especially if you moved in together or got married down the line. You'd be trapped and suffocated and a prisoner, essentially.

If he's continually hurting you over and over, and makes no effort to change and shows no will or determination to make those changes stick, what will you get out of this association except misery and frustration?

I also think that you resolve your own problem when you say that you would have gotten in touch/contacted him if you had really wanted to do so. I can't help but agree, and I feel like this shows your true feelings about this guy.

If he is going to change for the better, this has to be something that he chooses consciously to work on, that he himself chooses to maintain. You can't change him. He can only change himself and maintain the changes.

Love and friendship are gifts to be earned, and to be shared with the deserving who prove themselves worthy of that deep trust and emotional intimacy (this coming from a Libra Sun/Scorpio Venus). You don't owe him those things, and with the way that he acts, he isn't proving that he would be a good steward of what you have to offer as a friend and as a potential girlfriend.

posted January 31, 2012 02:31 PM            

Im considering on a sucessful semester and looking forward to a great birthday (Pisces season) is coming up lol.

posted February 03, 2012 06:37 AM            

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Originally posted by PrettyPisces:
I want to thank you for that advance. I spoke to a family member a couple days ago and she informed me on the exact same thing. I always had a feel he was the obsessed type when in came to me. Their was lil sighs of it all along. I know you're right He needs help, and I can't help him. Maybe one day we can all get past this and maybe be friend if not more, I must admit periodically I've been said I've dealing with him for so long (a decade). But today is one of the better days and Im content and at peace with my discussion.

Im considering on a sucessful semester and looking forward to a great birthday (Pisces season) is coming up lol.

I think the only thing the lingers in the back on my mind right now is what do I do when he decides to come back do I ignore or gracefully respond by saying Hi, Im well, life is good and just leave it at that?

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I think that you are making a very wise choice by recognizing that you cannot help him and that he has to get help for himself, and that he has to decide to make his own changes.

I also think it's very commendable that you are focusing on school. Good for you! College/university education is so important, not just for getting jobs or teaching you skills, but for teaching how to think and it does open your world so much.

As for what to do when he comes back, if he does: I think that perhaps avoiding him would be better, in this case. If you are too nice or too polite, he may see that as a road in, and he may end up manipulating/trying to seduce you and to get you back under his control. Even if he seems like he has changed, I would say that this person seems very dangerous to me and that it would be better to not let him get too close or to give him a way back into your life and back into the driver's seat. However, that is just my personal opinion.

I really hope that you will have a wonderful birthday and that you'll experience a 'rebirth' of sorts as you move on from this relationship and towards peace and healthier connections.

posted March 15, 2012 03:45 AM            

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Originally posted by PrettyPisces:
So last night I get a text with a quote : how there can be NO friendship w/o confidence, and NO confidence w/0 integrity ! Meanwhile I googled this quote and he only used 25 percent of the quote : The quote orginially speaks on Marriage. Then he goes on to saying he's been trying to contact me : which is a lie, he's just trying to clear his name. Then he said I hope your silence was only an indicative of our understanding. At this point I want out he lies far too much and is too passive aggressive , idk what to say to him without him thinking I'm harsh ! I don't think were friends anymore, and he didn't even acknowledge anything in regards to my bday this weekend...I'm over it

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Honestly, I wouldn't say anything to him at all. I would block him. He is really sounding obsessed and stalker-ish. So many red flags there. I don't mean to scare you, but he honestly sounds like some of those really bad guys--as in, the kind that might harm a woman or really ruin her life by his obsession.