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Author Topic:   A bit confused
Koda1969
Knowflake

Posts: 25
From: Fairfax, VA, USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 01, 2012 12:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Koda1969     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
So I'm trying to decide what my "next steps" should be in my current relationship. After years of hideous blind dates and starting to feel like I'd just stay single forever, go figure, a Scorpio walked into my life out of nowhere (for the record, I'm a Libra October 21st, he's Scorpio October 23rd). We met online, and the connection was nearly instantaneous in that we realized we had so much in common, weren't into playing games, we were almost mirrors of one another right down to our quirks.
When we met, the feelings were just more intensified. We instantly liked each other and he asked me out for the very next day. We spent the whole day together. He calls and emails me daily, tells me he cares about me and is excited about where we are heading, I honestly have had no complaints or red flags since the moment I met him.
Then, on Friday something strange happened. He'd been gone all week on a business trip. During that time, he called me daily three or four times. We had plans for today, and he would talk about being anxious to see me (and I told him I was equally excited). At one point, he said that maybe we could see each other Saturday. Then Friday...he gets home from his trip and for some reason I just "sensed" something was off. Now, I should stress that I don't over analyze anything..I chalked it up to a bad flight, him being tired...I gave him his space, told him to rest, didn't push. He then slips in that he made plans with his friend (male) for Saturday. I found that a bit odd since he'd mentioned us getting together. Normally he would have said something like "I know we talked about getting together but I think I'm going to see so and so" (again, bear in mind, I give him his freedom...he doesn't HAVE to spend every moment with me).
Yesterday he called me complaining that he didn't feel well. He was coughing and had sinus issues. So I told him to get some rest, but that "nagging" feeling in me persisted, and this morning he called me and suggested that he may not be up to tonight. I was understanding, told him no worries, and left it at that.
But I can't help it. Part of me is wondering what is going on. I don't know whether to outright ask him if there is something on his mind, or just leave it, and chalk it up to a mood swing. I don't push him in any way shape or form, but if he is starting to question his feelings after coming on so strong, I'd rather get out now then have him break my heart (or me sitting here waiting in the wings). Two days after we met, he sent me flowers at work, and with all the calls and emails pouring his heart out, I'm really confused!

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 17177
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted April 01, 2012 01:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Welcome!

------------------
"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Scarlett
Newflake

Posts: 21
From:
Registered: Mar 2012

posted April 01, 2012 04:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Scarlett     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Koda,

Stick with your instincts, but use them for you, not him. Meaning, trust that there may be an issue for him, but the best thing for you to do is to step back and give him the space. It's tough, but you have a life, you already did. Go forward & live it.

If you need to send him a quick message by the most common method the 2 of you communicate saying that you look forward to seeing him whenever he feels well again, or something similarly brief but positive, do so and then get on with your life as if he were not in it. If you feel you've already given that clear message, then again, don't call or communicate with him to repeat it, just move forward with your life. Work, girlfriends, another date if possible & you're interested, family, etc.

Scorpios are intensely private and makes the struggle they have getting a grip on their feelings as a male all the more of a silent battle. All you have to do next is say "Yes" the next time he contacts you to ask you out, see you, etc..
His ACTIONS, not his words, are what you need to act on. If he wants to pursue you, he will, but you have to live your life and let him choose if he values you enough to join it. If he doesn't, then by definition he doesn't recognize it & isn't 'your soulmate', cause that guy won't miss a thing about how great you are.

Smile & Sit Back and Let Good Things Come To You!!!

Scarlett

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Koda1969
Knowflake

Posts: 25
From: Fairfax, VA, USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 01, 2012 04:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Koda1969     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks for the advice. Ironically, he just called me. I just don't get it. He apologized again about today and that he felt bad. I told him not to, that his health was more important. But he didn't say anything about seeing me again. It's just weird...and he said he would call me after dinner. I agree with your points, and that is what I intended to do (step back). Ultimately, I do not want to guilt or force someone into liking me. I guess where I'm confused is why the struggle for him? Is he re-thinking his initial intense feelings for me? One of the things he asked me in the beginning was to always be honest and that he wanted our relationship to be built on always telling each other what was on our mind and not keep the other guessing, and that is what he is doing to me. Is he testing me to see if I will ask him? (meaning do I care?)

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Scarlett
Newflake

Posts: 21
From:
Registered: Mar 2012

posted April 01, 2012 11:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Scarlett     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
How long has it been since that first meeting & the week of you spending so much time together? That's a good perspective to look at, how long it's been.

Men in general, regardless of sign (& I have learned this lesson succinctly recently) need time to think through the differences between what they feel & what they think. We women can do both at the same time.

Most all men, when encountering strong emotions, must take some time to sit back and think about them, decide how to proceed, or what steps to take, whether to come closer to you or how to step away if they start not to feel good around a woman.

I learned the most from the advice of this awesome guys website (www.evanmarckatz.com) which was recommended to me by another brilliant woman on here. Under 'Products', his ebook 'Why He Disappeared' is only $27 & is pretty much all the dating advice any woman ever needs. It's concise, excellent info that will make it easy for you to know whether this (or any) man showing interest in you in worth your time. Again, all you have to do to encourage the RIGHT man, is say 'Yes' to any of his suggestions. But men need to lead, and in the case of a Scorpio, who are usually very sensitive about being manly and 'hunting & winning' their woman, this advice is especially useful.

Keep strong & smile my girl.

Scarlett

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Scarlett
Newflake

Posts: 21
From:
Registered: Mar 2012

posted April 02, 2012 01:32 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Scarlett     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
A wonderful woman on here known as 'JuneThird' posted this for me to read. You may like it too!
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/The_Withdrawal_Syndrome_Why_Your_Man_Pulls_Away.html

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Lonake
Moderator

Posts: 6891
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Registered: Apr 2009

posted April 02, 2012 02:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lonake     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I do what that guy does. I get close then need a break & some space cos I start to feel like I'm getting sucked into some relationship vortex. There are other things going on in my life besides that one person. Usually the guy calls after a few days or I give him a call after a week or so, when I have my wits about me again. Doesn't always mean something's wrong.

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RegardesPlatero
Moderator

Posts: 2256
From: Storybrooke, Mr. Gold's Shop
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 02, 2012 04:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for RegardesPlatero     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm dealing with a Scorpio friend pulling away and frankly it drives me crazy when they go from hot to cold. I know something is up, but what it is and why it's so bad remains a mystery.

However, I'll be honest: I can be a bit hypocritical. I've done this too, when a relationship just seems pointless to me. I could see myself pulling away for a number of reasons. I guess it's something that people just do. Still crappy, though. I'm actually glad that you posted it because seeing it from the other side might be a good reminder to me to handle things a little better.


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Koda1969
Knowflake

Posts: 25
From: Fairfax, VA, USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 02, 2012 08:00 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Koda1969     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks, everyone, for the great advice. It was all good, and everything resonated with me.
I guess what is rather upsetting to me, is that because we DID hit it off so well, I guess this change is a bit surprising. I don't begrudge him wanting his space, and I told him from the get-go that sometimes I am that way too. It's nothing personal, but because I have no privacy (between work and the fact that my mother lives with me) sometimes I just need to get away. But, in my case, I tell him so. I say "It's not you, I just need a breather from this work project, etc." I let him KNOW that it isn't him. Likewise, he told me that he would always be honest with me. So, part of me is left wondering, is it NOT me, but if not, why isn't he just saying "I need space". I would never just dump him for needing his private time, and I've never once infringed on his life. It's a delicate balance becoming a part of someone's life, and I'm more than patient for when the time is right for him. I agree with each of us having our own lives, but to add to this whole thing, bear in mind that he calls me at least four times a day. So, if it's space he wants, why is he calling me then?
Nothing has happened (that I know of) Between our last date when we made plans for this past weekend, to now, and I look at all our conversations last week that were loving and exciting, so I'm at a loss. Since Friday, he doesn't say I miss you, he doesn't say I'm looking forward to seeing you. I already knew he had several more business trips planned in the upcoming weeks. Yesterday he told me on the phone that his friend who lives a few hours from one of his travel locations wants him to come down next Wednesday for them to play golf. Nowhere in those conversations did he even mention seeing me. So, I'm already thinking there is one weekend between now and when he leaves, and normally he pre-plans things...not once has he mentioned when I might see him.
Ultimately, I do know that I don't like things to fester (not a good trait I know) so I'd rather confront things head on, which can sometimes lead to pushing someone away. But, for me, I'd rather know and move on. So, part of me still wants to just say to him "wtf is going on?" even though there is another small part of me saying not to.

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Koda1969
Knowflake

Posts: 25
From: Fairfax, VA, USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 02, 2012 08:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Koda1969     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Scarlett:
A wonderful woman on here known as 'JuneThird' posted this for me to read. You may like it too!
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/The_Withdrawal_Syndrome_Why_Your_Man_Pulls_Away.html


Scarlett, that was a great article and made perfect sense. It confirms in a way my gut telling me to just let him be. But here's where it is confusing and maybe you can offer some insight. He hasn't withdrawn completely. It's not like he disappeared completely. He's calling me four or five times a day just to "check in" and let me know what he's doing. The frustrating part, is that it's more like talking to my brother than a lover, because I hold back from saying anything too "emotional".
So, is this continued contact his way to keep lines open while he figures things out? I'd almost rather he just disappear because trying to be nice on the phone is beginning to wear on me. He went from talking to me last week like a lover/girlfriend to this week me not even being sure WHAT to say!

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Koda1969
Knowflake

Posts: 25
From: Fairfax, VA, USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 02, 2012 09:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Koda1969     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, I unfortunately think my gut instinct is coming through more clearly this morning and I think (sadly) that I need to just speak up and let him go. He sent me an email this morning. Mundane bordering on lame. Says his back feels better, blah blah blah. He had mentioned yesterday that his neighbor had a tee time for golf and he was thinking of going, so he mentioned this morning that with the day shaping up to be nice, he thinks he is going to go.
It isn't that I don't understand the need for space, but I also have to question why HE gets to set the pace? He gets to come on hard and strong, then when he decides he needs space, it's ok to leave me in the lurch? I haven't once infringed upon him, but by my estimation this behavior really isn't fair. Not once has he even suggested the notion of seeing me.
Just to clarify about this weekend. He was on a business trip until Friday. He had concert tickets for Sunday and invited me to go. We made plans that Sunday I'd come out early and we'd drive to the area (an hour away) have dinner, etc. before the show. We both took the next day off (although I didn't presume we'd spend the night together, figured I'd wait to see how things went). So, when the plans fell through, yes, I was dissapointed but I told him I understood because of his health. So, here he is today saying he's going to play golf on his day off..doesn't even suggest that since I took the day off that maybe we could make up for not seeing each other? I wound up just going into work.
I guess I am realizing that in his actions, he is pulling away. If he liked me, he would make an effort, and he's making no effort. The emails are just polite to maybe assuage his own conscience, but I know in my gut, especially after this morning's email, that he does not want to invest the effort and at this early an age, that just isn't a good sign.

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Koda1969
Knowflake

Posts: 25
From: Fairfax, VA, USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 02, 2012 07:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Koda1969     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, figured I'd pass along an update. Today's emails from him throughout the day were the same old stuff, nothing of substance. So, finally tonight I just emailed and said that I felt he was keeping me at arms length, and that if there was something wrong, I'd like to know.
His response came a little while ago. He is just recently divorced for the third time. He claims that he thought he was ready to date again, but didn't expect to meet someone so special so soon. He claims that he feels he's a three-time loser and he was soul searching on why his relationships fail. Basically the usual "it's not you, it's me". I'm not going to let it get to me. Yes, I'm upset, I won't lie..but I guess ultimately better to learn this now than later when I've really made an emotional investment.

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Lonake
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From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted April 02, 2012 09:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lonake     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm glad you stood up for your needs, and it does sound like he needs some time. It's funny that he asked you to be honest huh.
I had this w.the last one, he tried to make demands on what constitutes 'flirting' and I was upfront, told him that I've never cheated on anyone, not even a kiss, and he had cheated on his ex wife, and other girlfriends. lol. I told him, 'you have no claim to what constitutes flirting, because i have self control and you have shown that you don't.' Yea, he didn't like it when I said that.
My motto now, be wary of what they demand from you in terms of how the interaction should proceed. Because it just might be giving something away about the way they conduct themselves. They just don't want the same treatment in return

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Koda1969
Knowflake

Posts: 25
From: Fairfax, VA, USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 03, 2012 01:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Koda1969     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Lonake:
I'm glad you stood up for your needs, and it does sound like he needs some time. It's funny that he asked you to be honest huh.
I had this w.the last one, he tried to make demands on what constitutes 'flirting' and I was upfront, told him that I've never cheated on anyone, not even a kiss, and he had cheated on his ex wife, and other girlfriends. lol. I told him, 'you have no claim to what constitutes flirting, because i have self control and you have shown that you don't.' Yea, he didn't like it when I said that.
My motto now, be wary of what they demand from you in terms of how the interaction should proceed. Because it just might be giving something away about the way they conduct themselves. They just don't want the same treatment in return

Yeah, the honesty thing was really ironic. All he had to do was tell me he needed a little space and time. But truthfully, I feel that is an excuse many use when they aren't "feeling it". I'm just disappointed because I don't get why some invest the time and effort then can just so easily vanish.
For me, it's just upsetting because I didn't see it coming. Trust me, he went from telling me on Thursday that he was taking me with him to Hawaii to the very NEXT day turning cold. For no reason.
I won't lie. I feel very disheartened. I know I did the right thing for standing up for myself, but I feel a sadness and in a way, I feel like maybe I need to let go of the notion of a relationship. Everything else in my life is good, so maybe love just isn't something meant for me, since it just seems to fall apart no matter what I do. Being told I'm "too good to be true" is just a lie I'm tired of hearing.
I'm 43, left an abusive alcoholic marriage in my mid 20's and straightened up my backbone and made a life for myself. The only family I have left is my mother, and truth is, I'd like to find love, but it just seems so elusive anymore that I'm to the point where my usual unwavering optimism has totally faded with this last guy.

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 17177
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted April 04, 2012 01:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

------------------
"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Doux Rêve
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Registered: Dec 2010

posted April 04, 2012 03:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Doux Rêve     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
(((Koda))) I'm sorry.

Stay strong girl!

You're not alone in this.

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Koda1969
Knowflake

Posts: 25
From: Fairfax, VA, USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 04, 2012 03:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Koda1969     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
(((Koda))) I'm sorry.

Stay strong girl!

You're not alone in this.


Thanks! I am actually doing really well. I stayed up that night with the usual emotional reaction, crying, etc. then for some reason I woke up the next morning and thought how silly of me. Why would I WANT someone who could be so disrespectful? After all, if he was a nice guy, he would have at least said (first) "hey, I think I need a little space" or tried talking to me. To just dump me was downright rude and I realized I was probably better off. I came into work today laughing and smiling and realizing, my life is GREAT so I do NOT need such negative people in it :-)

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Scarlett
Newflake

Posts: 21
From:
Registered: Mar 2012

posted April 05, 2012 03:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Scarlett     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hey there, I've been missing out on the scoop, sorry! We're the same age, you know. This is our best age, BTW!

I'm not sure why you said on your last post that you 'were dumped'? Did the last phone call with him really cut it off? What I read made it sound, from the 'soul searching' comment that he's just reluctant, which I might add, also isn't what you want for your soulmate.

Anyway, Yes, my girl, you must go on with your smile & happy life. Yes you DO TO deserve the best of happiness & love, and it IS out there, and NO you should never settle for less than what you deserve.

Yes this man swept you up in his passionate Scorpio intensity until whatever happened to make him back up (which most likely wasn't you), but either he has to bravely man-up and recognize that if he actually believes you are 'so special' (as you damn well are) like he said, then he'll get his brass balls off the couch & court you as a goddess deserves.

You have stated that you like/care about & are interested in him (without dripping love & commitment, yes? Which man must do first) ... so if he is not coming forward for that, then no amount of encouragement, compliments or sharing of emotions will make him do so, if fact, it creates the opposite in men. I wish I could say that him backing off shouldn't hurt, or that you shouldn't give it a second thought, but that's just not realistic. Real chemistry has a way of piercing right into the heart of us all, and women get swept in it when they have a healthy & open heart (as you should!). It seems the trick is learning how to revel in that great find while enjoying & encouraging it enough so the man is the one who wraps himself around the treasure he realizes he's just found in you.
Like that great dating coach says, your soulmate, by definition, is not a man who walks away from you.

It mirrors a favorite Marilyn Monroe quote of mine:
"When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you."

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