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Author Topic:   A bit of advice
LunaNight
Knowflake

Posts: 58
From: IL, USA
Registered: Sep 2012

posted January 31, 2013 01:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LunaNight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm sort of in a muddle right now.. It's been fluctuating since I've been pregnant; well, really since a few months prior, when I had a miscarriage.

My relationship has been struggling here and there. I'm trying not to stick myself to any particular moment, but when it keeps happening, it's really difficult for me to overlook/overcome.. without feeling doubtful about our love.

The biggest issues I can say I feel exist, are when we 'do' disagree on any particular subject, usually I am the one considered the instigater and problem. I try to open up about why I feel the way I do, or just that I feel a certain way and need him to be my support in this time.. because I feel alone otherwise, and instead of getting that support I am told I am holding onto negativity, or not letting go of problems and just being.

I understand I can just let go and pretend nothing occurred. I've done this, but like I said, when the same issues keep arising, obviously me just shrugging it off isn't the cure.. not in my eyes, anyway.

I need to feel I can come to him, even if it's negative feelings that I need advice on, or just someone to hear me out. I feel like he is my partner- he should be my best friend.

I am not always emotionaly stable, so I need a little more grounded strength from him, so I feel comfortable and good about myself.

Agh- another issue I have is that when I can't just let go of these little issues, and he wants me to take care of him (sexually), I am definitely not ready to just give him this satisfaction.. I need to feel in love before this can happen. Passion must be there, otherwise it is mere physicalities.. and I try to explain, and he gets mad at ME and pulls away.. Which, of course makes me not want to give it to him even more.. We keep hitting these road bumps, and I'm struggling.

Any advice??

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NativelyJoan
Knowflake

Posts: 1249
From: New England
Registered: Sep 2011

posted February 01, 2013 02:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for NativelyJoan     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm going to do my best to give you a thoughtful response, that I hope will help.

First off, no one, including your family, friends and especially not your significant other should intentionally make you feel as though what you're feeling or thinking is irrelevant or invalid. You're not happy with the current state of our relationship, and you've been through a lot. I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. As a partner, he needs to be sympathetic to that, and be supportive especially during these upcoming months. You're going to be experiencing many things, physically and emotionally and having consistent support and reassurance is going to be vital to your well being.

I'm not sure what your partner's thinking or feeling but he seems to be dealing with some issues himself. Encourage him to talk about them with you, so you can express yourself in a calm manner to him and you both can make steps towards working on your relationship and providing each other with what you need out of this relationship. Take time to assess this relationship realistically and honestly. You mentioned that your partner should feel like your best friend, and you need to feel like you can go to him for emotional support, however is there a foundation for that in your relationship? I ask only because sometimes we expect a lot from people who might not be capable of giving that much. I've learned this the hard way within many of my own relationships. What I've learned is to continually work on seeing people for who they are not who I'd like them to be. And if I still can't accept them for who they are (good and bad), then the problem isn't with them it's with me. In relationships, we set boundaries as far as we're willing to compromise ourselves. Meaning we can only expect so much from people, at some point we have to assess our own expectations and if we're putting too much as far as expectations go on the shoulders of others. I'm not at all implying this is a reflection of your current situation, I'm just trying my best to give my two cents through sharing what I've discovered through my own experiences. Moving forward I think you have to be realistic and honest with yourself in trying to understand the struggles you face in your relationship. No cop outs for either of you, and it looks like you're already doing that by sharing your story here. You've already begun the reexamination process. But you've got to be vocal about it with your partner, and don't let him make excuses, talk it out. There's a definite imbalance in your relationship and this must be where the struggles arise from. One of you (you Luna presumably) is giving too much and the other too little (your partner) in the relationship. From how you've described him, your partner seems a bit immature (at least emotionally), as though he needs to grow a bit more on a personal level. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as he puts attention towards nurturing those weaknesses.

As far as him wanting you to be more active sexually with him, that's a choice only you can make. If you aren't feeling the desire too, or feel conflicted about your emotions then don't do it. Relationships are meant to be about balance and compromise, he definitely seems to be the one taking more then giving in this situation. Bring this to his attention and find common ground for compromise so each of you can feel satisfied (which is difficult and can take years especially if the relationship was established on an imbalance between the roles you each play).

It's hard work, but if this is a relationship you both are truly invested in (be honest), then you'll be able to make it work. But do what's best for you.

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LunaNight
Knowflake

Posts: 58
From: IL, USA
Registered: Sep 2012

posted February 01, 2013 03:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LunaNight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you, Joan. I actually came across my own re-realization of what I need to do.. and that has been that, I have always felt we manifest our own realities.. and lately I have been subconsciously telling myself that he isn't right for me- even if small moments like you said, where I put much more expectations on him than maybe I should.

I really shouldn't expect more from him than I feel I can emotionally do myself.. and when I tell myself more and more how we are 'right' for eachother, it seems the issues we do have can be worked out regardless, or that they aren't real issues at all.

I'm feeling much better right now, though, and we seem happier in this moment.. so I'm really going to strive to hold onto these truths, because I know how forgetting them can be somewhat chaotic = ) Thank you, very much.. you were/are so genuine with me, and I needed upfront, sweetness. =) Thank you thank you

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NativelyJoan
Knowflake

Posts: 1249
From: New England
Registered: Sep 2011

posted February 01, 2013 09:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for NativelyJoan     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Of course! You're too kind, thank you. I think it's great that you're really taking time to figure out the issues in your relationship. Whether you decide to stay with him in the long run or not, you'll know that you took the time to address all the issues within your relationship before making a decision to either work it out or move on. I can completely empathize with your current situation. It's tough but you'll get through this, no matter what happens, and you'll both be fine.

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LunaNight
Knowflake

Posts: 58
From: IL, USA
Registered: Sep 2012

posted February 02, 2013 12:46 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LunaNight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Definitely... the biggest obstacle seems to be just 'remembering'.. remembering the good times we share, so the bad won't seem like they take over.

Rmembering we shared something initially that brought us together, and before letting go, try to rekindle that spark.

There's something, and I've, in my past, given up far too quickly to even see if there's hope.

Just have to try to have faith in all, good and bad, and see the bad for a chance to truly appreciate the good when it comes..

And it 'does' feel just oh so good when we can look eachother in the eyes again with understanding and warmth. The memories I want to hold onto- even if they aren't forever.

Thank you, again =) and best of luck to you.. Your advice helped me.. hopefully you do best to remember for yourself also

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