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Author Topic:   Oh Dear! Upset my Cancer Man - having to prove myself??
JanieP
Newflake

Posts: 2
From:
Registered: Feb 2013

posted February 06, 2013 12:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for JanieP     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hello, I hope this is the right place to post this - I am in Cancerian man purgatory and would be so grateful for some opinions on my situation, thank you.

Cancer man (gem/canc cusp) and I (taur/gem cusp) have been together around 3 years (1 1/2 yrs serious), we are in our 40s and both going through divorce. He is under immense stress in every area of life right now (messy divorce, work nightmares, moved home etc). He said a while ago I am his rock through all this. We are AMAZING together, but when we disagree (not often) - OH BOY!

We had a fight - our first huge one! (He started it from something small) and he threw so many things at me that he had been storing for a long time - I felt I was in the middle of an eruption! I tried to defend myself, but he sidestepped it all and turned it back around and it all ended with him saying I was an emotional rollercoaster and he didn't want one, so I left. Phoned back within 5 mins realising how immature this was, but he told me to go home. I was so knocked off balance, I did go, but wish now I had gone back.

We met next day and the row blew up even worse! He was so angry and left saying that he wanted to just focus on his kids and sorting life out. In hindsight he was right about a lot of stuff, but I wanted to prove him wrong end we ended up in point scoring mode.

I felt terrible that all this was at a time when he is so stressed, so I took a parcel of his favourite food and a lovely card apologising and left it for him. He texted thank you and I replied, but then because he had said he wanted to focus on his life, I assumed he wanted to go into his 'shell' for a while to sort things out, so I did not contact him for 9 days. I thought he would contact me when ready, but then got so worried about him that I phoned. He was really angry and said 'Where the hell have you been??' I explained but he said I had abandoned him. I felt even worse and that I had totally let him down!

We met a few nights later and I apologised (genuinely) for all the hurt and explained that I misunderstood what he meant and that I thought I was acting in his best interests. He said it did not add up with the lovely gesture of the card and refused to forgive me. He now wants a 'break' but told me that he needs me to reach out to him as he is in a really bad way (emotionally imploded he said) dealing with the life stress and has nothing more to give to a relationship until life sorted out. I gave him some of his fave chocs plus a fluorite heart as an amulet to carry around so he knows I am thinking of him. He softened with these and said that he could feel the love and hugs in the heart and that he would carry it as a 'little piece of me' with him every day.

I have texted every day since, just a little lighthearted one to let him know I am keeping contact, but expecting nothing. In a few days I would like to leave him a 'Happy Box' with lots of nice things in (food, photos, card etc) for him to look at when he feels down - is this a good move or not?? Just want him to know that I do really care about him, but don't want to push him further away - difficult to strike the contact balance.

I feel as though I am being put through a test and expected to prove my love - does this seem accurate?? I have read in places that once you hurt a Cancerian they will never forgive and will never want a close relationship with you again - is this correct? I do hope not - he is the most wonderful man and through all this I have learnt a lot about him, me, our relationship. When we are good together we are awesome! I want to be by his side loving and supporting him through all this, but I guess for now I should do it from afar??

Sorry for long post - woman with heartache, regret and unfortunately no time machine! Can I win him back? Should I leave him alone, or keep contact? Difficult to know as we are on a 'break' - what does that mean anyway?!? Feel like I am 18 again (and not in a good way!). Any more advice? Thank You

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 25216
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 06, 2013 12:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Welcome! Moving to Soul Unions.

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"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schultz

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FireMoon
Knowflake

Posts: 660
From: Minnesota
Registered: Mar 2012

posted February 06, 2013 06:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for FireMoon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ugh Cancers can be frustrating like that. Wish I could help but I also have a hard time figuring out how to maintain the balance between giving them enough space and reassurance at the same time, or just (magically) knowing what they want at the moment..

I'm kind of confused though as to how you hurt him? It seems like you guys had an argument, he said he wanted space, which you gave him, and then he was angry that he wasn't getting enough attention from you? Maybe he really does want you to "prove" how much you would do for the relationship, or maybe he is just overwhelmed and his getting mad was a passive aggressive way of extending the "space" he needs by blaming you but still wanting to keep you hooked and thinking about him so you'll be there when he's ready again.. Like wanting the best of both worlds without really giving much in return or letting you know where things stand

Sorry I could be way off and don't mean to imply he's a bad guy or anything, it's just that I'm having a somewhat similar experience with a Cancer lol and it's very confusing and frustrating.

Again I don't want to give any advice since I don't know the situation and wouldn't know what to advise anyway lol but I'm sure things will work out, best of luck

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Mystic Melody
Moderator

Posts: 430
From: IL
Registered: Dec 2010

posted February 06, 2013 11:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystic Melody     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I can't help... Cancer is square to my Libra Sun/Venus/Uranus and opposite my Cap moon and AC. It feels like my soul is being sucked out just READING about your Cancer's behavior. I can assure you that you HAVE GIVEN AND TRIED YOUR BEST. You have to ask yourself if you want to deal with this for the rest of your life. There will always be challenges and this will be at least CLOSE to the level of difficulty during all of those challenges. It does not just magically get better. Pluto in Capricorn might be opposite his Sun in Cancer right now, so this time might be worse than others, but his essential personality won't change completely.
The only thing I can think of from reading your words is to tell him that you don't expect anything from him but that you want to be there for him and be a friend during his tough time and you AREN'T going away. Don't think of him like a Man in the "Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus" sense. Think of him as the Woman. You know, like the old joke about if you ask a woman What's Wrong and she says "Nothing!" that means something is wrong and if she tells you to go, she really means she wants you to fight to stay by her side.

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JanieP
Newflake

Posts: 2
From:
Registered: Feb 2013

posted February 07, 2013 05:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for JanieP     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I agree with all you have both said. His problems are immense and I think he does love me, but can't put any energy into us right now. I also feel he is very insecure and wants to know I am there for him and I did totally the wrong thing leaving him alone (who knew!).

When he asked for a break and I said I thought it was a good idea for him, he seemed perturbed, guess I failed that test too!

Am keeping communication open and friendly, but it's awful being apart - I am soo worried about him and his life situation. Don't know if I should send a really honest letter telling him how I feel, or if I should let it alone. Will follow my instincts and then take cover just in case!

Thank you both for your support ) x

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happyaskings
Knowflake

Posts: 93
From: Dallas, TX, USA
Registered: Dec 2012

posted February 07, 2013 03:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for happyaskings     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Honestly it sounds like he's on a power trip here...be very careful when he's in a state like this.

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 25216
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 08, 2013 03:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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