posted December 04, 2013 06:54 PM            

me: 25 yrs old
sun: aqua
moon: cancer (this and saturn/cap rising seem to affect me much more than sun)
rising: capricorn
venus: pisces
mars: sagittarius

him: 28 yrs old
sun: cancer/gemini cusp (suits him to a T)
moon: pisces
rising: unknown
venus: cancer
mars: scorpio

The situation: We've been together for 3 years, I'm going through college to finish up, somewhat belatedly, and he's extremely supportive, pushed me to go back when I felt like just giving up. Historically I've had a lot of trouble with school, my family emphasized it pretty heavily, and I have a lot of anxiety around it. (Saturn in 12th feels like it has something to do with this) Long story short, it takes me extra time and sleepless nights to finish my projects for school, and I tend to be really hard on myself in order to get it done. This tends to drag me down into getting into a pretty depressed mood for a day or two after the project is over with, and I have to just wait that out until it goes away.

It's been a recurring problem between us that I get really negative from school stress and it rubs off on him (and vice versa, but that doesn't come up as often.) It was really difficult when we were long distance at the beginning, but it's gotten a lot better, I've been reigning it in by quite a bit and being more self-sufficient, rather than trying to get him to make everything better (I learned that lesson pretty quick.) While I'm in a post-homework funk, I can't pretend I'm happy or anything, but I can avoid talking about it and try to take my mind off it and do our normal stuff, watching shows together or browsing for funny blog posts, etc, and eventually the bad feelings fade off.

Until he picks up on them, anyway. Basically, if one of us has 2 bad days in a row, the entire week is pretty much gone, because the other one repeats the pattern. We both know we do this, but it keeps happening, like it did this week, and I'm a little irritated about it. I end up having to comfort him when I still feel shaky and a little depressed, just because he "caught" my bad feelings, despite my best efforts to be normal, and carried it forward. I know it's probably not that fair to be angry at him for it either, it's probably not something he can control, but it feels like I'm trying and he's not.

posted December 04, 2013 09:24 PM            

The downside, though, is what you are experiencing now.

There is no way you can change your nature, or your partners. You are both watery people, prone to melancholia, always depending on the other to fix your emotions. Dependence, though, only drags your partner into your well of sadness.

Here is my advice: know yourself. Take those emotions seriously, but find outlets that do not involve your partner. This seems counterintuitive, because you want to talk to him about it all, and it will make you FEEL better for a while. But then your partner will be swimming around in your mucky waters, empathizing with you!

It is exhausting. You need to deal with your melancholia on your own, otherwise when something TRULY bad happens, your partner will be too saturated with the sadness to help you in a real, tangible way.

Emotions are very real. But at the same time, they aren't real at all, and will pass.

posted December 14, 2013 01:15 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Turtledove:
So I'm having some issues with my relationship. Long-term, not looking to break up, just to make things run more smoothly. Both of us seem to over-empathize with each other, and when one of us gets depressed even for predictable reasons (we both are a little prone to it) it sometimes starts this really annoying feedback loop where we're both feeling terrible for basically no reason. What are some ways I can mitigate this?

me: 25 yrs old
sun: aqua
moon: cancer (this and saturn/cap rising seem to affect me much more than sun)
rising: capricorn
venus: pisces
mars: sagittarius

him: 28 yrs old
sun: cancer/gemini cusp (suits him to a T)
moon: pisces
rising: unknown
venus: cancer
mars: scorpio

The situation: We've been together for 3 years, I'm going through college to finish up, somewhat belatedly, and he's extremely supportive, pushed me to go back when I felt like just giving up. Historically I've had a lot of trouble with school, my family emphasized it pretty heavily, and I have a lot of anxiety around it. (Saturn in 12th feels like it has something to do with this) Long story short, it takes me extra time and sleepless nights to finish my projects for school, and I tend to be really hard on myself in order to get it done. This tends to drag me down into getting into a pretty depressed mood for a day or two after the project is over with, and I have to just wait that out until it goes away.

It's been a recurring problem between us that I get really negative from school stress and it rubs off on him (and vice versa, but that doesn't come up as often.) It was really difficult when we were long distance at the beginning, but it's gotten a lot better, I've been reigning it in by quite a bit and being more self-sufficient, rather than trying to get him to make everything better (I learned that lesson pretty quick.) While I'm in a post-homework funk, I can't pretend I'm happy or anything, but I can avoid talking about it and try to take my mind off it and do our normal stuff, watching shows together or browsing for funny blog posts, etc, and eventually the bad feelings fade off.

Until he picks up on them, anyway. Basically, if one of us has 2 bad days in a row, the entire week is pretty much gone, because the other one repeats the pattern. We both know we do this, but it keeps happening, like it did this week, and I'm a little irritated about it. I end up having to comfort him when I still feel shaky and a little depressed, just because he "caught" my bad feelings, despite my best efforts to be normal, and carried it forward. I know it's probably not that fair to be angry at him for it either, it's probably not something he can control, but it feels like I'm trying and he's not.

Any thoughts? Are there ways to control this, or prevent it? The only thing I can see at the moment is "don't be depressed" which isn't really a solution. #watersignproblems.

---

I think I can relate. Even though I have the Moon in an air sign.

I have Moon in Gemini and my best mate for many years has his in Libra.

We both have the Moon in 3rd house and so we behave like siblings and together, we tend to analyze things to death.

My advice; don't move in with each other too quickly. Learn each other's moods and see whether you can take each other when you are in at your "worst". If you do move in with each other, have separate friends and live your lives separately outside the home.

Be honest with each other and have a "moodometer" which lets the other know what your state of mind is.

never see each other when one is in a really bad mood or is ticked off with something. You may absorb each other's feelings.

Spend time alone(not with each other) but alone in your own space to listen and "familiarize" yourself with your moods.

Accept that the relationship will never always be "stable" or understood by others. There will always be seas of emotions involved. This is both a blessing and a challenge.

Love each other and know that you cannot "save" each other. It is neither yours nor his responsibility to ensure that you are "happy" and fulfilled. You need to do your own work first.

Be more about giving to each other than taking. It may be too easy for either one to fall into the "caregiver" role whilst the other is the care "receiver". This can build a lot of resentment.

I have to stress the "honesty" part again. It may be necessary for each of you to be "raw" with each other. This can be incredibly beneficial for true sexual and emotional intimacy.

This means that the harder that either try too hide your resentment or anger with each other, the more difficult it will be. This will feel very uncomfortable if you both of you don't want to be "naked" with each other.

Moon-Moon relationship often have a string potent mix. There is a strong emotional rapport here and it can feel very heavy-going for the two people involved.

posted December 16, 2013 06:01 AM            

No but, sometimes people struggle to pull themselves out of a bad place. Part of the problem is, it is no one elses' onus to make you feel better. Yeah they can help, but ultimately it's on you. If you get two people who are highly empathetic, and unable to help themselves, well it can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. Which I think is hilariously ironic. Because there is no better way to deal with stress, sadness and problems, than sharing them with someone.

Welcome to life.