Posts: 28
From:
Registered: Feb 2014

posted March 24, 2014 01:43 PM            

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Apparently I have a "surprise" proposal coming, so I hear through the grape vine. It really is a surprise since we have never seriously talked about marriage.
The thing is that, while I love him and could definitely see being married, especially since we already live together, we have only been together a year and a half and we still have some issues that need the kinks ironed out. I was beginning to think he was losing affection for me because he never really said much about his feelings. Last time I got that feeling he told me he loved me for the first time. That was another surprise.

I have to bring up the "what do you expect out of marriage conversation myself, ASAP. He will be gone for a month, so I have some time to think about it.

But... How do you know when you SHOULD say yes? I have been engaged once before and I felt very sure. I was very wrong. I started dating this guy because I have bad judgment with men and wanted to try someone I wouldn't ordinarily be drawn to. Things have been better than any other relationship so far. Maybe I should do it? I feel like if I was totally sure about it it would surely be a mistake, given my track record. I just feel nervous! I'm caught off guard and don't know what to do. Part of me says yes and the other part feels like I could be making yet another mistake... Advice?

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Posts: 374
From: Uranus
Registered: Dec 2010

posted March 24, 2014 02:28 PM            

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Talk to him about it.

Tell him everything you just told us.

I honestly think that is the wisest course of action.

Who cares if you blow the surprise, that's not what's most important here.

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Posts: 4009
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted March 24, 2014 09:52 PM            

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You could bring up the guy you were engaged to and then mention how it made you feel about marriage without actually saying you heard rumors. That would put the ball in his court and may save his pride. And if he ignores your feelings (thinking only his matter) then that would be a bad sign, IMO.

Personally, I'd wait a minimum of 2 years just to give the brain time to stop being wonky "in love." If love survives the neurochemical crash then it could be for life.

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Posts: 28
From:
Registered: Feb 2014

posted March 24, 2014 10:59 PM            

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Yes, I want to tell him all of that! Is it completely inappropriate to bring up serious matters through email? That's our only way of communication for the next month. I'm thinking I should just wait, but then again, I don't want him running home and buying a ring before we discuss anything...

I'd like to avoid bringing up my ex and our engagement. I think he might get kind of offended if I start making comparisons. I don't feel like we were ever in a "wonky in love" state. It was more of a gradual thing for me, which I liked. I do agree though, two years would be better. Another 6 months or a year and I might be ready. I just feel like it hard enough to get to know a person without rushing it.

I feel silly venting this stuff on the internet, but I have no one I can talk to about this. I'm completely alone right now, aside from my cat!

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Posts: 4009
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted March 24, 2014 11:31 PM            

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Can you talk to the one who told you? This might not even be credible, and if it is then passing it back through the grapevine might be helpful.

As for if it's appropriate to discuss over email, that depends on the man. Saying you heard a rumor and were concerned sounds okay to me, and probably would be to anyone I'd be willing to marry, but I'm used to people being irrational, overly emotional critters with fragile egos, and many people like that same trait in others, too. Plus, many people have a strong tendency to assume the WORST tone of voice over the internet. That is, you could be all friendly, reasonable, and helpful but his insecurities could make him perceive your words as being delivered in a sneering, judgmental condescension and possibly even cruel laugh at his expense (which he'd never do if he could see your face and hear your tone). Hopefully you know by now if he has this common problem or not.

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Posts: 28
From:
Registered: Feb 2014

posted March 24, 2014 11:42 PM            

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Thanks for the reply!

Well, the "grapevine" happens to be his mother. I don't really want to pass the message back along through her that I'm not sure when I'll be ready to marry her favorite son. I figured it would be better to go to the source in this case. Normally that would be great advice though. His parents are very excited, apparently...
I don't believe that he would be offended or anything. I just think he would be discouraged. It sounded like he was unsure of what my response would be and possibly a bit nervous... With good reason, considering I probably would have said, "oh, ummm... Can I think about it?" I'll try to bring something up over email when he is less busy with work.

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