posted May 26, 2014 05:22 AM            

I've never really struggled to find someone that loves me in relationships.I don't stop thinking of how desirable, beautiful and brilliant I am.So,I usually attract people that affirm this on every level.

My other friend,however,is in a differing situation when it comes to love relationships.

He often attracts people that treat him badly or use him in one way or another. And I wondered why that is?

That's until we discovered an old journal he had when he was a kid at his home .He left in a suitcase inside the garage and forgotten about.

In it, he read out to me a lot of terrible things that he used to say about himself and though he laughed at it, I couldn't help but feel that he still held the crux of those beliefs deep within him.

Soon thereafter I started to make a connection between his inner beliefs and the way that his relationships were playing out.And they were a match.

I advised him that it'll be worthwhile to stop dating and spend more time with himself; getting to know himself and loving what he sees. etc But, knowing him, he dismissed the whole idea as "psycho babble" and didn't take it seriously.

But still, even with his dismissal, I can't help but see the validity of this.

In your experience,do you find that the relationships around you(whether romantic or otherwise) mirror your own sense of self-worth?

posted May 26, 2014 10:46 AM            

It's funny cause I also have some writings from back when I was a teenager and I was basically at the same place I am now, except now I rarely exteriorize my inner feelings. They're just stuck inside.

Now, the question is, how do you go from a negative self-esteem to a positive one? The mere thought of having to work on this makes me feel tired and drained. *shakes head*

posted May 26, 2014 11:08 AM            

Start today-right here , right now and love yourself. Quite literally tell yourself that it is improbable and impossible for an intelligent being(whomever they may be) to have created you with "flaws".

Especially when, all around you, is perfection in symmetry,contrast and untapped beauty that is far too much to take in for one lifetime. Impossible.

Then live by that.Make it your ultimate/sole goal to live like that because it is true. Why? Because you say it is.

You may fall off the wagon and there may be days when it doesn't "feel" believable and that's alright. Let the feelings come in and when that sadness comes, try to move towards rage rather than depression.

In other words,when you say "why am I not as good-looking/fun as this girl?", steer towards anger rather than depression. Because there is a fine line between the two.

Anger empowers whilst depression sucks you dry of any energy.

So get mad and really angry when asking that question and add on to it "I should be as good-looking and more fun than any girl.I certainly deserve it. My very essence of being deserves it!"

And when you are angry and "pumped up" , there will be an inspired action to take. And from that action you'll come back to the place where you were; the place where your sole purpose was to live as the perfect being you are.

Your mind will get used to this until other people start saying it to you; because that is what you are projecting. Nothing else.

They'll start saying , "you are wonderful!", "how beautiful you are", "what a joy it is to be around you" etc.

posted May 26, 2014 12:25 PM            

I can't tell myself such things because I don't believe they are true (I want to say "they are not true" but well, it's even more depressing to say it that way).

Thank you for your answer, though; it's a good one, just that I'm not in the right place to really be receptive to it.

I may come back to it later, if ever I feel better about this whole thing.

posted May 26, 2014 05:47 PM            

quote:

---

Now, the question is, how do you go from a negative self-esteem to a positive one? The mere thought of having to work on this makes me feel tired and drained. *shakes head*
[/B]

---

"I think, therefore I am" is one of the worst beliefs that followed humankind into the 21st century. Eastern religions and spiritual practice had it right when they used their insight to investigate the actual functioning of the mind. Learn to put your mind in it's place and discover heaven on earth.

Someone calls you "smart and beautiful" and it makes you happy. Someone calls you "stupid and ugly" and it makes you sad. Nobody should have that much power over your own emotional state but in today's culture, we're never truly taught to objectively view and filter the things and impressions entering our thoughts. Mainstream media uses all the tricks of propaganda but if they used that term, it would be ostracized by everyone and viewed as bad.

Anyways, back to the question at hand. Take a single negative thought like "I'm not beautiful" and just look at it. Then watch all the associated thoughts, comparisons and experiences that you connect with it. All those things that jump on it and attach themselves to it are actually beliefs and experiences that you believe reinforce the thought and therefore prove the thought to be correct. In fact, those associations don't exist except for the fact that you believe them to. Go back to the thought and don't let those other thoughts come in. It's a form of meditation because you focus solely on the single statement to the exclusion of all other thoughts. Do it long enough when you can hold that single thought for a minute and keep working at it. Eventually the negative thought will start to lose power over you and your emotional state.

posted May 27, 2014 09:09 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doux Rêve:

I can't tell myself such things because I don't believe they are true (I want to say "they are not true" but well, it's even more depressing to say it that way).

---

You don't believe the world is full of beauty? You don't believe you're beautiful, Doux?

I saw you...your hands...your voice...you're a beauty inside and out!

Take off those glasses, Doux dear!

posted May 27, 2014 09:40 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aries23Degrees:
Anger empowers whilst depression sucks you dry of any energy.

So get mad and really angry when asking that question and add on to it "I should be as good-looking and more fun than any girl.I certainly deserve it. My very essence of being deserves it!"

And when you are angry and "pumped up" , there will be an inspired action to take. And from that action you'll come back to the place where you were; the place where your sole purpose was to live as the perfect being you are.

Your mind will get used to this until other people start saying it to you; because that is what you are projecting. Nothing else.

They'll start saying , "you are wonderful!", "how beautiful you are", "what a joy it is to be around you" etc.

---

I very respectfully disagree.

I am regularly angry. I suffer from low self esteem. People around me tell me I am wonderful and beautiful and great to be around; yet I am constantly apologizing for who I am.

In my experience, being angry or having people sincerely tell you how wonderful you are doesn't help the low self esteem.

Your post was very good though, and I do see where you're heading; it can work for many folks I'm sure.

posted May 27, 2014 09:44 AM            

A psychologist once told me that things like physical violence and substance abuse are two things that are difficult if not damn near impossible to remove from a relationship once they've entered. I wonder how many other things fall into this group. It's hard to change yourself when your partner doesn't change himself at the same time; and when he does try to change, I'm back to my old ways.

posted May 28, 2014 03:26 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by moonram:
I very respectfully disagree.

I am regularly angry. I suffer from low self esteem. People around me tell me I am wonderful and beautiful and great to be around; yet I am constantly apologizing for who I am.

In my experience, being angry or having people sincerely tell you how wonderful you are doesn't help the low self esteem.

Your post was very good though, and I do see where you're heading; it can work for many folks I'm sure.

I am slowly working through my self esteem issues. I've had Chiron transits hitting me for a few years. When one ends, it seems another picks up (transiting Chiron, natal Chiron, squares, conjunctions, oppositions...).

---

I think what I was trying to emphasize is moving away from a feeling of dis-empowerment to one that allows intense feeling and purpose.

Obviously the idea is not for one to stay in anger but for one to come to a conclusion that "something has got to give".That something must change.

Also, I think I may have been misunderstood when I said that people around you will start affirming how wonderful you are by saying ; "you are beautiful", "you are joy!" etc.

I think this came off sounding like it is the feedback of others that is crucial to increasing ones self esteem. This is not so.

I should have added that all of this comes from the inside. Work begins with the individual having an idea and latching on to that idea and increasing its vibrational strength in all the ares of one's life.

The idea that you are NOT perfect was borne from somewhere, it was not your own; perhaps religion, parents, a horrific childhood experience etc. But it is only just that, an idea. It CAN be undone. the path to undoing is really not as strenuous as one imagines it to be.

It feels "difficult" only when it is opposed with chronic thoughts of "not being enough".
It is far easier to feel good but so addictive to limit that feeling of "goodness" with thoughts of guilt,anxiety and the innate resistance of "it will not last".

posted May 28, 2014 03:51 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by moonram:
Do you think there's a way for a couple to change this dynamic in a relationship? I assume both my husband and I suffer from low self esteem in many areas in our life, particularly in our way of relating to and treating each other.

A psychologist once told me that things like physical violence and substance abuse are two things that are difficult if not damn near impossible to remove from a relationship once they've entered. I wonder how many other things fall into this group. It's hard to change yourself when your partner doesn't change himself at the same time; and when he does try to change, I'm back to my old ways.

I think it is very true that your partners are often a reflection of your own sense of self worth.

---

I like "experts" when they give affirming advice and one that build.

I am apt to ignore these same experts when they become fatalistic and do little to assist in seeing the box, that one imagines themselves trapped in, as just one of many in a series of confusing labyrinths unending.

You cannot "save" your husband, you can only save yourself.

We can only hope that, by seeing your example, he will also be inspired to change.That is all we can do: Hope.

You cannot save your marriage. You can only save yourself. Seeing the contract that you made with another as pivotal to the contract you have with yourself is self-defeating.

Is it possible for things to change for the better? Absolutely. The minute they came "off balance" you sensed it. Both of you "felt" , in your respective guts, that this is not the direction that you wanted the relationship to go.

So you both asked, at your respective time of acknowledging misalignment to your own respective desires for the relationship, that you get back on track.

Start by choosing to feel good. Choose to always feel good. Make your intention in life to always feel good.

posted May 28, 2014 04:28 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aries23Degrees:
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

I've never really struggled to find someone that loves me in relationships.I don't stop thinking of how desirable, beautiful and brilliant I am.So,I usually attract people that affirm this on every level.

My other friend,however,is in a differing situation when it comes to love relationships.

He often attracts people that treat him badly or use him in one way or another. And I wondered why that is?

That's until we discovered an old journal he had when he was a kid at his home .He left in a suitcase inside the garage and forgotten about.

In it, he read out to me a lot of terrible things that he used to say about himself and though he laughed at it, I couldn't help but feel that he still held the crux of those beliefs deep within him.

Soon thereafter I started to make a connection between his inner beliefs and the way that his relationships were playing out.And they were a match.

I advised him that it'll be worthwhile to stop dating and spend more time with himself; getting to know himself and loving what he sees. etc But, knowing him, he dismissed the whole idea as "psycho babble" and didn't take it seriously.

But still, even with his dismissal, I can't help but see the validity of this.

In your experience,do you find that the relationships around you(whether romantic or otherwise) mirror your own sense of self-worth?

---

Hi there,

Venus is the planet connected to self worth did you know? It's why it's very important to romance - ie, we feeeel good, and high on our self esteem when there are good synastry aspects to it. Feel never quite good enough when there are bad aspects.

What's the condition of his venus?

Do you really "don't stop thinking of how desirable, beautiful and brilliant I am.So,I usually attract people that affirm this on every level"??? Really?? What's your venus condition like??

posted May 28, 2014 10:27 AM            

I have only experienced unrequited love, never reciprocal love at all.

And I was thinking to myself about the personalities I "loved" and these were men who were stoic, solid, oozed competence, etc...easily reliable, but also with a sharp tongue and easy to catch attitudes sometimes.

Now, when I think about myself....I like to be calm, I'm sensitive and artistic, I like peace, I don't like arguing, etc.....

This explains why those people were unrequited....those guys had qualities I admired and wished I had, but those qualities did not match with my needs....

I realized that I need a lot of care and nurturing....not to be babied at all, but a lot of emotional support since I was very indepedent as a child and had to grow up very, very quickly. That kid was rejected, so then what do I do? Choose people that are consciously rejecting me!

Well, it took a look time, but at least I finally have the answer to all of this!

posted May 28, 2014 12:39 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by sassaqua:
Hi there,

Venus is the planet connected to self worth did you know? It's why it's very important to romance - ie, we feeeel good, and high on our self esteem when there are good synastry aspects to it. Feel never quite good enough when there are bad aspects.

What's the condition of his venus?

Do you really "don't stop thinking of how desirable, beautiful and brilliant I am.So,I usually attract people that affirm this on every level"??? Really?? What's your Venus condition like??

---

Yes, i am aware that Venus is the planet of self-worth. Far more important in a woman's chart than that of a man. A man's "worth" is measured by Mars.

The 2nd house is also critical in assessing what one values and what one thinks is of "worth".

I have Venus conjunct Saturn and the ruler of my 2nd house is Venus. Venus sits in my 7th house.

I also have Mars in Libra opposite the Asc and square the MC in Capricorn.

My friend has Venus in Aquarius widely squaring Pluto. Venus is in 2nd house (Sag Asc).

His Mars is in the 3rd house square Uranus in Scorpio. Mars opposes the MC.

And as far as "constantly thinking of myself" is concerned. Its really not as vain as it sounds.lol

It's like a "knowing" that I am attractive, beautiful, appreciated and desirable. Like how you "know" the answer to an exam sit in. Or that "knowing" when you meet someone and feel the person will be your lover from that day on.

But I don't go around wearing a vest and flaunting the "goods". That's not necessary. As much as it's not necessary for Bill Gates to buy everyone around the world a hamburger (just because he can).

posted May 28, 2014 12:49 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lotus_flower:
Was thinking about the situations I've attracted last night and came to a few conclusions that echo this thread...

I have only experienced unrequited love, never reciprocal love at all.

And I was thinking to myself about the personalities I "loved" and these were men who were stoic, solid, oozed competence, etc...easily reliable, but also with a sharp tongue and easy to catch attitudes sometimes.

Now, when I think about myself....I like to be calm, I'm sensitive and artistic, I like peace, I don't like arguing, etc.....

This explains why those people were unrequited....those guys had qualities I admired and wished I had, but those qualities did not match with my needs....

I realized that I need a lot of care and nurturing....not to be babied at all, but a lot of emotional support since I was very indepedent as a child and had to grow up very, very quickly. That kid was rejected, so then what do I do? Choose people that are consciously rejecting me!

Well, it took a look time, but at least I finally have the answer to all of this!

In the future, I will guard my heart more carefully and try to admire other traits in a potential mate that reflect my own....

---

It's natural to attract things that make us sure of what we want and what we do not want. So long as we continually focus on those things that we want than wallow in pity about those that we do not want.

Even with the beautiful mates I've attracted in my life, I've had to fine-tune what i want and hone in on that.

Now that you know what you do not want, make sure that you hone in on what you want.

When that stoic guy is very sexy to you, think of what you want. Does he fit that bill? If not, let him go. You'll need to do this a lot if the vibration that you have is that of someone who attracts people that are stoic because you interpret that is a sort of strength.

When you meet a guy who has the qualities that you want but feel no attraction. Let him go too. You may not be ready. Always work from the inside. Always go for your guidance.

Again, should you find yourself hopelessly drawn to a man that is "no good for you" and fighting him off your mind seems like a walk up a long rocky hill. Let it be.

The experience of this man will bring you closer to adjusting and fine tuning what you want from what you don't want. Listen to your guidance system.

Relationships can be a reflection of your best self or your most hurt self. You can choose to experience either the latter or the former through deliberate creation or default.

posted May 28, 2014 03:00 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by moonram:
Doux Rêve

---

Thanks, dear. <hug>

Just a sidenote...

My Venus is not afflicted, nor is the ruler of my 2nd house... and yet, I have problems with self-esteem. I think they're due to Saturn aspecting all my personal planets (including several squares and an opposition).

Or/and Chiron.

Anyway.

It's easier said than done.

posted May 29, 2014 09:41 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
It's funny cause I also have some writings from back when I was a teenager and I was basically at the same place I am now, except now I rarely exteriorize my inner feelings. They're just stuck inside.

Now, the question is, how do you go from a negative self-esteem to a positive one? The mere thought of having to work on this makes me feel tired and drained. *shakes head*

---

I remember reading somewhere that healing is "like a spiral", there are bad times and worse times, but just because you feel like you're "back at the beginning" sometimes doesn't mean you're not making any progress or moving upwards and further away from the original wound

But I know how frustrating it can be since I also know all about *attracting* negative people, things, situations, etc. because of certain inner-beliefs, and then even if it's "irrational" these external things re-affirm the low self esteem, so the problem can also be a vicious cycle that seems impossible to get out of...

But idk, even though it seems counter-intuitive, I think sometimes before we try to change our self esteem and those deep seated beliefs about ourselves, we have to change our actions and trust that the thought patterns will follow. Like just focus on the external and get rid of the negative circumstances or reach for things that are out of your comfort zone even if you don't feel enthusiastic or know exactly what you're doing...

Sorry if this sounds really preachy.. I'm just learning from my own experience it's best to "trust" in the process without putting too much pressure on yourself to change at a certain pace if that makes any sense lol

posted June 05, 2014 06:23 AM            

With each so called positive self affirmation, I reinforce the belief that at present I'm not good enough. And I AM FED UP of believing that. I just want to relax and be content with who I am, however imperfect that may seem to another. Everything that I AM NOW IS HOW IT SHOULD BE and I have no time or desire to hear otherwise. I don't want to be any better, more spiritual, more amazing, or a greater achiever. Sure, I do have a few goals to work for, such as getting fitter, and I can achieve that easily. It is really good that I have this goal.