posted September 04, 2014 07:58 PM            

It was lust. Or infatuation. whichever word you prefer.

A lot of it was me being in denial (Neptune in 7th) but there comes a moment when you need someone to do something for you, and it can be any dumb thing, or any huge thing, and if they won't go that extra mile (or text, or walk to the fridge, etc) then something in you breaks and the denial flood comes gushing out of all the cracks you puttied up with the cute little things they DID do for you here and there.. you know like the time he bought you a pack of your favorite gum, but he was going in the store any way... versus the time that you life was falling apart because your daughter had an accident (and she was OK) but you went out and went drinking, and needing him to pick you up but he wouldn't because HE TOLD YOU NOT TO GO IN THE FIRST PLACE AND "I'M NOT ABOUT TO USE THE GAS IT COST FOR THIS GIANT VAN TO COME GET YOUR SILLY A$$ WHEN YOU COULD OF JUST CAME OVER HER LIKE I TOLD YOU TO FROM THE START."

Yes, just ONE last one of those and SNAPPPP!

I read in the book White Oleander by Janet Fitch that the Vikings thought if you truly were brave you'd leave every thing you love behind. Because you don't really own it anyway. So, whilst channeling Jim Morrison I built a fire last Friday night and threw my phone in it. With all 84 love texts that were dear to my heart. This is the 3rd phone I've had knowing him but definitely the messages were most intense on this one bc we had moved in together at one point, then moved out, and wanted to move back.....

so full of longing and all that stuff....

Would he feel bad if he burned my messages?
NOPE. He erases them after he gets them.

Then on the Virgo New Moon I made a list of 13 things I'd like to cleanse from my life.

One of them was loving him.
It finally dawned on me that the Universe can't fill a place that'a already full. That's just not going to happen.
I know I will always LOVE him.
My Sun/Moon midpoint is his Sun, exactly.

This was one of the most important and karmic relationships of this lifetime, but now it feels like a wet rag and I've squooze all the juice out of it. Anything more at this point would feel like play acting.

posted September 07, 2014 03:04 PM            

Haven't "seen" you in a couple days. I hope you are ok.