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Author Topic:   Is this my Twin Flame?
worldofsong
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posted April 25, 2017 02:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for worldofsong     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Warning: Long story ahead.

I've been struggling for the last several months about a relationship that ended very suddenly and unfortunately. I suspect it was a Twin Flame relationship (instigated by a soul mate.) But I'm very new to the concept and am looking for some clarification.

We met on a camping trip initiated by our mutual friend (I suspect he's a soul mate, likely to both me and my suspected Twin Flame.) He was a long-time best friend with my TF, and he and I had met the year before and had pretty quickly become friends. I noticed him almost immediately during orientation week, and we ended up in the same section of a class together (out of about 40 sections) and had helped each other on projects over the next two semesters.

His best friend is the person I suspect is my Twin Flame. The first time we were in the same room together, I couldn't stop staring at him. I just kept thinking how strange it was that I definitely hadn't seen him around before - surely I'd have noticed the kid with purple hair around campus, right? I knew it was the first time that I had seen him, but it just felt like it SHOULDN'T have been the first time, if that makes any sense.

Over the course of the week, we ended up becoming very close, very quickly. We went from holding hands and kissing under the stars (he was wearing my sweater, which he hadn't known was mine when he put it on) one night, to sneaking off to a tent that was being used for storage the next night.

I've never dated anyone before him. I've had a few crushes, but usually they were already in relationships or just generally not interested in anything beyond friendship. Anyone who was interested in me was just... not interesting TO me. A Venn diagram consisting of two totally separate circles basically. I'd even tried online dating (it was miserable.) I just don't even find the idea of dating someone appealing - I hate the first-date small talk and everyone trying to be impressive to the point of lying about themselves, and I just never felt any connection or chemistry with anyone before.

That was totally different with him. Within that week, he was telling me stories about his childhood, and even though I didn't know the details, it somehow felt like I already knew the story. It felt like I had known him for years, even our entire lives. Like we had grown up together, over a thousand miles apart, even though we never met before.

It felt like we were totally in sync - he even pointed out how we were walking perfectly in sync together.

I just knew I could trust him, and I don't really know why. He texted me the day after we both went home ("We just had to live 1000 miles apart, didn't we?" he texted me) to ask about why we had gotten as close as we did, and all I could say was that I didn't know why, but that it had just felt right.

We stayed in a long-distance relationship over the summer. I even visited him for a week in his city. He even baked me a surprise cake for my arrival!

We would fall asleep together over Skype after talking for hours, and sometimes even woke up together and made breakfast and kept talking the next morning.

We could just stare into each others eyes for long periods of time. I tried to explain this to a friend - it was like we were having whole conversations without words, just by looking at each other. I always thought the "gazing into each others eyes" things was corny and awkward, but it just felt like we were on a whole different level.

His mutual friend mentioned a few days after the camping trip that his friend and I even spoke alike - I would phrase things exactly the way his best friend would. The sentiment was echoed by two of my close friends from high school when they found some of his youtube videos - "He speaks JUST like you!"

Then September came. He was finishing up his last year at his school. I had been forced to drop out of my school and move back in to my childhood home because of my emotionally and financially abusive father. My plan had been to finish my last semester in Los Angeles. He had been planning to move to LA with our mutual friend once he graduated. I thought things were going well, even though with his senior year coming around I knew we would have less time to Skype.

Then he broke up with me. It's a bit of a long and complicated story. I thought we were somewhat serious (not like, super serious, but we were in a several-month-long long-distance relationship, so I figured there was SOME level of commitment there) and he thought otherwise. When I pressed what he meant, he took a very long time to come up with "Friends With Benefits?" Which he later clarified he meant more "casually dating". He also said that he didn't see the point in continuing the relationship if we didn't have plans to be in the same place as one another any time soon... even though my plan before I had to drop out was to be in the same city as him.

Long story short, I had a meltdown. Like, a really bad meltdown. It turned out I had been struggling with a hormone imbalance because of an autoimmune disease (that I had actually been on medication for when he and I had met.) And it made me go off the rails in a way that was incredibly abnormal for me. This was compounded by dealing with a lot of psychological abuse as I was now forced to live with my father again.

He stopped responding to me. He didn't block me on any social media or my phone number or anything as far as I know. But he didn't respond to anything I had sent him, and pretty much ceased to acknowledge my existence. My behavior during that time definitely warranted it, honestly. I was pulling some very crazy, scary stuff.

But it's been 7 months now and I still can't shake the feeling that this was something way more than a typical relationship. I have never felt a connection like that with someone in my entire life, nothing even close. And I'm very sure I won't find something like that again.

I'm still good friends with our mutual friend. I'm actually visiting for his birthday in a few days. I had to work stuff out with him too, since my meltdown ended up involving him, but we're okay now. He knows the full story now, including my health issues and my family situation. He can relate, because of some similar health and family issues in his own life. He's been a huge help to me through this.

And he's of the opinion that his best friend was an "******* " about the whole thing, even going so far as to say that he thinks he's incapable of "real human emotions." He also mentioned that his friend had confessed that he felt like as soon as someone was insecure, he couldn't be attracted to them anymore. Which, we both agreed, seems like a projection thing, although I disagree on the "being able to feel real emotions" thing.

The problem is that I'm still really, really in love with him. And it hurts to think that I might never see him again, or that I won't be able to apologize for how I acted, or that if I do, he still may hate me and want nothing to do with me. And even worse to think that I feel like deep down I know I'll never be able to feel that way about anyone else. I still have an entire life ahead of me, and it sucks to think that I already screwed things up so badly that I might never be able to recover from this - either by being with him again, or being able to find another relationship that I feel that kind of connection in.

I just need to know whether this is actually a Twin Flame thing or just some unhealthy junk on my part. I feel like it's got to be something more, but it's really hard to tell when I'm in such a bad place. I went from the best time of my life to the absolute worst.

Does anyone have any insight? Is there anything I can do about this?

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Orange
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posted April 25, 2017 11:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Orange     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
What is your synastry like? Can you post the wheels?

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Randall
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posted April 25, 2017 04:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Welcome!

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Starry~*
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posted April 25, 2017 10:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Starry~*     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi worldofsong,

I read your story and I am touched by the way you described your experience. I wish you love and healing.

Astrology aside, I think you outlined a few things that might explain why you felt so connected with this person. The first thing that I believe is important is the fact that you acknowledged your psychological issues, more specifically the fact that you have to live with your father again. When we are all wounded, we sometimes have a tendency to search for others who share similar wounds and stories as us. Perhaps the reason why you felt like he felt familiar was because his childhood stories relates or reminded you of some of your childhood too. We, as humans, are constantly looking for connection. When we see or know someone who have been through similar situations as us, we can't help but connect with them. If it's their childhood hardships and dysfunction then we call that trauma bonding.

You mentioned that you have dated and it seems like you had a hard time trying to connect with people. I wonder if it's some how related to some of your psychological abuse, and if it relates to your father. Having a care giver neglect our needs as children or having one that puts their own needs before our own can definitely cause us to grow up with a few hiccups with intimacy.

Although I am hesitant in claiming anyone as twinflames or soulmates, I do believe that certain people come into our lives to teach us something. If he was truly a soulmate, I'd like to believe that he would come into your life to help you better yourself one way or another. Just because they are our TF/Soulmates does not mean happily ever after. I understand it's devastating to be disillusioned after so much time effort and energy put into someone. But please do not let this disappointment lead you to believe that you cannot open up to anyone going forward. In fact, I think it would be good for you to learn to open up to some people. Maybe you can find connections with others you never knew you could make before if you didn't take the chance.

As for the guy you like, I believe he also is struggling with some intimacy issues, especially if you claim that he drops people due to insecurity. Humans are programmed to be imperfect, so therefore, we all have insecurities. It's the way we deal with them that defines our character. Sometimes we run into the mistake of putting someone we like so far up in a pedestal that we forget they too are human, and therefore imperfect. To expect someone with no insecurities or hiccups is basically like living in a fantasy. Wouldn't you want to be with someone who accepts you the way you are than someone who leaves after disillusionment?

Behaviors and habits can change, if we really want to. But our way of thinking and the ******** stories we keep telling ourselves is the hardest to change. Which is why you should not think or feel like you will never find a connection like this again. Of course you can. I think the way you can do that is by first dealing with some of your issues you mentioned head on and learning more about real intimacy/how to keep a healthy relationship with yourself.

As for your question if this was a TF or "some unhealthy junk on your part" -- I think it's neither. Certainly not just on YOUR part since it takes 2 to tango. I think in order for you to heal and move on is to grieve first. Then you can start exploring some of your own psychological issues that is actually holding you back from forming healthy connections with people. Then take care of your own needs that's important to you as a person. And by then, you will be able to obtain and sustain a healthy relationship with others.

I wish you well!

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worldofsong
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posted April 26, 2017 12:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for worldofsong     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Orange:
What is your synastry like? Can you post the wheels?

I don't know his birth time, so I just set it to noon, so his houses aren't accurate, but everything else should be. He's P, I'm A.

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worldofsong
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posted April 26, 2017 01:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for worldofsong     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Starry~*:
Hi worldofsong,

I read your story and I am touched by the way you described your experience. I wish you love and healing.

Astrology aside, I think you outlined a few things that might explain why you felt so connected with this person. The first thing that I believe is important is the fact that you acknowledged your psychological issues, more specifically the fact that you have to live with your father again. When we are all wounded, we sometimes have a tendency to search for others who share similar wounds and stories as us. Perhaps the reason why you felt like he felt familiar was because his childhood stories relates or reminded you of some of your childhood too. We, as humans, are constantly looking for connection. When we see or know someone who have been through similar situations as us, we can't help but connect with them. If it's their childhood hardships and dysfunction then we call that trauma bonding.

You mentioned that you have dated and it seems like you had a hard time trying to connect with people. I wonder if it's some how related to some of your psychological abuse, and if it relates to your father. Having a care giver neglect our needs as children or having one that puts their own needs before our own can definitely cause us to grow up with a few hiccups with intimacy.

Although I am hesitant in claiming anyone as twinflames or soulmates, I do believe that certain people come into our lives to teach us something. If he was truly a soulmate, I'd like to believe that he would come into your life to help you better yourself one way or another. Just because they are our TF/Soulmates does not mean happily ever after. I understand it's devastating to be disillusioned after so much time effort and energy put into someone. But please do not let this disappointment lead you to believe that you cannot open up to anyone going forward. In fact, I think it would be good for you to learn to open up to some people. Maybe you can find connections with others you never knew you could make before if you didn't take the chance.

As for the guy you like, I believe he also is struggling with some intimacy issues, especially if you claim that he drops people due to insecurity. Humans are programmed to be imperfect, so therefore, we all have insecurities. It's the way we deal with them that defines our character. Sometimes we run into the mistake of putting someone we like so far up in a pedestal that we forget they too are human, and therefore imperfect. To expect someone with no insecurities or hiccups is basically like living in a fantasy. Wouldn't you want to be with someone who accepts you the way you are than someone who leaves after disillusionment?

Behaviors and habits can change, if we really want to. But our way of thinking and the ******** stories we keep telling ourselves is the hardest to change. Which is why you should not think or feel like you will never find a connection like this again. Of course you can. I think the way you can do that is by first dealing with some of your issues you mentioned head on and learning more about real intimacy/how to keep a healthy relationship with yourself.

As for your question if this was a TF or "some unhealthy junk on your part" -- I think it's neither. Certainly not just on YOUR part since it takes 2 to tango. I think in order for you to heal and move on is to grieve first. Then you can start exploring some of your own psychological issues that is actually holding you back from forming healthy connections with people. Then take care of your own needs that's important to you as a person. And by then, you will be able to obtain and sustain a healthy relationship with others.

I wish you well!


Thank you for your response, it was really thoughtful!

Without going into too much detail about the issues I have with my father, didn't affect too much of my childhood, since I was already a very cheerfully helpful child, and I was automatically under his control and dependent on him. This has only become an issue since I was an older teen, around a junior and senior in high school, and it has come to a head now that I'm in my 20s now.

It pretty much boils down to a pattern of him promising to help me in the ways that I need him to (nothing huge or out of the sphere of normal parenting), but only if I do X, Y, and Z first. Except something always "comes up" which prevents him from following through on his end, even though I put in huge amounts of effort to make accomplishing those things easier for him.

Most noticeable is the above mentioned financial aid. I was an exceptional student, was part of honor societies, got scholarships, and was even set to graduate a semester early. I even took off two years of school to just work in order to save up money (which he would take out of my account without my permission to use for himself.)

He consistently said he'd help me get the last chunk of money to go to the school I wanted... and somehow failed to complete the FAFSA (or various other financial aid documents) for four years in a row. It was all I needed him to do. The only thing. He continuously promises to help me achieve my goals, yet only sabotages them as a way to keep me living with him and dependent on him, while turning it around with a never-ending cycle of "next year we'll do it!"

I tried to be understanding of his own financial struggles and personal issues, so I put in the extra work. But it's just become clear in this past year that he's doing this on purpose. Four years in a row isn't an accident.

The rest is variations on that theme. It's not that I'm not an independent person, it's that all of my attempts at normal independence for my age are always sabotaged.

Currently, I'm trying to save up enough money to try to move away from him, and go to LA like my original plan was.

I don't think I'm closed off to people because of this, though. I'm really, really good at being friends with people. In fact, I think I might overwhelm people with my personality. I'm very outgoing and honest. I tend to be very straightforward about my thoughts and feelings, and I have earned a lot of friends that trust me enough to do the same in return. But I also know that scares a lot of people off and intimidates them. I put a lot of effort into my education, so it's hard to find someone who can keep up with me mentally (which sounds pretentious, I know, but I find people get a deer-in-the-headlights look when I start talking about things sometimes.) And it's hard to find anyone who is as ambitious as me. (Again, I know it sounds pretentious, but it just feels like a lot of these people have no interest in going anywhere new in their lives.)

I've gone on a handful of dates and it always just feels like it's a game I'm not interested in playing. Most guys are just hitting on me because they're interested in hooking up with no interest in me as a person, or they're looking to settle down in their boring suburban hometowns (I have no idea why they're approaching ME of all people if that's what they want, but okay...)

I can be friends with them, but I just feel nothing but platonic affection for them. Even among the best friends I have, I wouldn't want to date any of them, because I know a romantic relationship would just fall apart with them. And I just can't feel sexually attracted to someone if I can't see a future together.

I legitimately thought that people decided to get married because they ultimately just settled for whoever was around the longest. "Loving someone is a choice you make everyday" and whatnot, you know? Like, you found someone who was good enough (I guess) and chose to just stick it out from there.

I don't want to date just for the sake of being in a relationship. I never saw the point in "practice" relationships - like, why date someone if you are going into it knowing that you're going to break up with them when something better comes along?

It feels more like I'm trying to connect with people on a level that I don't think everyone is able to connect on. Whether they're not comfortable with it, or they just have never thought about it. But if they can't do that, then it feels like we're talking past each other instead of to one another. Like a cellphone call that you're only catching every third word of. It's frustrating and unfulfilling.

With this guy in particular, it felt like we absolutely connected on that level.

As for the trauma bonding, I don't think it even could have been that. His childhood wasn't like mine at all - he was bullied in school to the point that he had to change schools and repeat a grade. I was lucky enough to be friends with pretty much everyone, and at worst no one had anything bad to say about me. He has a nuclear family that he's pretty happy with, and I'm sure I mentioned my dead mom, but our families didn't come up too often. I don't think it was trauma bonding, since we don't seem to have much of that in common.

The best I can describe it is like... I had been watching him throughout his life, and meeting him and talking to him reminded me of things I had "seen". Not like a vision, and nothing detailed, but like a feeling of knowing - like the foggy shape of his life story got dislodged from the back of my brain. Like a book you read when you were a kid where all you can remember is the point of the story, but not any of the plot details or names or title.

I know it sounds kind of pretentious and it's hard to describe feelings and perceptions that are so abstract, but I hope you can understand what I'm talking about. I know I haven't phrased it in an especially concise way!

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Randall
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posted April 26, 2017 10:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That sucks about the FAFSA.

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Randall
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posted April 27, 2017 08:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Four years was a long time, too.

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worldofsong
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posted April 29, 2017 05:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for worldofsong     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yeah, the FAFSA thing was a mess. It makes me really anxious when people don't give me solid plans now because of that. It was a really forceful conditioning to expect that anything that didn't have a solid date attached to it wasn't going to get done at all.

On the bright side, I wouldn't have traded the one year I DID spend at college for anything. I'm actually visiting the mutual friend I mentioned now for his birthday. I love the heck out of him, and I wouldn't have been able to meet him if it weren't for my dad's meddling, honestly. Or the possible TF. Meeting them required so, so many pieces of all three of our lives to fall into such specific places, and I would much rather live a life where I got to meet both of them than a life where I didn't.

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Randall
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posted April 30, 2017 07:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Good way to look at it.

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Randall
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posted May 01, 2017 10:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
The difference a year makes.

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Randall
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posted May 02, 2017 12:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Are you going back?

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Randall
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posted May 03, 2017 12:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Back to college, I mean.

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worldofsong
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posted May 04, 2017 12:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for worldofsong     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No, I can't afford to on my own. My dad tanked my credit score, so I won't be able to get out loans on my own, and I can't apply for financial aid without his information (which he refuses to give me) for another year and a half. I'm just planning on moving to the other side of the country instead. There are way better opportunities for me there, even without a degree.

I don't really want to wait around living with my dad for another two years for the chance that I MIGHT be able to go back to school, when I could just move out sometime this year and start actually building my career now. I would't be happy staying, and it doesn't seem worth it to suffer through that with no guarantee that I'll even be able to get what I want out of it, you know?

Also, my visit to the mutual friend went really well. I treated him to drinks and a show for his birthday and we both got to spend time with another mutual friend who won't be in the country for the rest of the summer. It was really nice to be able to spend time with them.

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Randall
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posted May 04, 2017 01:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
After you are considered independent, you should go back.

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worldofsong
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posted May 05, 2017 02:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for worldofsong     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'd like to, but financially, that's probably a lot further into the future.

I really, really want to though. I'm really good at school, haha!

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Randall
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posted May 06, 2017 03:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You can get financial aid then without your father's information and despite your credit.

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ariesdragon
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posted October 04, 2017 04:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ariesdragon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
wow thatís such a significant synastry, nn conjunct nn
nn/sun, nn/vertex and other stuff beautiful!

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Randall
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posted October 05, 2017 10:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by ariesdragon:
wow thatís such a significant synastry, nn conjunct nn
nn/sun, nn/vertex and other stuff beautiful!

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Randall
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posted October 06, 2017 08:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
College opens lots of doors.

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Randall
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posted October 13, 2017 05:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
And it's a good experience.

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Mystic Melody
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posted October 16, 2017 09:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystic Melody     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Word of song,
Hi smart girl. Read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Super easy read. Read it as if every time he says "men" he is saying "masculine energy" and blend it with your astrological insight. Your deep Scorpio is not scared off from your intense emotional reactions (Venus in Scorpio) but did need to step back after all of the closeness (practically living together over Skype).

Also read Mars and Venus On A Date. It explains fears that come up when we move too fast. *thinking of lyrics from Glycerin "three... our old friend Fear and you and me."

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Randall
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posted October 17, 2017 10:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Mystic Melody:
Word of song,
Hi smart girl. Read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Super easy read. Read it as if every time he says "men" he is saying "masculine energy" and blend it with your astrological insight. Your deep Scorpio is not scared off from your intense emotional reactions (Venus in Scorpio) but did need to step back after all of the closeness (practically living together over Skype).

Also read Mars and Venus On A Date. It explains fears that come up when we move too fast. *thinking of lyrics from Glycerin "three... our old friend Fear and you and me."


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Randall
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posted October 18, 2017 11:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Great book, but does he know the astrological implications, or was it just a subconscious accident?

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Randall
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posted November 22, 2017 01:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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