posted September 02, 2019 06:35 PM            

My favorite part:

quote:

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“The foundation of our course is based on correcting a misconception: that to make a marriage work, you have to find the right person. The fact is, you have to be the right person,” Solomon declares. “Our message is countercultural: Our focus is on whether you are the right person. Given that we’re dealing with 19-, 20-, 21-year olds, we think the best thing to do at this stage in the game, rather than look for the right partner, is do the work they need to understand who they are, where they are, where they came from, so they can then invite in a compatible suitable partner.”

To that end, students keep a journal, interview friends about their own weaknesses, and discuss what triggers their own reactions and behaviors in order to understand their own issues, hot buttons, and values. “Being blind to these causes people to experience problems as due to someone else—not to themselves,” Solomon explains. “We all have triggers, blind spots, growing edges, vulnerabilities. The best thing we can do is be aware of them, take responsibility for them, and learn how to work with them effectively.”

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Though another article (one that would surely interest Randall) is that marriage might do more harm than good:
http://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/07/case-against-marriage/591973/

quote:

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In his majority opinion in Obergefell v. Hodges, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote, “Marriage responds to the universal fear that a lonely person might call out only to find no one there. It offers the hope of companionship and understanding and assurance that while both still live there will be someone to care for the other.” This notion—that marriage is the best answer to the deep human desire for connection and belonging—is incredibly seductive. When I think about getting married, I can feel its undertow. But research suggests that, whatever its benefits, marriage also comes with a cost.

As Chekhov put it, “If you’re afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.” He might have been on to something. In a review of two national surveys, the sociologists Natalia Sarkisian of Boston College and Naomi Gerstel of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst found that marriage actually weakens other social ties. Compared with those who stay single, married folks are less likely to visit or call parents and siblings—and less inclined to offer them emotional support or pragmatic help with things such as chores and transportation. They are also less likely to hang out with friends and neighbors.

Single people, by contrast, are far more connected to the social world around them. On average, they provide more care for their siblings and aging parents. They have more friends. They are more likely to offer help to neighbors and ask for it in return. This is especially true for those who have always been single, shattering the myth of the spinster cat lady entirely. Single women in particular are more politically engaged—attending rallies and fundraising for causes that are important to them—than married women. (These trends persist, but are weaker, for single people who were previously married. Cohabiting couples were underrepresented in the data and excluded from the study.)

Sarkisian and Gerstel wondered whether some of these effects could be explained by the demands of caring for small children. Maybe married parents just don’t have any extra time or energy to offer neighbors and friends. But once they examined the data further, they found that those who were married without children were the most isolated. The researchers suggest that one potential explanation for this is that these couples tend to have more time and money—and thus need less help from family and friends, and are then less likely to offer it in return. The autonomy of successful married life can leave spouses cut off from their communities. Having children may slightly soften the isolating effects of marriage, because parents often turn to others for help.

The sociologists found that, for the most part, these trends couldn’t be explained away by structural differences in the lives of married versus unmarried people. They hold true across racial groups and even when researchers control for age and socioeconomic status. So it isn’t the circumstances of married life that isolate—it’s marriage itself.

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posted September 27, 2019 12:55 PM            

The second part quoting the Atlantic article has its good point, especially that fear of loneliness is not a good basis for attempting to get married. Deal with the fear to become a more empowered person so you can deliver who you really are to the relationship. But the quotation rests too heavily on the notion that fear of loneliness is a widespread basis for marriage. People do want to commit to someone and to take the long road with them.

Balance is the key. If your mate is too demanding so that other social connections are compromised then things are out of balance. But I'm willing to bet the researchers at Boston College and UM Amherst did not handicap for how loose our modern social connections are to start with in modern life and how all urbanites function within a lake of wicked problems. It may be an impossible task.

However, the further examination of the data by Sarkisian and Gerstel highlights the false sense of independence rampant in our culture: if I have enough money I won't need to ask anyone for help. Why? Is that the real objective in life, to need no one's help. That is a perfect formula for loneliness and isolation that further dumps attention into one's 'one-and-only', which is a distorted notion of life mate. It is not healthy and doesn't allow you to live a balanced life if one person is expected to be such a heavy focus of it that they eclipse healthy connections to others.

Marriage -- or any partnership -- is an opportunity to add to our friendships, to double them.

But the researchers came to the wrong conclusion. It is not marriage that is to blame, but how we do it (expectations) and our culture's distorted notion of needing vs not needing, and the wicked problems of urban life that further complicate social support or isolation. The study would be complemented if comparisons were made to marriages in other cultures far removed from American or even western influence.

posted October 07, 2019 08:45 PM            

My core partner and I met when I was 21 and she 20. I had started my healing process by that time, but still had a ways to go before some semblance of serious and consistent balance, conscious awareness, and positivty was attained.

She hadn't really started her healing process yet. (Though, interestingly, after about a month after us moving in together, she had a vivid dream about seeing a black and red caterpillar that went into a cocoon stage, and came out a very beautiful, deep blue and purple butterfly. She knew it had a lot to do with her healing process, and though she might not like to admit it, I was very much a catalyst for this because my heart was much more open than hers at this time).

Though we are Twin Souls, the first 2 to 3 years were quite rough and extreme. Eventually we grew, together, to be better and less selfish partners for each other.

posted January 06, 2020 06:49 PM            

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For so long I was waiting to feel like myself with men who tried to change me that I became someone I didn't know or recognize. So, I vowed that 2019 would be a year of no relationships, and that included last-minute dates and casual coffee meetups. I was doing a dating purge.

I stopped talking about love and happiness as if the two were exclusively married to one another. This goes against the grain of what many of us are taught, because so often the moral of most any story is that love will bring us happiness. And maybe that's true, but in 2019, I wanted to focus on becoming instead of seeking happiness. Rather than fixate on being happy at dinner with a man who may have been inconsiderate in the days leading up to our date, I became better at finding new foods I enjoyed and letting go of fears like sitting alone or ordering for myself. When I no longer had to call or text someone to check in each day, I became a more responsive person to everyone else in my life. All of these small things began to add up, and I was quickly forced to become a better, more fulfilled version of myself.

The concept of "becoming" was really the basis for how I lived in 2019. I wanted to become a person who made more purposeful choices, because so many of the decisions I had made in relationships were born from necessity. From what I had time to eat in the morning to my financial situation, my relationships dictated so much. I made it a point to choose the small things to prove to myself that I could have a healthy control over my own life.

Doing a romantic detox helped me better understand what it was I actually needed. And for me, sex wasn't a part of the detox, and I don't regret it. My friends would jokingly make fun of me for having sex during the year and would tell me my cleanse was really just an excuse for a no-strings-attached type of situation. But without those "strings," I was able to understand my body more than I ever have. I didn't have the complications and emotional struggles that had come with my relationships before. I never once felt myself needing to be convinced or hyped up to have sex (neither of which are ever OK). I was able to focus on myself, what I wanted, and what I liked.

But my purge year wasn't all wonderful and revelatory. It was hard at times. Really hard. I watched To All the Boys I've Loved Before way too many times and cried about wanting my own Peter Kavinsky. During the Summer, I felt lost and had horrible impostor syndrome. I paid way too much money for a psychic in a tiny shop outside an outlet mall to tell me I had already met the man of my dreams and blew it. I checked my exes Instagrams. I staged Snapchat stories and subtweeted exes late at night, which is basically the modern equivalent of Gatsby throwing parties across the lake from Daisy's house. There were times when my lack of a relationship felt more consuming than being in a relationship.

But then, with the help of my therapist, a lot of podcasts, and alone time, I came to terms with the fact that I craved codependency - not for myself, but for my partner. I wanted someone else to need me and obsess over me. By separating myself from other people, I was able to accept what the foundation of many of my relationships were built on and begin to deconstruct those notions. When it's right, I shouldn't and won't go to those extremes.

As my year of no relationships is coming to an end, I can't confidently say I'm ready to find someone yet. I've worked really hard on myself, and I want to continue to grow for nobody else but me. I'm planning a big city move, thinking about getting a dog, and I saved for a solo trip to Scotland, because, why not? And if romance does come my way, I won't reject it. But I no longer feel the need to scramble into a partnership (and stay in one) just because they're there. I'm ready for something kind of epic, and I know now that I deserve it

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posted February 01, 2020 11:48 AM            

It was like coming off years of buying cars by getting duped by salesmen or just taking whatever was put in front of me because I was desperate and NEEDED a car and this was the one I could afford etc to finally doing the research on exactly what I wanted and having the patience to wait for the perfect car for me. Then making sure I was also his fit.

I love an old book by Gary Zukov called, "The Seat of the Soul". He talks about the difference between "marriage" and "spiritual partnership". How words take on an energy and meaning and "marriage" has so many negative attributes attached to it. That we should be looking for our spiritual partner and if we are ready, our spiritual partner for life. I loved that and that deeply colored by journey and perception.