posted July 16, 2011 12:27 AM            

Thanks so much

posted July 16, 2011 06:47 AM            

I think the majority of my negative feelings towards him spawn from the 'abrasiveness' he has on me.. for instance, he smokes weed.
I hate this, it makes him forgetful even more than normal, talk incessantly about random stuff, and voice every single thought that comes into his mind like "where did i put my hat.. i think this milk might be off... does this pen work?"

Then there are the monologues.. I just had to sit though one just then. I contribute so minimally, like "yeah".. "well maybe that's not a good idea".. "really".. and if i keep doing this, he will talk non stop, and i mean non stop. I'm usually on my computer doing something so I'm only half paying attention..

I'm being rude, I know, but he can't get the hint that he's being excessively intrusive and irrespective of my privacy, on top of being a jabbermouth on stuff that with any amount of thought, he would realise that I probably don't care.. For example, the ingredients in his salad he bought today.. the work he did outside with the machete.. SURE these things are normal to talk about, but when they are built up on top of each other day in day out, for years, what reasonable person couldn't find them annoying to talk about every hour of every day. There is an element of modesty and non-announcement of every doing that he severely lacks when talking to people.

He is a hermit of sorts, his best friends he see's rarely, but speaks to them on the phone all the time. He goes into town almost every day, but he has no true friends from there. I GET that I am suppose to be one of his best friends that he can talk to about things, but it's like he is so deprived of that in the other areas of his life that he makes up for it 100 fold by flooding me with it. I can't be the person to stop what I'm doing and have a conversation that could well last for hours about incredibly trivial stuff, and stuff that ONLY relates to himself and his doings.. barely ever will he ask something about me, and if he does it will be one question and then it will never have a follow up.

It's like he's an introvert when he leaves home, but as soon as he gets home he's the opposite and directs it at me.

This is only one of the areas of the relationship that are testing.. Another includes matters of cleanliness (he's a pig, and if I didn't clean up after him the house would be a pig-sty). I tell him to clean something of his and it won't get done, purely because he balks at taking orders. Almost everything turns into an argument or some sort of shift of blame. The way he talks to me is completely disrespectful. For instance, he wants me to make a fire.. "MAKE THE FIRE".. I bring home lots of fire-wood, "You should have brought more wood".. The fire I made is dying, and we've been putting wood on it throughout the day.. "IVAN YOU LET THE FIRE DIE".. why blame?? etc.. And all the good I do is not usually noticed, only the bad is noticed and amplified in a way where he tries to make himself look better by blaming me for my mistake or something.. that's just how i feel..

He lacks motivation or drive to do anything, this doesn't affect me so much, but it affects my feelings towards him.. I feel like he is constantly slipping down hill, work piles up for him, things are shelved, projects started and never finished, plans vocalized and never followed through.. Nothing I say can change this side of him, and I think it creates a bit of a lack of respect for him on my part. I think he expects me to be the partner for everything, i.e. he needs me to go outside and work on something with him, he needs me to be there to watch him fix something.. etc.. like just my presence is motivational or something.

I feel like if I wasn't here he would slip deeper into depression and waste away. I have deep sympathy for him and his loneliness, but I can't let that restrict my own life's path and I understand that, albeit with a little guilt. I want him to get up and make a new life for himself, but he is horribly stubborn and lazy.

Once I move out from here I believe that everything will be easier for me, but not for him. He has his own issues that need sorting out... Anyway, ending my rant..

posted July 16, 2011 11:23 PM            

From the table, I think I do have nessus conjunct mercury..? I am probably reading it wrong though lol.

posted July 18, 2011 06:12 AM            

I'll tell you what set my mood over the edge; I cleaned the whole kitchen last morning, when I got home it was a mess. The next day has dishes of his piling up already, ants crawling over the table, rubbish everywhere. Floor has dirt everywhere from his shoes which he never takes off when he comes inside.

Another thing; When I'm trying to get to sleep he plays loud bassy music which pulses through the whole house. The anger alone keeps me awake for an hour. I have told him to turn it off but he does the opposite of what I say all the time, balks at taking any request. In the mornings, no respect. He whistles, makes obscene high pitched noises that wake me up, bangs and bumps around, I can't sleep from 6:30 onwards a lot of the time. Resorted to buying ear plugs that don't muffle much.

Another thing; Whenever I get home from work, the talking starts. "I'm going to make some popcorn. It's so cheap and easy. blah blah blah. This gas stove is so handy. I bought so much corn. I could plant this and it will grow. But last time the rats ate it. We have rats in our air-conditioning. Oh we can't use that much by the way, it uses too much electricity. Oh and remember to take short showers. ETC ON AND ON. Nothing aimed at me, no inquiry, nothing constructive.

Another thing; He calls me at least once when I'm out asking me where I am and when I'll be home, (every time) and then some story about his work or something. Overbearing much!

Another thing; He leaves our cat outside sometimes and forgets he's done it, making me worry and worry and have to try and find her. We live on a property and it's dangerous for her to be out without supervision.

Another thing; When I need something of his, like his camera, flash-light, etc.. it's always a struggle to even find it because he loses everything under the piles and piles of mess he has everywhere.

I can't take living with this, it's depressing me. It's disrupting the balance inside me so much so, that I can't even talk to him. If I try to talk with him about any of it I'm sure he will turn it on me and say it's my attitude. I'm thinking one day I will just start packing my things and leave a huge note. I don't know. I can't talk to him.

posted July 18, 2011 07:07 AM            

you have Nessus conj Mercury as I said.I will explain more later on this.
You may have Nessus conj Mars.I will have to check degrees.

However,you have Merc,Nessus,Mars and the Sun in the 5th house.
Your father's 1st house overlays your 5th.

I think this is important. I need to meditate on it, though.

posted July 18, 2011 07:09 AM            

Have you always been fascinated with evil and dark things?