posted August 07, 2011 10:01 AM            

However,my love for myself is blocked somehow and somewhere.
It is fear of embracing myself. My mother hurt me when I had an identity or wanted to be someone separate from her.
I have a fear inside that is so bad about having a sense of self and boundaries.

My stomach hurts me most of the time from this.

posted August 07, 2011 11:15 PM            

Before covered, Venus as Dsc and h12 ruler inconj Asc.

You don't have Pisces so Neptune in Libra starts its own chain of dispositorship, Neptune in Libra - Venus in Gem - Merc in Gem (ends there since Mercury is in its domicile). Neptune is important here since Venus rules the 12th and is the dispositor of Neptune. In the chain of command here if Neptune is not working well then Venus and therefore Merc cannot get on a good track. Neptune in the 12th is in its natural house but it is magnified since it becomes so sensitive and so aware to everything the person has gone through and everything others are going through. This is something that could have called you out as the victim and scapegoat in the family, you were just too open and too sensitive and they chose to pin it on you. And your Venus gets the brunt of this from the direct dispositorship line.
Neptune has the generational sextile to Pluto which enhances interest in mysteries and gives a search for something more than the eye can see. It has the sextile to NN in Sadge giving you some insight on how to reach your philosophical/spiritual leanings, it's trine Merc and the Sun in 8th further enhancing intuition, but also further enhancing the sensitivity, the trine just makes it easy for the planets to interact, doesn't mean it is beneficial. Meaning you have your insights but you also have to deal with all the negs that come from being so open. Neptune is sq Jupiter, Jupiter exaggerates in a square and gives a bit too much, so never mind Nep's placement in the 12th and the trines to planets in the 8th now it's being blown wide open by Jupiter not in Capricorn or in Aquarius which are more detached signs but by a Jupiter in Leo in the 9th. Jupiter in the 9th in Leo gives interest and excitement and flair for dealing with H9 matters and is very generous and understanding of the plights of others no matter what superficial boundaries may lie between them, no matter what country or religion or age, etc. All the barriers that hold people apart into categories Jupiter in Leo in the 9th just sees beyond all of that, so what is coming across is someone very bighearted on the spiritual level. However there is the sq to Neptune, the flair and enthusiasm you have in the 9th ricochets off of all your sensitivities in the 12th, that part of you that was set apart from others at a young age is magnified to an extent to where the sensitivities makes the lights so bright that you can hardly see, the feelings so rich, the colors are so strong, it's amped up. It means that a lot is felt but there is a bit that is going over the top and impairing the good work that you could be doing on yourself and others because you can get distracted by all that you experience on a subjective level. Squares to Neptune point to deception and this can go either way, by having so much Jupiter Leo like belief in others that you give too much and do not meter it out, and that could cause you to feel as if others have been untrue. Maybe the Jupiter in Leo expects a certain amount of praise or loyalty but the sq to Neptune says doing so will only make you feel out of control.
And that's not even it, Neptune still has a sq to Uranus and a loose sq to Mars. Uranus said somewhere along the way ka-boom, and your h12 Neptune changed it's thinking for good. Now Neptune is off finding new ways of making connections, isn't comfy with the ol' lemme intuit leisurely from a distance, now it says you have to be off making new connections and you can't rest, you can't let it sit, you have to innovate and there's a fear there of 'or else' and that or else is that you will be sucked back into being in a shell alone in the 12th, being picked on for just being you, feeling as if everything is caving in through no fault of your own and that scares you badly. But where Uranus squares it also causes us to go a bit too far off in a certain direction, this is a generational aspect, but it's helped if we can say that by the sq to Jupiter.

Wasn't expecting to see so much Neptune but it is v.strong here. Had to go through it since it acts directly upon Venus.
So you can see, maybe it is a blessing for Venus to be minus major aspect. And a blessing for it to be in Gemini (Air, not Pisces) away from Neptune H12 sq Uranus/Jup confusion. It's in the 7th (nice and rational) so there is a feeling of Venus maybe being a puppet to all that Neptune undergoes? Do you feel like you're tied to strings from everything from the past and it all orchestrates your moves? Venus in the 7th, like Venus in Libra, is the dancer, she moves this way then that, you have to be very swift when changing dancing partners on that ballroom floor. Venus in Gem delights the other and expects the other to charm and ask, to never stop asking so that Venus never has to stop, she can dance out all of her energy that she carries away from Neptune and eventually if she does so enough then the strings will start to feel not so mired in her, and she can break away. Venus in the 7th, and esp in Gem, is like someone writing their own how-to dating book from scratch. They observe others, they keep in the back of their mind what worked and what didn't from past relationships and it's all there ready to be utilized for the right person at any moment. Venus here gives and feels sometimes that the partner is vain and just takes. Venus wants to be desired and loved but doesn't realize that too much emphasis on the superficial is not gonna give her what she wants, so she learns to compromise. She learns that surface chit chat is not enough to sustain, she has to be aware of what the other is going through just as she should be granted a partner that gives her the same amount of consideration. Maybe in love with love, which may cause her to be with someone who does not give her what she wants. You need someone who can tune into the Water element as you because you NEED someone to bond with romantically on that level. Venus is conditioned by Neptune and Neptune is in deep water, you need someone who can understand the insight you have (not someone too earthy who'll call you a crackpot) but also someone who is practical and can clue you in on when you might be too confused, etc. for your own good.

posted August 08, 2011 05:04 AM            

Yes,I feel so raw.I feel I don't have a place inside to rest.I am trying to get that"ground" inside.
I feel I can't touch my own ground like it goes on as a free fall.I feel like I cannot stop running until I fall exhausted.Is that the Neptune?
I want to feel my ground inside myself.
Can I? How would I from the chart
Thank you so very much

Yes,you are so right.In a man I want the the depth of water.I crave that.I want to go erotic places I have never gone.I think that he prolly needs Mars in Scorpio lol

posted August 10, 2011 03:43 AM            

My hardest thing is to love myself. Why is this? Does this show up?
---You have Saturn as a singleton (emphasized) planet in your chart, and not only that but it is also conj your Asc in the 1st. A lot of insecurity can stem from this placement. It is a singleton since it is the only planet that occupies the lower half of the chart. Saturn rules the house of day to day mentality your 3rd. Your mind in a sense is set on the deprivations (Capricorn) it went through from youth. H3 relates to how we were made to feel by the way others spoke to us when we were young, what we went through in school as a child, the values they tried to ingrain in us and then later as an adult it talks about our mental processes that spill over in our simple daily interactions with others, market, post office, errands, things like that. It's how we were mentally conditioned. Your H3 is empty and it has Cap on the cusp, so we look at Saturn which has double emphasis: 1)conj asc, 2)singleton by hemisphere.
So my answer to your Q is that your mind is fixed (Scorpio) on the negative msgs it received while you were young, you have taken this on on as your identity (Saturn Scorp on Asc) and are not sure how else to proceed. You are crystallized held frozen in time. There must be still a part of you that is desperate for your mother to accept and love you for just being you and to give you that space. The more you hold onto needing that the more you will stay stuck in this state. You have to know that any strong emotion tied to her from you also binds you to her. There are not easy ways around this but there is something in your chart that shows you as a strong individual in your own right very very obviously, and that is the same energy that you are projecting onto her. It is the Scorp Asc with chart ruler Pluto in Leo conj the MC, Pluto being sextile your Neptune (we went over this) and your Sun/Merc in the 8th. Being sextile to 8th house placements, esp the Sun, gives you a way to regenerate yourself by seeking self knowledge and then applying that to help others in difficult times as well as cementing deep bonds. Your life will always be tied to loss in some way (whose isn't right, but Pluto/H8/Scorp in your chart is so strong) but you have to see beyond the actual course of events and look to what it has brought to your life right now. You can instigate changes by setting yourself apart from your mother, what positive did you do that she didn't, if you have to make such crude comparisons go ahead, because your mind would do well to get set on a different track. Remember, frozen in time. You're not that little girl anymore but your mind has to catch up to where you are present-day. There is a disconnect between what you have done and what you think of yourself. A disconnect like that almost always leads to depressive episodes. The two have to stay congruent. You find it difficult to love yourself because you are still tied to her symbiotically [who you seem to say did not love you (?)], and there is a need to separate yourself, cut the cord.

It is fear of embracing myself. My mother hurt me when I had an identity or wanted to be someone separate from her.
---I believe this from looking at your chart. This is evident from Pluto (Asc ruler) conj the MC. This plays into a special chain since you don't have anything in Capricorn, so we start with Saturn in Scorpio - Pluto in Leo - Sun in Gemini - Mercury in Gemini.
Sometimes the mother figure is positive Pluto in the child's sight, strengthening them, and sometimes she is viewed as devouring and having complete control. If they break ties with the mother there is a fear that everything will be lost and there will be nothing left cos they are nothing without mother (this is the negative manifestation we're talking about here). You are afraid to love yourself because you don't want to be nothing (dead). Loving yourself means acting against mother which to a young child is synonymous with death (esp to a young child with so much Pluto). The child feels that if mother's love is lost then they will be lost as well. I hope you see that your mentality with regards to this matter is stuck as you were back then, as we talked above about Saturn, crystallized. I hope you use your Gemini to detach and see that you are not the same person.
As Saturn starts the chain that Pluto is in here and rules the 3rd, your thinking about matters has to have your full attn if you want a change. Remember the first link in the chain needs to work or else the others cannot properly function.

This is the thing in a nutshell.I feel I cannot have boundaries.
I will be HURT if I do.I will be humiliated if I do so I let myself flow open and raw and my stomach hurts lol
---This plays into what I wrote above, being still tied to her and what she allows in order to get her approval. I can see the pain that you feel from this in the chart. It is very raw and the feeling is like new.

Upheaval in your family life can also be seen by the Aquarius IC with its ruler Uranus being in Cancer (family) and then disposited finally by a Moon in Cancer (domicile).
So you can also see that your sensitive and impressionable Moon, who just wants to care and be cared for) is being dragged along by the crazy coattails of your Aquarius IC. Uranus in Cancer is a sort of overreactive placement, easily anxious if their needs aren't met and tending to be high strung. It squares the v.sensitive Neptune in the 12th, so I see here a pattern of on one hand encountering extreme loss (Pluto) and on the other being oversensitive and needing to be handled with kid gloves. You can research Moon/Uranus hard aspects and see if they resonate for you because you have a strong Aquarius/Uranus/Cancer/Moon signature in your chart. This is classic of the mother needing her own space or for whatever reason isn't around when the child needs them, and the child becomes despondent, and then when the mother attends to the child's needs the child just wants to run away. What happens is that the mother senses the child does not want too much affectionate attention because they seem rather detached, then leaves misunderstanding what the child needs and then she goes later to care and the child reacts and wants to get away, so neither really win here. This is another side to your story aside from the v.strong Pluto.

Ami, since your Sun is in the 8th and you have Saturn Scorp on the Asc, can you talk a bit about your experience of your father?

I can flip in to a totally rational "cool" space.It is like a cold spot where all feeling is gone like a cold vacummn.I can think with pure clarity like mountain air.I have no emotions--just pure reason and thought.
I have been afraid this part makes me some sort of a psycho lol
What IS this part?
---This is H3 ruler Saturn in Scorpio on the Asc. There's a secretive side here that wants to repress emotions, keep it under wraps, and survey the landscape.
Also it's somewhat mimicked by the Gemini Merc in the 8th. Taking a step back and analyzing what is and what isn't. I don't think it's psycho at least not for you, I think it's prob a blessing with all of your Neptune and Pluto happening to have that as a break.

I feel I can't touch my own ground like it goes on as a free fall.I feel like I cannot stop running until I fall exhausted.Is that the Neptune?
---The strong emotionality, the sometimes overly sensitive nature, Neptune h12 sq Uranus, Uranus being in Cancer. Also the sq to Jupiter.