posted May 27, 2016 01:20 PM            

Anyways, I am a huge believer in illnesses being psychosomatic. I have felt physical shifts in my body be aligned so precisely with mental shifts, that to me it is undeniable. I have been in a lengthy process of healing... During my healing sometimes I focus on physical by utilizing herbal medicines and exercise... sometimes I focus on the psychological through certain written exercises.

I have struggled with a variety of suppressed emotions. I have always been someone who has been very composed and controlled. My friends have never seen me "erupt" and even when I have good reason to show anger or fear, I have found it difficult. This has always made people view me as being a very strong person. I used to believe this also, however, recently, I have found that those emotions were not just not there.. but they were hidden deep inside my psyche and I was really just utterly afraid to express them...

So I have had this lingering lower back pain for years... I do yoga, try to stretch and pull it out... have thought it was my liver and treated it that way... been to a chiro... and no luck, it never goes away!

All of a sudden, yesterday, I think, "where is my kidney anyways? could this be my kidney?" I had never addressed my kidney, never done anything to help it heal... So I look up online and sure enough it is just where my right kidney is! I look up on a TCM website to see the emotion that is held in the kidney... and sure enough it is "fear"....

This stumped me at first, because I am rarely afraid. In my family, I have always had to be the strong one, the calm one, the one who is a pillar of strength in moments of chaos... I confused this suppression of fear with being actual strength.. but I realized, the fear still lives inside of me.... There are moments where my life was literally on the line, and I was internally filled with such fear.. but outwardly I could not utter a word, not ask for help.. Not even when my life depended on it.

Anyways, this has been a major breakthrough for me as this deep underlying suppressed energy has developed into a few different physical problems for me, which I believe are all related (lower back pain, dry skin, dry hair, acne).....I have done lots of work of releasing supressed anger, jealousy, pain, grief... and here I am at "fear" a very deeply suppressed feeling.

posted May 29, 2016 02:04 AM            

So I knew that the most recent memory of the deep-seated fear was related to a time where I almost died.

I was 19 years old and I had been kicked out of my house because my dad caught me with a boy over (my friend who just died).

I was living around with different guys. They all gave me drugs and I took them willingly because I have asthma and allergies and also was insecure, but physically I just felt so awful not having my own space.. At the time I felt like it was the only way for me to feel comfortable without being allowed at my home. Plus it was free and available.

Now, one day, this 40 year old man who used to give my friends and I drugs (from age 16) took me over to his girlfriends house. I asked him to smoke some meth because I was tired and I wanted to wakeup. He told me he didn't have a meth pipe, which confused me. He then went on to tell me that meth was safer if you injected it because you only needed such a small amount. I think I was just desperate to have some way to consume it, so I let him shoot me up with it. This began about a 2 month period where I let men inject me with both meth and heroin.

Now, I began to stay in this girl's garage. This older heroin junkie was staying there too and he had a crush on me so he would always give me free drugs. One day, he was preparing a needle for me because I didn't know how or really want to do it myself. He put about 3x the amount that I had ever used in there. I told him that I could never do so much and he was like "oh sure, I will only put 1/3 of that in you and stop." and I trusted him...

but he didn't only do 1/3, he did the whole thing. My body started to feel how I never felt it before and I was so scared that I was going to die... I ran outside and stood there debating whether to call 911 and I didn't do it... I didn't want to... I ended up being okay, But I can't tell you the feeling of really thinking you aren't gonna make it and not fighting for yourself, not saying "I NEED HELP!"

Tonight I had another memory of the same type of feeling. I was 7 years old and had been having an asthma attack... I laid in bed unable to breathe, because I didn't want to wake up my parents.... Finally, they came to check on me and saw I was so bad that they decided to take me to the ER. In the car I was coming in and out of consciousness, I thought I was going to die... but I didn't want to tell them. I don't know why.. I didn't say anything.