posted November 26, 2016 10:29 PM            

I am finally facing things I've been avoiding. I feel like I've been in denial for a long time. I always ignored bad things. I denied them. Deep down inside they still made me feel horrible. My thoughts tried their best changing, emotions can't be changed.

And that's both good and bad. Emotions makes me a human. Sometimes they're too horrible to feel. They give a feeling of your heart sinking. Face turns white like a ghost. Stress is so bad, fears are so strong, they chase you in your dreams. You feel like it's never going to be possible to be happy after what you realized. What you found out.

Saturn's in my first house. I am a burden

Moon is in my 7th house. I care about others' opinions too much.

Pisces ascendant. I am too sensitive. Vulnerable victim.

But there's no Prince Charming. If there was I wouldn't mind being the sensitive Pisces that I am.

Virgo sun with mercury in Virgo in 6th house. So much worry. So much anxiety. So many thoughts. OCD.

I can't make jokes since 2 1/2 days. The seriousness is too grave. I can't feel happy. I can't. I'm so scared. I'm so scared.

I hope this feeling is not permanent. I hope something happens to prove me that I am a soul. That I'm not that bad. That I matter. I realized how unwanted I felt. I always denied it. Because it was too much. Today it's all surfacing. God help me. Please help me. I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna die like this. I don't want to die like this. I still want to prove myself. Because I don't want to die misunderstood.

There's only one reason you can feel bad by others. It's when you're misunderstood by them.

I swear I am not exaggerating. Can someone relate?

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Update: Basically, I am complaining about something that I complained about 7 years ago for the first time. It's been 7 years. And I still have the same complain.

It's when my depression started. It's when I started dangerous attention seeking behaviour.

At 12 I said while crying that no one loves me.

I was being so honest and straightforward. I was so naive.

They said it's not true. They said of course they love me. After some time that's when I stopped believing in words anymore.

I loved and trusted everything and everyone so much. I was so innocent.

posted November 26, 2016 11:29 PM            

you are loveable fully

i personally dont think there's anything wrong for me. i do believe age of aquarius started beginning in 2009. just a little bit then got stronger.

so the reason i dont do anything anymore is because everything became more still and fixed.

i noticed trends on social media, everyone making funny art, its constant, its non-stop, and compared to an old episode of real life tv or an old picture from 50 years ago, the energy has completely changed.

litterally everyone on social media has been making memes (funny pics with words) explaining they just love food. explaining they are lazy and dont want to do anything.

so for me to be like that too. and for everything to be more still. i think its just the age of aquarius/leo coming in.

i think there's nothing wrong with me. i have to feel with my heart, and know that everything is ok.

posted November 27, 2016 12:04 AM            

like federal el savador that died today.

to many an enemey. to many a friend. just a different person.