posted July 17, 2023 05:15 PM            

My natal moon (29degrees cancer) was conjunct the new moon today in my 3rd house.

I will delete this probably within a day bc I always regret posting, but I felt compelled to write.

I initially wrote a whole diary entry here but have learned nobody responds to that so basically I am 36 and never lived my life except to serve toxic family. I am invisible. But I know if I don’t change circumstances I can’t be around much longer- my soul aches.

I want to learn how to drive so I can move to LA (maybe silverlake? Why? I have no idea) and just start over. I was told by a psychic about 13 years ago I would end up in LA and I said no way but I have this drive to go there for whatever reason. I don’t know anyone, I know it will be hard, etc. but I am in my hometown and for the past 11 years have only been manipulated by family and isolated from creating a life either by them or people from here who don’t like me. I walk around this town like a phantom.

I am ready for a life- not just an existance.

If anyone has any advice I am seeking it.

I know it sounds impulsive but it isn’t- I have been trapped all my life and don’t even know what I want except for friends, peace and hope. I am unemployed but plan on getting a job here to save for la and maybe meet people.

I feel guilt for leaving my mom but I have dedicated my entire adult life to being there for her and she couldn’t even tell you what my favorite color is- it is like I have been holding hands with a ghost.And I can’t anymore becasue I am worthy of love.

I need conversation, love, family(in friends is friends), community. I think I can only get this from moving as I have tried here and I get pulled down every time.

posted July 17, 2023 11:46 PM            

You're already thinking of ways to improve your life. I've been around people like you have around you now for over 10 years, but didn't realize it until around 10 years ago. Realizing that these people don't have a real connection with you is the first step away from the past and their control issues. Those people around you that you think don't like you may have been manipulated by the other control people in your life. It's all meant to control you as they will feel weak and can't take your energy away without doing that--isolating, etc...look up narcissists and flying monkeys related to narcissists online and you'll see possibly what you have around you..there is at least one support groups online and they have good info on how to deal with those people and/or relationships.

Here's an interesting link on how to deal with them:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2018/01/11-mandatory-rules-for-dealing-with-a-narcissist

I never knew that there was a name for these people until this past year.

Save your energy. No need to pull any cards. It's better for you to build up your energy one step at a time.

Hope this helps you. Sending big hugs!!!!!