posted July 30, 2010 01:43 PM            

Feel the Fear and do it anyway

Susan Jeffers Ph.D.
24th Anv. Ed. 2007

Chapter 1

What Are You Afraid Of…And Why?

I am about to teach another fear class. The classroom is empty. I am waiting for my new group of students to appear. My nervousness about teaching these classes disappeared a long time ago. Not only have I taught it many times, but I also know my students before I meet them. They are like the rest of us: all trying to do the best they can and all uncertain about whether they’re good enough. It never varies.

As the students enter the room, I can feel the tension. They sit as far apart from one another as possible, until the seats between must be filled because of lack of space. They don’t talk to one another, but sit nervously, expectantly. I love them for their courage to admit that their lives are not working the way they want them to work. And their presence in the class signifies that they are ready to do something about it.

I begin by going around the room asking each student to tell the rest of us what he or she is having difficulty confronting in life. Their stories unfold:

Don wants to change his career of fourteen years and follow his dream of becoming an artist.

Mary Alice is an actress who wants to discover why she finds all kinds of excuses for not attending auditions.

Sarah wants to leave a marriage of fifteen years.

Teddy wants to get over his fear of aging. He is all of thirty-two.

Jean is a senior citizen who wants to confront her doctor; he treats her like a child and never gives her any straight answers.

Patti wants to expand her business, but can’t make the required leap to the next step.

Rebecca wants to confront her husband with things that have been bothering her.

Kevin wants to get over a fear of rejection that makes it very difficult to ask a woman for a date.

Laurie wants to know why she is unhappy when she has everything one could possibly want in life.

Richard is retired and feels useless. He fears his life is over.

And so it goes until everyone’s story is heard.
I’m fascinated with what happens during the go-around. As each person share from the heart, the entire atmosphere begins to change. The tension quickly fades and relief is expressed on everyone’s face.

First, my students begin to realize that they are not the only ones in the world feeling afraid. Second, they begin to see how attractive people become as they open up and share their feelings. Long before the last person has spoken, a feeling of warmth and camaraderie pervades the room. They are strangers no more.

Although the backgrounds and situations of the class members vary greatly, it does not take long for the surface layers of their particular stories to disappear, opening the way for everyone to touch on a very human level. The common denominator is the fact that fear is keeping all of them from experiencing life the way they want to experience it.

The scenario above repeats itself I each fear class I teach. At this point you might be wondering how one course can accommodate all the diverse fears reported by the class members-their needs seem to be so varied. It’s true. They do seem varied until we dig a little deeper and look at the underlying cause of all their fears-and everyone else’s.

Fear can be broken down into three levels. The first level is the surface story, such as the ones described above. This level of fear can be divided into two types: those that “happen” and those that require action. Here is a partial list of Level 1 fears divided into these types:

Level 1 Fears

Those that “Happen”

Aging

Becoming disabled

Retirement

Being alone

Children leaving home

Natural disasters

Loss of financial security

Change

Dying

War

Illness

Losing a loved one

Accidents

Rape

Those Requiring Action

Going back to school

Making decisions

Changing a career

Making friends

Ending or beginning a relationship

Going to a doctor

Asserting oneself

Losing weight

Being interviewed

Driving

Public speaking

Making a mistake

Intimacy

You might have a few you can add to the list. As I hinted earlier, you wouldn’t be alone if you said to yourself, “Some of the above” or even “All of the above.” There is a reason for this. One of the insidious qualities of fear is that it tends to permeate many areas of our lives. For example, if you fear making new friends, it then stands to reason that you also may fear going to parties, having intimate relationships, applying for jobs, and so on.

This is made clearer by a look at the second layer of fear, which has a very different feel from that of Level 1. Level 2 fears are not situation-oriented; they involve ego.

Level 2 Fears

Rejection

Success

Failure
Being vulnerable

Being conned

Helplessness

Disapproval

Loss of image

Level 2 fears have to do with inner states of mind rather than exterior situations. They reflect your sense of self and your ability to handle this world. This explains why generalized fear takes place. If you are afraid of being rejected, this fear will affect almost every area of your life-friends, intimate relationships, job interviews, and so on. Rejection is rejection-wherever it is found. So you begin to protect yourself, and, as a result, greatly limit yourself. You begin to shut down and close out the world around you. Look over the Level 2 list once again, and you will see how any one of these fears can greatly impact many areas of your life.

Level 3 gets down to the nitty-gritty of the issue: the biggest fear of all-the one that really keeps you stuck. Are you ready?

Level 3 Fear

I CAN’T HANDLE IT!

“That’s it? That’s the big deal?” you may ask. I know you’re disappointed and wanted something much more dramatic than that. But the truth is this:

At The Bottom Of Every One Of Your Fears
Is Simply The Fear That You Can’t Handle
Whatever Life May Bring You.

Let’s test this. The Level 1 fears translate to:

I can’t handle illness.

I can’t handle making a mistake.

I can’t handle losing my job.

I can’t handle getting old.

I can’t handle being alone.

I can’t handle making a fool out of myself.

I can’t handle not getting the job.

I can’t handle losing him/her.

I can’t handle losing my money…etc.

The Level 2 fears translate to:

I can’t handle the responsibilities of success.

I can’t handle failure.

I can’t handle being rejected…etc.

Thus Level 3-simply, “I can’t handle it!”

The truth is:

If You Knew You Could Handle Anything
That Came Your Way,
What Would You Possibly Have To Fear?

The answer is: NOTHING!

I know you are probably not jumping up and down for joy just yet, but believe me when I tell you that I have just given you a great piece of news. What I just told you means you can handle all your fears without having to control anything in the outside world. This should be a tremendous relief. You no longer have to control what your mate does, what your friends do, what your children do, or what your boss does. You don’t have to control what happens at an interview, what happens at your job, what happens in your new career, what happens to your money, or what happens in the stock market.

All You Have To Do To Diminish Your Fear Is
To Develop More Trust In You Ability
To Handle Whatever Comes Your Way!

I am belaboring the point because it is so critical. From this moment on, every time you feel afraid, remind yourself that it is simply because you are not feeling good enough about yourself. Then proceed to use one or more of the tools in this book to help build yourself up. You have your task clearly mapped out for you. There is no reason for confusion.

I’ve often been asked to explain why we have so little trust in ourselves. I don’t really know the answer to that some fear is instinctual and healthy, and keeps us alert to trouble. The rest-the part that holds us back from personal growth-is inappropriate and destructive, and perhaps can be blamed on our conditioning.

In all my life I have never hear a mother call out to her child as he or she goes off to school, “Take a lot of risks today, darling.” She is more likely to convey to her child, “Be careful, darling,” This “Be careful” carries with it a double message: “The world is really dangerous out there”…..and…..”you won’t be able to handle it.” What Mom is really saying, of course, is, “If something happens to you, i won’t be able to handle it.” You see, she is only passing on her lack of trust in her ability to handle what comes her way.

I can remember desperately wanting to have a two-wheel bicycle and my mother’s refusal to buy me one. Her answer to my pleas was always the same: “I love you too much. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” I translated this to mean: “You are not competent enough to handle a two-wheel bike.” Having become older and wiser, I realize now that she was really saying: “If anything happens to you, i will fall apart.”

This overprotective mother of mine was once in intensive care after serious surgery, with tubes down her nose and her throat. When I was told it was time for me to leave, I whispered in her ear-not knowing if she could hear me-that I loved her and would be back later. As I was walking toward the door, I heard a small, weak voice behind me saying-you guessed it-“Be careful.” Even in her anesthetic stupor, she was sending me admonitions of doom and gloom. And I know she typifies the great percentage of mothers out there. Considering how many “be careful”s our parents bombarded us with, it is amazing that we even manage to walk out the front door!

Apart from such seemingly obvious connections, the cause of our fear quite possibly lies elsewhere. But does it really matter where our self-doubts come from? I believe not. It is not my approach to analyze the whys and wherefores of troublesome areas of the mind. It is often impossible to figure out what the actual causes of negative patterns are, and even if we did know, the knowing doesn’t necessarily change them.

In this case, you know that you don’t like the fact that lack of trust in yourself is stopping you from getting what you want out of life. Knowing this creates a very clear, even laserlike, focus on what needs to be changed. You don’t have to scatter your energy wondering why. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you begin now to develop your trust in yourself, until you reach a point where you will be able to say:

WHAT EVER HAPPENS TO ME, GIVEN ANY SITUATION,
I CAN HANDLE IT!

I can hear the doubting Thomases out there saying, “Oh, come on now, how do you handle paralysis, or the death of a child, or cancer?” I understand your skepticism. Remember that I was once a doubting Thomas myself. Just read on and let the book unfold. Give yourself a winning chance by using the tools provided throughout this book. As you do, you will find yourself coming closer and closer to such a high level of self-confidence that you will ultimately begin to realize that you can handle anything that comes your way. Never let these three little words out of your mind-possibly the three most important little words you’ll ever hear:

I’LL HANDLE IT!

Chapter 2 is on its way.

posted July 30, 2010 05:03 PM            

*edit. I'm not awake.. I meant to say, we need reminders like this periodically - when we're in high school, college (if you go) - all sorts of times. There are frogs I should have eaten, that are petrified now (deceased, not terrified ) that haunt me at the moment... I'm only 35, but they were important. (I think I've been doing too much frog-talk elsewhere... sort of like astro-speak here.)

(Now that I've thoroughly confused anyone reading, I need some caffeine, and to attend to my first frog.. the laundry.)

posted July 30, 2010 06:28 PM            

Obviously she doesn't provide all the answers and I can see how it may come accross offensive ~ but some of it really did resonate and I believe fear and worry can really cripple someone and being pulled out of it is like being reborn. I was never crippled by it, as it was more courage that I needed at the time.

posted July 30, 2010 06:37 PM            

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I mean no disrespect, Lexx, but this isn't much of an opinon. In fact it is rather rude and abrupt. I wouldn't do that to you.

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Do you think you can elaborate, please? as I am not familiar with Louise Hayses work.

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posted July 31, 2010 07:01 AM            

Is chapter 2 still on it's way?
I would like to read it too, please

posted July 31, 2010 07:47 PM            

Can’t You Make IT Go Away?

Janet’s still waiting for the fear to go away. She had always planned to return to college once her children were in school, but she now notices it’s been four years since her youngest child entered first grade. New excuses have popped up since that time: “I want to be here when the children come home from school”; “We really don’t have the money”; “My husband will feel neglected.”

Although it is true that certain logistics would have to be worked out, that is not the reason for her hesitation. In fact, her husband is willing to help her in any way he can. He is concerned about her restlessness, and often encourages her to fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a fashion designer.

Each time Janet thinks about calling the local college to set up an interview, something stops her. “When I’m not so frightened, then I’ll make the call”; “When I feel a little better about myself, then I’ll make the call.” Most likely Janet is going to wait a very long time.

The problem is that her thinking is all mixed up. The logic she uses automatically programs her for failure. She will never break the fear barrier until she is made aware of her faulty thinking; she simply does not “see” what is obvious to those who are out there doing it.

Nor did I until I was forced to. Before my divorce from my first husband, I was rather like a child, allowing him to take over the practicalities of my life. After my divorce, I had no choice but to start doing things on my own. Small things, such as fixing the vacuum cleaner all by myself, brought me enormous satisfaction. The first night I invited people to my home for dinner as a single person was a monumental leap. The day I booked tickets for my first trip without a man was a day for celebration.

As I began to do things on my own, I began to taste the deliciousness of an emerging self-confidence. It wasn’t all comfortable-in fact, a lot of it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt like a child learning to walk and falling frequently. But with each step I felt a little surer of my ability to handle my life.

As my confidence grew, I kept waiting for the fear to go away. Yet each time I ventured out into a new territory, I felt frightened and unsure of myself. “Well,” I told myself, “just keep putting yourself out there. Eventually the fear will go away.
“ It never did! One day a light bulb went on in my head as I suddenly realized the following “truth”:

Truth 1

The Fear Will Never Go Away

As Long As I Continue To Grow.

As long as I continued to push out into the world, as long as I continued to stretch my capabilities, as long as I continued to take a new risk in making my dreams some true, I was going to experience fear. What a revelation! Like Janet, and so many of you reading this book, I had grown up waiting for the fear to go away before I took any chances. “When I am no longer afraid…then!” for most of my life, I had played the WHEN/THEN game. And it never worked.

Once again you are probably not jumping up and down with joy. I am aware that this revelation is not exactly one you wanted to hear. If you are like my students, you were hoping that my words of wisdom would miraculously make your fears go away. I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t work that way. On the other hand, rather than think of it as a disappointment, consider it a relief that you no longer have to work so hard on getting rid of the fear. It isn’t going to go away! Not to worry. As you build your confidence in yourself with the exercises suggested herein, your relationship with fear will dramatically alter.

Not long after discovering Truth 1, I made another important discove4ry that contributed enormously to my growth:

Truth 2

The Only Way To Get Rid Of The Fear

Of Doing Something Is To Go Out And Do It.

This sounds contradictory to Truth 1, yet it isn’t. fear of particular situations dissolved when I finally confronted them. The “doing it” comes before the fear goes away.

I can illustrate this by recounting my first teaching experience when I was studying for my doctorate. I was not much older than my students, and I was teaching a subject in which I had dubious expertise-the psychology of aging. I anticipated the fist class period with a tremendous sense of dread. During the three days prior to class, my stomach felt like it was on a roller coaster. I had prepared eight hours of work for a one-hour class. I had handwritten enough material for three lectures none of this took away my fear. When the first day of class finally arrived, I felt like I was being sent to the guillotine. As I stood in front of my students, I could feel my heart pounding and my knees shaking. Somehow I got through that class period-not ecstatically looking forward to the second one the following week.

Thankfully, things were easier the next time. (If not, I might have left teaching permanently!) I started to become familiar with the faces in the classroom and connected some of the names to the faces. The third class was better than the second, as I started to relax and go with the flow of the students. By our sixth session I was actually looking forward to standing in front of my class. The interaction with my students was stimulating and challenging. One day, as I was approaching that once-dreaded classroom, I realized I was no longer afraid. My fear had turned into sweet anticipation.

I had to teach a number of different courses before I was comfortable walking into class without voluminous notes. But there did come a day when all I had in hand was a one-page outline of what I intended to cover that period. I realized how far I had come. I had felt the fear…and did it anyway. As a result, I got rid of my fear of teaching. Yet, when I took my teaching into the television arena, once again I experienced fear, until my “doing it” often enough eliminated my fear of appearing on television. So it goes.

Another part of the WHEN/THEN game I used to play had to do with self-esteem. “When I feel better about myself… then I’ll do it.” This is another mix-up in the order of reality. I kept thinking that if I could improve my self-image, then the fear would go away and I could start accomplishing things. I didn’t know exactly how my self-image was going to improve. Perhaps by my growing older and wiser, or through feedback form other people, or a miracle would make me feel wonderful about myself. I actually bought myself a belt buckle that read I’M TERRIFIC, thinking that through osmosis I’d get the message.

Maybe all those things did help a little. What really made the difference, however, was the sense of accomplishment I felt in pushing through fear and doing things on my own. Finally, this became clear.

Truth 3

The Only Way To Feel Better About Myself

Is To Go Out…And Do It.

The “doing it” comes before the feeling better about yourself. When you make something happen, not only does the fear of the situation go away, but also you get a big bonus: you do a lot toward building your self-confidence. It’s fairly predictable, however, that when you’ve finally mastered something and gotten rid of the fear, it will feel so good that you will decide that there is something else out there you want to accomplish, and-guess what! The fear begins as you prepare to meet a new challenge.

Through all the workshops and seminars I attended in my early stages of dealing with fear, I was relieved to learn something else that made me feel infinitely better about myself:

Truth 4

Not Only Am I Going To Experience Fear Whenever

I’m On Unfamiliar Territory, But So Is Everyone Else.

I said to myself: “You mean all those people out there that I’ve been envying because they’re not afraid to move ahead with their lives have really been afraid? Why didn’t somebody tell me!?” I guess I never asked. I was sure I was the only person out there feeling so inadequate. It was such a relief to realize I was not alone in this. I had the rest of the world to keep me company.

I remember a newspaper article I read years ago about Ed Koch, the seemingly fearless mayor of New York City. The article told how he had to learn a tap-dance routine with the cast of a Broadway show for a publicity event. His teacher reported that the mayor was scared to death. This was hard to believe! A man who had often faced crowds of angry people, who had made many difficult decisions affecting millions of lives, who had put himself before the public in his race to be mayor… and he was afraid to learn a simple dance!

If one is aware of the Fear Truths, the mayor’s fear will not come as a surprise. Tap dancing was an activity that tested him in a new way, and of course he would be frightened. Once he practiced and mastered the routine, the fear would go away, and his confidence in himself would be heightened- he could put another feather in his cap, so to speak. That’s simply the way it works-for all of us. By virtue of our all being human, we share the same feelings. Fear is no exception.

Many stories similar to Mayor Koch’s appear in newspapers, magazines, and books and on television. Until you are in touch with the Fear Truths, you will hear about and read and see these stories and not notice the underlying principles operating. You may never relate the experiences of others, especially those of celebrities, to your life. You make think they are lucky because they aren’t afraid to put themselves out there. Not so! They had to push through a tremendous amount of fear to get where they are today…and they are still pushing.

Those who have successfully dealt with fear all their lives seem to have known, consciously or unconsciously, the message in this book: You must feel the fear…and do it anyway. A very successful friend of mine, a self-made man who allowed nothing to stop him along the way, pondered the title of my course one day, nodded, and said, “Yes, I guess that is the way I’ve always lived my life, without consciously realizing that’s what I’ve been doing. I can’t remember not being afraid, but it never occurred to me that fear would prevent me from taking the risks necessary to get what I wanted. I just went ahead and did what I had to do to make my ideas work-despite the fear.”

If you have not been successful in dealing with fear, you probably never learned the Fear Truths, and interpreted the fear as a signal to retreat rather than as a green light to move ahead. You have tended to play those WHEN/THEN games I mentioned earlier. All you have to do is find way out of your self-imposed prison to retrain your thinking.

A first step in retraining your thinking is to say the Fear Truths at least ten times a day for the next month. As you will shortly discover, retraining faulty thinking takes constant repetition. Knowing the Fear Truths is not enough. You have to keep feeding them to yourself until they become a part of your being-until you start to reverse your behavior and move toward your desired goals, rather than retreating. There will be more later about why repetition is important. For now, just trust me and repeat the Fear Truths over and over again.

Before you begin, however, I’d like to add one very important fear Truth to the list. You might already have been asking yourself, “Why should I put myself through all the discomfort that comes with taking risks? Why don’t I just go on living my life the way I’ve been living it?” You might find my answer to that question surprising. It is:

Truth 5

Pushing Through Fear Is Less Frightening Than

Living With The Underlying Fear That Comes

From A Feeling Of Helplessness.

Read it again. I know it’s hard to take in at first. It says that no matter how “secure” any of us feel in the little cocoon we have built for ourselves, we live, consciously or unconsciously, with the fear that the day of reckoning will eventually come.

The more helpless we feel, the more severe is the undercurrent of dread that comes with knowing there are situations in life over which we have no control-such as the death of a spouse or the loss of a job. We find ourselves becoming obsessive about possible catastrophes. “What if…?” Fear permeates our lives. This is the irony of Fear Truth 5: people who refuse to take risks live with a feeling of dread that is far more severe than what they would feel if they took the risks necessary to make them less helpless-only they don’t know it!

I can illustrate with the case of Janice, a middle-aged house-wife, who “planned” her life in such a way as to avoid risk taking as much as possible. She married a successful businessman who handled both their lives. Janice allowed this situation because it was more comfortable for her to never put herself on the line. But, as the saying goes, “Life is what happens when we’ve made other plans!” At the age of fifty-three, her husband, Dick, had a stroke, which left him partially disabled. One day she was totally taken care of and the next she was totally taking care of.

The transition wasn’t easy. After fighting the rage of “Why did this happen to me?” she started to accept the fact that she was now in charge of both her own and her husband’s survival. Numbed, she went through the motions of learning his business, handling decisions regarding his heal, and waking up every morning with the understanding that it was now up to her. After a while, the numbness left, the fog cleared, and she discovered a profound sense of peace she had never experienced before. She started to realize the heavy price she had paid to be taken care of.

Prior to her husband’s stroke, Janice’s thinking had been permeated with the phrase “what if?” She always worried about the future, never enjoying her todays. She had lived with the underlying dread, “My God, what if something happened to him?” She had often remarked to her friends, “I hope I die before he does. I couldn’t live without him.” And she thought she couldn’t-which is a less-than-satisfactory way to go through life. This all changed as she found strength she never thought she had. She now knows the answer to her question “what if?”
The answer is: “I’ll handle it!”

Janice had never realized she was living with terror all her life until that terror disappeared the new fears were nothing compared to her old fears about survival. Her husband has now recovered enough for them to live a satisfying life together. He, too, has faced one of his biggest fears-that of becoming disabled. He got the answer to his question “what if?” which was also “I’ll handle it.” They both handled it beautifully. In fact, through this experience they learned the real meaning of love.

By now you’ve gotten the picture. We can’t escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us in all our exciting adventures; it is not an anchor holding us transfixed to the spot. Some people have told me they are never afraid, but when I question them, they reveal that we are just differing in semantics. Yes, they feel nervous or anxious sometimes-they simply never label it fear.

As far as I know, everyone feels fear as he or she moves forward through life. It is absolutely possible that there are some evolved souls in this world who never experience fear, but I have not met them. If I do, I promise I will become their avid student and report back to you with their secrets. You see, I “know” on some level there is nothing to fear. It’s the surface level that needs convincing. In the meantime I’ve learned to “feel the fear…and do it anyway!” As I do, whether I feel the fear or not becomes irrelevant. My life will work in either case…as will yours.

Five Truths about Fear

1.The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.

2.The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.

3.The only way to feel better about myself is to go out…and do it

4.Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, so is everyone else.

5.Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

posted August 01, 2010 02:05 AM            

quote:

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You must feel the fear…and do it anyway

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posted August 01, 2010 11:27 AM            

PS. If I can find time, I do want to give my analysis on all of this based on my observations and personal experiences, and where I disagree or agree.
Also, where I feel the information/teachings could be dangerous or misleading.
Part of the problem with the teachings such as hers and others of her ilk, is that it is not taken into account the complexity and variables of people.
One size does not fit all.

posted August 15, 2011 11:27 AM            

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Originally posted by Randall:
But the more you dwell on it, the more it grows, although it really has no true power at all.

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