posted May 13, 2003 10:02 AM         

I know it's good she was alive...but it bothered me something fierce...she was dead in my arms...

posted May 13, 2003 12:56 PM         

Recalling things...

when i was 9, i was pushed into a pool and caught my foot on the edge, and couldnt' get back up....have a fear of drowning ever since...

my mother called and informed me this morning that she dreamed about me last night, i was a little girl with blonde curls and i was dancing all over...before she told me this, she kept asking me if i was ok...

My own reflections...bear with me...

I am in the middle of a strange time in my marriage. Things have happened between me and my husband and frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm also torn between what I need to do. Half of me wants to leave and take my kids and just start over. Live in an apartment, and do my own thing. Live MY life like I want it. But then again...there is another side of me, that is greedy. This side says "you will never have anything if you do this" meaning, material things. We could see our house and move into a bigger one, like I've always wanted. Don't I deserve that? Then...there is the other side, that says "No marriage is perfect, all marriages have problems..don't you love him enough to keep trying?"....flip side to that "not all marriages have the addictions that are your demons every day--don't you deserve happiness and someone to make you happy??"

See, my husband has some addictions that have haunted me for 10 years now...and I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of my self confidence and self worth being torn down by him daily.

Today, I am going to a lawyer, to see where I stand etc....just get some idea of what goes on now. This is my 2nd marriage, but things have changed divorce wise.

And I'm nervous.

Then, my parents are not well, and I am worried sick about them...I don't want to loose them...and I'm wrecked with upset over it...

So...in a nutshell...Alexis represents ME. A child, wandering through life with rose colored glasses on--looking at the world through innocence.
The drowning...well, that represents one of the most horrifying moments in my life...and it is relating today because I feel as if I am drowning in my life.
But..notice how I saved "myself" ? I dove in..I grabbed "ME" up, I laid healing hands on "ME" and I recovered.
I still called for help...because I cannot face these times and days alone. I need all the support and love I can get. Therefore still needing to call 911 even after Lexi opened her eyes...

So, in a nutshell times 2, I believe that if I dig deep into myself, my faith and spiritality and soul, I will recover and survive. I will lean on others and I will heal myself, through the power of their love. And I'm going to be ok...

posted May 13, 2003 01:30 PM         

You are worth far more than you are receiving, and I cannot help but to feel that if you follow your heart, you will have more than you ever thought you could, both emotionally and materially. It may, and probably will, take some time and effort, but what good is a bigger house if it becomes an emotional prison? Do they not call prison the "big house"? Remember that.

You are capable of doing whatsoever you wish, and you WILL!

Peace be with you, Amanda, you are in our thoughts and prayers.