posted July 16, 2003 01:34 AM         

Okay, I'd like to share a dream I had last night. I remember most of my dreams and do intend to tell of other, recurring ones eventually, but for now, this:

I was at my parents' house and it was Christmas Eve, late. I looked around the living room and saw that there was no tree, no gifts beneath it, no decorations of any kind to indicate it was Christmas. This was very strange because my Mother always went all out for the holidays (especially Christmas and our birthdays). I was quite concerned and kept thinking, "I have to get the tree up and decorated...and fast! Christmas can't be forgotten".

Anyway...in the next scene, I'd somehow managed to get the tree up and decorated and the gifts beneath it, though it was in an area of the room it never had been before.

So...next it was Christmas morning and everyone was there EXCEPT my Mom - - my Dad, brother, my 2 daughters and myself. We were all just kind of waiting around for her, when my Dad turned to me and said, "Where the h**l is your Mother?!?" And I answered, realizing the truth of it AS I SAID IT, "She's gone, Dad"... Then I woke up.

Now...the reality is that she IS gone; she passed away in her sleep suddenly 4 years ago, leaving us stunned and lost. We've been trying to cope with the enormous hole in the family her absence created, as she was the glue that held us together, so to speak. Ever since she died, my Father and brother come to my place Christmas morning and stay for dinner, whereas before, after my daughters and I had our little celebration in the early morning we would pack up the gifts and dinner and go to my parents' for the rest of the day.

Another present-day reality is the fact that July 12th was her birthday and she has been on my mind quite a lot lately. Since her death, not one day has passed that I don't think of her...but I have been missing her so much; feeling the need for her love and comfort as I've been faced with the health problems both my children are having. I'm aware that the grieving process is not linear, but recently I've been feeling like my ability to deal with her loss has taken a huge step backwards...

What disturbs me most about this dream is the "she's gone" statement I made; because I actually dream about her often (at least once a week) and am always comforted because I have believed it is her way of visiting with me and assuring me she IS still around. She even told me this in a dream I had shortly after her death, where in it I was walking through her house looking for her then finding her - - she smiled at me and said, "I'm right here". THAT time I awoke feeling very comforted; however this morning I awoke feeling the opposite...very alone and sad.

posted July 16, 2003 02:17 PM         

I think this is just a step in the process of dealing with their passings. They are here, but how and to what extent I only have ideas.

I will give this some more thought ...

posted July 16, 2003 02:28 PM           

We've butted heads over the years, mostly because of my unorthodox sleeping/computer habits, and while my move out to uni might have had something to do with it..

Well, i dreamt I was at his funeral, I dont know why he died, I was just there. And the next morning when I woke up I could not stop crying, either way...we talked about it and as a result we're much closer now.

He told me - "if you talk to someone about the dream, it's ok"

posted July 16, 2003 03:03 PM         

I could be way off here, but what jumped out at me is maybe it has just come to you that she is always with you heart and soul, but that she is "gone" in the physical and seems like you all of a sudden felt like you had to be the "glue" ie; the urgency to get that tree up and the presents underneath.

Just a thought Cant wait to hear what Ra has to say.

posted July 16, 2003 03:54 PM         

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I think you nailed it when you guessed that I feel like I must try and "be the glue"...

Of all the people I've known in my life, my Mother was my biggest "cheer leader". Nomatter what I was going through (and I've been through my share), she was the one I could count on to talk me through whatever I was upset about while letting me have my feelings at the same time. She was a "haven" in the midst of my worries. And yes...now I'm the one who must be my daughters' haven. With all that's been happening, I've often wished that she was here physically, with her smile and great hugs.

I truly do believe that she is with me, and I've felt her presence in overwhelming ways at times...so that does help. I guess the saying, "Nobody loves you like your Mom" is true.

So thank you Melissa for your insight, and I'm so glad for you, that you have a close relationship with your Mom.

N_w

I know what you mean about your dream. I also had one a few months back about my Father dying, and cried so hard in the dream my daughter heard me and had to wake me up.

Maybe we have these kinds of dreams to remind us how precious and unpredictable life really is...and upsetting though they are, they help us to appreciate loved ones regardless of differences we may have with them. It sounds like it happened that way with you and your Father and I'm happy for you. I know I treasure every moment with mine.

Ra

I'm open to any ideas you may have about my dream. There's no hurry though; I just appreciate the time anyone has taken to think on it and share.

posted July 17, 2003 02:07 PM         

Your story is a testament to the potential power that dreams can hold. Your dream reflected the feelings of separation between you and your father. By simply telling him about it, a magnificent healing took place! How wonderful!!