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Author
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Topic: First dream remembered in a while
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JustAmanda
Knowflake Posts: 261
From:
Registered: Jan 2003
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posted October 22, 2003 08:55 AM
 
*NOTE TO THE READER*
my father passed away on October 7th after a long battle with cancer. I was with him when he died and it was peaceful and was just like he wanted...my mother became gravely ill that night and has been in the hospital ever since. She has had 3 major abdominal surgeries and we believe has suffered a nervous breakdown. She has been horrible to me when I go to visit and is demented and psychotic. I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically drained...beyond belief...And a horrific one to remember. I was at my parents house. My father was still alive, and he and my mother were there. My daughter Emily was with me. My father became irrate and began demanding to see the checkbook. I didn't want him to see it, even though I knew I'd only written checks to pay their bills. I called my sister Cathy and told her to hurry up and get there because they were getting weird on me. They kept trying to come in my bedroom and I finally locked all the doors. They tried breaking down the doors and I was on the phone with my motherinlaw. I was telling Diana that my parents were acting completely crazy and my mother picked up the other phone and was listening. She started screaming horribly and telling Diana that she hated her and that Diana acted terrible towards her. Then, I ran back up to the house and screamed for Emily to get outside, in the meantime, my father was handing me a purse and telling me to get out. It was not my purse, and I stepped back inside to get my purse. I had my car keys and my key ring had lots of keys on it. He began demanding that I give him the keys, that belonged to him. I was so nervous and afraid that I couldn't get them off the ring. Robert, who lives next door, drove up and I yelled for him to help me. He started getting keys off the ring for me and I was throwing them at my dad. Then, I started towards my car which was my first car that my dad bought for me, a Mustang, and he came out of the house carrying more of my things. Emily was in the car and I was trying to put it in reverse but put it in drive instead. I looked ahead of me and there was a swingset with 4 children on it. They were looking at me and they were very sad. Just watching. I finally got it in reverse and sped out of the driveway. I was desparately trying to call my sister Cathy but kept calling my cousin Tracy instead. Then, Emily and I went to a warehouse were they make perfums and makeups. We went through the building but going in the opposite direction of everyone else shopping there. A lady stopped us and said "Amanda you forgot to get your nameband" and she gave me a nameband like you have in the hospital. Then, we met up with my sister Cathy and we went over to the White Diamonds counter. Then, somehow or another, I was in MY house and I was running out of the house, Emily was running behind me and she had a butcher knife that had blood on it. Behind her was my parents, and they both had knives, and were telling her to kill me. They were laughing all crazy like and I was scared to death. And pretty much I just woke up on that note...thoughts? IP: Logged |
Aphrodite
Moderator Posts: 3280
From: San Francisco, CA, United States
Registered: Feb 2002
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posted October 22, 2003 11:41 AM
  *Hugs for you* IP: Logged |
Ra
Moderator Posts: 2641
From:
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted October 22, 2003 03:05 PM
 I will have some thoughts later ...
IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 16464
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000
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posted October 22, 2003 06:13 PM
 ------------------
"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark IP: Logged |
JustAmanda
Knowflake Posts: 261
From:
Registered: Jan 2003
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posted October 22, 2003 09:41 PM
The pychiatrist called me tonight and says he believes my mother suffered a stroke the morning that she coded ...which means that a breakdown (which possibly could be treated with meds) is now out of the question...I'm going to lose my freakin mind...I cannot believe what fate has dealt to us. IP: Logged |
Aphrodite
Moderator Posts: 3280
From: San Francisco, CA, United States
Registered: Feb 2002
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posted October 22, 2003 10:26 PM
*Even bigger hugs* IP: Logged |
Ra
Moderator Posts: 2641
From:
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted October 23, 2003 04:32 AM
Oh, Amanda ... our hearts go out to you.
I do not have anything yet, but just know that your dream does not reflect the feelings or thoughts of either of your parents - it is more of a reflection of the excruciating turmoil you are enduring as a result of the entire situation. IP: Logged |
Ra
Moderator Posts: 2641
From:
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted October 24, 2003 02:42 PM
Amanda, there are some very deep-seated emotions at work here. There is no question that you love your parents very much, but this whole situation has taken its toll on you on all levels.There is so much going on here ... you have been caring for your parents to a great degree, because you love them, but on a certain level you feel kind of taken advantage of or taken for granted, but of course you would not have it any other way because you LOVE your parents, and this causes a great internal confliction. You are confused and feel as if you are swimming upsteam, battling the flow of life. You are doing your best to provide for your own family as well as trying to keep things together for your parents, and this is sucking the life right out of you (Emily with knife followed by parents). You have sacrificed so much of your energy for the good of the family, and a little recognition would be nice, would it not? I am not saying that you want to be acknowledged - all that you do is out of love - but it would be nice if someone said "thank you". I will say it, THANK YOU for being who you are and doing what you do. There should be more people with your sense of love and responsibility. The world would be a much more forgiving place ... IP: Logged |
JustAmanda
Knowflake Posts: 261
From:
Registered: Jan 2003
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posted October 24, 2003 08:17 PM
Oh...Ra..put your arms around yourself right now because I'm hugging you...thank you for that...I agree with everything you said, even the "thank you" part...my dad, he thanked me constantly for caring for him...I bathed him, I gave him meds..I fed him, I changed his urine bag, I swabbed his mouth with water when he couldn't drink any longer..even though the odors emitting from his body about made me vomit, I hid those feelings because I couldn't stand the thoughts of hurting his feelings...I also talked with him, I discussed his funeral, I wrote his obituary at his request...I slept in the chair beside him many a night...most nights I did my walk through the house, I wandered from room to room, sitting with him for a while until retiring back to the family room on the couch aka my bed...my brother laughed at me lovingly, for my nightly wanderings...
My dad told me how much he appreciated me, up until the day before he died, he was thanking me...my mother on the other hand...has not done this...she has blamed me for her being sick, because we didn't recognize her illness, nothing I do is what she wants, it's not good enough or fast enough...yet, I balled like a baby the other night, the night that I dreamt this stuff, because of missing my mother...I have a live journal...and I would like to invite you Ra (or anyone here) to read it...if you so feel moved...just because there is so much more there... http://www.livejournal.com/users/justamanda thank you Ra... *massive hugs* IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
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