posted January 31, 2004 05:37 AM         

I think you are right. Your subconscious has picked up either on his negative "vibe", or his affect on your life. Or it could be fear on your part about the relationship. Those would be my guesses, but I am certainly not perfect.

What do you think, or more importantly, feel?

posted January 31, 2004 03:32 PM         

Trust what you feel, not what you think. As difficult as it is, you must think about your daughter and what is ultimately best for her. I know that the mind will tell you that she needs a father in her life, but perhaps this guy is not the right one. He provided the means for her to enter this world, but that does not give him the right to destroy it.

I wish you the best in this tough situation, and hope the universe will guide you in the right direction.

Much light to you, and your daughter ... and the father as well, he obviously needs it too.

Let us know how things are going.

posted February 27, 2004 12:33 AM         

quote:

---

I know that the mind will tell you that she needs a father in her life, but perhaps this guy is not the right one.

---

posted March 02, 2004 11:38 PM         

quote:
I remember silently cursing myself for not giving it my all, for not being the person he wanted me to be.... I desperately wanted him to forgive me...

i think my heart stopped when i read that line. ugh, that is one of the worst feelings in the world. like beating yourself up when you're already unconcious from pain. my ex made me feel that way all the time...or i should say, i let him make me...nothing was ever good enough, and i was supposed to be fixing him and helping him and according to him i had all this spare time so why didn't i do more for him? i still have tiny moments where i wonder if i have let him down, then i really think about it, and he has let himself down. i have stood up for my self respect in an honest way and given my best to him. if maintaing my dignity and self love, which helps me to love others, is letting him down, then i guess he needs to think he is being let down. he tore me down constantly and tried his best to control me all the while touting enlightenment and freedom. he says he gave his best to me. whoa, do i feel sorry for all those other girls then if that is true.

every time i think i am past all the raw emotion it comes sneaking around the corner again. i am definitely past the thoroughly hating him phase...yet teetering on the edge of it again, out of loathing disbelief he could meet and then ignore our daughter, but hey, as they say....his loss. more than anything i am sad he is so full of fear and self hatred and whatever else ails him. because i know what else he is, ya know? all the beautiful things. then i remember how loving our daughter is an ode to that...an ode to the perfection within us and between us, an unconditional love. yes, it fascinates and amazes me that i created this little person with someone i love and hate so much, all at once. i know i won't hate him forever, i am ashamed to even admit i do, although it's a bit free-ing. but i do know i will love him forever, if for nothing else, then for the sheer fact he helped bring her into this world. because she is the best thing ever. and i think he helped me break some very unhealthy cycles. i wish i could have done the same for him. i think i did in some ways. he once said to me while we were arguing on the phone while i was pregnant..."thank you for always challenging me."
spirit guides are indeed there....esp. when you seek their help...i will post on that next here, separately, as it involves a dream.

posted March 03, 2004 12:38 AM         

i was still dating the father of my child, and before i got pregnant, or maybe i was a wee bit preggers but just didn't know it yet, i began to feel panicked and desolate about our entire situation. numerous events led up to me feeling used, drained, under-appreciated, not listened to and just downright depressed. yet i was still madly in love with him and wanted it to work, yet Knowing i was miserable. so i left his house one day - and i will never forget it because a deep part of me knew it was the last time i might see him as my lover - i took a long walk and just cried until i felt too insane, for crying i was so tired of, and it seemed to help nothing but for the moment. i stopped dead in my tracks in an alley and intently prayed to all the things i believe in to help guide me on what to do with our relationship. i begged for a sign of some sort. with that, i walked on feeling desolate but a bit calmed. that night i slept alone at my house i had a dream...or rather, nightmare. in it, i was with a young girl and boy headed for a diner. once we got there i realized it was my daughter who was with me and her friend i think - or maybe a brother? her dad was my boyfriend in waking life that i was having problems with. only, in the dream he looked much older, balding, but his name was the same and i just recognized his energy, aura, what-have-you. he came over to us and began talking to Luna, that was our daughter's name in the dream. he sat her up on the table and was smoking a cigarette. he began to laugh and wave it around her, trying to entertain her with it. i told him to please be careful, and find something else to play with her with...he laughed me off, and she laughed nervously...then a moment passed and he purposefully burned her leg with the cigarette! held it on her leg! and laughed again! well, of course she cried and screamed, i screamed and grabbed her, and the little boy just stood there, mouth agape, i grabbed him too and just started running. i think i knew i couldn't reason with him...so i ran and ran and ran...with the two kiddos and we lived in caves and such and met wonderful people at gatherings. i woke in a sweat. at that time, i had no kids, and had never had a dream about having one either. and it was just yet another nightmare about my boyfriend but this was bad. was that my sign i wondered? it was just a dream....but as daf says, the Creator speaks to us through symbols and signs....

so, in waking life a couple days later i think, or maybe as soon as the next night, i am still mulling over what to do and feeling nasty from that terrible dream. i call my boyfriend and he is rude and selfish over the phone and denies seeing me even though i tell him i need to talk. he says he isn't up for it. so i call my girlfriend, crying and before i speak a word she sez....it's him again, isn't it? i am coming over....
so i sit outside, waiting for her, it almost 2 in the morning and i have been crying my eyes out, all puffy faced. i took my dog out with me, since our neighborhood was kinda sketchy, esp. at night. as i sit there i think, this is stupid, i am tired of dragging my friends into my drama i need to deal with it myself...i will just go to bed now, call her and tell her to forget it and figure this all out later...as i am about to get up, my dog lunges and begins barking wildly at the house behind us. i look around and see nothing, but she continues to freak....she is usually a calm dog, so i stand up on defense and keep looking. around the corner, at 2 a.m. ish, comes this beautiful, angelic looking girl walking her chihuahua. she's wearing a skirt! in our neighborhood? at this hour?!?! with a chihuahua to protect her? she is looking and smiling right at us, as i look up and down, shuffling my feet, for i had my hoodie pulled over my head to cover my puffy crybaby face. i had a very jumpy, nervous, UNAPPROACHABLE energy about me, AND my BIG dog was barking wildly at them, but that didn't stop her from bee lining straight for us, with her dog and a big smile. as soon as they were close enough for my dog to sniff them, she immediately calmed and wagged her tail and went towards them....what? usually my dog tucks her tail and walks away after an episode like that with a stranger. but my dog immediatley trusted them. we exchanged hellos and both complimented the other's dog. i asked her what the lil old chihuahua's name was...LUNA she replied...."LLLLUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuNNNnnnnnnnAAAAAAaaaa!" I literally shrieked, thinking of my dream and how this was the sign and what a sweet dog! I pet her vigorously. ok, most people would have been wary and turned off by my spastic reaction to her dog's name. but she just had this knowing smile. and then i got nervous thinking i was perhaps staring straight into the face of a true angel, or spirit guide, in human form. i started nervously blabbering about our dogs and she just laughed andlaughed and began to walk away just as i felt myself getting comfortable enough to begin asking her if she was sent to me. i mean, how many dogs named Luna are walking the street at that hour right after a dream like that? i have always thought of my dog as a spirit guide as well, and this girl validated that in some ways, i can't remember exactly what was said, but basically she was praising her lil chihuahua Luna and comparing her to Moose, my doggie, and alluded to the fact Moose would live as long as Luna!
As she started to turn and keep walking my girlfriend i had talked on the phone with drove up and parked. by this time the girl and her chihuahua were well down the street. when my friend got out of her car i was jumping up and down, telling her...look look! that's an angel!!! she helped me!!
my friend already knew about the dream, so when i told her about the encounter she just
and so did i.
and then my idealistic Libran girlfriend who is as forgiving as Gandhi told me she couldn't stand to see me suffer any more and wanted to tell me she thought my relationship with him was horrible and she was tired of hearing me defend him and tired of supporting me destroying myself, as she noted i had changed from being with him, and not in a good way.
so, between all that, it was then perfectly clear that i needed to get away from him. i had suspicions at that point i might be pregnant too, because i am very in tune with my body and between that dream and the way i felt i was wondering....but all i knew is i had to break up with him or things would get much, much worse before and if they got better.
so i broke up with him. when i had told him of the dream before we broke up he had nothing to say. i think i prodded a 'that's terrible' out of him. the day we broke up he still didn't have much to say, even after i told him the incredible story of the girl and her dog. huh.
and it turns out i was pregnant. i got a solid test telling me so a month after we broke up.
don't worry, i didn't name her Luna. a pretty name indeed for another gal, but didn't want to mark her with the feel of that horrid dream. although my ex and i did always celebrate the full moons together....

posted March 04, 2004 12:32 AM         

I am a Pisces sun Aries moon Libra rising
He's a Saggitarius, but unfortunately I have forgotten his birth info otherwise. He didn't know the details of his chart, i was going to figure it out for him but never got around to it that i remember..

oh, and my daughter is a LEo sun Aquarius moon Scorpio rising. which i think makes for an interesting blend with her mama, no?

thanks again for your time, interest and insights into all this muck. it helped to inspire me to call him three times today....of course, no answer, and i left messages two of the times. i am calling the lawyers tomorrow to see what their advice is.

posted March 16, 2004 04:40 PM         

*cheers* to you, i sure need a sumthin' about now....