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Author Topic:   This breaks my heart...
Philbird
Knowflake

Posts: 465
From: Douglas, AZ. USA
Registered: Jun 2004

posted July 11, 2004 12:08 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
My ex-husband was re-married about 3 years ago. Our divorce was mutual and not at all bitter. We have a son named Jay (or Jaybird), and we communicated fine, until he got re-married.
Since his marriage, he barely talks to me about our son, and his new hag is a very controlling, jealous person!. In order to help him with the jelousy issue, I moved to AZ. from PA. He has been going downhill and lately has been reaching out to me. She's giving him a hard time about my talking to my son or sending him gifts.
To be honest I don't think she wanted to be a step mom, but the kid came with his father. (I know this is VERY difficult for him, he's stubbern) He will only communicate via e-mail from work, so she won't know. Recently, we talked about the wellbeing of our son. (He lives with his dad). ex and my son are going to therapy, not her and her daughter!
I have observed this distructive relationship from afar, and kept my concerns to myself. Their family life and my son's life is a disaster.
He e-mailed me today and told me she wants him to get rid of the dogs he's had for 13 years, and he wondered if I could take them. My son loves those dogs, they have been in his life since he was born!
I see ex is trying to simplify his life so he can deal, and we committed when we purchased the dogs. I don't want to see them go to the pound, or to someone they don't know.
His family can't take them and they are sincere...
I am thinking of a couple obtions, but they are REALLY extreme. I could use opinions or other ways I might solve a problem like this. Not just about the dogs, but my son as well.
When I listen to my intuition...I become very frightened, because I know I have to do what is right.
I could use a reading, angels, advice...anything you can offer. My heart is deeply saddened for my son, ex, the dogs...and myself, I was just getting back in the saddle.
Mary

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Ra
Moderator

Posts: 2941
From:
Registered: Apr 2001

posted July 11, 2004 12:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
Mary

I cannot give any advice or a reading, so we'll go with the angels.

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lalalinda
Knowflake

Posts: 491
From: nevada
Registered: Feb 2004

posted July 11, 2004 02:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lalalinda     Edit/Delete Message
so many petty people in this world
I'm really sorry
You're right follow your conscience

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 3149
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted July 11, 2004 08:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
I'm with Ra on those angels.

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Australdi
Knowflake

Posts: 404
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2001

posted July 14, 2004 05:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Australdi     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Philbird
This is not advice...just my personal opinion....but from what you've told, this is not your problem to solve...it's your ex's. It seems that he needs to negotiate and solve this with his new wife, who does sound as if she's taking an unreasonable stance. Unless a really valid reason has suddenly appeared ie. medical, she married him with the dogs and all that should have been sorted out well and truly before the wedding. I can understand you caring about what happens to the dogs, however he retained them and has taken the responsibility for them and they are exactly that...his responsibility. If he doesn't want to get rid of them then he needs to stand up to her on this and make his own decisions. He can't keep hiding behind you & getting you to bail him out of making difficult decisions. It's not fair on you to start with, cause you become the opposition/enemy/rescuer in her eyes, as well as you having to continually adjust your life for a man who is no longer your partner. It sounds like you need to take a tough love position with him...but this man needs to start standing on his own two feet! He needs to make his own decisions and grow up a little.
by all means you can be his friend, and hear him out, but there doesn't seem to be any obligation for you to have to continually let him off the hook in making hard decisions and dealing with his new wife.
My experience has been, if you keep rescuing someone, they never face real life themselves and end up less of a person for it. It's hard to watch, but in the end it's kinder to let them sort it out sooner than later.
Like I said, it's only my opinion based on the small amount of information you outlined....but sometimes a different perspective provides some ideas you can use to make your own choices. As it is, you and your son are your responsibility, and his new wife & life are his.
The hardest choices to make are the ones where emotions are involved.
good luck
luv
Aus xxx

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 3149
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted July 14, 2004 09:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Australdi!
Hello, and welcome back.
I am a serial poster here. Good to meet someone who has evolved along with this site.
Evolved, indeed... that was some sound and sage advice.

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Philbird
Knowflake

Posts: 465
From: Douglas, AZ. USA
Registered: Jun 2004

posted July 14, 2004 12:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
Aus., It's nice to meet you1
Thank you for your sound advice. I suppose I posted that because in the 15 years I have known him, he has never asked me or anyone else for help. His family is the coulda, woulda, shouda, type. I guess that is why he has turned to me.

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pidaua
Knowflake

Posts: 2366
From: Annapolis, Maryland USA
Registered: May 2002

posted July 14, 2004 12:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pidaua     Edit/Delete Message
Oh Philbird, I am so sorry for what you and your son are going through. It sounds like the stepmother is really a step monster. She is using the animals to hurt your son- maybe even drive him away. My Stepmonster was like that. She wanted my dad all to herself and once they got married, she did everything possible to cut the relationship between my dad and us kids. She was truly evil, but that is a story in itself.

I would have loved for someone to have stepped in. Someone that could have stood up for me,because I was the age of your son and my brother was only 8. My mom wasn't emotionally stable enough to step in or help. In the end, I stood up to the wicked witch and exposed her for what she was. The problem was, the damage was already done. My brother has a self-esteem issue at times because of how she treated him. I had an eating disorder.

It may be time for you to call the ex. Let him know what he is doing to his son. Prepare him for the fact that getting rid of the dogs will cause resentment from your son and will be something he will never forget. I am sure your ex doesn't want to lose the relationship he has with his only son.

Good luck and I am sending you lots of light and prayers.

~Pidaua

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Sheaa Olein
Knowflake

Posts: 249
From: Another timezone
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 14, 2004 01:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sheaa Olein     Edit/Delete Message
Mary

You pulled at my heart because I know where you're coming from. I'm not sure how to begin to tell you that I understand because I'm not a mother. However father brought me up as a single parent, with the aid of my 'stepmum' - (they've recently split) since I was about 6.

It's so hard judging a situation without the whole picture, but I hope you understand me. I feel your son's unhappiness - and of course your desperation. He must feel like it's on him to do something - he's in the middle and has to please all sides.

I guess talking to him (your son) is the best way forward - I'm sorry I know it may sound stupidly simple, but I know that I needed reasurance that things weren't my fault. Unfortunately I carry alot of baggage with me today, and to make things worse it was brought up recently because of my dad and stepmum's split. So it is important for both of you, for of mind. I can't stress that enough because my heart breaks every time I think back over years of arguments, anger, misunderstandings and heartbreak from jealousy, and possesive behaviour. I couldn't bear to think of anyone going through it.

I feel for you and the agony it must be, trying to get through to your ex-husband. Sadly, my father acted in a similar way - in fact they both did - if the other didn't know this or that it'd be OK - it'd keep them happy, 'don't tell dad this' - or don't tell (stepmum) that' - It was terrible being in the middle because I would always get the blame

Geez Mary, I'm welling up thinking about that and your situ The whole getting rid of the dogs thing, makes me so mad. Really. One of my best friends was telling me about how his stepmum just gave away his beloved dog to the RSPCA one day - because she couldn't stand him waiting for him to come back from work??

This thread isn't about stepmum bashing at all, even though it may seem like it, however experiences relate.

I'm sorry I cannot offer you a suggestion, Mary. I can only add to what the other Knowflakes have posted. It would be unwise (for me) since I don't know the souls involved. However, if you trust your intuition, go with it. Ask your angels for guidance, since they would only guide you into situations for your highest good and learning, even though seemingly devastating

I send you much love in this time. I hope you work it out.

Love Sheaa

------------------
Sheaa Olein, previously Known as the Knowflake 'Special'

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trillian
Moderator

Posts: 2079
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003

posted July 14, 2004 02:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trillian     Edit/Delete Message
Philbird, why on earth does he stay with this woman? Staying with her only sanctions her actions, gives them a stamp of approval.

I ache for your son. Find homes for the dogs. If they have to be given up, contact www.bestfriends.org.

I have little sympathy for anyone who stays in an abusive relationship. 50 years ago, it may have been more necessary, women were not as financially independent as they are now.

I have to agree with Astraldi, these are his problems. They are leaking on to you because of your son and the animals. Do what you can for your son and his precious pets (you can't take them?), and advise the Ex to continue to seek help.

Compassion is a wonderful thing but too much turns into enablement.

for all of you.

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Sheaa Olein
Knowflake

Posts: 249
From: Another timezone
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 14, 2004 05:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sheaa Olein     Edit/Delete Message

------------------
Sheaa Olein, previously Known as the Knowflake 'Special'

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Philbird
Knowflake

Posts: 465
From: Douglas, AZ. USA
Registered: Jun 2004

posted July 14, 2004 11:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
Hello,
I grately appreciate all that has been said. My ex, out of desperation to please this woman, asked me for sole custody of our son. I told him the reason we went to mediation was because we both agreed if either of our situations changed, our son could make a decision about who he wanted to live with.
She is so insecure and jealous, she felt she had the right to block his mail and phone calls if they had sole custody. I did not agree to his having sole custody and he called me to tell me he was sorry he even sent that e mail. Now the dogs. I have a clear picture of what's going on and after much thought, I know where my boundries are. Both my ex and I have spoken to our son about his having a choice of where he wants to live. He has chosen to stay with his dad. I have a feeling he will eventually come live with me. I suggested to ex, to hold interviews with people who show interest in the dogs, and let the kids choose who they like. That way they have some controll over the situation. But yes, she is widdleing down all the "Remnants" of our marriage. That included the dogs. What's next?
Thanks for all the feedback, I appreciate it!
Mary

P.S. Trillion, I understand where your passion is coming from. He has never been in an abusive relationship, and now he has a child with her... as some of us know about relationships, hind-sight is twenty-twenty
and the abuse isn't always obvious to us in the midst of the relationship. We shall see.

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Sheaa Olein
Knowflake

Posts: 249
From: Another timezone
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 20, 2004 07:46 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sheaa Olein     Edit/Delete Message
Hey Philbird, how's things with you? Anything you can share?

Hope things are steady for you though

Sheaa

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Philbird
Knowflake

Posts: 465
From: Douglas, AZ. USA
Registered: Jun 2004

posted July 20, 2004 12:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks for asking Sheaa,
Life is good. I have made arrangements with ex to fly back East an visit my son for a week. Sometime late August. I'll keep you posted.
Mary

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Sheaa Olein
Knowflake

Posts: 249
From: Another timezone
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 20, 2004 09:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sheaa Olein     Edit/Delete Message
Good for you!

All the best with the arrangements

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Australdi
Knowflake

Posts: 404
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2001

posted July 29, 2004 04:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Australdi     Edit/Delete Message
Mary,
I'm so glad that you feel comfortable and more secure within yourself (your post sounded confident and content allowing for the nature of your situation) Your son is blessed to have two very caring and loving parents and your strenght of character (which shines through) will set him in good stead as he grows up.
good luck & blessings, don't doubt yourself, 'cause you seem to have a good head & an even greater heart, which is priceless and precious.
hugs
Aus xxx

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Fox
Knowflake

Posts: 30
From: Australia
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 29, 2004 06:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Fox     Edit/Delete Message
Good Luck Philbird!

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Philbird
Knowflake

Posts: 465
From: Douglas, AZ. USA
Registered: Jun 2004

posted July 29, 2004 10:49 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
In free for all, I had posted more on the subject, I think the first one is "he kept the dogs"
Thankyou everyone for your thoughts and concerns...
Mary

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