posted October 06, 2004 05:24 AM         

i'm walking through a kind of fair grounds place, with crafts and food booths, and games and playground equipment for children. i feel self-conscious, like the groups at the booths are whispering and laughing about me, but i walk on, assuming self-confidence, doing my best to ignore them.

the area is sparsely grassy, with dirt roads surrounding the grassy area, and everything is very spread out (the booths have wide spaces between them). my 2 year-old son is running ahead of me, excited, and i think that as long i can see him he's ok -- he's my main focus.

i'm walking rather slowly as i'm wearing a pair of high wedged heels i recently bought. i also feel kind of uncomfortable and overdressed, with long slacks and long sleeved shirt, because many of the women walking around are wearing only very skimpy bikinis. but i think to myself that i look just as attractive as they do because my hair is very formally coiffed, with decorative string.

soon i realize that my son has run way ahead of me and out of my site and i start to panic. i walk faster on the grass to reach the dirt road, and a short way down the road i see a very large 'tower' -- a platform at least 20 feet in height from the ground. it has one rail around it, and my son -- i'm thinking, 'oh my god, my little baby' -- is sitting on the platform laughing and playing, utterly oblivious to the danger the height poses.

i think he must have climbed up there himself(he climbs on everything he can find), and i start running awkwardly to the structure, begging him not to move. i'm just repeating, over and over, through my tears, 'please be still; please don't move.' he continues to laugh and play.

i then begin climbing the platform to try to reach him. it is like a grid made of heavy rope. it's so difficult to fit my feet in the wedge shoes into the rope rungs. my shoulders feel weak and tired and my arms heavy and sore, and it is agony to try to climb this thing. i'm heaving with fear and effort and tears, keeping my eyes on my son, who's laughing and playing, trying not to alarm him, praying that he won't fall, or try to jump when he sees me climbing up. i keep asking him to be still, saying i'll be there in just a minute.

i'm very clearly and silently telling myself that i can do this, just one foot at a time, that i must make my arms and legs pull up, even though they feel like lead.

finally i reach the top, and i look into my son's smiling, angelic face. just as i heave myself up onto the platform and stand up, i see that my son has climbed onto the railing and is leaning backward, toward the ground.

my heart leaps out of my mouth as i realize that he is about to fall, and the reality of this fall electrifies my brain and body, and i begin to scream silently, (this is so real, i feel that it's really happening)...but at that moment the body i see beginning to let go and fall backward, is not my son's -- but that of a woman! i see only her torso and legs, no head or face. her body is that of an older woman, kind of wrinkly and saggy, but not so very old and it is fully nude.

what??? and just as she begins fall backward, it's as if the picture is shut off, and i wake up, breathing heavily, full of panic and fear for my son....heart beating wildly. and my body feels very sore and fatigued. i felt this way the whole day, my muscles aching and tired.

i can't stop thinking about this dream, re-living the fear and angst for my son, and wondering what the woman's nude body means. i've pondered whether i'm looking at myself, but it's definitely not me, not even what i might look like older. the body is much taller and largely proportioned than i.

posted October 07, 2004 04:32 AM         

What a stressful dream! I have not yet had a chance to really go over it, but there are a few things that stand out to me. There seems to be a transition or change of roles being symbolized, along with a great deal of stress/anxiety. You seem to be having some difficulty adjusting or fitting in, but you are determined to do it.

Does any of that make sense?

I'll give this some more careful thought as soon as I can.

posted October 07, 2004 10:26 AM         

about the transition/role changes, i may be getting a twinkling there too, as well as the fitting in part. not too sure, about these, as they weren't at all obvious, or even anything i'd been thinking about consciously, so i'll have to give them some more thought. but i'm beginning to see what perhaps wasn't apparent before.....

posted October 12, 2004 04:34 AM         

While butterflyeyes does present a good definition, I feel that your son changing into the older nude woman is one of the symbols/meanings that repeats ... to me, this scene reflects a transition you are undergoing, one in which you feel vulnerable, exposed, or ill-equipped (nearly the same meaning when "walking slowly in heels", in that situation). Often a nude symbol such as this occurs in relation to a job or some other work, or school ... is this the case for you?

Saffron, if you want clarification or thoughts on something specific, please let me know.

posted October 12, 2004 09:58 AM         

the main thing...what does it mean that my son was up on the tower, such a dangerous place? that i struggled so to get up to him? that he then began to fall, just as i got to him?

is all this about a "transition"?

posted October 12, 2004 11:24 PM         

I think the fairground kind of situation is where you are right now in your life; the crafts, food, games, and playground equipment for children represents your new role as a mother (first time mother perhaps?) and things that interest you creatively. The groups of people you are ignoring as they whisper and laugh represent people or a person who is/has made you feel insecure about your position in life right now, though you are doing your best to remain confident.

The area that is "sparesly grassy, with dirt roads" represents your environment as being not well-developed or fruitful, almost barren. Everything spread out so far makes it seem as though you feel lonely and isolated. Your child being ahead of you and excited perhaps accurately represents your child; he is a big part of your future and certainly excited at being alive. You feel safe knowing that you can observe him, you have chosen to make him and his happiness your main focus in your life (perhaps even over you and your happiness).

Your uncomfortable clothes and shoes show that you are trying to present an image to the world that is not who you really are and you're not comfortable with that deep down. The women in bikinis perhaps represent to your subconscious a liberated kind of woman in some ways that may seem threatening to you now. You feel the need to keep your confidence in your image almost in spite of them, focusing on your own material appearance. The "formally coiffed" hair is reminiscent of days gone by, ala the Victorians, with their very proper lives, families, and child-rearing practices that seem to many to be a lost ideal, a fantasy, regardless of any reality.

Your son getting ahead of you and you panicking represents a fear that you may have about not being able to look after him properly in his current environment. He, however, is oblivious and still happy in his innocence, in spite of the danger.

Your thinking that he climbed up the tower himself may relate to the idea that he chose this life and this environment for himself and yet also is irrational in "reality" since no child could really, on their own, put themselves into such a dangerous position.

Your climb is difficult, especially with the shoes you are wearing. Your approach to your current situation in real life is not practical. You are truly afraid for your son and, in spite of all your efforts, you continue to fear for his safety. You keep thinking and telling him not to move from his position and to be still until you can save him, even though the effort is wearing you out completely.

It is through sheer force of will that you are succeeding in your situation.

When you actually get to the top of the tower, and are ready to feel relieved, the situation escalates in danger. I feel perhaps this represents that, no matter what your efforts, your child is still in danger or you will always feel that he is.

Your silent scream relates to you perhaps feeling helpless and that no one can help you right now. In reality, it was not your son that was in danger. It was you. Not a version of yourself you'd recognize ... the crone aspect of you, rather an archetype really. She is the old wise healer lady in all of us. Her nudity is her complete confidence in herself and her wisdom. Her falling off the platform, backwards, represents you losing touch with that aspect of yourself ... so much so that you can't even recognize her and and, to you, she is just a "torso ... wrinkly and saggy", a rather disturbing image truth be told.

In the end, the dream suggests to me that you are in a situation where you are placing all your attention on your son, and are worried about his well-being, yet you should be paying more attention to yourself and your power as a woman. It's almost as though you are shutting yourself out "for the benefit" of your child which, in the end, will benefit neither of you.

Don't feel awful about that, by the way. It's common for many first time parents to neglect themselves and their health for their children. Your dream suggests you are experiencing that as well, though perhaps to a higher degree if not physically then mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I hope I have not offended you with my interpretation. You are lucky that your subconscious speaks so loudly to you. It is truly a gift.

posted October 13, 2004 03:32 AM         

Thank you, that was excellent. I especially liked ... " Her falling off the platform, backwards, represents you losing touch with that aspect of yourself ... so much so that you can't even recognize her ..." Very good thought.

posted October 13, 2004 05:47 PM         

******

Aw, geez, thanks, Ra.

posted October 14, 2004 04:11 AM         

I don't think you have stepped on anyone's toes, Eleanore.