posted July 06, 2005 02:13 PM         

I'd like to work out what my recurring dream is trying to tell me. By writing here I feel like it would help me analyze the dream a little.

Some of my nightmares terrify me in reality as much as they do when I dream them. A select few nightmares have made me scared, not because of the unbelievably evil content but because of how real it felt to me.

I once stayed at an old building in my teens which was a psychiatric unit.

If you’re interested in a very brief link: http://www.cs.nsw.gov.au/MHealth/rivendell/rivendellhistory.htm (LEXIGRAMMED: EVIL VENDER?!)

They claim this building was designed to be a place of healing, but when I was there all I felt was others pain, and I felt suicide had occurred there. I considered committing suicide there myself by jumping off the tower once. There was a lot of sadness and a big cloud around the place which I felt was the reason myself and other patients couldn’t make progress.

I can't find a pic of the building at the moment, but in my worst nightmares I am in a huge building similar to this one. I dream the outside of the building as it is but dream the inside differently, I’m not sure of the link between this place and this recurring dream though.

This isn’t always the exact sequence I dream, but it is as close as I can get to explaining the theme.

******THE DREAM******

The building is built very close to the edge of an enormous cliff. It's so high up that when you look down you feel terrified.

The only welcoming aspect outside the building is the sky. It’s stark and clear, and it’s always midnight blue. It’s very bittersweet and temperamental. Sometimes I can go to the edge of the cliff for help and I will be taken away from the horrible building, but usually I am urged to go back inside.

I have a feeling so terrible when I'm inside the building, because I'm venturing into haunted rooms which contain other people's personal things. The rooms have been deserted and there is alot of my belongings there that give me painful memories. One room in particular is the master bedroom (with ensuite), and I know my mother is staying there because her things are there, even though she's not.

I feel very unwelcome, even though I know in the dream that I'll be safest (thought not completely) in the master bedroom. I know when my mum returns to the room that I'll be forced out because she doesn't want me there and I'll have to find the next safest room.

There's evil behind the walls that I sense and hear. I hear cries from below the floor. The walls are white, and sometimes in the corner of the room the walls will separate a little, and I see the darkness, and see that I can go down there into the dark.

I sense disharmony and I hear thumping and screaming, and I know that there is evil happening down there and someone good down there that it's happening to. They sense me there, as well as the evil presence. And I sense the evil ridiculing me and also threatening to cause me pain. I know I could fight it, but I am too scared to approach it and not strong enough yet.

The other evil parts of the house are the hallways, because there are doors lined on either side. Empty hallways and closed doors have always chilled me. In my dream these are like hotel rooms (think The Shining) but I've never been into them and I've never sensed anything behind there.

The elevator which is in the middle of the hallway will either take me to the pool or the toilets.

In most dreams I have experienced the toilets, and I have been to the pools a few times. Twice that I remember most clearly.

The toilets are like the public toilets. When I go to the toilets they are dark, grimy, and every cubicle contains a toilet and shower (very close together). Everyone has to use the bathroom like that. The stall doors are too low so everyone can see you showering and using the toilet. When I'm there I want to leave but I know it's safest in the toilet. It's not safe but it's safest, because if I try and escape it will be worse.

Everyone is unhappy and ashamed that they’re so exposed. They are regretful and want to go to the pools, but they know it is justified and that they deserve to be down there. They can’t get clean, and they are never comfortable. They are constantly suffering.

I experience trying to shower and dress and clean myself up so I can leave but it’s a very frustrating process and I know I can’t leave the toilet block until I’ve done it. The nightmare ends eventually and latches onto a dream but it’s still unpleasant (and frustrating) to dream of so often.

Usually before stepping into the elevator I have to decide whether my frame of mind is going to be positive or negative because when I enter the elevator my mindset will immediately determine where the lift goes. When I try not to be afraid of being sent to the toilets and I beg “please help me and take me to the pools” I go to the pools. When I get there I can’t believe my good fortune, and that it would come to me so easily.

The pools are luxurious, welcoming and brilliant and there are always the strangest oddest sort of people there. I sense that they weigh lighter than human bodies. They are bright and full of spirit.

I've only dreamt of the pools a few times. There's a heated one and an outdoor one. The outdoor one is a lovely huge circular shallow pool rippling and sparkling in the sun and everyone is sitting around with their children and family laughing and being happy.

They're all strangers, which is so refreshing. This is the only place I’ve dreamt of where everybody was doing good. My only truly positive dream since childhood most likely. The people actually appear beautiful, and it's the only dream of mine I remember where people weren't making fun of me, deceiving me and causing me suffering. It's a happy scene. They are interested in me and want to know me and help me.

The indoor pool I think is a bit more sexy and daring. It's deep, and there's always a lot of guys there trying to chat me up. Nice huh? It's also more intimate and confronting, but in a relaxing way. You know if you want something more lighthearted you can always go back outside in the sun.

I don't just feel lucky when I’m at the pools, I feel like I'll never comprehend how lucky I am. I feel like it's too good to be true but I know that the pools will never change.

************

Wow, I just analyzed that somewhat...

** edit

posted July 08, 2005 04:33 AM         

I have a few words (more than a few ) about this dream if you are still interested. I just have to find enough time to type them out. Be back soon.

posted July 09, 2005 03:44 PM         

This dream reflects the conflict you live with mentally and emotionally. The first thing I notice is all of the negative emotions and feelings ... terrified, feeling so terrible, painful memories, unwelcome, doesn't want me, evil, disharmony, ridiculing, threatening to cause pain, unhappy, ashamed, exposed, regretful, can't get clean, never comfortable, constantly suffering ... you poor dear. There is so much pain inside of you, and you want so much to feel normal.

These energies in your life are spiritual in nature, believe it or not, yet very difficult, manifesting on the emotional level and working through the unconscious/subconscious (welcoming sky/midnight blue). You have repressed much energy, much emotion, much experience (haunted rooms), you are somewhat aware of this (painful memories), and just want to work through it.

There is dark, difficult material/energy (evil) hidden behind psychological "walls", concealing the repressed energy which is residing within your subconscious (below the floor), occassionally surfacing in your thoughts (walls will separate a little) so that you can "see the darkness". You know it is there. But the process of understanding all of this is difficult (evil hallways/never sensed anything) because of the very nature of these hidden/secret/repressed aspects of self (closed doors). You want/need to escape from your 'lower, darker' world and be purified by warm and loving nurturing energies (pools), something you lacked in childhood, but you find yourself trying to cleanse and release unwanted material/energy instead (toilets/showers - dark/grimy), and you are having difficulty/frustration in trying to rid yourself of these terrible pains/emotions/experiences as well as overcoming your resultant negative self-image (deserve to be down there).

At the root of all this negativity, it appears, is your mother. It is suggested that your childhood was not very happy, that your mother did not provide the nurturance and love that you required, and this is why you are riddled with self-doubt, why you do not feel accepted, why you feel unworthy and rejected, and why you have such poor self-image. Unlike the pool where "everyone is sitting around with their children and family laughing and being happy", your childhood was quite the opposite, and you long to feel the goodness, closeness, acceptance, and happiness that you did not have.

It can happen. In the end, your subconscious is telling you that a positive life/outlook will "come easily" when you can control your "frame of mind", that it is up to you "to decide whether my frame of mind is going to be positive or negative". As you walk down that evil hallway, open those doors one by one and release the negative energies that resides there, you will become lighter, and taking the elevator up will be a piece of cake. You are right, the pools will never change, and they will be waiting for you as you grow through these very difficult issues.

What do you think?