posted January 18, 2006 01:24 PM         

Ok I don’t know if I was in Oakland or I was some where in East LA (urban and hill-ish). I was on a ‘date’ with a man that was about 57. I am 37 and single. It felt like a date with a nice man but I didn’t really want to be there. Almost like a blind date but I ‘knew’ him a bit. The person in my dream was a man that I see around the hospital I work in. In my dream he was just a character though…I didn’t feel like it was ‘him’ but I did feel like I probably would if we went out.

It was night time and for some reason I was driving but the car was not mine. It felt like a rental. It was a black new either Cadillac or Lincoln. Anyway we were driving down this hill in an urban area. The road was not terribly crowed but there was traffic. He and I were talking in general and I slowly lost control of the car and felt like I had done this on purpose sort of. I turned the wheel all the way and the car slowly began turning around. Now we are driving backwards at a pretty decent speed. Lets say 45 mph. The man I was with was very concern but calm. He said ok there isn’t enough room to completely turn around right here. Next thing you know I’m speeding up and traffic is also driving faster and cars begin to swerve around me…next car crashes happen and then on is so bad that it goes of the cliff. I begin to feel responsible for the swerving of the other vehicles and the accidents.

We get to the bottom of this hill and we are sitting at a very bright intersection on train tracks. We are sitting there catching our breath and I say something like “the accidents were my fault, we should check on the people who went over the side”…he says something like “ok, lets go” I make a turn down some narrow alley type place. He asks where I am going I tell him that I really don’t want to go back and face the people. Some how I get stuck and I can’t find my way out of the alley it becomes like a maze. We get out of the car and I am running trying to find my way out of a maze of backyards. They are not very large and each yard is right next to the other separated by wood fences of varying types. The neighborhood is working class. Not really poor but definitely not well to do. So I’m running around trying to get out of the maze so I can see how to drive the car out. The guy is with me. He doesn’t seem annoyed but he isn’t helping either. At one point I look up and from where I am in the ‘valley of backyards’ on top of the hill are two men. Not homeless but definitely street folk. They are watching me run around and not harmful but not helping either. I get turn around again and look up what would be maybe 10 min later they are looking at me and eating out of the industrial apartment building type trash can. They seem more like vultures this time. I didn’t feel in danger but I needed to get out of there. I went through another backyard ran past and old man and found my way out. The somehow I ended up back to the car and drove it out…everything else is fuzzy

posted January 19, 2006 03:59 AM         

Hello Total Pieces

I should be able to go into more detail later, but for now it looks like you are "in the driver's seat" of a situation (driving car) that is somehow not your own, or maybe temporary (not your car, maybe rental). And you are "handling" it, well, not so well at times, or not too responsibly. Maybe you do not want responsibility for this matter. The maze of backyards could suggest that there is some sort of secrecy or something hidden about this issue, something which is not public knowledge ... like, perhaps you are keeping your feelings about this matter from being known ... something like that.

Does this fit some situation in your life?

posted January 19, 2006 11:56 AM         

Well I guess the biggest issue going on right now is a surgery that I have coming up. recovery ranges from 4 weeks to 8. 24hours-72 hours hospital stay. I work in a hospital so I’m none to pleased (hospitals are great places to get sick…they are full of sick people ) I don’t mean to make light of the ill and I don’t mean to make light of my own situation but the sooner one can get home and on ones feet the sooner one heals.

The Leo and I have parted ways over this situation. It is complicated but I have enclosed the last emails on the subject. So I think it may be this…maybe. I will need 24 hour care the first week…but I want to stay in my own home. The only way this can be done is if someone stays with me. Otherwise I have to go home to my mother. Love her but she will keep me in bed and not let visitors see me much (15 min tops…I know my mother) The only people who can stay with me that my mother will acquiesce to are my friend in NY or Leo from Oakland mainly because they are coming from out of town. Anyone else my mother would take as a personal affront (actually she will be offended anyway but wouldn’t say much so I wouldn’t have to hear it)…any way Ms. NY offered to stay the week but I told her no because she has just started a new job about 3 months ago…Mr. Leo had the time and he is on the west coast. We talked about it. I would arrange the surgery around his schedule (I didn't, he told me not to)…this was back in November. We spoke on the phone about it last week and the conversation that ensued is reflected in our email correspondence….this may be it…maybe…I don’t know…

From: Terrence Montgomery
Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2006 1:10 PM
To: Luke, Amber
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

Sorry there was such misunderstanding over this. I was under the impression I'd be down for the surgery (and a few days tops) and didn't realize till our conversation last week you'd assumed an entire week. And I know I've been many things in the past but that's no small detail I'd overlook. That's a pretty significant undertaking that someone who plans things as meticulously as I do, especially trips and time off from the project, would have mentioned or spoken too.

However, once again, you've made up your mind. So be it. I too now think it best you reach out to those closest to you in the area as I would've tried to offer some possible options but just don't have the energy to suggest anything right now.

Sincerely,
Terrence

At 12:41 PM 1/17/2006, you wrote:
Dear T,

I am upset but like all difficult times this too shall pass. I thought I asked you early on if you could stay the first week and I thought you said yes. I must have misunderstood but that is of little consequence. The reason you gave during our last conversation was not that you could not be off the project for an extended length of time (understandable given what is going on with NASA these days) but it would leave you with only 2 ½ weeks vacation. I'm still trying to come to terms with that statement...that too will come in time.

We have circled back to 'People do what they want' and 'Just because some does the best they can, it doesn't mean it is enough' ...in truth we are at the same impasse...it is just old now....our recent past ...it is like so much cotton candy...distracting but useless...

Thank you very much for the offer of support, it is really appreciated but considering everything, I think I need to do this one with those closest to me...distance not withstanding...

________________________________________
From: Terrence Montgomery
Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2006 10:21 AM
To: ALuke@mednet.ucla.edu
Subject: Good Morning!

Hello,

I hope you had a good weekend and things are going smoothly this morning. After our last conversation I got the distinct impression you were upset that I wouldn't be able to spend a week in LA. I hope this isn't the case though I'm willing to do whatever I can given the time I'm taking off from the project.

I also picked up a new cell phone over the weekend which should allow me to respond to your text messages now!

--T

posted January 24, 2006 04:58 AM         

Well, I can't make any precise opinions based on what little I know of the situation, but the dream does seem to indicate that you are making much of this what it is. I slowly lost control of the car and felt like I had done this on purpose sort of. There are several such suggestions along these lines. Why would someone kind of purposefully lose control? That is a hard question to ask oneself.

Do you see what I mean?

posted January 24, 2006 12:23 PM         

T is definitely a soul mate of mine. I was told once that he and I ‘hang out’ together if we find each other on the same plane of existence. We have been married. We have been siblings, we done most relationships over time. Sounds wonderfully romantic but part of me believes it. When we are together it is so right. I don’t think he is a twin, he is more like…family…he and I will catch up some other time and place…I do feel like I am in mourning though. I have never not had anything to say to him until now. It is like he is dead. This is not a good thing I think. I’ll have to work through that particular ugliness soon…

Thanks Ra,

posted January 25, 2006 10:42 AM         

I'll keep you posted on this one