posted January 04, 2008 01:22 PM         

It has taken me a while to work up the nerve to put this in writing and actual post it on the board. On August 5, 2007 I lost my grandma after a long battle with a dementia related illness. The only way to describe her death would be to say bitter sweet. I miss her dearly but at least I can now rest knowing she is "free" of the restraints that her illness put on her during the last years of her life.
Around the time of her passing I started to become more spiritual. I would also like to say that I am in the process of opening my mind to new things. I was beginning to question all the things I have been told since I was born and began to see things in a whole new light. One of the things I became fascinated with was the spirit world. I wanted so badly to connect with her after she died and even now, I want her to communicate with me somehow.

Not long after she passed I had a dream where I was holding her decomposing body. I was horrified when I awoke. I chalked it up to the fact that I was constantly thinking about her and also thinking about death and in my dream state my subconscious came up with that.

Months later I had a dream where she was sitting in a chair and I vaguely remember my family walking around the room but I was sitting down by her legs and my upper body was sprawled out over her arm (her hands were as silky and wrinkled as I remembered). I was crying hysterically over her. I do remember that in this dream she still suffered from dementia and I was extremely upset that she was still "sick". I woke up the next morning feeling depressed.

About a week or so ago I had a dream about a demon trying to attack me in my sleep. In my dream I was consciously thinking that perhaps I was suffering from sleep paralysis. When the demon started to try and claw at me I then decided that it was in fact not sleep paralysis but an actual demon and so I kept repeating Jesus over and over in my head to protect me and the thing quickly went away. I do feel the need to let you all know that I have been reading about demons and sleep paralysis so I pretty much think that portion of the dream had to do with me reading about that. Also, at the time, I began to doubt my faith in Jesus. I was even more frightened by this dream than my first dream of my grandma. I slept with the cross that was in her coffin (for the wake) on my nightstand so that she and God can protect me while I sleep. I became so horried that I quickly grabbed it and fell asleep clutching it. I then proceeded to dream about her and my grandfather and I knew that like my other dream, that my grandma was still suffering from demenita which extremely bothered me. Her face was also distorted.

I guess I just want to understand why, when I do dream of her, she is still afflicited with the disease and how she is never how I truly remember her (ie - she is either decomposing or her face is distorted). These dreams are irksome to me. So, is it just my subconscious or is something else going on?

I want to thank everyone who read this and to anyone who writes in with their feedback. I truly appreciate it.

posted January 05, 2008 04:55 AM         

It is your subconscious. Your grandma is no longer "sick", and is completely free of her previous physical/mental restraints. It is not she who is distorted, it is your perception of her, which is highly coloured by the intense emotional energies still associated with her memory.

Do not worry, for this will change in time. She will continue to visit your dreams, as she has been doing, and will patiently wait for you to work it out. I'm sure she will do what she can from her side to help you, and you will eventually see her as she really is.

I went through a very similar thing when my father passed, so I know you will see what I mean!