posted December 25, 2008 08:49 AM         

Weird dreams tonight... Not scary though... Only weird, full of layers of meaning that I kind of grasp but don't understand... There were 3 dreams, very different but somehow connected... Plus that tension in my real body that would not let me rest...

Let's see first what happened last night that could have triggered this... or that could explain the reality that the dreams are trying to picture...

Yesterday, being Christmas Eve, I texted this guy to wish him a good celebration... We are kind of nothing yet but getting close to be... I must say that I have a intense psychic connection with him, it has been growing strong over the months, many months I have known him. I even think it was there before actually meeting each other... someone visited me several times in a kind of astral travel experience, but that is another story...
The thing is that I have sensed before when he's very sad... or when I'm worried because he's not contacted me for a long time, I also know that he's fine... It's a kind of gut feeling, something I can't explain but its's there as a certainty... And when I'm not OK and I don't sleep normally, he also can't sleep either, without knowing why... When I'm on my own, I can sense his presence around, sometimes more intense than others... some other times he feels far away...

Back to my story... These days I had the impression that he was a bit sad, only just... a bit, enough to be unconfortable but not worrying... He may not like Christmas celebrations, he would have sound reasons for it... I had not heard of him for a week and then I texted him to wish him merry Christmas. My text was sweet and warm... He took a couple of hours to reply a text that I felt a bit distant, not cold but distant... He always carries the phone with him so I guess he didn't feel as texting back inmediately and may have forced himself to do it to not worry me, to keep me happy... but I sensed even more strongly that he's not quite OK... and that he needs a bit of silence and distance... He'd rung inmediately if he fancied a chat...

I admit I was a bit hurt because I had to wait hours for such a politically correct response... but I ended up settling down and feeling a bit of compassion, understanding that he may not be feeling OK... That he needed a bit of time...

I went to bed... And I dreamed...

Deam 1: I went to visit him at hospital. He was recovering from something major, he was somehow better than he had been but still pale and weak. His family was there. Everybody looked at me expectant, with hope, because I had finally come. There was so much hope in his eyes, as if he was deeply hurt and my mere presence was healing. I didn't even approach him, not look at him or touch him... I was so hurt inside... For me, being there was already such an effort that I felt unable to give more... An then there was my child, our little girl... My sweet and beautiful daughter... I wanted to cry, I could not keep my eyes away from her... as if I had not seen her for a long long time... As if his family was raising her and I couldn't take care of her... She was something between him and me... She could be 2 or 3 years old (curiously the time I have known him... Curiously as well, I have always thought of our relationship as a baby that I was gestating...). I could not stop looking at her, his family was very encouraging, smiling while I approached my little girl... So I sit with her and started talking to her, and then caressing her white blond hair... She wanted to eat an apple that I had so I went to wash it... I had to take the seeds out of her little mouth... "No, no, you don't eat that, sweetheart, you only eat the flesh...". He was looking at us mute with love, with a kind of love that transfigured his pale expression while his family smiled...

Then I woke up, very tense, as if something wasn't right even when in my dream I was feeling good... I thought that he could be feeling miserable... Then I went back to sleep...

Dream 2: High school party... This was weird because the theme in the party was similar but the "he" was an old flame that I still feel a bit resentful against. Maybe that was the symbology behind seing him as that guy... Instead of his family, there were his friends... again looking at me as if " I had finally come!!!", with that hope in their eyes, as if I was his saviour... He also looking at me with adoration, in silence... while I was so hurt inside that I conciously ignored him...

Woke up again... Still the same tense... and back to sleep again...

Dream 3: This was a longer dream... I was black, a beautiful black woman (I saw myself from outside, in the others a was blond, as in real life, and I was inside, if you know what I mean...). I felt betrayed, abandoned, neglected... my girlfriends spent all the dream trying to reassure me, to convince me to start a new life and forget about him because he wasn't valuing what he had. I must have left home... Then I was in that grey, old and poor big room that was my new apartment... Not feeling especially down... Someone knocked on the door... I came out the only room to go to open the front door... The walls in that room were made of bars, as in a cell!!! The actual place looked like jail but it was my apartment, my new place... I opened the door... It was him... Also a black man, not the real him... I felt so pleased, so happy, he came to take me back!!! Again that adoration in his eyes... "Darling, I miss you... I didn't know how much I'd miss you until you left... Please, come back to me...". We kissed passionately, I really desired him... But then I pushed away and said that I wasn't coming back. That I had a new life, that I was in control of it and that I wouldn't let him make me pieces again. I felt that dark pleasure, of feeling powerful for the first time, while I felt I was hurting him... I wanted him to plead!!! To deserve it, to earn it... He stayed there, looking at me, so regretful and sad...

And then I woke up... Still tense!!!

Am I so resentful? What else?

posted December 26, 2008 04:52 PM         

I don't need to come... I'm already here!!! I've been here for 2 years now...

What the dream may be showing is the turbulent and dangerous undercurrent that it's running below my surface...

He needed time and I waited... I said that I would and I have done... I'm still waiting... but I'm starting to be sick of it... I have been feeling more and more abused over the last weeks. I'm greeting my teeth to endure it just a little bit longer, until the time I gave him expires... I know he's hurt, I know he's scared, I may well be his saviour... I know he needs me but what I'm not sure is how long he's planning to make me wait until he lets me know... if he does...

Before, no matter how tired I was... one sweet smile, one soft touch, a tender word and I was so happy that I truly forgot why I felt so neglected... It's starting not to be that way anymore... He's about to come round... and I'm about to tell him to sod off... which would be sad because he's the man I've loved more in my entire life...

posted January 12, 2009 10:52 AM         

What the dream may be showing is the turbulent and dangerous undercurrent that it's running below my surface

You hit the nail on the head with that statement.

There is definately an undercurrent running beneath the surface, and the turbulence and danger are rooted in past lives. Dreams 1 and 2 show us the dynamic that currently exists between the two of you - the pain and the pleasure - the damage and the healing - all rolled into one. Dream 1 hints at the past life root, the child, "as if I had not seem her for a long time". She does indeed symbolize the relationship, and could even possibly be a memory of your actual child.

Dream 2 shows us that resentment (like your old flame) is at the core of the problem with the relationship.

Dream 3 is fascinating. Here we see where it all began. "I felt betrayed, abandonded, neglected." I feel that the descriptions you give are quite literal ... you as a black woman and he as your love. Somewhere in the past, this all occured, and you still hold on to that feeling of betrayal, abandonment, and neglect.

Dream 3 could be seen through a symbolic lens, as representing the darker aspects (being black) of the situation/self and perhaps being confined by this (room like a cell), but to me it seems more literal. Could be both, I suppose.

The way you describe your feelings for this man and the energies/dynamics involved in the situation/relationship sound very similar to Linda's ideas about one's Twin ... do you think this is possible?

What do you think? What do you feel?

posted January 12, 2009 02:44 PM         

I do think he's my Twin. I always knew. I never feared him, since day one, as if I already knew him...
I think his karma is kind of heavy... There are numelogical hints but you only have to look at his life ... He's a truly kind soul, a sweet man, no idea of what he could have done to deserve the sort of test that he got... And then he found me... The tarot said that I'm "The Star" for him, the angel who is here to save him, the light to carry him out of the darkness of his path... He is "The (broken) Tower", like a beaten dog who needs my love to heal.

I also read that your twin may be the only one to help you balance your karma account, to save your soul from falling... the one who follows you from one life to the next, the one who travels with you... who loves you no matter what... however, I'm not sure if this is his test or my own... as I'm the one paying a price in patience and faith...

posted January 13, 2009 01:01 PM         

In the 3rd dream you are a black woman, since this is not your real self, to me it represents the your subconscious self. You said you feel betrayed. And you are living in a cell like home. Also you wanted to hurt him and said he deserves it.

I think you are angry with him, and feel punished by him (jail like room).I think you are secretly resentful about his behaviour towards you. I think in real life you aren't dealing with your frustration about him.

This is echoed in dream 2 with him represented by an ex you resented.

In dream one the child is symbolic of your relationship with him. And she is with him in the hospital, in other word in need of healing. You took the seeds out of her mouth. To me that means you took something you wanted to say out of the mouth, meaning you didn't express it. Since seeds represent grow into new things, I think what you want to express is something about the your relationship, growing or producing,becoming more than it is now.I'm unsure how it fits in. But to say we eat of the flesh reminds me of partaking of the flesh, a Biblical term for pleasure,sex.

posted January 14, 2009 01:24 AM         

So you think this actual guy did abandon me in a past life?

Yes.

So it could be him and no other in this present life who caused the pain??

Not necessarily. While there could certainly be past life pain, I feel something happened in this life, in your childhood, which is providing most of the energy here.

And yes, your girl, which symbolizes the relationship, eats the flesh (sex) because this is what you desire, but you pull the seeds from her mouth, because you cannot allow this desire to bear fruit.

You are deeply conflicted.

But I have feeling you are going to make it through this.