posted January 03, 2010 09:33 AM         

1st dream

I wake up in my actual bedroom... An I feel a body attached to my back... It's unconfortable but I'm not scared so I start talking to him... It was a man, not an "intelligent animal" as Robert Monroe described in his book "Journeys out of the body"... I couldn't really see him but I was convinced of that... Now, this is a bit embarrasing, because I offered to have sex!!!
He corteusly declined saying "No,thanks... You would not like me..." and he let me see one of his legs... It was a man leg... too wiry and hairy... as if it was only bone, long muscles and skin... So I didn't insist (I didn't find it very appealing... ) but we continued chatting.
I moved around, crawling in my bed, carrying him on my back... Finally he detached from me, falling to the floor to let me see him...

He was a normal man, fairly young, not especially attractive but OK... It wasn't that wiry then (???). He was pleasant, a bit crazy but OK... He spoke about funny things, most of them from a world I didn't know but that sounded interesting...

During the conversation, he suddenly yelled in agony... "What's wrong?" I said a bit worried... "It's this old wound!!" He took his clothes off so I could see his ankle (His leg wasn't bony anymore - ???). He had a awful scar, very deep, in his ankle... "How did you do that??" "Hunting... It feels like having a huge ice knife through the bone!!!"
He calmed down when the pain disappeared...

He chatted with me for a while and then said that he had to go... "Are you sure you don't want sex?" I said playfully... "No, no thanks..." He smiled... "Would you kiss me before you go?" "OK..." And he quickly kissed me in my lips, smiled and left...

posted January 03, 2010 09:36 AM         

Later on, after waking up and getting back to sleep, I woke up again... Again my bedroom... It felt real...
I got up and went to the living room... My living room... And then I approach the balcony to move the curtains away so I could see how the weather was like...

The balcony wasn't exactly my balcony... but the street still looked the same...

I went to the kitchen... And it was my kitchen but much more beautiful!!! With multicoloured tiles!!! I went back to the living room very excited!!! That wasn't my house anymore, not in the physical world... It still kept the original shape but was much bigger and was "evolving"...
I approached the balcony again... but it didn't look like it did the previous time... It was now a gorgeous open balcony, made in wood and covered with lururious plants (I think the word in English is 'bower')... There was a luscious garden below in the space that the street was filling before...
I turned around and the living room was now a enourmous open space, a terrace... There were several big white sofas in the middle of it, arranged drawing a square with a low table in the middle. There were two men sitting there...

And I knew one of them... I was truly shocked. It was that man I was in love with... I spoke of him in this forum... Now he is my friend, a brother-like friend, after I discovered that he is into men...
So I said "It's you!! What are you doing here? (in my dream, I was thinking, since I was fully aware of me being sleeping, in a dream or a paralell reality...). He was also surprised, but not to see me...

He appeared to be in the middle of a delicate conversation with the other man... The other man looked at me with deep sadness (brokenhearted? I didn't know what was going on but I sensed something... Was he my friend's lover?).
My friend forgot about him and run to greet me... He kissed me, but there wasn't anything sexual in it... There was a kind of sad joy in his eyes... recovering something lost? the way you look someone ill? remorse?
"You are here..." He completely forgot about the other man, who looked at us hurt but understanding...

My friend come with me around the terrace, taking my hand and behaving in a very tender and affectionate way... not wanting to get away from me one second... with that intense adoring and somehow sad gaze.

He insisted in me accompanying to town... I was't enthusiastic about it but I finally accepted... He tried to maintain a light conversation...
We went into a shop and he asked for something for two kids... "Who for?" I asked... His expresion became suddenly very sad... and looked at me... "One is for my grandson..." Grandson??? We are thirty odd!!! To have a grandchild he should have had a child!!! But he is gay... What did it have to do with me??? He didn't mention the other child though... And he was so downhearted that I didn't want to ask directly...
"Are you OK? What's wrong, darling?" I said stroking his neck...
Pain and desperation bursted out, I saw a couple of tears while he abruptly took of his jacket and touched his own shoulders... "I have so many cysts (???) I wish they would go away..." he cried in agony...
I hugged him, stroking his head, calming him...

We went out... The street was like a caribean one ... wood, vegetation... He took me to the harbour, there was water around... maybe a big river... He wanted me to go with him, he had to go to a meeting, something to do with work (we work together in real life).
I asked how was life there (meaning in that second reality as he belongs to this reality too...) but he understood that how was work... "The same than ever... Meetings, a tough customer... the same than when you were there...". He didn't want to leave me there, he didn't want to go without me...
"Where are we? What is this place?" He looked at me with sadness... as if I had forgotten? did he know I was only visiting?... He said a name I didn't recognise... "Look... I'm here only visiting... I don't belong here... You know that, don't you?" He looked at me in silence... with that sad and loving gaze...

Then that other man appeared... wanting to speak to him before he left... he needed to say something...
"Can you leave us alone just one second? I need to tell him something..." I said... I felt that my time there was finishing... The other man nodded and respectfully stepped back...
"I have little time left... I need to come back... This is not my world, I'm only dreaming... Tell me what is going on..." He hugged me, trying to retain me... With that intense loving gaze, as if he was considering what to say...

And then I faded away waking up straigh away in my bed...

It felt somehow real... I was fully conscious... but it wasn't the same as other 2nd body experiences I believe I had in the past...

posted January 03, 2010 03:48 PM         

I have read your dreams twice and I keep getting same feeling....I think the dreams are about your friend and something going on in his psyche.
The first one where the man is on your back is the part of him that remains foreign to you that is only his (his sexuality) and you offering to have sex with him (how kind of you, )shows you were the initiator of the love relationship ...him crying from the pain of the old wound while he is rushing to leave may show a part of him wants to share something with you....coming back (him on your back)

second dream there is sadness to this dream on his side, and he is trying to contact you...something is troubling him and you will soon know what it is...I felt such sadness from all three of you ... maybe he has broken up with his partner...maybe he is not happy with his partner and he is trying to tell you...maybe they are both facing something sad and he needs you ....any of this trigger something?

I think he is trying to reach you in both dreams....I think you said you work together? Well not sure whether you talk intimately still but I think he is troubled .... actually I got a thought maybe he is longing for you in a loving way...is he sure he is over you?
If that is not it then its stronly a sense of hurting on his part, so again I do think both dreams are about him
What did you fist think of when you woke?

Mystique

posted January 03, 2010 06:03 PM         

It's funny that you said that, that he is trying to reach me... I spoke to him a few days ago and he was fine... he called only to speak to me, to know about me... He could be actually missing me...
I used to be after him, caring for him... But now that we are only friends, I'm more distant...
I'm a bit confused now... when I woke up I wanted to have stayed there with him, hugging him... There was something wrong and he needed me there...
Sometimes it could seem that you are right, that he longs for me in a loving way...
But he is gay. And I have a woman body. End of the story.

I found out but I couldn't believe it... so I declared and he rejected me. I never mentioned I knew the true reasons...
I didn't speak to him for months but now it's all right. I realised how much he cared for me... and I forgave him...
I still love him. A lot. But not as a man anymore. He is not a man. But he is still very important for me... like a brother... we have a strong bond that I don't understand.

You may be right... The man in the first dream could be him too... That man was hidding from me... Not wanting sex, only wanting my company... What does "You won't like me" actually means?
And he finally shows himself to me... Shows me his wound... and accepts a kiss... No sex but love is OK??

In the second dream he behaved as he really does in real life... I still get those adoring gazes sometimes... He misses me, the sweet princess I used to be.
At some point I really thought he was sexually attracted by me... but then...
Do you think he could be in love with me even not desiring my body? Could he be confused?

In that second dream he felt so sad... regretful maybe... but he wasn't telling me... as he had missed me... as if he had lost me in the past... he wanted to be with me... and the other understood that I was important, that even when it hurt him, he had to step back (???)
He wasn't telling me something important, something that had him broken... it had something to do with me... those kids too...
He does behave that way at work... he makes me follow him around in his way to places or follows me around, he comes to my place to see me or rings me up with no reason only to hear my voice...
He likes to be around me... but doesn't want me sexually...

I always thought we had a strong spiritual bond... That I could sense how he was... that we had met while sleeping... But all that stopped when I found out about his nature and knew real love was imposible.

posted January 03, 2010 07:11 PM         

I wonder if that is why he he has this wound and says in the first dream you will think he is ugly....is he secretly gay? Maybe this is what he wants to tell you he loves you and doesnt want you to feel hurt that he rejected you because he wants to tell you he is gay

posted January 03, 2010 07:37 PM         

"you won't like me" .... I think he really loves you for sure and I also think he wants to tell you the truth but is afraid you may "not like him" and "think he is ugly" (the wound that is hurting him)...I wonder if you could have a heart to heart talk with him ....

Since its such a sensitive subject for him how about starting the talk by telling him about your dream....he acknowledges you two have a very strong bond, right? If he knows this and acts the way he does around you then surely he must be trying to find a way to be honest with you....

When you love someone so deeply you want them to know you in all your glory right?
He may feel that you have distanced yourself because you got rejected and its hurting him to know that you don't know the real reason (according to him) and I think he wants you to know...

Could be the kids in dream may show that somewhere inside he has a yearning to have a family of his own....I dont know all I know is that I strongly feel these dreams are about him and you and your bond....how do you feel about revealing these two dreams to him?

This is so sensitive I know...but I get the feeling that with the house evolving each time you changed rooms they became more beautiful and bigger that you are moving on in your life and leaving him behind and he is watching this and may be feeling he is missing a big part of you

posted January 04, 2010 06:20 PM         

No, he doesn't have a clue, doesn't even suspect that I know...
I did ask him once... There were rumours at work, there have always been...
He was livid... and denied everything... And I was as stupid and naïve to believe him... if he had told me then, I wouldn't have wasted more than a year of my life dreaming with him...
He lied to protect his dirty little secret and I paid for it. I'm not going to mention that again... I was open once and that was my reward.
He actually may feel remorse... because he knows he lied... that he encouraged me... to reject me and break my soul... and now he can't even tell me the real reason... and he must think that I feel I wasn't good enough for him...

He is an orphan. He lost both of his parents when he was young. I always thought he would yearn for a family of his own. He is sweet with kids and dogs... But he abruptly rejects having kids. Maybe because he knows he will not be capable of doing it since he is gay. He would have to inseminate a woman...
I never understood why he was so keen on me wanting to adopt a child, when I passionately defended that I wanted children of my own, that I would bear my own kids.
I would be the perfect mother for his children... the only problem is that he doesn't desire my body... At least he was honest enough to not lead me to a fake marriage... he could have used me but finally couldn't...

I deserve much more than that... I deserve someone who can love me completely, as a soul but also as a woman...

posted January 04, 2010 07:08 PM         

I wonder if the 2nd man is an aspect of your friend as well...I wonder if maybe you saying this is not your world and you are dreaming and him being sad is the part of you that is trying to get him to admit the truth to you...him being sad and tearful shows the part of him that knows he has hurt you....the other man coming to get him may be the aspect of him that has made the choice not to be with you because he is gay (2 men showing man to man relationship that he has chosen)

I think you are on the brink of big change in your life "the harbour front' and the "balcony" show you looking to the new you and a new journey

I am so sorry you are so heartbroken steelrose

Thank you for sharing this so openly

Hugs
Mystique

posted January 05, 2010 11:01 AM         

There is little I can add. You and Mystique are truly untangling these dreams.

Steelrose ... you are right about the cysts. He touches his shoulders in the dream because his secret is a heavy burden. And you are so conflicted about your feelings for him. You love him and you say you have forgiven him yet you still hold a great deal of pain and hurt yourself. In the dream you say it is as if your house is evolving ... this is symbolic of your own evolution, your own broadening, opening, and growth (luscious plants/garden). I suspect this is in part because you have forgiven your friend on some levels.

Continue to forgive. As Mystique has so wonderfully suggested, share these dreams with him. You still hurt, and so does he. Heal the wounds by exposing them.

On a slightly different note, you mentioned Robert Monroe ... have you been reading him recently?

Mystique ~ well done. Thank you for helping steelrose.

posted January 05, 2010 12:27 PM         

Somehow he was leaving this 2nd man... things were not going smoothly... as if he didn't care as much for him... definitely not as much as for me...
It was an ending... This 2nd man was hurt by my presence but he still respected me... he knew that I was very important for some reason...

Yes, I need a new horizon... I also feel that I'm looking into a new direction, trying to start over... but he was the one leaving, he took me to the harbour trying to take me with him... he wanted desperately to keep me, while he didn't care much about the other man...

I do love him... but reality doesn't give me much room for manouver. Love is not possible this way. Not true and complete love and I need to keep that clear in my mind for sanity. I would have stayed with him forever but he has not given me a choice. We can be friends but no more. And he wants to be a true friend, he needs to resolve his own issues first.
At the moment we are only work colleagues with a weird connection. He has not even trusted me enough to tell me his truth.
I have forgiven him to the extent of accepting him back in my reality. I'm warm and nice towards him, even caring... I listen to him... I can smile to him without pretending... I accept that he made a mistake not wanting to hurt me, that he truly appreciates me somehow... I think I can say I have forgiven him... but I still feel defrauded... I feel robbed... I feel broken and incomplete after I let him go... I feel empty and inadequate... Because I love him and I can't love him, I shouldn't...
I may tell him my dream, I don't know...

posted January 05, 2010 07:52 PM         

Steelrose, this is such a sensitive issue I know and imho I would say the best way to move on from him is cut out those cysts of his with a knife and tell him straight out...tell him you had these dreams and what you think they are telling you about him and see what he says and how he reacts...if he continues to hide his secret from you just tell you want him to distance himself from you...you want to be his friend but thats it and he must stop acting like everything is fine...this may hurt him but its your truth and only when you can cut him out like that is it possible that he may realize he needs to come clean with you if he wants you in his life. I don't see any other way for you to heal. I think a part of you wants him to know that his lies are hurting you more than anything and that is what you are trying to resolve in your dreams.

I do believe he is trying to contact you in the dreams yes, but your dreams are about YOU and how YOU want to handle the situation. He can continue to try contacting you but once you cut him out it will be him hurting and trying to figure this all out, on his own, not you.
Right now his guilt and pain is also yours you need to heal yourself ... he is responsible for himself.

I wish you healing and light to guide you and like Ra says as well...you will heal and you will love again...
I am just so sorry you have to go through so much pain before you can heal

posted January 06, 2010 05:45 PM         

I think it's his job to cut out those cysts... I'd be invading his privacy. He doesn't want me to know and it's not my business. If he trusts me or not is nothing I can choose or decide.
Those dreams wouldn't stand an explanation without telling him I know he's gay. I'd uncover his secret and he may not be ready. I'll have to explain why I know.
If we want to be friends he'll have to trust me and tell me. I need that proof. Otherwise I'll have to leave, finally I will... Life will make us drift apart... The secret will corrode our bond... and I will be free anyway.

posted January 07, 2010 05:56 AM         

Have you ever tried HemiSync?? I know a place in Madrid where they use this technology with meditation... I have done it once...

One Robert Monroe Institute trainer gives two day courses in that place too...

posted January 07, 2010 09:17 AM         

Love it!

I would also like to do the actual Gateway classes someday. That would really be something!

Maybe we'll see each other 'out there' in the Astral World one day.

posted January 15, 2010 05:24 PM         

There was a lunar eclipse on 31st Dec and there have been a solar eclipse today!!!

The lunar eclipses signal endings while solar eclipses show new beginings... They are gateways for the cosmic energies...

And all these dreams started in the middle ground... closing off issues before I open new ones...

I think they were trying to show me at a subconscious level what I'm growing out of... maybe him or what he meant for me...
I think the bond is compromised... maybe it's no longer valid...

I recently said that I sense more distance... I feel I'm not that close to him as I used to be... I'm not doing it and I don't think he's doing it either, it's just happening... And yes, his secret has a lot to do with it...

I think he will lose me because of that. He will miss me but I think he still chooses that option...

I'm growing out of the shell that made me need him around... His secret is too heavy for me to carry in silence... I'm "evolving"... Like my house in the dream... and in my new conception of life and happiness, he and his secret are no longer acceptable as they stand... I'm starting to feel it... Our bond is fading...

I bet he senses it too. He's not behaving normally these days... He tries to keep me around but he's somehow unconfortable... I think he feels he should tell me the truth... but cannot do it.

posted January 15, 2010 07:41 PM         

Very well done, steelrose, I am so happy you had this insight!