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Author Topic:   Subconscious chaos!!!
steelrose
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Posts: 73
From: Spain
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 09, 2010 01:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
My Godness...

What's going on in my subconscious?? What a night!!!

Lots of dreams, one after another, without waking up... so I have forgotten a lot especially from the first ones. I will summarise what I remember...

1: Training course - the wrong venue

A group of friends from work (they are real people I know) were going with me to a training course. Even some guys girlfriends (I know them also) were attending even when they don't work with us... (For your information, my gay friend wasn't there).
One of them and his girlfriend were going to a different course than the rest of us. We read the address and we thought the venue was the same than ours by chance.
The venue was quite north so the way was long and complex: subway and train, several changes... It was very far away. When we arrived someone doubted so we asked and we found out that their course wouldn't take place there but somewhere else quite south, in the opposite direction
I felt really guilty... I had been the most enthusiastic, ensuring that they should come with us when I wasn't completely sure... because I wanted him to come with us because I get on really well with... but now they had little time left and the place was quite far so they would be late...
We found a direct route so they rushed away trying to make it to the other venue.
We stayed there to attend our course. It's a very beautiful and quiet place, full of forest, very tall trees (firs?), but quite empty...

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steelrose
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From: Spain
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 09, 2010 01:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
2: Girly weekend

I was in a house with many girls, a lot of friends (I don't know them in real life) who were on holiday with me.
This was a longer dream, I don't remember the beginning... people from my teenager years were there, in and out, in and out...

The girls and I were getting ready to go out partying. One of my friends looked like a transvestite!!! Dressing like a woman, with very exaggerated make up... I would have never told, I thought it was a girl before... but then, dressing that way... She was wearing a T-shirt and had boobs...but underneath, she was wearing only panties and a short that looked like undewear with very high heels.
Her legs were man's legs!!! Hairless but quite muscular... She was a man! I couldn't stop looking at her!!I felt somehow disgusted but I lied and told her that she looked stunning. She looked like a transvestite prostitute!! He? She? I'm confused and feeling betrayed (I bet this has to do with my gay friend).

Then, I stepped out of the room because another friend of mine was calling me (I'm not sure it was another one or the transvestite... but I wasn't so disgusted then... she looked a girl again). She wanted me to help her clean her T-shirt off fluff so I started using a lint remover on her, because she didn't take the T-shirt off (???). I got some little balls, some purely white and some purely black (why not mixed?)

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steelrose
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Posts: 73
From: Spain
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 09, 2010 01:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
3: Watching TV in the mountains - Blocked road

I was watching TV with my cousins and siblings (existing in real life). Then there was a musical video where a sixty-odd couple was singing. I remembered having watched them in a documentary being a younger couple. They were pioneers who established themselves in a far away unexplored montainous land with a river. Bang!! As soon as I said it, we appeared in that place, sitting on the rocks and looking to a huge screen standing in the sky!!

It was quite steep, I feared falling so I didn't move... We were at the edge of a precipice.
Some were going to the toilet, for some reason everybody needed a pee!! Then my cousin (she is frequently present in my dreams) wants to go too and as I was holding on to her to keep the equilibrium and not fall, I decide to go with her...

We appear in a road restaurant after driving for a while. It's dark outside. The TV is on so we listen to the news... A strong snowfall is on its way. It's already snowing very hard in the mountains where we were coming from... Roads were being blocked and there is no signal. Our family was trapped there and we cannot go back!!!
I tried ringing one of my cousins (my cousin's brother) - without signal??? - and I got through... He tells me that they are in a hostel in the mountains, that they are going to sleep there. I read on the TV screen that there's no signal up to that hostal they are in, but my male cousin ensure that they have no signal (how was I speaking to him then??), that they are cut off.

I tell him that we cannot come back because roads are cut but that we are fine so they don't need to worry, we will meet in the morning when roads are reopened.

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steelrose
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Posts: 73
From: Spain
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 09, 2010 01:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
4: Worms in the kitchen

In the dream, I found a big pile of white worms in the cupboard (I must say that I found a sugared sunflower seeds bag full of those worms yesterday in my kitchen cupboard... I have been finding some one off worms once and again over the last months in my kitchen... I don't know where they came from, maybe from a pistaccio nuts bag I brought from a turkish market in Istambul last summer... They have been feeding on the nuts I keep in the cupboard and I appeared to find their nest yesterday).

I put them on the worktop and killed them all and wipped them... But later on, I found on that worktop a really long one... 15cm long (6 inch aprox)... I must have thought it was a piece of thread... I killed it but then I discovered it had generated more tiny worms!!! I killed them... but now, the kitchen cloth I use for breadmaking was contaminated... I'll have to wash it and disinfect it!! I need some bleach...

I took it and looked for the washing machine... I opened the first door: it wasn't the washing machine, it was the oven... and it was full of worms!!! Some were dead, but many were alive!!! Black and white... I threw them to the floor to kill them... I opened the washing machine and there were worms there too!!! (in a side of the kitchen where my real oven and washing machine are not located).

I started to panick and called for help... My cousins appeared to help me.

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steelrose
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Posts: 73
From: Spain
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 09, 2010 01:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message

Then I woke up... I got up and took note of what I have described above. Then I went back to sleep. I had many unconnected dreams with no real storyline... In one, like in the "Parallel worlds" dream I had a few days ago, I woke up and went to my living room... I had a missing call, my phone was flashing... My gay friend name was registered!! I felt uncomfortable... He doesn't have my home number... and I don't have his... so, how could have he called me? and, how could I have his number registered so my phone recognised it?
Another one was about my esteticist injecting me some substance in my legs, some kind of tensor, to make me look like a model (which is strange because I'm OK with the looks of my body... I think I have a good figure...). My legs were full of bruises (I tend to get some there because I tend to walk into things and I easily bruise because my skin is quite white and thin but it was striking tht amount of them I had in the dream...). My esteticist also tried to insert some kind of dispositive in my belly button to "make me more symmetrical" (???).

WOW

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seeker3030
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Posts: 48
From: UK
Registered: Dec 2009

posted January 10, 2010 05:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for seeker3030     Edit/Delete Message
1) The journey and destination are far away in your subconscious because you feel perhaps that the goal (the enlightenment/knowledge you seek) is not easily within your reach. You must go on a quest of sorts to find it and endure a long journey to achieve it. Now don’t take this the wrong way but I wonder if part of your subconscious deliberately made them late in order to ‘hang on’ to him a little while longer?? The guilt you felt may be two-fold: for causing them to be late and for trying to interfere with their journey together?? Don’t feel too bad – it was a dream and you showed yourself that it would be wrong to try and direct another’s course; I’d say you passed your own test The beauty of the place reflects the beauty of knowledge and enlightenment I’d say and the emptiness? Well perhaps you feel alone in your quest at the moment? Maybe these are lessons that only you and a few select friends are on the path to experience? Tall trees reminded me of ‘pillars of wisdom’ a little – often found in old universities and places of learning 
2) The first thing that springs to mind is that the balls were black and white not mixed because that’s how you’re seeing her/him. One minute it was clearly a man dressed as a woman, the next she’s a woman pure and simple. I think this is definitely to do with your gay friend and you’re trying to make sense of who and what he is to you. Female/male, friend/lover – the disgust is to do with your feeling of almost betrayal perhaps because you can’t quite get a confirmation of what he’s trying to be to you?? So in the dream he/she appeared as someone who looks to be prostituting themselves. What do prostitutes do for money? They assume a role – the role is usually one of fulfilling someone else’s needs or fantasies and I think your subconscious made him into a woman (all be it not a very convincing one) because you’re now trying to see him as a friend, so it made him a woman to take the sexual/romantic temptation and confusion away. It just didn’t do a very good job because nothing in this world in fact is merely black and white – we’re all a little of both, so the edges got blurred.
3 and 4 to follow!

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seeker3030
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posted January 10, 2010 05:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for seeker3030     Edit/Delete Message
3) I think this has to do with a feeling of familiarity and connection with your family – it’s going to take a few more readings to really get to the heart of it for me but the fact that you were on the edge of a precipice and feeling unsafe/unsure/trapped/cut off/without a method of contact means to me that there is an issue in your life which is making you feel worried and unprepared. It’s making you feel as if you’re in danger of falling over the edge. However what this dream showed you was that no matter where you are or what you face, you always have the people that matter to you close and in easy reach, even if there is ‘no signal’. You have support.
4) Now this one’s interesting and I may be barking up the wrong tree completely but this is what popped into my head when I read it. In old myth and legend the worm (or wyrm as it was spelled in those days) was synonymous with dragons... the old way/knowledge/magic etc. The new religion came in and ‘slayed’ the dragon of the old way and put itself in place. I have a feeling that this dream is possibly your subconscious taking the image of the worm (something you know about in your store cupboard but didn’t want to confront, and what is a subconscious but a store cupboard of everything we have within us?) and forcing you to deal with the issue, placing it everywhere and in everything until you ask for the help you need to meet it head on and deal with it/learn from it. Now what’s really interesting to me is that the old ways never really died out – they’ve kept breeding and nestling into find their place in today’s world so I wonder if it’s not so much a case of killing the worms as one of having the courage to listen and see what they’re trying to tell you and incorporate it into your life in some way? Of course the worms in your actual cupboard had to go bless their hearts... but the wyrms in the cupboard of your subconscious? Well they may yet have a place in your journey towards knowledge/enlightenment???
The others that you mentioned seem like echoes of the themes in the other dreams... worry/confusion etc. Will have a read of those in more detail and see if anything springs to mind. Hope that’s helped a little? Just what came to mind on reading them.

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Mystique
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posted January 10, 2010 08:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystique     Edit/Delete Message
Hi steelrose

I just have one thing to add to seeker's amazing interpretive skills
Well done seeker

The worms are also symbolizing a new beginning is at hand if only you can let go of the pain...they are found in the decaying part of the process and your wound may be trying to heal but you need to let go of something. Once you do the worms have nothing to feed on thats why in your dream you are so desperately trying to kill them...you want that wound cleaned. Worms are also symbolic of the new beginning round the corner. Example the earthworm helps fertilize the soil in which new growth will happen in the Spring. So I think the fact that you actually found the worms in your kitchen and then also dreamt of them is your psyche trying to show you the importance of letting go of hurtful thoughts and feelings.
I know we have spoken of this in the other threads and I know how sensitive this is.

What do you think you are still hanging onto with regards to him? Whatever the answer you dont need to reveail it but whatever the answer is then work with it and let it go. That is what you are doing in your dream so you are half way there. Now you just need to do this in your waking state

Mystique

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steelrose
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Posts: 73
From: Spain
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 11, 2010 02:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
WOW, guys!!!

Seeker, I'm impressed...

My comments:

1) Yes, I do feel that the goal is out of my reach, at least now... quite far from sure...
I'm trying to redefine myself, go back to track... I suppose I'm hanging on to some old patterns because I'm scared... I'm not yet confident.
Another's course?? Sometimes I fight with that idea in my mind... wishing I could but at the same time knowing that I can't and sadly acknowledging that I shouldn't.
Emtpiness, yes... I feel so alone, I feel that this is my journey and nobody can understand it, that nobody can really help me...

2)I suppose you are right... Black and white... That's the plain truth... I see two sides of him, irreconciliable and opposite. On one hand my beloved soul, so warm and tender, the special man I have that intense spiritual bond with,
the person I feel can sense my nature... and in the other hand, the lier and low ******* who used my presence to feel warm and cared for, not wanting to know about my obvious feelings, who betrayed that special bond and perverted it, a coward unable to stand for his own nature... I still feel repulsed by his homosexual condition, I somehow feel him dirty... I'm OK with the rest of gays in the planet, but he somehow betrayed me by being one of them.
He killed my dream... I have never felt as close spiritually as I felt with him, but all that now feels irreal.
Black and white (like the worms)... A friend (normal woman) and a pervert (half woman, a transvestite). What you said about the image of the prostitute is true... he's assuming a role, prostituting his true self, in front of the world... in front of me... to fulfill my fantasies? Fantasies of a family and happiness.
Yes, I fight against seeing him as a potential partner. I need to forget he's a man. Becase he looks like one but he's not one.

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steelrose
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From: Spain
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posted January 11, 2010 02:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
3)Over the years I keep dreaming with the same family members, my cousins and siblings (in fact I grew up with them, making us almost brothers and sisters). In the past, they have always been seen as part of my own psyche in my dreams... Does it make sense?
I don't think it means connection with my family or familiarity... It's more to do with aspects of myself but I don't know how...
I do feel worried and unprepared... to face my new reality... I do feel cut off, unable to connect.

4) Dragons?? Could that meen that something is eating me up? My dreams, my life project, my beliefs... that they are being recycled (as Mystique suggested?? ) The hidden and silent enemy...
What does the kitchen symbolise, the heart?? Worms in my heart... That's the way it feels...

Mystique... Let me think, I need to put in words what I'm still hanging onto with regards to him... It's in the lines I described above regarding dream 2... but I need to give it a thought, to bring some order in my confused soul and broken heart...
I'll be back...

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Ra
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posted January 11, 2010 11:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
Archetypally, the kitchen is the heart of the home, so yes, the heart.

Black and white worms, negative and positive, opposing energies, confliction.

Makes a lot of sense.

Then in dream 2 you are confused, no doubt about your feelings about your gay friend. Again, black and white lint balls, opposing energies, confliction.

The order you seek is working itself out, slowly but surely.

Seeker and Mystique! ...

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seeker3030
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posted January 11, 2010 03:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for seeker3030     Edit/Delete Message
Very glad to have been of any help and Mystique I think your take on the worms dream was spot on!!

xx

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steelrose
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From: Spain
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posted January 11, 2010 06:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
Mystique... I have been thinking... I'm still hanging onto that image of him, that dream... I believed that love, true love was possible... I had a fairytale, I thought I had it... It was magical... that bond... I thought that I found my twin soul...

All my life I have been waiting for that kind of love to come my way... There is something inside me, something that promised me someone of that nature to come... I sensed it was him...

But it wasn't... And I feel betrayed... I sense I have lost my only chance, and it wasn't even my fault... I couldn't do anything to change that truth. And it's so unfair...

When I woke up that day, there was a song on my mind... I kept singing it... "What can I do" by The Corrs... What can I do to make you love me? / What can I do to make you care? / What can I say to make you feel this?...

I feel ended... as if all was over now... there's nothing more to wait or fight for. And I know it's not his fault being gay... but I cannot imagine living this way forever, without that kind of love... I have to renounce, but I suppose I struggle to let him go...
I will have to accept that that sort of love is not real... or not for me... That heterosexual men would never be that tender... That kind of bond is virtually impossible to replicate... I think that is what I'm hanging onto... What I thought it was magic.

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Mystique
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posted January 11, 2010 08:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystique     Edit/Delete Message
For some reason it won't let me reply maybe its cause my reply is too long, lol...I will try again

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Mystique
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posted January 11, 2010 08:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystique     Edit/Delete Message
Hi everyone

Steelrose

I noticed you disagreed with seeker on the 1st dream which you yourself named "the wrong venue" and I think this is important for your healing process that you did that
(Seeker its not that you were wrong but what you said triggered a reaction from steelrose ...and I'll explain why I think this is


The couple that went in the opposite direction than what you were hoping, what you thought should have been where you were going was the image of where you were hoping you and gay guy would end up.
You didn't stop them which is your way of saying that you know that couple image does not belong with you now....you let go and like seeker said you passed the test.
Where you are in the forest is beautiful and feels empty because of your sadness you feel now that it won't be the way you thought between you and gay guy. But you still noticed how quiet and beautiful its in this place as well...you just need time to heal as you learn to love again (training course)

Do you think this makes a little sense now?

continued....

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Mystique
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posted January 11, 2010 08:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystique     Edit/Delete Message
cont...

You are heartbroken sweet steelrose but it will not always feel this way but it is going to take time and I hate saying that it sounds so cliche but it is the truth.
You will heal you truly will!

I have to say this though and I hope you won't take offense but I really feel a big part of you healing is him coming clean and admitting who he is to you.
Right now its still festering (decay - worms) within you as a secret that you have to keep for his sake.
I think you are being very loving to him by doing this and you are protecting him but do you think that maybe you need to stop protecting him and just lay the cards on the table with him?
This is just my feeling and what I would do and its just a suggestion. I know I've brought it up before and you don't want to do it but please can you consider how it may help you....I hate to see you hurting so much

The right man is out there for you, steelrose don't think only gay guy was tender with you, that was the illusion. That man who is deserving of you and how special you are is real and out there when you are ready
Your goal now is to heal yourself, take care of steelrose and you do what you have to to heal yourself...that is your "training course" right now.

Mystique

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seeker3030
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posted January 12, 2010 08:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for seeker3030     Edit/Delete Message
Here here Mystique!!

"The couple that went in the opposite direction than what you were hoping, what you thought should have been where you were going was the image of where you were hoping you and gay guy would end up.
You didn't stop them which is your way of saying that you know that couple image does not belong with you now....you let go"

Totally agree - much better reading of it!

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Mystique
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posted January 12, 2010 07:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystique     Edit/Delete Message
Hi seeker
its a different approach to your equally helpful one

The key here is we are all helping steelrose sort through these dreams so look at it this way if you hadn't said what you said then steelrose would not have reacted to it, I would not have noticed there was another piece to the puzzle...see?

So, thank you!
Mystique

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steelrose
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Posts: 73
From: Spain
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 13, 2010 02:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
Hi guys...

Thanks for all this. It does make sense...

The empty forest, so beautiful and silent... Inner peace and wisdom? Not necesarily love... I don't think I will get another bond like that in my whole life... I am learning, I need to learn howto cope with life now, yes... That could be symbolised by that training course...
The couple... yes, it could be... The guy in the dream is a friend, someone I like and appreciate... I suppose I did feel I had to let him go, feeling sad, losing someone important in the group, because it was his path, not mine anymore... and he went away happy with the love of another...
Worms are eating my heart... I suppose what I'm trying to put into images is that all that inconditional love, the unique bond is decaying. My own values, my view on love is rotting.

I saw him yesterday after more than 3 weeks. I feel the secret interfering... I feel the bond disolving... the distance between us... love will not survive... I think he senses it.
It's on him to do that, it's his choice... because it's his secret...
I played with words, said something obscure, I looked at him in a way, almost insinuating... assuming I knew about his true nature... and for a split second he looked at me and... I felt a message across, something "you know then??" I think he discarded it straight away...
I will pass subtle messages, I will try to tell him at a subconscious level using the bond... with my behaviour... but finally I will need him to tell me... to trust me... to show me that he believes in that bond and it's worth keeping.

It's not that I'm protecting him... It's something beyond... There's a kind of pact of honour... of respect... When you love someone it's what you do. He has a right of not wanting to tell me... It's his choice... and he will have to assume the consequences.
This, me respecting his limits is part of the bond... If I strip off the truth I will have perverted the connection. I will have to heal respecting that, accepting his decision and way of action, acting consequently.

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Mystique
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posted January 13, 2010 07:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystique     Edit/Delete Message
Steelrose

Mystique

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