posted January 02, 2011 06:55 AM            

The first stage of it was is very dim… I hardly remember… It had to do a friend of mine who is living in the States with her American husband and their 3 year old boy. She’s currently 6 months pregnant… In my dream she lost the baby, it was (I think) malformed… maybe it was that the creature was only a foetus and appeared malformed to me… I don’t remember the time sequence but I think her husband also died…
I was sad for her but I thought that life is that way, what you have today can be taken from you, that you are never secure or safe… I was sorry for her but not specially touched… as if it was far enough…

Later on I was organising my wedding. (not that I have any boyfriend to even consider it in real life). I was quite excited about it!! It was my dream, at last I could get married!!
My family was helping me with it, specially my mother and aunts (no female friends… curious). I remember my unwed aunt asking me to sign many blank documents… I was in a hurry and signed everything since I needed to go… my dad was taking me somewhere… I kept signing and signing but there was always more… I started to grow suspicious… Why did I had to sign so many things that were blank or that I couldn’t stop to read? My mother justified it saying that it was only the paperwork for the town council (or church), to get the permits and so on, to relieve me from the administrative work… but there was something that didn’t ring true… However, it was my family, what harm could they be trying to do? My own mother… And also I had to go… I needed to brush my teeth but they wouldn’t allow me since I had to leave it all signed before I left.
All the plot took place in a house made of rooms taken out of the real places where my family lived when I was younger… My parent’s bedroom before I was 19, my aunt sitting room…

posted January 11, 2011 06:48 PM            

What about losses? deaths?

posted January 12, 2011 06:36 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by littlecloud:
Tell me more about your relationship with your friend in the states.

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She's a friend from Uni. She used to be quite a difficult girl, very intelligent but with a bitter streak... 6 year relationship with a man she didn't love while she was studying... then goes to the States for a short stay and falls in love with an American guy.

She left his boyfriend on the phone because he was travelling there to visit her and she was already living with the other guy.

I never saw her that happy. She even sweetened!

Sold everything, moved to Spain and got married... Baby and back to the States because he wasn't getting into Spanish life and culture.

She left her family and friends back here. She has been there for 2 years now and is expecting their second baby.

posted January 13, 2011 03:32 PM            

And here I am... Recovering from depression, abandoned by them who went away to be happy and have interesting lives, alone, and fighting against a family I never chose.

Yes, swept away by life... I deserve it too, much more than the most of them... I have fought so hard to stand up...

I'm starting to accept that this is what I have, that I gain nothing comparing myself with others, that my lifepath is unique and worth fighting for... My task here may entail this struggle in order to get a precious piece of wisdom that others won't have or need.

I'm breaking old conceptions and ties to my family models... It's hard work but one day I may succeed and find happiness.

My experience regarding meaningful dreams such as this one is that they usually carry an encoded message from my higher self, a warning or tip... something coming up...

What do you think it is? What is the lesson? What is the sign, the piece of advice?

posted January 14, 2011 01:45 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by littlecloud:
How did you feel in your dream when you stormed out of the place? When you woke up?

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Furious, outraged, insulted and hurt when I stormed out of the place... Angry and indignant when I woke up, which lasted for a while...

posted January 14, 2011 12:52 PM            

Whatever the cause of your issues may be you obviously have not come to peace with them. You are still very angry and bitter about it. If you haven't already maybe you should confront your family and tell them how you feel. If you have already attempted to do this and have yielded little or no results your frustration, anger and above all else, hurt have no doubt increased. You could attempt to keep trying to reach an understanding but ask yourself what goal you are trying to reach. The past cannot be undone, obviously (sorry for the cliche), but better understanding your purpose can help you communicate better. It will allow you to be more open, to get your point across more clearly and be understood better. If all this fails, then you have one option left acceptance and forgiveness. Both are not easy whatsoever and can take years to accomplish. Unfortunately this is the only way to get some progress going otherwise you might just find yourself repeating the same mistakes your family has down with you and you with them. You may not feel like you have wronged them but maybe you have. When resentment builds up people tend to retaliate in little ways, snide comments, name calling, food poisoning. (Joke!!) Anyway all this does is create a cycle and you end up a hamster on a wheel, the angrier you get the faster you spin it.

One thing you should keep in mind as far as other people's happiness is that you may not know what they have been through. What inner demons they had to fight. Even if they seem small to you, they are probably bigger to another person that doesn't know how to deal with them accordingly. I used to be the same way. Resenting others for their happiness until I realized what wasted emotion it was. What did I get out of hating the happily married couple for being happy? Nothing. In fact it just bred more resentment and hurt. So instead I started being happy for them. I started thinking it's great that they found someone who they can be happy with and it keeps me believing in love. In the possibility of finding my own happiness, your own happiness.

I always try to understand the reason why. I feel like it gets me halfway through whatever it is I need to get through. Once I understand why something is the way it is it's much easier to handle. Like I said this isn't easy and it won't happen overnight but at least consider what I said even if you're not ready to forgive just know.

posted January 15, 2011 06:55 AM            

This is part of what the dream shows... the female force trying to manipulate me... my mother's family...

I've been rejected all my life, in a very subtle way... I'm not yielding to that anymore... and I need to prepare myself to leave them behind if they don't accept who I am. I haven't confronted that mentality yet but I will one day, when my feeling and thoughts are in order, when I'm prepared to depart if things don't go smoothly. My mother and aunts... even my loving grandma...

You're right... Resentment is huge by now, especially against my mother... I hurt her in many ways trying to get all that pain out. I know this is not right and one day I will have to change the pattern but I'm not ready yet... I have tried to tell her some small pieces of the story but she always denies all and goes into her favourite role: the victim.

I understand what you say about resenting other's happiness. The best I have managed to do is just ignoring it, putting it in the back of my mind and focus on my own issues. I used to try hard to feel happy for them, I did at some point... I used to believe that if that happened to them, it would happen to me... but it doesn't have anything to do with that. Happiness and luck is not democratic. I have some circumstances that they didn't get when we all came here to Earth, that restrict my chances... Souls are different... I may have something tougher to learn, I may need more effort... Until I don't get some things done, my chances are null. And resenting others will not help but believing in chances either. Life is not fair, not all get the same opportunities, or the same conditions or the same gains... not everybody needs the same lessons every time.

I'm working to understand... I'm getting some professional help through several therapies to do so... I hope I will one day. I have no choice. It's either that or becoming another image of my mother and I would prefer dying to do so.

Regarding doing new things...You are again right about being in a rut... I used to have many plans, many friends and things to do... but they have progressively dissappeared getting boyfriends/girlfriends, getting married, having children... In two years time, I have gone from having a very active social life to nothing... my own life events haven't helped... those circumstances together led me to depression... I have been locked at home for more than a year and I learnt to enjoy solitude... Now I'm at the resurgence point and shyly starting to fancy getting out back to the world... I'm exploring options but I must admit that I'm kind of scared...

Forgiving myself... That's what I started doing year and a half ago... Learning to like me and being loving towards myself, being understanding and forgiving, supportive, encouraging, positive... being the mother that I never had. And it's working nicely!! I feels less anxious and overall happier when I'm on my own...I feel much better on my shoes now than I have ever felt...