posted December 27, 2011 05:39 AM            

the doctor has been saying it's a wonder that she is still going. it's solely her will to live. at this stage, it would be impossible that she is still eating (though getting less and less). but finally she is becoming weaker. she has pain and they will start using stronger painkillers, and she occasionally eats ice cream or fruit juice. she herself probably feels that she isn't going for long, although she believes it's an old age thing.

i am on the other side of the world though and i have been in a close contact with my auntie. bless her.

this morning i had a dream... i was at a bleak train station in my grandma's country, and i was wearing a school uniform. the train was supposed to come hours ago but today it did not come. i waited a few hours, dozing off on the bench at the platform. when i opened my eyes, the train was there and before i was awake i ran inside so not to miss it. it was 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

immediately i realised that i left my school bag on the bench. i thought i'd get off at the next stop, but i was daft and missed it. but anyway, the train ran only every 30 minutes or so, and i decided no one would take a school bag with textbooks inside at an empty train station. probably someone at the station will set it aside and i can go get it later.

the train was moderately occupied, although i did not see any familiar faces. but diagonally before me was my grandma, patiently sitting, waiting for hours at the seat. i wondered how she was feeling. my auntie was directly before me too, there were no one else sitting around us but we were not sitting next to each other. we leaned out from our own seats and talked to each other.

at first i was worried about my grandma, how could she just patiently sit there with her condition. however she sounded quite well, she talked with us like she used to, and was her nonchalant self. she was going home on the train (she has been staying at the elderly home for 2 years and her house is pretty much deserted). there seemed to have been delays with traffic (a bit vague, wan't clear exactly what it was), and she talked about going to the dentist tomorrow. then she said she doesn't need a ride, she can maybe go by herself. but me and my auntie knew that she wasn't going to the dentist (because she will not be alive by then, or not fit enough?).

i woke up and knew what this dream meant. all the signs are there, the train journey, delays (prolonged life), us not sitting with her (it's only her who's going), her "going home".

it's really sad. but i'm thankful she appeared in my dream this morning. i sent my auntie a message immediately after, and she said she's sitting beside grandma and she's sleeping all day most of the time. i hope grandma met me in her dream too.

i wonder though, what did it mean that i left my bag at the platform? does this mean that i still have things to take care of in this life and i'm not the one who is going? but by the end of the dream, i was thinking i didn't remember which station it was that i left it, and was caring less and less about the bag...

posted December 27, 2011 02:16 PM            

that's a sharp observation about the dentist and inheritance. i don't know if she has written her will or not but i already know this will cause problems. she probably knows that too.

this is going to be a slight rant but i keep it short. i have no one to talk about this and i guess it's a bit of a stress, although i don't want to care, and will stay out of this.

my mom is a paranoid borderline and when grandpa died (i wasn't there), she decided to be absent despite she could have been there. at the funeral she acted as if she took care of everything herself, i heard. this time too, since grandma may go any time now, auntie contacted my mother but she told her she is not feeling well. she uses her cancer treatment as an excuse for everything, despite the operation a few years ago was a total success and i presume her treatment period is almost over. how ill can she be to not be able to make it to be by her own dying mother? but i don't care. it's probably better without her because she's a source of stress for everyone.

auntie's by grandma's side alone now. when she goes, her house will go on the market and also the elderly home refunds half of the deposit to the family, which my mother has arranged to go into her own account. this was briefly brought up between auntie and mother, but she acted as if she didn't know what it was about. there's no one else in the family.

i have come in terms with my mother's psychological illness (she does not know that she is BPD and would never accept that, she'd accuse me of making her a psycho. so she is not getting any treatments). and i honestly don't really care that she didn't even care to contact me about grandma, i heard everything from auntie. she has cut contact with me 2 years ago because she has come to a conclusion that i am a terrible child who ruined her life (em hello, that's the other way around! ). she said she wanted me to send her a written statement that i am not her child any more. it's just the BPD, she makes everything a drama. i just ignored her and since that day accepted as my mother has died. she doesn't know that my auntie is in contact with me.

my father has no ear hearing about my mother. we are not that close anyway, so that's that. it's really ironic because out of 3 of us who are left off grandma, me and auntie are really living at the periphery of poverty. my mother blackmails her second husband and has never had any problem with money, having 2 places to live and doing nothing but "fight cancer" and play with her dogs. i am NOT spiteful, it's just absurd. i feel so sorry for her and i miss my "mom". anyway, neither me nor my auntie, despite our predicaments, are attached to money. if money goes to my mother and she feels all the right to keep it all to herself, we rather stay very far away from her than getting any of the money.

i feel like i'm afloat. it's SOOOO cliché but the thought "what is life all about" is circling in my mind. i wonder what we are really here for. i feel like i could just take a little lift and "rise above all", and then nothing matters any more, why suffer, why bicker and hate, why worry when the future is uncertain...

i'm a bit emotional, recalling the memories of childhood when i was still oblivious of the grimy family history and secrets. i may never see my grandparents' house again. once sold they'll probably build a condo there, it used to be surrounded by a green park and crop fields, but last time i was there i did not recognise the neighbourhood until i stood in front of the house. it's my birth town but the name is not on the map any more because they joined with next towns. i was only born there, but out of all the places i have lived, this was the place i felt "rooted" spiritually the most.

posted December 27, 2011 03:09 PM            

I'm really sorry to read about your mom's behavior... I know how that feels (my mom is a narcissist - ha a paranoid and a narcissist would make great company to each other! Yeah I know how the kids "pay" the enormous karmic debts of their parents. Both my parents are oblivious of the harm they inflict on me and if I do as much as try to explain how I feel, they make me feel guilty. I think deciding that she's dead is the best decision you've ever made in your life to protect yourself psychologically for the "gap". I am doing the same.

Keep in touch with that auntie. That's so fantastic that you seem to have found almost a "surrogate mom" in her. And that you two share similar values about money says a lot.
Hope it turns out well for you. I'm reminded of a reading I gave you sometime in Nov but I'm going to let things play as they will. Never tempt fate.

posted December 27, 2011 06:44 PM            

would you like to see my composite chart with my mother? i'm not asking to interpret, but it's REALLY creepy and interesting at the same time. i have NEVER seen a composite anything like this.

posted December 28, 2011 06:13 AM            

my mother's TOB should be more or less accurate, if not correct. with her personality, it might be possible that she told me an "off" time, but i know already she was at least born around the time frame and it falls in there. she is an astrologer so someday if i ever get a chance to secretly find the charts she drew i can check for accuracy...? i'm pretty sure this is correct, if not, still can't be more than 1 hour off. but in that case her moon may be in Gemini instead of Cancer, which may be more fitting...

my auntie doesn't have any children, she never married and people kind of see her as an eyesore. i've heard people say she's stupid, lazy and a loser. how ironic, i find that she's most sane out of all those people! she just lives her life the way she wants, and THAT is the most important thing, regardless of the level of success. people fail to see that. she's feeling fine with her life. sure she wishes she had more money, but it's not depressing her. i love her attitude, she says "why eat 'healthy' but un-tasty food, and not smoke to be healthy/prolong life, and work till one drops dead? i don't want to live a long life unnecessarily. people get cancer and banks go bankrupt regardless. i eat junk and smoke now because i enjoy it, don't care what happens tomorrow. i lived carefree all these years, i have no regrets if i die tomorrow".

posted December 28, 2011 08:04 AM            

Email me when you can.

posted December 28, 2011 08:11 AM            

you are a sweetheart anongrl.