posted September 20, 2014 03:27 PM            

I don't dream much, or better said, I don't remember much of what I dream, so I'm not often in here. Sometimes I have nightmares, some are flashes or some sort of metaphoric representation of my childhood abuse(s). Not sure what the one last night was, I don't remember anything the like happening to me. But I am freaked out that it's a recurring dream. First time it happened, I didn't give it much thought, though it did a number on me emotionally, but last night.. when I woke up and realized what had happened, I was scared out of my brains.
I don't remember the first part of the dream, all I know is that I was in a room with other people, I think all female and it wasn't my house. An office or smth but not sure. I was writing something, filling a file or something like that. This man comes in and starts shooting, just like that, no warning, no justification, just a random act of violence; he started from the left part of the room (my right) and killed some of the women there. There were two girls immediately to my right and we all fell to the ground. It seemed like it took me forever to reach the ground and I was thinking I am going to know what it feels like to be shot, it is going to hurt like hell and I am going to bleed a lot; I was scared but not really, it's as if I was ready to die? I was surprised that he missed me, it took so long to get down that I thought for sure he would shoot me. I think me and the girls, and maybe their mother further to the right, were the only ones left alive. He found us and now he was carrying a knife. And at some point we were no longer in an office, we were in my house - I didn't see it but it felt like my house. The girls were crying and he was holding my head to his thigh while threatening the girls with the knife. The most poignant feeling throughout this dream was that I was rationalizing my death, preparing for it and it made me detached through all of it, I was aware of what was happening but it felt like it was happening further away. I didn't look at the girls, all I know is that one next to me was blonde and wearing pink, but I don't remember her face because I didn't look. I thought I should do something to calm her or better yet, get us all out of there, but I was paralyzed and it seemed hopeless. I was sure I was going to die and I was trying to imagine what it would feel like so it wouldn't take me by surprise. The most I remember were my thoughts as I was waiting for my death, the rest is blurry, but I was thinking death is just a passage, and to not be scared. I repeated that in my head a lot. And the man dropped me to the floor and left, he didn't harm me or any of the girls, or their mother.
That was what I woke up to, sweaty and tachycardic, thinking there is someone next to my bed or in my house, ready to defend myself and found my arms numb, at 3 AM. It took me a few to realize it was just a dream and I am safe and none of that has ever happened. It FELT real, I thought I was going to die. And if I wasn't too scared while dreaming, I was scared sh*tless waking up. This is common to all my nightmares, I wake up with numb arms and hands, as if I couldn't protect myself even if I would have wanted to. The nightmares were never this violent though, except for last night and the one previous which is about the same (minus the gun), and happened about a month ago. I don't know what to link this to and why it's happening to me. The first nightmares were sexual in nature and it was easy to link them to the abuse, but this? I went through some sh*tty experiences and abuses, but never like this. I am preparing for an exam I have to take in a month and I am pretty worried about it, not sure if this is what it's about. My other choice would be a past life memory. I don't watch scary or horror movies btw, haven't done it in years. I did see a man die yesterday at the hospital.. maybe it was a reaction to that, but I've watched people die before.
Well, whether or not someone will give some insight about it, I am glad to have gotten it out of me regardless.

posted September 22, 2014 04:36 AM            

GeminiKarat could be right on. The symbols can totally be read that way.

The simple act of writing your nightmares down can go a long way towards dissipating them. I strongly recommend it.

I wasn't exactly sure where or how to start with this nightmare, but GeminiKarat seems to have gotten the ball rolling in the right direction. It is almost certainly related to your childhood abuses and has classic indicators for PTSD. The dream details your mind's ability to compartmentalize, to separate and isolate traumatic experience, to mentally and emotionally dissociate.

So, questions …

You are obviously aware of your childhood abuses, but to what degree? Do you pretty much have total recall, or only a vague recollection?

Are repressed memories/experience still bubbling up into your awareness? I mean, are you still discovering/remembering things about your childhood that you did not remember before?

What kind of counseling or therapy have you received?

I do not think this is a past life memory. It is more likely a symbolic representation of experience and of psychological processes born of PTSD, perhaps triggered by current anxieties, such as your exam. Perhaps.

There may be more to be said, but I'd like to get some feedback from you first.

posted September 22, 2014 07:35 AM            

So, it's never over, is it? It just goes on and on, and I can never leave it behind..

@GK,

Men threatening me with phalluses, yeah, I've had that happening to me more than once. It was just one man in this dream - and actually, in all the nightmares. Just one. The abuses go deep into my family's history and yes, I am breaking the cycle. I took it upon me to confront it and not let it go on further to my children, when I will have them. The weird part is I am only aware of abuses on my father's side (those are some sadistic horror stories if I ever heard some) and the abuse that I have confronted and -almost - healed was from my father. Recently my anger towards my mother came up, just when I was ready to put everything away in a box and move past it. My mother must have known or suspected, but she never did anything - even more, she stayed with him and condemned me to 18 years of abuse (I left to college to the opposite side of the country, as soon as I could). So yes, this is something that has been brought to the surface in the last few weeks, but I've been unable to deal with it. I do not know or understand my mom's point of view, she is very secretive about her past, she told me some details but I don't know how she became who she is. It's ironic that I was able to forgive my father (the active abuser) but not her. To me, her not getting involved and defending me was a more subtle but more painful abuse, a betrayal. Kind of like me, in this dream - I stood there, heard the girl crying but did nothing for her, or myself. Like I said, I don't get her. I think the fact that there were only women in the room must mean something, as well as the fact that the girls were with their mother. During the last few years, I called a bunch of psychics to ask about this, and one did say there was abuse on my mother's side too, but she never told me about it, she only talked about them being very poor and her father's drinking and abuse of her mother, but she never ever hinted that she was abused herself. I wouldn't be surprised if she was, this was rural Eastern Europe, back in the communist era. Domestic abuse was ubiquitous.

I'll try to remember that about the blacksmith next time!

Hello, Ra!
Well, you sure ask some difficult questions.. I'll tell you that. I was truly hoping that it wasn't PTSD, because I can't - and don't want to - go back down that path.

quote:

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You are obviously aware of your childhood abuses, but to what degree? Do you pretty much have total recall, or only a vague recollection?

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quote:

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Are repressed memories/experience still bubbling up into your awareness? I mean, are you still discovering/remembering things about your childhood that you did not remember before?

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quote:

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What kind of counseling or therapy have you received?

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You mentioned dissociation. I still do that, a lot like in the dream, not as much as I used to, because I am making a conscious effort to stay there, to be present, to allow myself to feel and to connect with other people. There are instances when it's hard, almost impossible to keep from dissociating, and those pertain to sexual intimacy. I've made attempts (and I am not giving up!) to reclaim it, but it's a work in progress. This new man (read below) did provoke all sorts of feelings, a tad outside my comfort zone. I wouldn't say I feel threatened, but I do feel challenged.

The thing that puzzles me and upsets me the most about this dream is my passiveness. It's very unlike me, from what I do remember, I fought my father off, and I used my wits to get out of the other abuses too. Why would I hand out my carotid just like that??! However, the fact that I was in the end unharmed (physically anyways) is consistent with real life, because though I've been in tight situations I was never irreparably harmed physically.

There's also someone new in my life, it's fairly recent and I suppose I am anxious about being in a relationship again, wondering if people like me can ever maintain a happy relationship for a decent amount of time. But I was thinking of rejecting him, so not sure how this fits into the dream. He is not abusive nor do I think he has potential to ever be abusive towards me, it's simply too complicated of a situation (recently divorced, two kids - youngest suffers from separation anxiety btw, still fighting custody battles that he can't win - maybe it hit a little too close to home, idk..). Not to mention he is older - and while I am not prejudiced about age difference, per se, I have to wonder wth does this mean, about me. I've never dated older men before and now, that I thought I was finally at peace with my father (and my daddy issues), I attract this guy, who is not only older in years but also in other ways, emotionally most of. I don't think I have ever dated a truly emotionally mature man before, phew.. that's a bit out of my league! But, like I said, I am thinking of rejecting him, I need to focus on my exam and nothing else. Men and their phalluses will just have to wait. lol

Thank you again for taking a look and offer insights, it means more than I can say in simple words. I apologize for the lengthy reply, I usually keep my posts short lol, but it helps to put it in perspective, it always has, even if nobody reads what I write, it helps me very much.

posted September 22, 2014 03:43 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
I didn't look at the girls, all I know is that one next to me was blonde and wearing pink, but I don't remember her face because I didn't look.

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Blonde=white=innocent
Pink=red=love
=>Innocent love
You posted with a blue heart
Blue=hope
You have already innocent love and hope.

posted September 22, 2014 03:58 PM            

Best wishes to you too!

posted September 25, 2014 04:40 AM            

You have been through so much and you have come so far. Your forthrightness and openness about your experience are invaluable in your process of overcoming and healing. I find you to be quite inspirational.

I am so very happy to hear you are in therapy for this. You have already been helped so much by it and there is certainly more work to be done, but you are doing it. I am no therapist, so we'll leave that part of it to the professionals.

Your dream does point out some stuff, though. Aside from the abuse from which the dream stems, there is the matter of the passiveness that upsets you. This may be linked to feelings of guilt, apathy, and anger directed at yourself, issues to be worked out in therapy. The violent intruder could also symbolize the appearance of new, disturbing material from your subconscious, newly released repressed memories.

But for all of the nightmarish material/energy of this dream, there is the possibility of a positive note. To me, it could also say something about your experience and healing process … you have "stuck out your neck", taken a chance, exposed your vulnerabilities (carotid), and you have survived. Besides the anger and guilt associated with the passivity, perhaps the dream also reflects your willingness and ability to fight against this no more, to allow the past to expose itself so that you can truly heal.

Again, you are an inspiration.

Thank you for sharing your dream.

posted September 25, 2014 04:48 AM            

I think she was a woman paralyzed by fear. She lost opportunities because of that, she refused to divorce out of fear. She didn't protect me because of her fear. You know the show "Masters of sex"? Well, there is a scene, from when Bill was a little boy and he was abused physically by his father, who was also an alcoholic. The audience only hears his screams and sees the mother, washing dishes or something like that, turning up the radio to fade away her child's screaming for help. That scene is a lot like what was happening in our house, for years on end, and a lot like my nightmare when the girl was crying and I couldn't bring myself to care about her.

I can't find any sort of sympathy for her, sorry, even if I was given a glimpse of what she was going through, I cannot excuse her in any way.

What I don't understand is "Death is just a passage. Don't be scared, death is just a passage". What does THAT mean in this context?

posted September 25, 2014 04:52 AM            

Thank you for what you said and for your perspective! I will discuss the nightmares with my therapist as soon as I can (we're on a break because of my exam). This has been very helpful for me and thank you for allowing me to express it here!

posted September 25, 2014 05:04 AM            

The reason why I believe this might have been why I was shown this dream is because I had to go through a similar process when I started to heal the abuse from my father. I HAD to understand it from his point of view, I needed to know what it felt like for him, abusing me. So I went down a path that some may judge harshly, but for me it was necessary, I became a dominatrix for a short period of time. I cannot accept or forgive what I don't understand and I needed to feel what he felt. So I did, but in a context where I didn't truly hurt other people and that was totally under my conscious control. It was exhilarating, intoxicating. I could understand then, why one would want that, would want to feel that way. In a similar fashion I experimented with drinking, except without putting myself in danger, or other people. What was so seductively addictive about alcohol that he couldn't stop? I found out that, too. Those experiences were helpful, disturbing as it may sound, but considering my ancestry, it is not so disturbing at all. It was not who I wanted to become, so I didn't let myself succumb to them, but I couldn't have forgiven him without those experiences, without knowing what possessed him to want to do those things. Now that is a closed chapter and I've made peace with it.

This is why I think I had this dream. I had to feel what she felt. Solving the issues with my mom is going to be a lot more difficult, I believe, because I must confess that I do look down on passive, submissive women. It's the opposite of who I am and I honestly cannot see their point of view, I cannot fathom the idea of surrendering to your predator. It is something that I definitely, vehemently, reject.

posted October 01, 2014 08:44 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ra:
You have good insight, Dancing Maenad. Your perspective on your own dreams is much more valuable than mine, and I think you are doing great psychological work. Yes, there is much to be done concerning issues with your mother.

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Sadly, yes.. But I won't give up until I heal that one too.

Thank you again to you and GK for helping me with this! I told my therapist btw, about the dream and you two helping me solve the message, and she was very impressed also.

posted October 01, 2014 03:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ra:
Randall, I'm with you. GK, I would love to have you if ever you feel up to it. Either way, I appreciate your thoughts and opinions here.

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I work on several projects. Perhaps one will be approved on Friday. I asked for a miracle as my birthday present.

“I am realistic – I expect miracles.” ― Wayne W. Dyer

posted October 01, 2014 03:22 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
Sadly, yes.. But I won't give up until I heal that one too.

Thank you again to you and GK for helping me with this! I told my therapist btw, about the dream and you two helping me solve the message, and she was very impressed also.

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I can only give you an opinion and you make the decision. I like your decision to work with your therapist. They do know many techniques to overcome obstacles in real life. I like your decision that writing is your release-point.

Best wishes on your exam in two (?) weeks.