posted November 27, 2015 01:51 PM            

I might follow her advice if I take a notion or whim to do so.
Her advice brought some songs to mind

Dokken Heartless Heart http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYt8ReLCbL4

Connie Francis Cold Cold heart http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kd7sKJvUCwg

Fontaine Sisters Hearts made of stone http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x_Dem0JbWM

Cher You wouldn't know love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_1RdlA4yFA

Hard Hearted Hannah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isY3_hp3vCI

posted November 28, 2015 11:49 AM            

I think what you said makes sense.I do have a habbit of bottling things up and storing them away.My ability to do the wrong thing even when I know its wrong does make my life interesting.I think I don't really have a problem with caring it's just I am not prepared to let the better parts of myself be used against me.I also hate when other people try to use guilt trips on me or try to shame me.In the past I may have had negative feelings which were boiling away under the surface and I didn't let them out.I tried my hardest to do the right thing and keep them under control.I wasn't an angel and there may have been one or two little outbursts.I think that I just ended up feeling like I was going to be wrong whether I did the right thing or the wrong thing.I hated the feelings that I felt that I was constantly trapped in the middle of everybody else's drama.I do have a nasty temper and can be irritable if I was provoked but I used to hate people constantly tearing each other to pieces.I know that I can be just as bad the people who started the fights and know I am not a complete pacifist.I suppose growing up I didn't really feel very connected to many people.There where some family members which I was close to but I didn't really have a lot of friends.I think me and my mother kept ourselves to ourselves.We weren't completely closed off from other people but sometimes I feel like she sort of ruined mey life.I know I can't blame her for everything and don't but sometimes I think life would have been easier if I had different parents.She always did her best and I think she is a caring person regardlesss of her quirkiness but I wonder if I would have been better off having a more worldly mother.I was really socially awkward as a child and she didn't help that and I don't think she did it on purpose but sometimes I resented that.There are people I really did care about and I wouldn't have thought about doing anything to hurt them but at the present moment in time it would seem like like I'm capable of harming friends and foes alike.Sometimes it
seems like I'm capable of anything.I am just trying to move on but at the moment I just feeling really numb.In the past I was more emotoionally volatile and mentally unstable and at times I still have my momments but at the moment I find that I don't really feel much.I find that with a lot of things even without repressing my feelings I just don't feel a lot.I think sometimes I just feel like whatever happens whether it is good or bad it is happening so lets just get on with it.Let's just play our roles in the scene in the movie of life we are in until the show is over.For example my Grandmother has recently got cancer which doesn't make her dementia any more pleasent.Over the past couple of years it just seems like she is fading away.She isn't the woman I remember.
Me and her and my mother and grandfather used to be really close we did everything together.So I should be feeling really sad.I do feel sad but mostly I just feel like I don't need this right now.I feel bad that she is suffering and I haved prayed she just falls asleep and passes away peacefully.I care about her but I just feel like I don't have the energy to care anymore.My mother and grandfather are the ones who were looking after her.At the moment she is in hospital I think she is her on way out and isn't going to be with us much longer.I know that my mother and other family members have been dealing with her and should be more distraught and tired than me but I just wish all of this was over.I love my gran but I just feel like my own life is peoccupying me more.I know it sounds cold but I think I have tried to think of whats happening as just another part of the cycle of life the completion of life.
To make matters worse there have been a lot of arguements and fallouts in the family and I am sick of it.I feel like I'm trapped in a family which I have felt disconnected from for quite a while and the people that I still care about feel like I might eventually
disconnect from them as well.I am trying to make sure we don't part but at the same time I feel like I could cut loved ones off if it was easier for me to cope with.
What's happening with my family and my grandmother isn't my biggest problem and I know that there are other parts of my life that need to be sorted out.I know it's selfish but at the moment all I can think about is me.I do care about other people and I do care about the world but I will not be pulled under by guilt or what I am feeling and I do want to try get through whatever happens.