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Author Topic:   Couldn't stop laughing over this...
ozonefiller
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posted September 05, 2004 04:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ozonefiller     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
even though this is more centered on NY, from were I live, this is pretty darn close to what spending winter here is all about!

By Dave Schultz

Excerpts Taken From the Diary of a Texan Who Moved to Western New York

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I'm so glad we moved here. I love the snow!


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.


December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much.


December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. ******* snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to **** . By the time I got undressed, ****** and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.


December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.


December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his *****. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the ******* snowplow.


December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the friggin slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. **** I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.


December 26: Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.


December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE ***** is driving me crazy!!!


December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cavein. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does that ******* think I am?


December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.


December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
http://www.daveschultz.com/yankees/texan.htm

Poor guy!


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Randall
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From: Saturn next to Charmainec
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posted November 19, 2011 11:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
New York is getting snow right now.

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"The stars which shone over Babylon and the stable in Bethlehem still shine as brightly over the Empire State Building and your front yard today. They perform their cycles with the same mathematical precision, and they will continue to affect each thing on earth, including man, as long as the earth exists." Linda Goodman

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Randall
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posted December 04, 2011 12:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Where you at, O?

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Randall
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posted December 05, 2011 11:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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Randall
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Posts: 16278
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posted February 27, 2012 03:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
He signed back up, but just hasn't posted.

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Randall
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Posts: 16278
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
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posted March 11, 2012 01:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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