posted November 10, 2004 12:35 PM
Tuesday Night November 9Leno
I was watching that new reality show today, "Fallujah Extreme Makeover.”
As I’m sure you’ve heard, "Operation Phantom Fury” is now underway in Iraq. You know, where are we coming up with the names for these missions? "Phantom Fury”? What is President Bush dipping into his comic book collection now? What’s next "Operation Green Hornet”?
As you know, U.S. military forces continue to attack the city of Fallujah, a French military strategist said today that the attack won't resolve anything. Of course, people are shocked. A French "military strategist"? What the hell is that? Is this the first one?
If you saw the footage of Fallujah. Bullets flying through the air. Smoke in the streets. People yelling in foreign languages. It’s like L.A. only with much cheaper gas.
The Pentagon said we are making good progress. And that very soon Fallujah will be a red state.
This just in. Attorney General John Ashcroft has resigned. He didn’t want to resign, but the Bush White House thought he was just too liberal.
I guess he figured once New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey was gone, his job was done.
Do you know about this? The Governor of New Jersey gave his farewell address yesterday. McGreevey said yesterday he was not going to apologize for being a gay American. He would not apologize for being a gay American. Fair enough. How about just apologizing for being a corrupt American?
Do you know the whole story on this guy? This unbelievable! They try to make it something it’s not. But he had a gay affair with a guy from Israel who he hired to be Head of Homeland Security for New Jersey even though he doesn’t see that guy wasn’t a citizen and could not get clearance. But apparently they are no longer dating. Although the governor did say to him, "No matter happens, we’ll always have Newark.”
Did you hear about this? Ralph Nader has requested a hand recount of all the ballots in New Hampshire. So let me get this straight, John Kerry doesn’t demand a recount but Ralph Nader does. Of course the nice thing about a hand recount of all Nader’s ballots, you can count them all on one hand.
I’m sure you know, there’s talk of Hillary Clinton gearing up for 2008. Or as Bill calls her…”The Polar Express”.
Calls are pouring in from leaders around the world to Mrs. Arafat. French President Jacques Chiraq said he hopes for the best. British Prime Minister Tony Blair sent his regards. And VP Dick Cheney called to ask if Arafat had filled out a heart donor card?
This just in, juror number 7 in the Scott Peterson case has been dismissed. They have to start the deliberations all over again. You know how they got rid of her? Scott took her fishing
Here’s something interesting - some international airlines have received permission from the U.S. government to use stun guns on their passengers. Well that should stop people from bitching about the food.
Wal-Mart is opening their giant mega store in Mexico. See Wal-Mart is smart, this way they can hire illegal aliens before they even get over here. Eliminate the middle man.
The NFL season is now half over. Unless you’re a Miami Dolphins fan. Then it’s completely over.
Today Miami Dolphins Head Coach Dave Wanstadt quit. Actually, he tried to throw in the towel last week but it was intercepted.
Letterman
I tell you I’ve been thinking of something all day. Let me see what you think. Do you think it’s too soon to hit on Mrs. Arafat?
According to Palestinian sources Yasser Arafat is dead but improving.
New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has stepped down. He wants to spend more time embarrassing his family.
McGreevey’s three biggest accomplishments were on the environment, improving education, and replacing those hideous drapes in the governor’s mansion.
Earlier tonight on CBS it was the 38th Annual Country Music Awards. It was another heartbreaking loss for John Kerry.
The Bush’s have a new dog in the White House. The dog is named Miss Beasley. I was thinking the last president also had a dog that licked him under the desk.
Conan
Earlier tonight CBS aired the 38th Annual Country Music Awards. Apparently 51% of the country watched the awards and the other 49% voted for John Kerry. The blue states all watched Charlie Rose.
Star Jones is making preparations for her wedding this Saturday. She’s ordered a cake, the flowers and another cake.
Monday Night November 8
Leno
Are you all finally over the election? I tell you, last week was a tough week, especially if you are a gay pro-choice stem cell.
Today President Bush thanked those that worked the hardest for his re-election: Ralph Nader and Osama bin Laden.
You know what’s interesting, at his press conference the other day, President Bush said that he felt that "the people have spoken." And ironically, the people speak better than he does.
Let me tell you, you gotta feel bad for John Kerry. Just think, he came this close to finally getting his own house.
Here’s something I didn’t quite understand, I don’t understand how these government things work. The Bush administration said today there is still a shortage of flu vaccine ... but only in the blue states.
In the last two days Hillary Clinton has gotten over 5,000 phone calls urging her to go on the road for the next four years and run for president. In fact, most of the calls were from Bill in the other room. "Yeah, I’m calling for you to ..."
Here’s a brief update on Yasser Arafat. Doctors say he has died but is expected to make a full recovery.
I love how the press in France are trying to spin this story. One French newspaper said Arafat is not in a coma, he is just sleeping. Yeah, right, and Ted Williams is just enjoying the air conditioning. Shut up!
That’s what they say, Arafat may be brain dead. That has to be demoralizing to his people, huh? Your leader is brain dead. Thank God that could never happen here.
Up in Redwood City, they can’t seem to come to a verdict in the Scott Peterson trial. It’s good to see the O.J. jury working again.
Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: "Nine Dead in Interstate Pileup."
Last night CBS had its "Dallas Reunion Show." If you’ve never seen the program, it’s about a rich Texas oil family. Didn’t we just have that? It was called the election.
Happy Birthday to Morley Safer from "60 Minutes." Not exactly sure how old he is, the carbon dating hasn’t come back yet.
Letterman
The marathon was yesterday. It was amazing. After the runners finished out, the Republicans had won.
It was cold yesterday for the marathon. It was so cold the hookers were giving out fleece condoms.
This was the most successful marathon ever. Only 12 runners are missing.
The election is over. That was something crazy, wasn’t it? Friends of John Kerry are worried because today he went on one last duck hunt in Ohio.
President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay.
The Bushes now have a new puppy in the White House. It’s expected to pass the Senate with rapid confirmation.
The name of the puppy is Miss Beasley. Miss Beasley will replace Barney. Barney will now be going out into the private sector.
They thought Miss Beasley had ruined a rug in the Oval Office. But it just turned out to be a stain left from the Clinton administration.
Conan
(rerun) Last night the Detroit Pistons beat the L.A. Lakers to win the NBA Finals. When the Pistons were asked where they are going to now that they have won the championship, they replied, "Anywhere but Detroit."
Friday Night November 5
Leno
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." What an exciting crowd! You all sound like President Bush after realizing he never has to debate anyone ever again.
President Bush announced today that he was going to give another round of tax cuts. Not to the whole country. Just to Ohio.
This is kind of sad. John Kerry went windsurfing today and nobody cared.
I thought this was nice. Today at NBC, Martin Sheen let John Kerry come over and sit behind the desk of the Oval Office on the set of "The West Wing."
President Bush back talking with the press again, and he was asked today if his agenda was bipartisan. And he said, "I thought I made it clear I was against gay marriage."
The head of Homeland Security may be ready to step down. He's not sure, he's somewhere between green and yellow.
It looks like Attorney General John Ashcroft will likely resign. He says he wants to devote time to covering up naked statues in the private sector.
There are all kinds of rumors going around that Yasser Arafat is either dead or seriously ill. That's when you know you've got a bad HMO, when they can't tell if you're dead or just seriously ill!
In fact it was so serious today, Arafat's people asked, "Any chance we could get a Jewish doctor?"
There is concern by Mideast political experts that if Yasser Arafat dies it could cause civil unrest in the Middle East. And you would hate to see that.
Down in Arkansas, workmen are putting the finishing touches on the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Presidential Library? It's really just a Hooters with a magazine rack.
A new government study says that U.S. airlines are spending $350 million a year more in extra fuel because passengers are so fat the planes need all this extra fuel. Isn't that incredible? We're so fat now our planes are having a hard time getting airborne. What's next, when the plane has to make a turn, the pilot is going to have to ask everyone to lean over on one butt cheek.
$350 million ... we're going to have to pull the wings off the planes and drive them around as buses.
Thursday Night November 4
Leno
You sound like Al Gore when he realized he finally has someone to go to lunch with!
Did you see how happy President Bush was yesterday when he found out he won? Man, he couldn’t decide whether he should give a victory speech or announce the invasion of Iran.
In fact, the GOP did so well, the only Republican without a mandate ... Dick Cheney's daughter.
John Kerry said yesterday, "In an American election, there is no loser." Uh, Earth to John!
Actually, President Bush received a very gracious concession call from John Kerry. And a very gracious collect call from Ralph Nader.
Did you see Ralph Nader’s concession speech? He actually gave it at a concession stand.
I’ll tell you, a lot of Democrats were really upset yesterday. I haven’t seen Michael Moore this angry since he tried to buy a single seat on Southwest Airlines!
Do you know the ironic thing about this election? Do you realize that the Electoral College is the only college that President Bush ever did well in?
It’s gotta be tough for John Kerry. You know what must be tough about losing a presidential election? That last day of Secret Service protection. I mean, do you even get them for the whole day? You know, like mid-afternoon you come walking out of the 7-Eleven: "Fellas? Bob? Larry?"
The Republican Party is now in charge of the presidency, the Senate, the House and the Supreme Court. You know how they got there? They got there by saying the liberals control everything.
There’s a rumor that Attorney General John Ashcroft will resign before the inauguration. The White House feels that since bush is going to swear to defend the Constitution, they want to make sure it’s still around.
Ashcroft says he wants to take more time off to spend more time with the voices in his head.
Today, of course, was Thursday, November 4. This was the day all the people in favor of legalizing marijuana show up at the polls: "Hey, what happened?"
Kentucky voters voted to ban gay marriage. Unless the two are siblings.
As you ,Osama bin Laden has released another video. He bragged that he will "bankrupt the United States." And today President Bush said, "Two can play that game, pal."
Here’s an odd fact – today was the birthday of the cash register. So that’s two days in a row the Republicans are celebrating.
Here’s something interesting – authorities in Florida have intercepted a shipment of liquid heroin. Liquid heroin from Colombia was being smuggled inside fruit juice boxes. Who is this for? The addict on the go? "You know, with today’s hectic lifestyle, who has time to find a vein? Who has time to sit there with a spoon and lighter? Oh my God! I’ve got work to do."
The Clippers won their first game of the season last night. It’s nice to see another 86-year curse being broken.
This is the most bizarre story - a man in a zoo in Taiwan jumped into the lion’s cage and was attacked by the lions when he tried to convert the lions to Christianity. It just proves that you can’t turn lions into Christians ... just like you can’t turn dolphins into football players. It can’t happen.
Wednesday Night November 3
Leno
Wow. What a crowd! You sound like Hillary Clinton when she heard John Kerry had lost.
Before we go any further, I want to say to our viewers in Florida: Now, was that so hard?
This hasn’t been a good 24 hours for you if you’re a gay John Kerry supporter who planned to get married this weekend.
It looks like the people have given Bush and Cheney four more years. The bad news: Cheney’s doctors only gave him three more years.
Did you see Cheney on the news? He was so happy he was yelling out his hotel window, "I’ve got a lesbian daughter!"
So, I guess we have four more years to find Osama bin Laden. No hurry now. Take your time.
So much for the debates, huh? Bush is going, "I prepared too much."
John Kerry would’ve conceded earlier today, but he had to meet with the French, Germans and Russians first. Get their feelings on the whole situation.
It was a very good concession speech. John Kerry said he’d like to wrap us up in his arms and give us each a big hug. Great. NOW he starts campaigning like Bill Clinton ... maybe if he’d done that in the beginning ...
Kerry didn’t take it too good this morning. I understand he was so upset last night he tossed and turned all night in his tanning bed.
You got to feel a little sorry for Kerry. Not only did he lose the presidency, but he was really looking forward to having Teresa Heinz move into one of his houses for a change.
Teresa was so upset about the results that I heard she raised the price of ketchup to $50 a barrel.
Let me tell you something. President Bush was sweating this one too, because he knew if Kerry had been elected president, he'd probably order Bush to go to Iraq to make up the rest of his National Guard service.
Thirteen percent of all the voters in Florida were first-time voters. Actually, many of them did vote four years ago, it’s just this is the first time the votes were counted.
Voter turnout very low in Beverly Hills yesterday. You know why? No valet parking.
You know who these campaigns are really the toughest on? The campaign staffs. For the Kerry staff, the biggest problem is fighting uncertainty. For the Bush staff, it’s fighting doubt. And for the Ralph Nader staff, it’s fighting loneliness.
God bless him, Ralph Nader has still not conceded. There are still some absentee ballots coming in from Jupiter and Mars. It takes three light years to get here.
In Washington, D.C., Former Mayor Marion Barry was elected the new city councilman. "The crack is back," ladies and gentlemen.
In an interview in Time, Osama bin Laden’s brother Yeslam bin Laden said that he has a hard time buying an airline ticket. Gee, I can’t imagine why, huh? Gee, maybe he should change his name to Akmed bin Laden. Maybe that would make it a little easier.
Bill Clinton’s presidential library will be opening next month. A spokesman said Mr. Clinton wants the building to be an interactive center for young Americans. Kind of like his Oval Office was.
Bill O’Reilly has settled his sexual harassment lawsuit. Though neither party can discuss the terms of the settlement, the woman is believed to have received a large cash settlement in return for O’Reilly getting unlimited calling. So both sides are happy.
Letterman
Dick Cheney was happy today. He was so happy he was using his happy sneer.
In fact, he was so happy he made an appearance and announced he had a gay daughter!
John Kerry is in real trouble, though. He really needs to win the debate tonight.
Do you remember when Kerry went duck hunting in Ohio a few weeks ago? I think that was a mistake. George Bush easily carried the duck vote.
Now that John Kerry won’t be president, he can go back to being a senator, windsurfing and being a billionaire.
The bad thing is that John Kerry was looking forward to being president for one reason – spending less time with his wife.
Here’s an important message for Ohio. Please remember to have the crooked voting machines returned back to Florida by Friday.
Conan
The election is over. President Bush won re-election. Bill O’Reilly was happy. In fact his exact words were, "I haven’t been this happy since ... well, you know."
John Kerry gave a concession speech earlier and said that he wanted to hug all of his supporters. Upon hearing this, Ralph Nader said he was able to hug all of his.
The election came down to one state, Ohio. This year's Florida was Ohio. As a result, this year's spring break will suck.
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
posted November 10, 2004 12:35 PM
you'll have to go to NewsMax to have them all laid out by date and host. 
posted November 10, 2004 10:24 PM
I dont care that it's from 'newsmax', if it's funny - I'm there. 
